The Grouchy Editor

No, it’s not “Shark Week.”  Or maybe it is.  See below.

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John Kerry (above) got in trouble for puttering aboard his yacht while Egypt burned.  That’s not what bothers me.  What bothers me is that Democrats are supposedly the party of environmentalism, and I’m curious about how much gas Kerry’s yacht guzzles, not to mention how much energy he and Teresa burn up in their mansions.

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When early reviews gush that a movie is “fantastic,” “groundbreaking,” or “the best film of the year!,” it rarely is.  An example is 2010’s Inception, which fan boys and bloggers hailed as the next Citizen Kane.  It wasn’t.

On the other hand, there are movies like The Raven, a flick that bombed and was universally trashed by critics.   I saw it the other night and yes, it was silly and certainly no Oscar bait for John Cusack, who was oddly cast as Edgar Allan Poe (above), but it was a perfectly entertaining way to spend two hours.

In related news, although it’s not really related and it’s not really news, I am ashamed to admit that I missed the world premiere of SyFy’s instant classic,  Sharknado (pictures at top and bottom).   Luckily for me, there are always repeats.

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Country music’s Zac Brown, above left, and Duck Dynasty’s Willie Robertson, above right.  How is this not the same person?

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“I think they ought to make him a cop in Nigeria.” — Bob Beckel (above) on The Five, speculating about George Zimmerman’s future.

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Local news station KTVU is taking heat for inadvertently broadcasting the “names” of the pilots of that ill-fated plane in San Francisco.  OK, I suppose it was a racist and insensitive prank, but it’s also funny as hell.

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No Politics Edition …

… because sometimes, you just get sick of it.

Showtime’s new series Ray Donovan is underwhelming.  On the other hand, Jon Voight, above, makes one hell of a villain.

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Quote of the Week:

“What’s nine times three?” — houseguest Aaryn Gries, above left and right, in the blue bikini-bottom, asking a perfectly legitimate question and putting to rest the myth of the “dumb blonde” on CBS’s Big Brother.

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The Huffington Post, New York Post, and other pillars of journalism report that a bar in New York is hosting “the smallest penis in Brooklyn” contest.  Journalist Misty the Size Vixen was also on top of the story, and is apparently quite enamored of the phrase “small penis”:

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CNN’s Rachel Nichols interviewed the Miami Heat’s LeBron James and then had this nauseating exchange with Brooke Baldwin:

Nichols:  “Brooke, I love that idea, that the most powerful, talented basketball player in the world is just like the rest of us.  That the first time you leave home, you get your shaky little wings out, you kind of test out the world and it teaches you new things …. It is good to be LeBron James right now.  And it turns out he’s just like the rest of us.  Who knew you could say that about LeBron?”

Baldwin:  “‘Just like the rest of us.’  Listen to you, Rachel Nichols.”

No thanks, Brooke.  Next time I see Nichols coming, I will get out my shaky little wings and fly away.

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Attorney Don West, right, exchanges phone numbers with new sweetheart, Rachel Jeantel

“You don’t think that ‘creepy-ass cracker’ is a racial comment?” —  lawyer Don West to witness Rachel Jeantel at the George Zimmerman trial.

Can’t be racial; it’s what I think every time I find a broken Ritz in the box.

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For a computer geek, Ed Snowden is certainly living a glamorous life.  Pole-dancing girlfriends, international intrigue, globe-hopping spies ….

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No matter where you come down on the same-sex marriage ruling by the Supreme Court, there is at least one positive side effect.  Next time you encounter some pompous ass who considers himself (or herself) superior because of a ring on a finger, just ask, “Is your spouse a man or a woman?”  I’m guessing they won’t like that.

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Be Afraid.  Be Naked and Afraid.

Red Eye’s Greg Gutfeld watched Naked and Afraid and expressed disappointment that Discovery Channel “kept showing [the male’s] ass.”  It’s true.  They did keep showing the male’s ass.  In fairness, here is a picture of the female survivalist’s ass.

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Jennifer Lopez got the 2,500th star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame.  This is a major honor.  Here are a few of Jennifer’s fellow luminaries who are memorialized on the walk:

Big Bird, Constance Binney, Rodney Bingenheimer, Leeza Gibbons, Godzilla, Horace Heidt, Shotgun Tom Kelly, Howie Mandel, Wink Martindale, Winnie the Pooh … and too many other giants of arts and entertainment to mention in this space.

Horace Heidt

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Fox’s Judge Jeanine Pirro, outraged over the story of Orlando Shaw, an idiot who fathered 22 children with 14 women, called for chemical castration of Shaw-like deadbeat dads.

I have another solution:  Any deadbeat dad in the grip of sexual arousal could simply look at Judge Jeanine.  End of problem.

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President Obama, faltering in the polls after more revelations about government spying, is basically saying to the public, “Trust me.”

Uh … no thanks.  You have to earn trust, you don’t automatically get it.  This condescending, professor-lecturing-students attitude that Obama affects when he’s in trouble has got to go.

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We won’t be hearing from George Zimmer on Men’s Wearhouse commercials anymore.  I guarantee it.

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Jake Tapper had a question on Wednesday:  “Why are so many mediocre movies getting sequels now?”  Here’s an answer:  Because Hollywood serves two markets these days — unsophisticated teenagers, and foreign audiences where subtitles don’t cut it, but car chases do.

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Got to love The Huffington Post’s comments area, because sometimes you just feel the need to mess with people:

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I keep reading that we are living in “the golden age of television.”  That’s only half true.  I’d say we live in “the age of television.”  Now that there are 10,000 channels and 987,000 shows, there is of course more great TV than ever — and more crap TV, as well.

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The Ed Snowden hullaballoo (that’s Ed’s high school mug, above) reminds us that there is not just one, but two groups of Americans that are relegated to second-class citizenship:  high school dropouts, and smokers. 

After all, we never read about non-smoking college graduates committing crimes … do we?

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My local news channel has been weirding me out.  WCCO has a husband-wife anchor team, Frank and Amelia, but lately the station has been dispatching Frank (above left) on overnight road trips with the weatherman (above right).  The two men then issue reports from resorts and other vacation hot spots as Amelia listens passively back at the anchor desk.

Said the weather dude:  “Amelia, don’t get jealous, but at 10 o’clock I’m gonna take your husband to the Stardust Drive-In.  We’re gonna have a good time there.”

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Annoying Terms that Need to Go:

“indie darling” — sounds like something Eva Gabor might say to Harrison Ford

“an unapologetically raunchy film” — just once, I would love to read about an “apologetically raunchy film” (see this week’s Entertainment Weekly, page 7)

“oftentimes” — what’s a synonym for “often”?  How about “frequently”?  Would you ever say, “frequently times”?  Of course not.  Just say “often,” dammit.

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Star of the Week

The humble ice cube (pictured above).  It’s one of the few things in life that you can make for free, and it rarely disappoints.

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Here’s Looking at You, Kid

They are watching you.

They’re not watching me, because I don’t own or use a cell phone.  I suppose they could be monitoring grouchyeditor.com, but if that were the case, we probably would have noticed something peculiar b

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Conspiracy theorists like Jesse Ventura must be having an “I told you so” week, what with all of the breaking news about government snooping into our phone records, e-mails, and hair appointments.  President Obama says he “welcomes the debate” over all of these sneaky programs, but if that was the case, why didn’t he begin the debate before the spying was leaked?

Meanwhile, Jesse is back, and Jesse is mad as hell.  He is suing the widow of Chris Kyle, whom Jesse feels defamed him in a book, and he is angry at New York’s Michael Bloomberg for comments the mayor made about medical marijuana.

“Mayor Bloomberg can kiss my ass.” — Ventura on Joy Behar’s show

Bill O’Reilly heard about the defamation lawsuit and took an interest in Jesse’s manhood:

“I feel that if he [Ventura] really wants to be a man, he drops the case.  If he really wants to be a man, you know?”

No word on what the Nanny Mayor thinks about all of this.

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In yet more girlie-man news, Michael Douglas announced that cunnilingus gave him cancer.  So, I guess now we know why Michael chose to explore the gay lifestyle in his recent role as Liberace.

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During tornado coverage Friday, an Oklahoma storm chaser reported that a mobile-home park had been “consumed” by a twister.  I ain’t no psychologist, but it seems to me that if you are at all inclined to off yourself, your best bet would be to live in a mobile-home park in Oklahoma.

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Schadenfreude

Two types of reality TV seem to be thriving:  shows set in Alaska, and shows set in the swamps.  I believe these shows are successful because, as a species, we enjoy watching other humans suffer.  We seem to really, really enjoy watching people freeze their asses off in Alaska, and we seem to really, really enjoy watching toothless rednecks in Louisiana.

My suggestion for a new kind of reality show:  Toto, the story of a doomed mutt and his stupid owners, all of whom live in a double-wide in Enid, Oklahoma.

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The Bridge

Upcoming shows that intrigue:

Broadchurch (August 7 on BBC America).  Two detectives investigate the murder of a young boy in a British seaside town.  Sounds like a routine cop show but, given the appeal of BBC America’s recent Orphan Black, I’m giving it the benefit of the doubt.

The Bridge (July 10 on FX).  The last time a basic-cable channel redid a European crime drama, it was AMC with The Killing.  I’m guessing that, like most American remakes, this will be inferior to Scandinavia’s Bron, but hey, you never know.

Through the Wormhole (June 5 on Science).  When I was in high school, I would often fall asleep during movies in science class.  I plan on watching the season premiere of Wormhole just to see if Morgan Freeman falls asleep during his hosting duties.

Big Brother (June 26 on CBS).  It’s summer, and you’ve just watched Morgan Freeman explain the origin of the universe.  Big Brother will make you question the point of the universe.

Upcoming show that I fully expect will suck:

Under the Dome (June 24 on CBS).  It’s based on a Stephen King novel.  Back in the ’70s and ’80s, that was sometimes a good thing.  Today, it’s usually the kiss of death.

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You know Obama’s in the media doghouse when you start to see pictures like this:

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“Hello, friends.  I realize that many of you are disappointed with our system of justice today, and you might have lost some faith in the way things ought to work.  But let’s look on the bright side, shall we?  The jury’s non-decision decision today means that this young woman, Jodi Arias, still has a small chance to make a decent life for herself.  And I, for one, wish her all the best.” — Nancy Grace

Just kidding.

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It’s a “New Day”

CNN is struggling in the ratings, and I think I know why:  CNN has been paying attention to what viewers say they want.  Big mistake.

When the public is polled about news media, it gets all high-minded and carps about “too many negative stories.”  CNN responds by airing a procession of “hero” specials … and the public yawns and flips to E! to see what the Kardashians are up to.

The public says it wants less political partisanship in the media.  CNN responds by showcasing nice-but-bland Anderson Cooper and grandfatherly Wolf Blitzer … and the public flips to Fox News to watch Bill O’Reilly burst an artery over those damned liberals.

I have more bad news for CNN.  I’m no advertising expert, but aren’t viewers supposed to associate products with, oh, I don’t know, something pleasant?  CNN is running an ad for its upcoming New Day that opens with the most grating sound imaginable — a metallic, buzz saw-like alarm clock that shrieks at us and reminds us of a thousand miserable mornings.

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Dr. Drew Pinsky, above, got all excited about the Jodi Arias non-verdict verdict and began to struggle with the English language.

Dr. Drew:  “So, during the break, you can knock some sex into me.”

And later …

Dr. Drew:  “He was friends with both Travis and Jodi.  Aaron Doody — Dewey — joins us with his thoughts on today’s verdict.”

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They are still looking for a few good proofreaders at The Huffington Post.

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Scandal Update:

Eric Holder needs to go, and he needs to go yesterday.

But before they get too excited at Fox News, bubble-headed bimbo Andrea Tantaros (above) of The Five, who said this — “A lot of people voted for [Obama].  And if you see any of those people today, do me a favor and punch them in the face.” — also needs to go, and she needs to go the day before yesterday.  (She can, however, leave her legs behind.)

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Time will tell which of the issues assailing President Obama are genuine “scandals,” and which are much ado about nothing, but for my money the story that seems to be generating the least public outrage — Justice Department spying on AP journalists — is the most serious.  Obama is saying, in essence, that because he can’t control leaks in his own administration, it’s OK to pretty much destroy an entire news organization.  So much for that media “love affair” with the president.

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Mayors Just Wanna Have Fun!

Hi!  I’m Rob and I’m the mayor of Toronto.  Some people say there is a video that shows me smoking crack with drug dealers.  Do I look like I’d do something like that?

Hi, I’m Jerry, and I was the mayor of Jersey City.  Some time ago, some pesky Hispanic girls yanked off my towel at three o’clock in the morning, and then some jerk took this picture of me.  Do you, too, have problems with pesky Hispanic girls?

Hi, I’m Anthony, and I’d love to be the next mayor of New York City.  If you’d like to be on my mailing list, just send me your e-mail address, and I’ll see what I can do!

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Competing media jumped all over the New York Post when it published a front-page picture of two “bag men” who turned out to have nothing to do with the Boston bombings.  Last week, that same media — all of them — splashed front-page mug shots of Ariel Castro’s brothers, who police say had nothing to do with the Cleveland kidnappings.

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Meet Sean, 37, a handsome former lieutenant in the U.S. Navy who could be the man of your dreams!  Sean is looking for a few good women … and the police are looking for Sean!

Sean!

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Hi, I’m Fred and I work for BP.  Sure, we might have fouled the Gulf of Mexico, but we’re spending millions to make sure our commercials look really pretty for you!

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Hi, I’m Bob.  One of my satisfied customers is named O.J.  I helped him make a killing, now let me help you!

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Hi, I’m Natalie.  As a parent, I’m concerned about what my children see on TV. As a viewer, you should be concerned about what my nasal, annoying voice is doing to you!

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Who needs those damn vampire movies when we have CBS’ Survivor?

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And you thought the wigs worn by spies on The Americans were ridiculous?

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This ad popped up on my home page.  Please, folks, do not assume that this man represents a typical Minnesotan.  I beg it of you.

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Video of the Week:

Charles Ramsey showing his dishwashing paycheck to CNN’s Anderson Cooper, who was born with a very clean silver spoon in his mouth.

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Quote of the Week:

“I’ve been on a remarkable personal journey.” — South Carolina’s Mark Sanford.

That’s funny, because we thought you just got horny and cheated on your wife.

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“Why are we so obsessed with this case?” — Piers Morgan on Wednesday, voicing the same dumb question that journalists ask every time there’s a sensational trial.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the Jodi Arias trial had sex, religion, and violence.  But I think another reason we tune in is because it’s a great opportunity to watch people lie under oath.  That means we get to exercise our bullshit detectors.

Arias, for example, whom everyone describes as a great liar, seems to have been anything but, because she kept getting busted.  A better liar was “good boy” Travis Alexander, the Mormon motivational speaker who had lots of people fooled about his kinky sex life.  And then there was the procession of expert witnesses, some of whom were either very stupid or expert liars.

My favorite liar is HLN’s Nancy Grace (above), who is always out for blood and yet ready at a moment’s notice to shed crocodile tears for victims’ families.  I wouldn’t be surprised if Arias chose a Fox News affiliate for her post-conviction interview as one final “fuck you” to HLN and Grace.

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Pretty amusing to watch Bill O’Reilly and his pals continue to fume over the public’s lack of interest in the Benghazi incident.  Bill can’t seem to grasp that many of us are still waiting to see someone punished for the lies and cover-ups that led us into Iraq.  Thousands died in Iraq; four died in Benghazi.  Understand, Bill?

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We saw live footage of astronauts doing a spacewalk at the International Space Station.  The video was grainy and choppy, like what you see on local news when robbers invade your neighborhood convenience store.

I will never understand how we can land robots on Mars and propel capsules beyond the solar system, yet these spacewalk videos still look like something your Uncle Stan shot at Sally June’s birthday party.

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