The Grouchy Editor

There is an explanation for this picture.  It’s a perfectly newsworthy photograph.  Seriously.  See below.

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When I was a kid, I once asked my father what he thought of the comedian Red Skelton.  My dad said that he didn’t care for Skelton because he laughed at his own jokes.

I’m reminded of that every time I watch the spawn of Bill Maher’s Politically Incorrect:  The Five and Red Eye on Fox News, and The Cycle on MSNBC (above).  All three shows feature segments in which a host reads from a prepared “humor” piece.

Problem is, these monologues are rarely laugh-out-loud funny, yet they are greeted with howls of forced laughter from the other panelists.  About the only time something genuinely humorous occurs in the world of politics, it’s spontaneous or accidental — like the angry Iraqi man hurling his shoes at a ducking George Bush.

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Ann Coulter and activist Kevin Powell engaged in a polite debate on Joy Behar’s show:

Powell:  “You’re clearly a racist.”

Coulter:  “You’re clearly a moron.”

Now that’s funny.

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In that same spirit of civil discourse, here is my take on that fat lady singing the blues in Wisconsin:

Stop whining and go home, Miss Piggy.  Your 15 minutes are up, and the only “bully” we’re seeing is you.

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Geez, Arnold, I watched you hem and haw on 60 Minutes and I almost felt sorry for you.  At times, you resembled a … girlie man?

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“Television is where it’s at … and I don’t disagree.” — Entertainment Weekly movie critic Lisa Schwarzbaum.

You have to feel a bit sorry for long-time film critics like Schwarzbaum and Roger Ebert, who are often reduced to two choices at today’s cinema:  small, independent movies that no one will see, or the latest brain-dead superhero/comic book/special-effects extravaganza, which is made for and marketed to teenagers.  Meanwhile, all of the best writers have migrated to cable channels like FX, AMC, Showtime, and HBO.

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That does it.  If Romney wins, I’m moving to Brazil.

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Always the gracious host, Piers Morgan informed guest Jesse Ventura, “You make some very sensible points, and you make crackpot points.”

Piers later told Jesse, “You have been, as always … slightly crackers.”

I don’t know.  There are times when Ventura (above right, with potential “running mate” Howard Stern) makes more sense than our current candidates.

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Worst thing about the ridiculous fuss over the NFL’s striking referees? The unfortunate side-effect that it provided pompous ass Bob Costas with lots of air-time on news outlets.

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Martin Bashir, above, has trouble restraining his inner naughty boy.  After the New York Times ran a quote about “the stench of [Mitt] Romney” and its deleterious effect on Paul Ryan, Bashir asked guest Ken Vogel about the Romney campaign’s difficulty in attracting donors.

Bashir:  “Who’s to blame?  Is it Mr. Ryan or The Stench?”

Vogel:  “I don’t know about The Stench.”

Bashir:  “Is it time for more Republicans, as it were, to start standing upwind of Mitt Romney?”

Vogel:  “We should point out that that is traditionally the role that vice-presidential running mates take:  They are number two.  They’re number two for a reason.”

Somewhere, Beavis and Butt-head are giggling.

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So much for gender equality in high-school sports.

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Time was, movie stars considered themselves too good for TV commercials.  Then some of them began doing ads on the sly in places like Japan.  Now, you can’t turn on the television without hearing pitches from Tom Hanks (Marie Callender’s), Paul Giamatti (Liberty Mutual Insurance), Jeff Bridges (Duracell), Tommy Lee Jones (Ameriprise), or George Clooney (Budweiser).  John Travolta must be mistaken; it’s a good time to be a celebrity.

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“President Obama on that thing, he came off as an emasculated wimp.  He really did.” — Bernard McGuirk (above), a Bill O’Reilly minion, evaluating Obama’s appearance on The View.

OK, talk-show tough guy, be sure to let us know how emasculation feels on November 7.

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Meanwhile, this week on Survivor …

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Great Art (and Hot Blondes)

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Survivor is back, and it’s not hard to figure out which castaway is the favorite with CBS cameramen.  Hint:  It’s not the black dude.

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Critics Agree!

“It’s a stupid film on YouTube.” — noted author Salman Rushdie

“Fourteen minutes of your life you will never get back.” — some other guy

I had to see what all the fuss was about, so I checked out the trailer for Young Muhammad in Love, or whatever it’s called, and, well … I’ll have to say, this is wonderful stuff.  Here are my Oscar predictions for this charming little indie:

Best Supporting Actress:  Irma Glutz 

Best Supporting Actor:  Clem Kardashian

Achievement in Special Effects

Best Sex Scene (ok, ok, not an Oscar category, but should be)

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Sometimes I daydream about moving to Alaska.  I think it might be a nice place to live.  But then I see news items from Alaska like this:

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Piers Morgan took to Twitter to vent about Kelsey Grammer, who stomped off the set of Piers’s CNN program:

“Kelsey Grammer was supposed to be on my show now but ran out of the building.  Strange,” tweeted Piers.  He followed up with this:  “So, Kelsey Grammer saw a photo of his ex wife Camille in the open to our show and legged it  …. a shockingly unprofessional thing to do.”

Hard to understand what Kelsey found so offensive, so we tracked down the picture that opened Piers’ show, from Camille’s Oscar-nominated turn in The Naked Detective:

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Not that long ago, the world stood still when a certain author published certain books.  This week, that author is publishing her latest book.  What’s that, you say?  Nope, I wasn’t aware of it, either.

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“During sex with your father, is it considered cheating if you think of someone else?” — Joy Behar, mangling a viewer-submitted question (she meant to say “partner,” not “father”).

It’s possible that I might have butchered Behar’s mangled quote, just a bit.  Behar’s new network, Current TV, does not provide written transcripts of her show.  My point is this:  Who knew Jokin’ Joy is back with a new show?

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Prick of the Week:  Moneyball Author Michael Lewis

Rachel Maddow:  “Why do you think President Obama let you have this kind of access for eight months?”

Michael Lewis (author of a new book about Obama):  “It’s interesting because he never explained why it was that he let me tag along with him, which is what he did.”

Gee, Mr. Journalist, could it be because you violated reporting ethics, big time, by agreeing to let Obama veto any quotes he didn’t care for?

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I was watching one of those British mystery series, Midsomer Murders.  The killer turned out to be a young woman, the product of an illicit affair, who was upset because she wasn’t fully accepted by her family — the “Inkpens.”  Yes, folks, she was driven to kill because she really, really wanted to be an Inkpen.  Gotta love those British mysteries.

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“Well I hate to say this but I was right and the president was wrong.” — Bill O’Reilly, crowing about his “prediction” of trouble in Egypt.  Great work, Bill.  You, and only you, suspected that violence might once again rear its ugly head in the Middle East.

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Yes, there is another scandal involving England’s royal family.  According to at least one Web site, “Kate [Middleton] was spotted smoking a cigarette as the couple walked out of nearby Marseille airport, where they arrived on a commercial flight.”

This kind of behavior must end.  Cannot believe they are taking commercial flights!  And oh, yes, there are also naked pictures of Kate, taken apparently as she playfully mooned the photographer.

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And finally, since we are on the subject of sexy mammals …

Click here for the saddest love story since Romeo and Juliet

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Bill Maher issues “New Rules” for whatever happens to be ticking him off.  After suffering through two weeks of political bluster at the conventions, I have my own new rule:  No more mentioning your ancestors in political speeches.

I’m touched that your grandma raised 38 children and rode a mule-driven wagon to the marketplace, and I’m happy that your daddy rose heroically from shoe shiner to president of the Lions Club.  But what, exactly, does any of that have to do with you?

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“Why is that?  Why do we need to work?” — Greg Gutfeld, above, on The Five

Because if you didn’t work, you’d have time for introspection.  And if you had time for introspection, you might realize how you come off on The Five.  Like a sad, bitter little turd.

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“Europe is trying Republican-style austerity, and it’s driving them, literally, numerous countries, over the cliff.” — Democratic strategist Julian Epstein (above)

Unless the Italians have messed with Mount Vesuvius and the venerable volcano is erupting and steamrolling villages, then no, Europe is not “literally” driving countries over the cliff.

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Putin is in the news again, this time for ruminating about group sex and for hang gliding with wild cranes. Yet for my money, Putin’s strangest moment remains the day that he planted a kiss on a five-year-old boy’s belly.

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Yes, times are tough in the publishing world, but I’m tired of receiving “special double issues” of Entertainment Weekly.  A typical issue of EW contains about 80 pages.  A recent EW “special double issue” had 120 pages.  Do the math.

Next week, of course, there will be no issue at all.  I think it’s time to change your name to Entertainment Every Other Weekly.

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Fall TV Excitement!

“Take a deep breath, and lower your expectations.” — Producer Howard Gordon, warning Homeland fans about the show’s second season.  That sounds like a good idea.  A big part of season one’s appeal was the mystery of Sgt. Brody:  Was he a good guy or a bad guy?  The season finale pretty much answered that question.  So what do they do for an encore?

“[Networks] were all ‘Horror does not work.’ It does work.” — NBC producer Bryan Fuller.  Sure it does — on the big screen, not on the small one.  I enjoy American Horror Story (below) and The Walking Dead because they are freaky and creepy.  But there is one thing they are not:  frightening. I don’t know exactly why, but TV doesn’t do scary. Never has, probably never will.

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At times, I have trouble taking Ted Baxter … er, Scott Pelley, seriously.  It doesn’t help when Pelley wears jackets that, at a glance, seem to reveal his tiny yellow arms.

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Airheaded Anchor Comment of the Week:

“I’m supposed to say nude, but I’m going to say naked.” — HLN’s Richelle Carey, pictured above, discussing rumors about the emergence of more Prince Harry pictures.

Yes, because your viewers might struggle with the definition of a big word like “nude.”

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Michael Moore was on a Huffington Post podcast the other day.  Michael Moore should really think twice before wearing shorts on national podcasts.

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Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.  Sometimes the title of a show tells you everything that you need to know.

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Good job, TMZ, for placing that little red star over Prince Harry’s arse.  It does so much to preserve his modesty.

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Back in May, some idiot on this Web site ridiculed CNN for speculating about a hurricane striking Florida during the Republican National Convention.  Idiots do not get fired at The Grouchy Editor, they get promoted, so yes, he’s still here.

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Come on, voters.  Can’t we show Richie Rich that, at least this one time, money can’t buy everything?

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Animal-rights activists are up in the air … er, up in arms because someone duct-taped a turtle to helium balloons and then launched the little fellow.  I don’t know, I think if I were a turtle, I might enjoy the change of scenery.

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Someone is always trying to cut funding for poor PBS.  And frankly, with so many great science shows on cable, it’s getting harder to justify public broadcasting.

Maybe it’s a sign of (my) old age, but I’m digging the programming on channels like Discovery, Nat Geo, and Science, which is often jaw-dropping stuff.  Who needs MTV?

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“I think the vice president of the United States has become a laugh line on late-night television.”

Coming from the clown pictured above and below, should we take this quote from Rudy Giuliani as an endorsement of Joe Biden?

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I’m still waiting for Bernie Goldberg’s angry denunciation of media bias as it pertains to the birthday cake that Fox’s Chris Wallace presented to Paul Ryan (above).

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I’m tired of hearing about what a “nice guy” Ryan is.  We also hear how nice Mitt Romney is, and how nice President Obama is.  These guys are politicians — if they came off as snarling, sniveling jackanapes, what chance would they have of getting elected?

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This is why some journalists eschew television and go into print media, where they cannot be seen.

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We began this week’s review with a picture of the sun.  We end with a picture of the moon, courtesy of Katy Perry at a California water park.

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Great Minds Think Alike

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I can’t be bothered to read The Huffington Post commenting “guidelines,” because they are so obvious.  They must go something like this:

“It does not matter if your post is obscenity-free, threat-free, and libel-free.  If we don’t like it, we will censor it.”

I suspect that the Post dislikes me because I have the temerity to point out its typographical screw-ups.  Like this one:

So what did I post that caused “MotorcycleBoy” and the Huff Post editors to throw a tanrum?  This:

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And finally, odd post of the week, courtesy of Gawker:

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It’s August and the country is entering the home stretch of the 2012 presidential election.  We are being bombarded with vicious political sniping and snapping — and that’s just among cable-news anchors.

As things get even more foul-tempered on our way to November, this Grouch needed a break from politics.  So thank you, Sight & Sound, for choosing this week to announce your new list of “the greatest movies of all time.”

Wisconsin’s favorite fat man, Orson Welles, has been dethroned by England’s favorite fat man, Alfred Hitchcock, at the top of the list, which is a poll of international film critics that Sight & Sound conducts every ten years.  But is top-pick Vertigo really Hitchcock’s crown jewel?

I made my own list of the master’s five best movies.  My criterion was simple if unoriginal:  I imagined that I was stuck on the proverbial desert island, along with a video player and five Hitchcock flicks.  Which five do I choose, and in what order?

North by Northwest     It was a tossup between this Cary Grant classic and the more somber Vertigo, but I figured that if I am stuck on an island, then I am a very depressed puppy, and I would prefer a comic thriller to a drama about a sexually screwed-up cop.

If you enjoy today’s Bourne and Mission Impossible movies, you can thank Hitchcock, because this 1959 thrill ride inspired the James Bond movies, which in turn led to the Matt Damon and Tom Cruise vehicles.

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Vertigo     Earlier this year, Vertigo star Kim Novak made news when she expressed displeasure that The Artist had “borrowed” composer Bernard Herrmann’s score from this 1958 gem.  I think she should have considered it a compliment.  There was no better director-musician combo at work in the 1950s than Hitchcock-Herrmann, and Vertigo might be their best collaboration.  Oh … and the rest of the movie ain’t exactly chopped liver.

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Rear Window     When you think about it, the people in this near-perfect movie do some awfully peculiar things.  Middle-aged Jimmy Stewart, confined by a broken leg to a wheelchair, treats gorgeous Grace Kelly as if she is Thelma Ritter.  I take that back, because he is actually nicer to Thelma:  He allows her to give him back rubs.  Meanwhile, across the courtyard, gay actor Raymond Burr spends much of the film dressed like a slob and behaving like most heterosexual men:  bickering with his wife.  At least the dog is normal.

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Psycho     Frankly, I’m a little tired of this film.  That’s not a knock on the movie; I’ve simply seen it too many times over the years.  So I suppose if I’m really stranded on a desert island, I’d skip this shocker, just because I know it too well.  So let’s pretend that you are the person stuck on that island, and you’ve never seen Psycho.  It should be fourth on your list.

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And finally … The Birds?  Frenzy?  Notorious?  Strangers on a Train?  Regretfully, I will have to pick Lifeboat.  After all, I need something to get me off that damned island.

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