The Grouchy Editor

 Finally, some well-deserved recognition.

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Liberal Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer, above, was robbed at knifepoint last week while on vacation in the Caribbean.  It put me in mind of the adage that a conservative is a former liberal who’s been mugged.  Could this incident spell trouble for the liberals?

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Cable news conspired to ruin my Valentine’s Day by endlessly replaying clips of Newt Gingrich being wink-wink coy about his plans for the special day with his beloved Callista.  “All I can promise you is that I believe she will be quite happy tomorrow night,” Newt said at a fundraiser.  “But I’m not going to get into — no more details!” 

Thank you, cable news, for the mental image.

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I see way too many commercials.  I’m sure that you do, too.  The vast majority of these ads suck eggs, but once in awhile I’m surprised by a good one, like GEICO’s ad in which an older guy hires three middle-school girls to nag him about his eating habits. 

But then the commercial runs again.  And again.  And again and again and again and again ….  I don’t like it anymore.

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Why all the glorification of Whitney Houston?  From what I can tell, she was a drunk, a druggie, and a promiscuous party animal who wasted her talent.  And she was a role model for American girls?

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Andrea Mitchell is rapidly becoming my go-to-gal for comic relief on cable news.  Mitchell amuses me with her Pollyanna reactions to current events.  Last week, Andrea was “shocked” by revelations about infamous horn-dog JFK’s sexual proclivities.  This week, Christian conservative Foster Friess told Mitchell, “You know, back in my days, they used Bayer aspirin for contraception.  The gals put it between their knees, and it wasn’t that costly.”

Replied my favorite comedienne:  “Excuse me.  I’m just trying to catch my breath from that, Mr. Friess, frankly.  Let’s change the subject.”

Good stuff.  I guess it shouldn’t be surprising that Andrea has such a great sense of humor.  After all, she is married to that well-known joker, Alan Greenspan.

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Season two of Downton Abbey is concluding, which is sad news for some of us.  Jessica Brown-Findlay, who plays prim-and-proper Lady Sybil, has had enough of prim and proper.  Says Jessica about the difference between Sybil and her character (below) in the new film, Albatross:  “I don’t mind giving everyone a shock.  I have to admit it gives me a thrill to be able to deliver someone who is such a contrast.”  Can’t argue with that.

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In the third quarter of Sunday’s Super Bowl, NBC’s Al Michaels brushed back a tear (presumably) and informed viewers that the Patriots wanted to win the big game for team owners the Kraft family.  It was a touching moment.  Never mind New England fans; the Pats wanted to win for their multi-millionaire owners.

Earlier, New England quarterback Tom Brady had this to say about Myra Hiatt Kraft, who recently died:  “She is a woman who has been smiling down on us over the course of this season.”

I guess Mrs. Kraft decided not to smile down on the Pats during the Super Bowl and instead switched channels to Downton Abbey.  Meanwhile, Brady’s genteel wife, the supermodel Gisele Bundchen, wasn’t smiling either.  Gisele did urge fucking fans to fucking pray for the fucking Patriots.

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Speaking of Downton Abbey, is it possible that the series is already jumping the shark?  Plot developments in the show’s second season have been worrisome.  One episode threatened to turn into a World War I version of Glee, with cast members gathered round a piano and breaking into song.  And there were not one, but two tear-jerking bedside vigils for wounded soldiers.

When Saturday Night Live decides it’s time to lampoon your show, which it did to Downton last week, it could signal the beginning of the end.

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MSNBC’s Andrea Mitchell was “shocked” by revelations about JFK’s salacious, teen-intern-banging ways.  Shocked?  Where has Mitchell been for the past, oh, 50 years? 

But I do feel bad for Andrea’s co-worker, Chris Matthews, who must have lost one of the thrills on his leg when, once again, his presidential idol was exposed as a creepy pervert.

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No surprise that viewers are abandoning network television.  Judging by the abysmal pilots, NBC’s Smash (above) and ABC’s The River (below) are both crap.

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Whenever the curtain falls on some Tinsel Town legend, headlines lament the end of Hollywood’s golden age.  This was the case when Liz Taylor died, and again last week when some other acting coot — I forget who — bit the dust.  But these declarations about the end of Hollywood golden-agers must come as a surprise to still-breathing icons like Kirk Douglas (95), Olivia de Havilland (95), Mickey Rooney (91), and Joan Fontaine (94) — among others.

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Quote of the Week:

“What happens when a film becomes this huge, massive hit and you’re all starting to think you may win an Oscar?”

— CNN’s Piers Morgan, above, to the cast of The Artist when the stars appeared on his show.  The Artist, which has been in theaters for months, recently crawled past the $20 million mark at the box office — a mere pittance by Hollywood standards.

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An FBI report on Steve Jobs includes some dirt about the much-admired genius, stemming from the 1970s when Jobs was “experimenting with marijuana and LSD.”  I guess that when you are a big shot, you don’t “do drugs” or even “take drugs.”  No, you “experiment” with drugs, as if Jobs got high while clad in a white lab coat and taking notes in a university classroom.

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Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta has been in the news.  Why, when I see Panetta, am I reminded of the late, great Ed Wynn?

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I was thumbing through Entertainment Weekly when a picture on page 32 caught my eye.  “Hmmm,” I thought, “I wonder why this photo of pop star Rihanna catches my eye.”  Rihanna looked fetching in fishnet stockings as she performed on stage, but then a lot of celebrities have nice-looking legs — even some female celebrities.  So why was I struck by this particular picture?  Somehow, it seemed familiar.

I did some detective work.  And this is what I found in my recent issues of Entertainment Weekly:

Nov. 25:  three pictures of Rihanna in a sexy bikini-thingy and fishnet stockings, featured in the “Must List.”  On page 68, Rihanna in shorts and fishnet stockings.

Dec. 16:  picture of Rihanna in a leotard and fishnet stockings

Dec. 23:  Rihanna in the bikini-thingy and fishnets again.  And again on page 120.

Jan. 27:  Rihanna in fishnets

Feb. 3:  Rihanna in fishnets

Someone at Entertainment Weekly really, really likes Rihanna.  Or fishnet stockings.

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They say that fashion trends begin in Europe.  I’m still waiting for this “topless women protestors” look to catch on over here.

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The Super Bowl is tomorrow.  For the first time in my adult life, I am seriously considering skipping it.  I might just watch the latest episode of Downton Abbey, instead … aw, who am I kidding?

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Someone at Urban Financial Group thought it was a good idea to have actor Robert Wagner sell “security” to Americans while standing beside a large body of water.  No comment.

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The Oscars are an annual joke — but an entertaining joke.  Every year, through sheer luck, the academy manages to nominate some worthy contenders.  But mostly it’s a popularity contest worth watching only to giggle at celebrities who are dressed up, nervous, and wearing pasted-on smiles.

Can you tell that I am bitter that Melancholia was shut out of the nominations?

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CNN’s Erin Burnett has a tendency to speak first, think later.  This can be irritating to watch, but at times it’s refreshing, as when Burnett told lawyer Marc Bern that his attempt to rake in $450 million in punitive damages for six passengers on the ill-fated Carnival cruise ship is “obscene,” and the kind of lawsuit that calls for tort reform.

Burnett was right.  I’m sorry that you fell off a ship and had to be rescued, but that should not entitle you to live like Bill Gates for the rest of your life.

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It was a downer to witness the media devour one of its own — CNN’s John King — after Newt Gingrich used King to deflect attention from his own political problems during last week’s Republican debate.  King asked a relevant question (about Gingrich’s former marriage) on a topic that was in the headlines.  Blowhard Newt then feigned “outrage” at King’s temerity.  Worse, the media, including King’s colleagues at CNN, then smelled blood and ratings and failed to defend him.

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I’m guessing that this ad will not be used as a recruiting tool by America’s creative writing classes:

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Such a pretty girl.  I wonder who she is.

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Golden Globes Musings

Host Ricky Gervais was too tame.  He lied when he said he would continue last year’s hilarious smackdown of Hollywood’s snobbish elite.

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Johnny Depp’s fake voice is grating.  I don’t recall him having that affected accent back in his Private Resort days.

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Jodie Foster was a good sport during Gervais’s Beaver jokes.  Too many actors take themselves way too seriously.  For proof of that, just listen to almost any actor’s commentary on DVD extras.

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Asshole of the Week:  Michael Roizen

Dr. Michael Roizen of the Cleveland Clinic, speaking on CNN:  “The thing that we can do most to improve job competitiveness, to lower the budget deficit, is to ban smoking among state workers or ban smoking — not hire — federal workers who smoke.  That single thing would do the most to make America more competitive for jobs.”

What an obnoxious prick.  Ban smoking and you’ll lose millions of tax dollars, Roizen.  And since when is some doctor in Cleveland the go-to-guy for economic policy?  If you are so concerned about “competitiveness,” then you’d better also promote job discrimination against people who drink, and people who are fat.  Of course if you do that, in no time at all you won’t have anyone left to hire.

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Jon Huntsman “suspends” his candidacy.  Herman Cain “suspends” his candidacy.  Rick Perry “suspends” his candidacy.  The suspends is killing me.  This is why people hate politicians.  They refuse to use plain English, even when they simply quit.

But it was a great week in politics, watching all of those Republicans implode.  It was especially gratifying to watch Mitt Romney squirm as he tried  to tell ordinary Americans why they should vote for Richie Rich.

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We keep hearing about “saving the women and children” on that capsized cruise ship in Italy.  Are we back in 1912, talking about the Titanic?  Save the children, sure, but why the women?  Does equality of the sexes only apply when it works in the woman’s favor?

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Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton announced that, as part of his efforts to encourage diversity in the workplace, surgeons have successfully completed the first head-of-state transplant. Dayton’s head will share executive decision-making with this Asian man’s head.

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The Huffington Post on Friday forgot to add captions to these pictures, so we took the liberty.

                  Before                                             After

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Lake Superior State University came up with a list of words and terms that it believes should be banished from the English language.  Nice list, but I would add two more:

“Indie Darling” — I was reading Entertainment Weekly and, on page 12, I noticed an item about “Indie-rock darling Carrie Brownstein.”  In the same issue on page 80, there was a piece about “indie-cinema darling” Parker Posey.  So I did what anyone with too much time on his hands would do, I Googled “indie darling” and another annoying term that pops up everywhere, “(fill-in-the-blank) porn.”

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“Imagine if you flicked on your television and found that the government had cancelled American Idol, 30 Rock, The Office, and Dancing with the Stars.” — CNN’s Fareed Zakaria, commenting on government censorship in China.  Next time, Fareed, could you please pick shows that don’t deserve to be censored?

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Until this week, I’d never heard of CNN correspondent Alison Kosik.  But on Wednesday I listened as this (presumably) highly paid TV reporter told unemployed Americans that temp jobs are “not that bad.”  Then I read that in October Kosik had mocked the Occupy Wall Street folk.  And I see that she advocates the use of job-killing self-checkout lanes in grocery stores.  So now I know more about Alison Kosik.  She is a jerk.

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Runaway:  I love this film.  It’s nine minutes of goofy greatness.  Watch it by clicking here, and thank me later.

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Stephen Colbert is “running for president.”  Ha ha.  This guy has never struck me as funny.  He is a one-joke act, and I tire of that act after about 15 seconds.  Colbert gets a lot of media attention because of his proximity to Jon Stewart and because he jokes about politics.  But that don’t make him funny, do it?

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I’ve been wondering whatever became of the male stars of Dawson’s Creek.  Turns out that Joshua Jackson, who played Pacey Witter, has been getting up to all sorts of mischief in Latin America.  Just in case you weren’t a Dawson fan, here are a few pictures of Joshua, Hollywood-style (top row), and Joshua, Peruvian-style (bottom row).

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For some unfathomable reason, there are people interested in the fact that Beyoncé and her husband, Jay-Z, are new parents.  Their baby girl is named Blue, but I’ve been unable to discover her surname.  In fact, I’ve been unable to discover her parents’ surnames.  So I guess I will just call them the blacks and Blue.

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Please forgive today’s abbreviated edition of the “Weekly Review.”  Grouchy has been a bit preoccupied of late.  During a recent excursion in cyberspace, he happened upon what might be — hold on — the girl of his dreams.

She’s a lovely lass:  a dog-loving beauty queen, whiling away her days in the Florida sunshine and, no doubt, captivating every man that she meets.

The Grouch does not yet know the name of this vision of loveliness (her initials, she teases, are C.A.), but he did manage to grab a screen capture or two of her, and he feels certain that once you gaze upon her sweet visage you will agree with him:  She is every man’s fantasy girl.

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Priests Gone Wild!

Another sign of the coming apocalypse:  brawling Greek Orthodox and Armenian priests.  To watch the melee, go here.

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Bullshit Political “Truisms”

1.  There are too many negative campaign ads.  Hogwash.  We love them, we need them, and they have always been part of American politics.

2.  At least he’s consistent and doesn’t flip-flop.  Why on Earth is this considered a virtue?  Hitler was consistent and didn’t flip-flop.  Should we admire him for that?

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My new favorite celebrity grouch is Daniel Craig, who is forever grumbling about something, or someone, to the press.  Recently, the James Bond star has snarled about the Kardashians (“What, you mean all I have to do is behave like a fucking idiot on television, and then you’ll pay me millions?”), media interviews (“I can’t do the tits-and-teeth stuff”), and now this:

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I thought I should say something about the Bill Maher-Tim Tebow feud, but then I realized that I just … don’t … seem … to care.  But here’s a picture of the Denver quarterback, just because you want to see one.

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CNN is relentlessly plugging its New Year’s Eve special with Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin.  “The most unpredictable show on television!” crows the network.  Balderdash.  Granted, their banter is amusing, but there is no program on television more predictable than Cooper-Griffin on New Year’s Eve.

Griffin will make sex jokes.  Cooper will turn red and giggle.  Griffin will “hit on” Cooper.  Cooper will act embarrassed.  Repeat.  Same act as last year, and the year before that, and ….

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Quote of the Week (James Joyce):

“I think I would know [Joyce’s wife] Nora’s fart anywhere.  I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women.  It is a rather girlish noise not like the wet windy fart which I imagine fat wives have.  It is sudden and dry and dirty like what a bold girl would let off in fun in a school dormitory at night.  I hope Nora will let off no end of her farts in my face so that I may know their smell also.”

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This is a fake People magazine cover. It is not real.  But I am wicked and enjoy doing my small part to spread false Internet rumors about celebrities, so here you go.

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And finally, basketball fans welcoming point guard Ricky Rubio to Minnesota:

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It’s the end of December, and that means it is time for every news show, magazine, and Web site to compile inane “end-of-year” lists.  But most smart people realize that next year, 2012, heralds the end of the world, and so it makes a lot more sense to compile an “end-of-the-world” list.  Thus, here you go:

Best Species of All Time:  The Cockroach

Everyone knows that in the event of a nuclear holocaust, the much-maligned cockroach is one of the few species expected to survive, possibly even thrive.  I don’t see why, come Armageddon, things should be any different for the heroic and plucky cockroach.

Best Con Artist of All Time:  Cleopatra

The Queen of the Nile, according to ancient coins that bear her visage, was one homely lady.  And yet somehow the woman enjoys a “man-eater” reputation, inspiring Hollywood biographies and even a role for our most beautiful star, Liz Taylor.

Greatest Work of Art:  2012

The critics hated it but hey, when you are right about things, you are right about things.

Greatest Blight on the Universe:  Television Commercials

TV signals are beamed into space.  Somewhere, someday, an alien species will be subjected to god-awful Nationwide insurance commercials.  When the aliens study Earth’s doomed culture, they will despise us for this. 

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When the power went out — twice — during this week’s Steelers-49ers contest, someone made the decision to delay the game.  I think that was a missed opportunity.  They should have kept playing in the dark, like many of us did when we were kids.  “Dark football” would have been a big hit.

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I wonder if the geniuses at Columbia Pictures’s marketing department thought of potential negative associations when they came up with the above slogan for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.  What is hidden in snow that comes forth in the thaw?  I’ll bet they didn’t think of this:

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I often channel surf between Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Fallon, but I never watch Jimmy Kimmel’s show.  This is because Kimmel’s show includes a non-stop barrage of commercials.  I took notes the other night:  

11:55 — Jimmy welcomes guest Jeremy Renner.

12:03 — The onslaught begins.  There are ads for Capital One, the Minnesota lottery, Xbox 360, Hilton’s Doubletree, Ford’s Focus, HBO’s True Blood, Celebrity Wife Swap, The Bachelor, Dodge Journey, and Menards.

12:08 — Back to the show.

12:13 — Ads for Bud Light, Blockbuster, Arby’s, Macy’s, Stayfree, Head & Shoulders, Viagra, the NBA, Winter Wipeout, Ford, Xfinity, local news, Citibank, Target, Midnight in Paris, Gamefly,com, Centrum, Target, The Bachelor, Celebrity Wife Swap, Work It, Jeep Grand Cherokee, and The Original Mattress Factory.

12:22 — Back to the show.

12:29 — Ads for Chrysler, Delsym cough syrup, Mucinex, Mitsubishi, GMC Superstore, and local news.

12:32 — Back to the show.

I watched Kimmel for 37 minutes.  There were 39 commercials.  That’s 20 minutes of Jimmy, 17 minutes of ads.  Some day, this is what the aliens will see, and they will despise us for it.

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Posting pictures of female buttocks is a sexist, revolting practice, and we hereby resolve to stop doing it.  Instead, please enjoy this beautiful landscape portrait:

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I read that Michael Fassbender’s (above) acting in the sex-filled Shame is “fearless.”  I’ve seen that adjective used to describe performances by actresses like Michelle Williams and Halle Berry.  “Fearless” is critic-code for “He/She gets naked a lot in this movie.”  Rooney Mara, no doubt, gives a fearless performance in The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

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Irritating Codger of the Week:  Tom Brokaw

Brokaw’s mush-mouthed, incomprehensible delivery made for painful viewing back when he was anchoring the news.  Then he managed to alienate Baby Boomers and most everyone else with his “greatest generation” hogwash.  (Apparently, widespread racism and sexism during the 1930s-’60s were just minor flaws, in Tom’s opinion.)

Now Brokaw is popping up on the talk-show circuit as some sort of “elder statesman.”  Sorry, dude, but you ain’t Walter Cronkite — and you look ridiculous in that robe (above).

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Here you go, Bush, this is your legacy:

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Simon Cowell says that new America’s Got Talent judge Howard Stern is “not stupid,” and that Stern will have to curb his outrageousness for NBC’s family-friendly show.  “If he goes too far, he’ll be kicked off,” Cowell says.  Hmmm … a tame Howard Stern?  Doesn’t that pretty much defeat the purpose of hiring him?

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From E! Online:  “We want to hang out with Charlize Theron, like, right now.  Seriously, could she be any friggin’ cooler?”  E! Online then uses a quote from actress Elizabeth Reaser to explain what makes Theron so friggin’ cool:  “She [Theron] is also very potty-mouthed.  Everyone else I know says ‘fuck’ and ‘shit’ every other word, but she is just so unabashedly herself.”

This reminds me of Entertainment Weekly’s recent love letter to Hollywood has-been Ellen Barkin (below), in which EW readers were informed that the profanity-loving actress is “our new Twitter obsession.”  And why is that?  Because “Anyone who reads Barkin’s profane, blunt, and hilarious Twitter feed knows that there’s definitely no filter on the 57-year-old actress and mother of two young adults.”  And what, exactly, makes Barkin so funny on Twitter?  She swears.  A lot.  I guess if you’re 57 and a mother, that’s considered hilarious.

Listen, I’m no puritan, but whoever said that people who swear a lot are compensating for a lack of imagination was onto something. Cursing, by itself, is not particularly funny.  So go fuck yourselves, Charlize Theron and Ellen Barkin.

On the other hand, I would like to hang out with Theron, especially at the beach (below), although not because of her vocabulary.

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