The Grouchy Editor

The Oscars are an annual joke — but an entertaining joke.  Every year, through sheer luck, the academy manages to nominate some worthy contenders.  But mostly it’s a popularity contest worth watching only to giggle at celebrities who are dressed up, nervous, and wearing pasted-on smiles.

Can you tell that I am bitter that Melancholia was shut out of the nominations?

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CNN’s Erin Burnett has a tendency to speak first, think later.  This can be irritating to watch, but at times it’s refreshing, as when Burnett told lawyer Marc Bern that his attempt to rake in $450 million in punitive damages for six passengers on the ill-fated Carnival cruise ship is “obscene,” and the kind of lawsuit that calls for tort reform.

Burnett was right.  I’m sorry that you fell off a ship and had to be rescued, but that should not entitle you to live like Bill Gates for the rest of your life.

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It was a downer to witness the media devour one of its own — CNN’s John King — after Newt Gingrich used King to deflect attention from his own political problems during last week’s Republican debate.  King asked a relevant question (about Gingrich’s former marriage) on a topic that was in the headlines.  Blowhard Newt then feigned “outrage” at King’s temerity.  Worse, the media, including King’s colleagues at CNN, then smelled blood and ratings and failed to defend him.

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I’m guessing that this ad will not be used as a recruiting tool by America’s creative writing classes:

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Such a pretty girl.  I wonder who she is.

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Golden Globes Musings

Host Ricky Gervais was too tame.  He lied when he said he would continue last year’s hilarious smackdown of Hollywood’s snobbish elite.

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Johnny Depp’s fake voice is grating.  I don’t recall him having that affected accent back in his Private Resort days.

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Jodie Foster was a good sport during Gervais’s Beaver jokes.  Too many actors take themselves way too seriously.  For proof of that, just listen to almost any actor’s commentary on DVD extras.

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Asshole of the Week:  Michael Roizen

Dr. Michael Roizen of the Cleveland Clinic, speaking on CNN:  “The thing that we can do most to improve job competitiveness, to lower the budget deficit, is to ban smoking among state workers or ban smoking — not hire — federal workers who smoke.  That single thing would do the most to make America more competitive for jobs.”

What an obnoxious prick.  Ban smoking and you’ll lose millions of tax dollars, Roizen.  And since when is some doctor in Cleveland the go-to-guy for economic policy?  If you are so concerned about “competitiveness,” then you’d better also promote job discrimination against people who drink, and people who are fat.  Of course if you do that, in no time at all you won’t have anyone left to hire.

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Jon Huntsman “suspends” his candidacy.  Herman Cain “suspends” his candidacy.  Rick Perry “suspends” his candidacy.  The suspends is killing me.  This is why people hate politicians.  They refuse to use plain English, even when they simply quit.

But it was a great week in politics, watching all of those Republicans implode.  It was especially gratifying to watch Mitt Romney squirm as he tried  to tell ordinary Americans why they should vote for Richie Rich.

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We keep hearing about “saving the women and children” on that capsized cruise ship in Italy.  Are we back in 1912, talking about the Titanic?  Save the children, sure, but why the women?  Does equality of the sexes only apply when it works in the woman’s favor?

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Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton announced that, as part of his efforts to encourage diversity in the workplace, surgeons have successfully completed the first head-of-state transplant. Dayton’s head will share executive decision-making with this Asian man’s head.

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The Huffington Post on Friday forgot to add captions to these pictures, so we took the liberty.

                  Before                                             After

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Lake Superior State University came up with a list of words and terms that it believes should be banished from the English language.  Nice list, but I would add two more:

“Indie Darling” — I was reading Entertainment Weekly and, on page 12, I noticed an item about “Indie-rock darling Carrie Brownstein.”  In the same issue on page 80, there was a piece about “indie-cinema darling” Parker Posey.  So I did what anyone with too much time on his hands would do, I Googled “indie darling” and another annoying term that pops up everywhere, “(fill-in-the-blank) porn.”

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“Imagine if you flicked on your television and found that the government had cancelled American Idol, 30 Rock, The Office, and Dancing with the Stars.” — CNN’s Fareed Zakaria, commenting on government censorship in China.  Next time, Fareed, could you please pick shows that don’t deserve to be censored?

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Until this week, I’d never heard of CNN correspondent Alison Kosik.  But on Wednesday I listened as this (presumably) highly paid TV reporter told unemployed Americans that temp jobs are “not that bad.”  Then I read that in October Kosik had mocked the Occupy Wall Street folk.  And I see that she advocates the use of job-killing self-checkout lanes in grocery stores.  So now I know more about Alison Kosik.  She is a jerk.

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Runaway:  I love this film.  It’s nine minutes of goofy greatness.  Watch it by clicking here, and thank me later.

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Stephen Colbert is “running for president.”  Ha ha.  This guy has never struck me as funny.  He is a one-joke act, and I tire of that act after about 15 seconds.  Colbert gets a lot of media attention because of his proximity to Jon Stewart and because he jokes about politics.  But that don’t make him funny, do it?

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I’ve been wondering whatever became of the male stars of Dawson’s Creek.  Turns out that Joshua Jackson, who played Pacey Witter, has been getting up to all sorts of mischief in Latin America.  Just in case you weren’t a Dawson fan, here are a few pictures of Joshua, Hollywood-style (top row), and Joshua, Peruvian-style (bottom row).

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For some unfathomable reason, there are people interested in the fact that Beyoncé and her husband, Jay-Z, are new parents.  Their baby girl is named Blue, but I’ve been unable to discover her surname.  In fact, I’ve been unable to discover her parents’ surnames.  So I guess I will just call them the blacks and Blue.

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Please forgive today’s abbreviated edition of the “Weekly Review.”  Grouchy has been a bit preoccupied of late.  During a recent excursion in cyberspace, he happened upon what might be — hold on — the girl of his dreams.

She’s a lovely lass:  a dog-loving beauty queen, whiling away her days in the Florida sunshine and, no doubt, captivating every man that she meets.

The Grouch does not yet know the name of this vision of loveliness (her initials, she teases, are C.A.), but he did manage to grab a screen capture or two of her, and he feels certain that once you gaze upon her sweet visage you will agree with him:  She is every man’s fantasy girl.

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Priests Gone Wild!

Another sign of the coming apocalypse:  brawling Greek Orthodox and Armenian priests.  To watch the melee, go here.

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Bullshit Political “Truisms”

1.  There are too many negative campaign ads.  Hogwash.  We love them, we need them, and they have always been part of American politics.

2.  At least he’s consistent and doesn’t flip-flop.  Why on Earth is this considered a virtue?  Hitler was consistent and didn’t flip-flop.  Should we admire him for that?

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My new favorite celebrity grouch is Daniel Craig, who is forever grumbling about something, or someone, to the press.  Recently, the James Bond star has snarled about the Kardashians (“What, you mean all I have to do is behave like a fucking idiot on television, and then you’ll pay me millions?”), media interviews (“I can’t do the tits-and-teeth stuff”), and now this:

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I thought I should say something about the Bill Maher-Tim Tebow feud, but then I realized that I just … don’t … seem … to care.  But here’s a picture of the Denver quarterback, just because you want to see one.

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CNN is relentlessly plugging its New Year’s Eve special with Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin.  “The most unpredictable show on television!” crows the network.  Balderdash.  Granted, their banter is amusing, but there is no program on television more predictable than Cooper-Griffin on New Year’s Eve.

Griffin will make sex jokes.  Cooper will turn red and giggle.  Griffin will “hit on” Cooper.  Cooper will act embarrassed.  Repeat.  Same act as last year, and the year before that, and ….

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Quote of the Week (James Joyce):

“I think I would know [Joyce’s wife] Nora’s fart anywhere.  I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women.  It is a rather girlish noise not like the wet windy fart which I imagine fat wives have.  It is sudden and dry and dirty like what a bold girl would let off in fun in a school dormitory at night.  I hope Nora will let off no end of her farts in my face so that I may know their smell also.”

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This is a fake People magazine cover. It is not real.  But I am wicked and enjoy doing my small part to spread false Internet rumors about celebrities, so here you go.

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And finally, basketball fans welcoming point guard Ricky Rubio to Minnesota:

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It’s the end of December, and that means it is time for every news show, magazine, and Web site to compile inane “end-of-year” lists.  But most smart people realize that next year, 2012, heralds the end of the world, and so it makes a lot more sense to compile an “end-of-the-world” list.  Thus, here you go:

Best Species of All Time:  The Cockroach

Everyone knows that in the event of a nuclear holocaust, the much-maligned cockroach is one of the few species expected to survive, possibly even thrive.  I don’t see why, come Armageddon, things should be any different for the heroic and plucky cockroach.

Best Con Artist of All Time:  Cleopatra

The Queen of the Nile, according to ancient coins that bear her visage, was one homely lady.  And yet somehow the woman enjoys a “man-eater” reputation, inspiring Hollywood biographies and even a role for our most beautiful star, Liz Taylor.

Greatest Work of Art:  2012

The critics hated it but hey, when you are right about things, you are right about things.

Greatest Blight on the Universe:  Television Commercials

TV signals are beamed into space.  Somewhere, someday, an alien species will be subjected to god-awful Nationwide insurance commercials.  When the aliens study Earth’s doomed culture, they will despise us for this. 

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When the power went out — twice — during this week’s Steelers-49ers contest, someone made the decision to delay the game.  I think that was a missed opportunity.  They should have kept playing in the dark, like many of us did when we were kids.  “Dark football” would have been a big hit.

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I wonder if the geniuses at Columbia Pictures’s marketing department thought of potential negative associations when they came up with the above slogan for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.  What is hidden in snow that comes forth in the thaw?  I’ll bet they didn’t think of this:

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I often channel surf between Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Fallon, but I never watch Jimmy Kimmel’s show.  This is because Kimmel’s show includes a non-stop barrage of commercials.  I took notes the other night:  

11:55 — Jimmy welcomes guest Jeremy Renner.

12:03 — The onslaught begins.  There are ads for Capital One, the Minnesota lottery, Xbox 360, Hilton’s Doubletree, Ford’s Focus, HBO’s True Blood, Celebrity Wife Swap, The Bachelor, Dodge Journey, and Menards.

12:08 — Back to the show.

12:13 — Ads for Bud Light, Blockbuster, Arby’s, Macy’s, Stayfree, Head & Shoulders, Viagra, the NBA, Winter Wipeout, Ford, Xfinity, local news, Citibank, Target, Midnight in Paris, Gamefly,com, Centrum, Target, The Bachelor, Celebrity Wife Swap, Work It, Jeep Grand Cherokee, and The Original Mattress Factory.

12:22 — Back to the show.

12:29 — Ads for Chrysler, Delsym cough syrup, Mucinex, Mitsubishi, GMC Superstore, and local news.

12:32 — Back to the show.

I watched Kimmel for 37 minutes.  There were 39 commercials.  That’s 20 minutes of Jimmy, 17 minutes of ads.  Some day, this is what the aliens will see, and they will despise us for it.

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Posting pictures of female buttocks is a sexist, revolting practice, and we hereby resolve to stop doing it.  Instead, please enjoy this beautiful landscape portrait:

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I read that Michael Fassbender’s (above) acting in the sex-filled Shame is “fearless.”  I’ve seen that adjective used to describe performances by actresses like Michelle Williams and Halle Berry.  “Fearless” is critic-code for “He/She gets naked a lot in this movie.”  Rooney Mara, no doubt, gives a fearless performance in The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

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Irritating Codger of the Week:  Tom Brokaw

Brokaw’s mush-mouthed, incomprehensible delivery made for painful viewing back when he was anchoring the news.  Then he managed to alienate Baby Boomers and most everyone else with his “greatest generation” hogwash.  (Apparently, widespread racism and sexism during the 1930s-’60s were just minor flaws, in Tom’s opinion.)

Now Brokaw is popping up on the talk-show circuit as some sort of “elder statesman.”  Sorry, dude, but you ain’t Walter Cronkite — and you look ridiculous in that robe (above).

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Here you go, Bush, this is your legacy:

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Simon Cowell says that new America’s Got Talent judge Howard Stern is “not stupid,” and that Stern will have to curb his outrageousness for NBC’s family-friendly show.  “If he goes too far, he’ll be kicked off,” Cowell says.  Hmmm … a tame Howard Stern?  Doesn’t that pretty much defeat the purpose of hiring him?

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From E! Online:  “We want to hang out with Charlize Theron, like, right now.  Seriously, could she be any friggin’ cooler?”  E! Online then uses a quote from actress Elizabeth Reaser to explain what makes Theron so friggin’ cool:  “She [Theron] is also very potty-mouthed.  Everyone else I know says ‘fuck’ and ‘shit’ every other word, but she is just so unabashedly herself.”

This reminds me of Entertainment Weekly’s recent love letter to Hollywood has-been Ellen Barkin (below), in which EW readers were informed that the profanity-loving actress is “our new Twitter obsession.”  And why is that?  Because “Anyone who reads Barkin’s profane, blunt, and hilarious Twitter feed knows that there’s definitely no filter on the 57-year-old actress and mother of two young adults.”  And what, exactly, makes Barkin so funny on Twitter?  She swears.  A lot.  I guess if you’re 57 and a mother, that’s considered hilarious.

Listen, I’m no puritan, but whoever said that people who swear a lot are compensating for a lack of imagination was onto something. Cursing, by itself, is not particularly funny.  So go fuck yourselves, Charlize Theron and Ellen Barkin.

On the other hand, I would like to hang out with Theron, especially at the beach (below), although not because of her vocabulary.

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Book me on a flight, pronto, to the recently discovered, Earthlike planet with a temperature of — heavens be praised! — 72 degrees.  A bonus:  no TV on this planet, hence no more Republican debates.

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I’m tired of hearing from that New Jersey whale, Chris Christie.  He is much too fat to be president.  Christie is too bloated to be an elected official, period.  Fat people sweat like pigs, and their odor offends me.

Do those comments sound cruel and bigoted?  Good, because they are meant to be.  I am a smoker, and I hear that kind of crap every day.  Because I am expected to take it, I will also dish it.  Fatso.

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Fans in St. Louis are weeping over the loss of their beloved baseball hero, Albert Pujols (above).  Tough titty.  I sneer at you fans.  Serves you right, suckers.

Pujols, who bolted to California for $250 million, was demonstrating loyalty — to Albert Pujols.  Sports organizations like the St. Louis Cardinals love to preach “fan loyalty.”  But loyalty to what, Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous?  It’s always a one-sided relationship with clubs and players on one side, fans on the other.  And fans are the ones who get dumped.

We have the same issue here in Minnesota, where a spoiled brat named Joe Mauer (below) plays when he wants to (not often) and pouts to the media whenever anyone dares question what he’s done to justify his budget-busting salary.

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“The 14-year sentence is so excessive,” griped MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough, lamenting the prison sentence handed to former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich.  Boo hoo hoo.  The problem with our legal system is that white-collar crooks like Blago routinely escape with light sentences, or no sentences, while small-timers get screwed.  It’s heartening to see the mighty fall — if only on occasion.

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The film community is atwitter because New Yorker critic David Denby violated an unwritten rule when he published an early review of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo — after he agreed not to do so.  Tattoo producer Scott Rudin called Denby’s action “lousy and immoral” and vowed to ban the critic from future screenings.  Denby responded with whines and lame excuses.  Shut up, Denby.

As for the review itself, I’m a bit surprised by Denby’s praise for star Rooney Mara.  After watching Sweden’s Noomi Rapace (above) in the original film, I can’t imagine any other actress portraying Lisbeth Salander.

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Playboy’s photo spread of Lindsay Lohan has leaked to the Internet.  I figured I should do my part in sharing this big news with the world.  Sure, the pictures look artistic, but the problem with celebrity Playboy spreads like this one is that, once the stylists, art directors, and airbrushers finish their work, the actual woman is barely recognizable.  Well … her fanny looks real enough.

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I liked Joy Behar’s show and I’m sorry to see it go, even though, as a straight male, I don’t believe I was ever in its target audience.  (Watching it,  at times I felt like odd man out at a Girls & Gays happy hour.)

My problem with the show was the fact that Behar herself was rarely on it, resulting in an endless stream of guest hosts or repeat episodes.  But Behar’s guests, often fringe celebrities we had not seen in a long time, were a refreshing change from the usual gang of idiots found on other talk shows.

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Newlywed life doesn’t seem to have done much for Daniel Craig’s disposition.  Earlier this year, the temperamental James Bond star complained to Entertainment Weekly that promoting his movies was not his thing:  “I can’t do tits-and-teeth stuff,” Craig sniffed.  (See the Weekly Review, July 31.)

Now Craig has leaped onto the anti-Kardashian bandwagon, grousing to the British GQ, “You see that [Kardashians on TV] and you think, ‘What, you mean all I have to do is behave like a fucking idiot on television and then you’ll pay me millions?’”  If The Grouch ever retires, Craig is more than welcome to assume the reins of this Web site.

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Roger Ebert informed readers of his blog that “Most people have bladders the size of oil drums, but I usually have to pee at least once during a movie.”

Am I the only one who thinks that this is disturbing news coming from a film critic?

Assuming that the average bathroom break takes at least five minutes, then how many crucial scenes and plot developments must Ebert have missed during the course of his career?

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Bill O’Reilly and Newt Gingrich discussed immigration and “sanctuary cities.”  That got me to thinking (admittedly, always a dangerous thing):  Why don’t we establish sanctuary cities for smokers?  As the United States, oddly, tilts more and more toward legalizing marijuana, it continues to ostracize cigarette smokers.  Hey, just give us a place of our own, perhaps Las Vegas, and we’ll leave the rest of you alone.

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News outlets have been reporting on a string of Amish “beard cuttings” in Ohio.  Somehow, reporters covered this story with a straight face (and, in general, a clean-shaven face).

In related news, who says you have to be Amish in order to grow a virile-looking, distinguished and sexy beard?  See below.

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The Five celebrated Thanksgiving and its 100th episode.  The Fox News gang, except for token liberal Bob Beckel, took the opportunity to inform viewers that they “should be thankful for the one percent.”  I agree.  The one percent is taxed much too much.  I believe we should absolve the one percent from paying any taxes, and let everyone else pay for things.  It follows, logically, that we will then have more jobs.  Besides, the one percent got rich without any help from the rest of us — correct?

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Newt Gingrich thinks it’s a swell idea to turn our nation’s schoolchildren into janitors.  This is what Newt and other rich conservatives mean when they describe themselves as “job creators.”

Not sure how long it’s been since Newt lifted a finger to do any sort of manual labor.  Hold on … Newt is doing some heavy lifting in the picture below.

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The California woman who pepper-sprayed fellow shoppers on “Black Friday” chose the wrong target.  She should have zapped the store’s owners. 

I learned that lesson last year when I stood in line in sub-zero temperatures, expecting to score a big-screen TV at Target, but then discovered that the store was pulling a bait-and-switch:  Less than five minutes after opening its doors, Target “sold out” of the TV I was looking for.

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I surfed over to The Huffington Post and was startled by this headline:

Goodness, that Justin Bieber kid had a busy year, didn’t he?

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Actor Nicolas Cage must have the most remarkable and clever publicity team in Hollywood.  In September, we learned that the colorful movie star is in reality some sort of vampire, having posed for a Civil War-era tintype in 1870 (below).  Yesterday, we discovered that Cage is featured on the cover of a Serbian biology textbook (above).

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