The Grouchy Editor

Football wife Anna Welker, above, had some choice Facebook words for Baltimore’s Ray Lewis, who in the past has had some well-publicized legal problems.  I had never heard of Anna Welker, so I Googled her.  I have a hunch that the German woman pictured below, also named Anna Welker, is surprised by the sudden popularity of her online job profile.

Expect CBS broadcasters Jim Nantz and Phil Simms to kiss Lewis’s ass during the Super Bowl, and say little or nothing about his messy past (below).  That’s apparently Anna Welker’s job – the American Anna Welker, that is.

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Thanks to the Manti Te’o hullaballoo, I’ve been watching MTV’s Catfish, which documents similar online deceptions.  MTV should consider changing the name of this show to:  Fat Youth Lying to Get Dates.

Catfish second banana Max Joseph (above left) shared an opinion that got my goat:  “Saying you don’t have a cell phone is like saying you don’t wear pants!”

I don’t have a cell phone, and I might or might not be wearing pants – got a problem with that, Junior?

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Fashion Update!

CNN “fashion czar” Alina Cho was giddy over the way designer Jason Wu dolled up Michelle Obama (above) for inauguration festivities.  Gushed Alina, “Another thing he [Wu] said, you know what? ‘After four years in office I thought the country was ready to see a confident First Lady in red’ – which I think is extraordinary.” 

Good point, Alina, because until last week the nation most likely preferred a cowering, timid First Lady in red.

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The reviews are in for Movie 43, and they ain’t pretty.  Here is a sample from Moviefone:

“The first section, with Jackman (playing a man who has testicles hanging off his chin) and Winslet, was shot FOUR YEARS AGO.  Even after people said yes, they didn’t want to be in this thing.”

The “thing” is getting universally trashed by critics, and yet … I don’t know about you, but any movie that has Hugh Jackman with testicles hanging off his chin sounds like a must-see to me.

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The Huffington Post should really consider hiring a few proofreaders.

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 Dumb Jocks

I’m tired of Lance Armstrong and I’m tired of Oprah.  The former is just the latest in a string of arrogant jerks from Texas, and the latter is a gigantic, unctuous blob of fat.

In her interview with Armstrong (above), Oprah had a lot of “yes” or “no” questions for the middle-aged man who rides bicycles for a living.  I have one for Oprah:  “Yes or no, you had four pumpkin pies for dessert last night, didn’t you?”  As for the sociopath who sat across from her, it’s not a genuine “apology” if you expect something in return, and this pompous ass clearly wants something in return.

Much more entertaining is the loopy story of Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o (below) and his enigmatic “girlfriend.”  This ongoing scandal is delicious because the only damage being done is to the overstuffed egos of monomaniacal coaches, idolized jocks, and lazy sportswriters.

Notre Dame athletic director Jack Swarbrick (below) getting misty-eyed at his press conference about the Te’o controversy?  Priceless.

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“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” — That’s an aphorism attributed to any number of historical figures, and a piece of advice rigidly adhered to by Clarence Thomas (above) until Monday when, for the first time in nearly seven years, the Supreme Court justice opened his mouth in court and said … something. We’re still not sure just what.

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“The governor is the master of the one-liner.” — Fox & Friends doofus Steve Doocy, gushing about Arnold Schwarzenegger.  That’s because if a movie script assigns more than one line to Arnold, he’s in over his head.

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Kathryn Bigelow (above) attracts controversy the way Honey Boo Boo attracts chiggers.  Three years ago, Bigelow won Best Director for The Hurt Locker, an OK movie that I’ve already forgotten.  This year, she got snubbed for her efforts on Zero Dark Thirty.  I suspect Bigelow won for Locker because she is female, and Academy voters felt guilty about having never awarded a directing Oscar to a woman.  I also suspect she got penalized this year because she doesn’t condemn torture in Zero.

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When posting pictures of the enemy, media outlets tend to select less-than-flattering images.  And so we have The Huffington Post running this shot of NRA spokesman Wayne LaPierre.

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Jennifer Lawrence discussed “anal leakage” with David Letterman, above.  I’m not sure that Jimmy Kimmel will ever top that.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Why Some People Question the “Reality” of Reality TV

“We have to keep this quiet.” — girl to boy she is kissing … while television cameras film their “private” moment on the premiere of MTV’s Buckwild (cast pictured above).

Downton Abbey (below) is back, and that’s prompted lots of critical essays about why viewers are attracted to this stuffy-but-entertaining series.  Here is my theory:  It’s the anti-Buckwild.

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Attentive readers might have noticed that there was no “Free Flick of the Week” on Monday.

We’re closing the balcony on free movies for several reasons:  1)  It’s become a pain to locate no-fee films worth watching, because many previously free movies have been gobbled up by Amazon, Hulu Plus, et al, and saddled with viewing fees; 2)  Ad-free films, once commonplace on the Web, are increasingly rare; 3) Does anyone really need help finding movies on the Internet?  Nah, we didn’t think so.  So rest in peace, “Free Flicks of the Week.”

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Quotes:

“Here’s a tip:  If you know someone heavily into sadism, avoid them.  Avoid them; there is something wrong.” — Bill O’Reilly advising his audience to shun moviegoers who patronize slasher fare like Texas Chainsaw 3D.  Good advice, Bill.  That’s my attitude toward most conservatives who watch your show.  I avoid them, because there is something wrong.

“Are we living in a Women’s Studies class?” — Tom Shillue on Red Eye, expressing his outrage over feminist outrage over Brent Musburger’s outrageous comments about the precious wallflower pictured below.

“I think you’d probably win in the Supreme Court on that.  But I don’t think anyone can predict for sure.” — Jeffrey Toobin, wisely hedging his bets on Piers Morgan Tonight.  If I didn’t know better, I’d say that Jeffrey might have recently made a bad prediction.  About, for example, the Supreme Court and health care.

“We’re living in tough economic times that make people irrational about security ….  There’s a lot of fear in this country.  And a lot of it is fear of the future and fear of unemployment.” — Arianna Huffington, who contributes to the well-being and security of writers on her Web site by paying them … nothing.

“Any sleep medication has the potential to cause drowsiness, and people really need to think about this.” — Jon LaPook (above) on the CBS Evening News, taking “stating the obvious” to new heights.  Or is it new lows?

“I wouldn’t tell Jesus anything.  I would ask a few questions, and then listen to him.” — O’Reilly again, explaining to a viewer how he would conduct himself at dinner with the Messiah.  I don’t believe a word of it.  O’Reilly would listen briefly, then interrupt Jesus and begin yelling at him.

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The scariest part of American Horror Story?  This face, which appears in a flash during the opening credits:

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I complained to the manager at my neighborhood supermarket because I had to walk past this picture at the magazine rack.  If stores have to hide cigarettes, they should certainly be required to hide this sort of thing.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

In the wake of Al-Jazeera’s purchase of Current TV, Joy Behar: Say Anything! released this new publicity shot of Joy welcoming guest Ellen DeGeneres to the show.

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“Overused Too Often”

CNN interviewed John Shibley (above), a creator of Lake Superior State University’s list of annoying words and expressions that simply must go.

Martin Savidge:  “So let’s talk about … how this list-compiling all began.”

Shibley:  “[We] discussed how many words and phrases are overused too often.”

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My proposed term to dump:  “disgruntled employee”

We hear this whenever some wackdoodle returns to the office and blows away former co-workers.  But these people are not “disgruntled,” which to my mind describes a cubicle-dweller who is unhappy with the decaf in the breakroom, not some lunatic with an Uzi.

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Sometimes I weep for humanity.  This poll makes me very sad.  Doesn’t anyone believe in young love, anymore?

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**SPOILER ALERT!!!**

Sorry.  I’ve just always wanted to write that.

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Jimmy Kimmel takes on Letterman and Leno this week.  I handicap the race:

Letterman — the best

Kimmel — too damn many commercials.  I once timed an ad break during his show and it lasted nearly nine minutes.  Jimmy, your guests had better be The Beatles — including the dead ones — if I am going to sit through that many ads.

Leno — every year, this guy grows more physically repulsive, and I simply cannot stand to look at him

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Speaking of physical appearance … hell must have frozen over, because voters sent an attractive politician to Congress.  Thanks, Hawaii, for giving us Tulsi Gabbard (below).

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“I go to the gas station such a small amount, that I forget how to put gas in my car.” — Volt owner Elissa, above.

Let me get this straight:  Because this self-confessed idiot likes the Chevy Volt, I should run out and buy one, too?

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Lots of excitement in these parts over the possibility of Minnesota’s Adrian Peterson (above) setting an NFL rushing record tomorrow.  But press coverage of Peterson’s historic pursuit seems to be leaving out something … or someone.

Media types inform us that Peterson is closing in on the single-season yardage record set by Eric Dickerson back in 1984.  But is that the whole story?  Dickerson did rush for 2,105 yards that year — in a 16-game season.  Someone else rushed for 2,003 yards ten years earlier — in a 14-game season, and with a better yards-per-game average (143) than both Dickerson and Peterson.  And just who was this super stud?  Hmmm … recognize anyone in the mug shot below?

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The political rumor mill has it that actress Ashley Judd might run for Kentucky’s senate slot in 2014, opposite renowned double-chinned Republican Mitch McConnell.  We can just imagine Ashley’s campaign posters — and Mitch’s reaction.

Good luck, Mitch.  Seems like you’re going to need it.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Chin Up!

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Wolf Blitzer cited a “scathing, scathing” government report about something.  Someone should tell Wolf that we can hear him — clearly, clearly — the first time he speaks.  A few more Blitzerisms from this week:

“Dr. Drew, excellent, excellent advice.”

“Much, much more of the interview in the next hour.”

“So what time did you get the confirmation of this horrible, horrible news?”

“This huge, huge tragedy.”

“The pain is clearly, clearly evident.”

“One of his former classmates says Lanza was once, was once a good kid.”

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Good Show That You Are Probably Not Watching:

Season two of The Hour on BBC America.  Problem is, it’s a serialized drama so if you’ve missed past episodes, you’re screwed if you tune in now. But this period (1950s) thriller depicting romance and intrigue among British TV-news pioneers is smart and entertaining.

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More Words and Phrases That Really Need to Go:

Oftentimes — What, you can’t just say “often”?

Showrunner — A pernicious new way of saying “producer.”

Les Miz — Listen up, Broadway Biff.  Not everyone is a theater fanatic.  Call it what Victor Hugo called it:  Les Miserables.

Presser (press conference) — Dammit, not all of us are news junkies.

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Arrogant Quotes of the Week:

“I don’t want to be doing a Topaz or a Buddy Buddy.” — Quentin Tarantino, contemplating retirement and disparaging the later works of legendary directors Alfred Hitchcock and Billy Wilder.  Someone should remind this foot-loving weirdo that Hitchcock made the classic Frenzy when he was 72.

“There’s people smoking right now.  No smoking!  If you love me, then don’t smoke. You’re looking right at me and smoking cigarettes, like I’m a stupid fucking idiot.” — Moral authority Madonna lecturing her smoking fans, in the great outdoors, at Chile’s National Stadium.

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Yes, what happened in Connecticut was tragic, and yes, it was horrifying.  However …

1)  The media needs to ease up.  If this shooting had occurred in, say, inner-city Detroit, we’d already be back to non-stop coverage of the “fiscal cliff.”  But Newtown, Connecticut fits the demographic that Big Media loves:  white, affluent, and privileged.

2)  For years, we were told how powerful this Washington lobby was, and how difficult it would be for politicians to defy this special-interest group and pass legislation against its wishes.  I am referring, of course, to the tobacco lobby.  Please tell me, again, why everyone is so afraid of the NRA.

3)  The media insists on painting heroes and villains.  A kid can’t be mentally ill; he must be “evil.”  A dead woman can’t be a victim; she must be a “hero.”  I am sure there were some heroes in Newtown, and the shooter might or might not have been “evil,” but I wasn’t on the scene — and neither was the media.

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There is just … something about John Kerry’s chin.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Awful Music from South of the Border

God bless American music.  I was reminded of this not once, but twice this week.

Mexican-American singer Jenni Rivera was killed in a plane crash.  I’d never heard of her, but TV news made sure that I heard plenty of her music.  It sounded like most Mexican music:  like time-traveling to 1955 Nebraska and listening to Uncle Slim’s barnyard polka band.

This Korean dude, PSY (above), apologized profusely for making inflammatory remarks about America — ten years ago. Gee, you don’t suppose that this nitwit, who skyrocketed to fame with a silly YouTube video, sensed that his big shot at American super-bucks was slipping away, do you?

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Wolf Blitzer:  “Piers Morgan had the three amigos for a taping here in Washington.”

Joe Lieberman:  “On this one, we were going to prove that the three amigos can disagree and still be amigos.”

What is this “three amigos” crap?  Do CNN and Lieberman think that Lieberman, John McCain and Lindsey Graham are some sort of boy band?  Or worse, movie superheroes?  You aren’t fooling anyone.  We know what you are:  three wealthy, self-satisfied, old guys in Congress.

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“We have new information now about why Nelson Mandela is in the hospital.” — Scott Pelley on CBS.  Mandela is 94.  It would be news if he wasn’t in the hospital.

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Quentin Tarantino has a new movie coming out.  Tarantino is the Moe Howard of film directors.  What he does, he does well.  But what he does is stupid.

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Bill O’Reilly continues to churn out historical bestsellers, but I have no desire to read them.  If I’m going to learn about Lincoln or Kennedy, I’ll read a book written by an actual scholar, not some clownish blowhard on Fox News.

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Conservative fat cats have migrated to O’Reilly’s show for a collective crying jag, reacting like petulant babies because they might be asked to contribute their fair share of taxes.  These guys always mention how much in taxes the rich already pay, but they never mention how much of the country’s wealth they possess.

“I’m a guy out here thinking, wow, this is the first time in my 59 years I’ve got a president who I believe actively dislikes people like me.” — Dennis Miller, above, who just wants to be liked, gosh darn it.

“We should stop saying ‘tax the rich’ and say ‘tax the successful,’ because I’m not rich, I’m successful.” — Adam Carolla, above.  Yes, and those Wall Street bankers who screwed over investors and the nation a few years ago were also “successful.”  But millionaire tax cheats are hard to catch; it’s much easier to blow a fuse over some deadbeat dad in Des Moines, right Adam?

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“If you’d shut up for just a second, I would try–“ — Ditzy Texas Rep. Eddie Bernice Johnson, just before being interrupted by Fox fat boy Neil Cavuto.

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This is an official still from the upcoming movie, RED 2, starring Bruce Willis, Mary-Louise Parker, and John Malkovich.  It begs the question … what in the hell is wrong with Malkovich’s legs???

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 The Miss Bum Bum 2012 Winner!

See bottom(s).

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Vogue editor and big-time Obama contributor Anna Wintour is reportedly on the short list for a cushy ambassadorship.  The Five’s Bob Beckel has no problem with that:  “This is nothing new.  They give it to big contributors.  Every administration does it.”

CNN’s Erin Burnett had a different take:  “Should this be the way it is?  There are so many career diplomats who do work overseas, wonderful work, and maybe it’s time for us to decide what we think an ambassador really should be.”

I’m with Burnett.  If Anna Wintour wants so badly to be a diplomat, let’s make her our next ambassador to Libya.

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What’s with all of these image-polishing TV spots from BP?  Shouldn’t the British oil giant be spending that advertising money on gulf cleanup and legal settlements?

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Sign that you are in denial over the aging process:

You are thrilled to hear that the world’s oldest woman (Besse Cooper, below) finally kicked the bucket.  You are not happy that she died, you are happy because she was 116.  Since you are not yet 58, that means you are not yet middle-aged.  Right?

Sign that you are well into middle age:

You create a blog that consists of personal gripes.  Like this one.

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I have no idea if software honcho-turned-fugitive John McAfee is guilty of any crimes, but I do know he is high on my list of annoying jerks.

Here is McAfee, 67, speaking to his impressionable, 20-year-old “girlfriend” as the media swarmed them in Guatemala last week:  “You’ve never seen this before, have you?  This is my life in America, sweetie, so you’ll see that I am quite comfortable with this.”

This is your life in America?  Please.  Until recently, outside of the business world no one had heard of you in America.  On the other hand, I was familiar with your namesake product.  Last year, I inadvertently downloaded McAfee software — and my computer was promptly infected with bugs.

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The world held its breath last month, anxiously awaiting the results of the U.S. presidential election.  Balderdash.  Most of us were holding our breath this month, anxiously awaiting the results of Brazil’s Miss Bum Bum 2012 contest.

Here is a picture of this year’s winner, Carine Felizardo, courtesy of The Huffington Post.  I think we can all agree that she has a lovely smile.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

The Onion crowned North Korea’s Kim Jong-un, above, as the “sexiest man alive,” and a Chinese newspaper fell for it.  Ha ha.  But you know what?  I’m not so sure that belittling the sex appeal of a dangerous nutball who is itching to show off his country’s nuclear capabilities is a particularly good idea.

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Two and a Half Men star Angus T. Jones (above, with some chick) trashed his own show, urging Americans to stop watching it and branding the sitcom as sinful “filth.”

I watched the show once or twice during the Charlie Sheen hullaballoo, just to see what all the fuss was about.  I didn’t think its major sin was “filth.”  It was crappy writing.

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Two-word terms that I don’t ever want to hear again:  1) fiscal cliff;  2) Lindsay Lohan

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I broke down and watched The Avengers on Blu-ray.  It sure looked pretty.  It sure was stupid.

Director Joss Whedon and company made a ton of money off this drivel, which is fine by me; I can’t begrudge them that.  But what grates is the self-congratulatory nonsense that its cast and crew spew in the video’s extras.  Everyone involved with this movie was “wonderful,” and the film itself is “brilliant.”

Meanwhile, Entertainment Weekly continues its devolution into People magazine, or possibly Out magazine, devoting its cover and 36 pages to “entertainers of the year.”  Sexpot Whedon (below) is photographed ripping open his shirt and is sanctified by actor Nathan Fillion, who informs readers that Whedon’s “vision was deep and expansive, emotional and human.  He knew every possible angle of the world….  That’s why he was so perfect for The Avengers.”

Silly me.  I thought The Avengers was just an expensive comic-book movie.

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I’m not too crazy about the marketing practice in which Web sites track our online surfing in order to customize our likes and dislikes.  Marketers at The Huffington Post have determined that I am a likely fan of this story:

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 Poopyheads

“The president was … elected on the basis that he was not Romney and Romney was a poopyhead and you should vote against Romney.”

I tried to find a picture of a real poopyhead to go along with this Grover Norquist quote, but I am not sure what a genuine poopyhead looks like.  I suspect it looks a lot like Grover Norquist, so here is a picture of him.

“Tractor Supply [Company], that’s not a real thing, right?” — precious poopyhead Toure (below) on The Cycle last week, proving that privileged, clueless liberals are alive and well in TV punditry-land.

Jonathan Alter — dude, you’re not fooling anyone with that pathetic comb-over.  We can tell that you are a bald poopyhead.

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The Grouch finally caved and bought his first flat-screen, high-definition TV, along with a Blu-ray player.  His first impression?  The clearest, most striking images are all in the commercials.

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Shows that the media love but hardly any real people watch:  The Colbert Report and Girls.  Below, Gawker’s comparison of Girls and Veep, which is another new series on HBO.

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During Obama’s visit to Staten Island last week, I noticed Chris Christie standing in the president’s entourage.  Turns out it wasn’t Chris Christie.  It was Janet Napolitano, above left with her back to the camera.  My apologies to … somebody.

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