The Grouchy Editor

      

      

     

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The Atlanta freeway fiasco reminded me of the movie Falling Down, in which Michael Douglas did not react well to traffic jams.

 

 

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Is it possible to feel sorry for a television network?  I am beginning to pity poor Starz, which keeps churning out dull-as-dishwater series in a fruitless attempt to follow the examples of HBO, AMC, FX, et al.  I tried to watch … (zzzzzzzzz) … Starz’s new pirate show, Black Sails and … (zzzzzz) … I’m sorry – what was I saying?

 

 

 

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Something called Esquire Network aired the Bill Murray comedy Groundhog Day at 7, 9, and 11 p.m. on Thursday.  Someone in the Esquire Network programming department deserves a raise.

 

 

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Helen Mirren got lots of press for “twerking” at the Harvard Hasty Pudding awards. But this is old news.  Here is Helen twerking with Malcolm McDowell in 1979’s Caligula.

 

        

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                             Here it …     comes!

                        

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                                           TV Update

It’s the dog days of (new) TV, but there are a few bright spots.

True Detective:  I’ve only seen the first episode, but there is good news:  Woody Harrelson, who is equally adept at playing good guys and bad guys, is a folksy good guy in this … or is he?  Matthew McConaughey, an actor who strikes me as insufferably arrogant in many of his films, is low-key and intriguing here as an eccentric cop … or is he?  (HBO)  Grade:  Too early to say.

Lilyhammer:   From a review in the New York Times:  “So how is Lilyhammer?  Odd mostly.”  It is odd, a peculiar mix of slapstick, culture-clash humor and, occasionally, graphic violence.  But Steven van Zandt is endlessly watchable as the Mafia’s answer to Archie Bunker, and the supporting cast of Norwegian bumblers is priceless.   Another plus:  The scenery is spectacular.  (Netflix)  Grade:  B+

Welcome to Myrtle Manor:   I quit watching Honey Boo Boo last year when the hillbilly novelty wore off.  I have no idea why the same thing hasn’t happened to me (yet) with the cast of trailer trash on Myrtle Manor.  (TLC)  Grade:  No grade – everyone dropped out of school.

Downton Abbey:  Fans are complaining (“outraged,” according to The Huffington Post) about the rape of their beloved “Anna.”  Fans are ridiculous.  This is a melodrama; thus, melodramatic things happen.  Would those “outraged” fans prefer that the major conflict on DA revolve around the mystery of who spilled tea on the library carpet?  (PBS)  Grade:  B+

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I’m old enough to remember both Gilligan’s Island and The Partridge Family when they originally aired.  They were considered junk TV when they aired, mostly because they were – and are – junk TV.  But thanks to nostalgia, it’s now big news when Reuben and the Professor die.

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I suppose we could make a Humpty Dump- … er, Chris Christie joke here, but this is a classy Web site, so we won’t.

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 Bullshit Artist of the Week:  Joy Galicki

Jake Tapper:  Joy, what exactly are you suing for?  How much money?

Joy Galicki:  This … is not a money thing.  It’s the fact that I physically got sick over this, is what bothers me the most, and I’m very skittish to go over the George Washington Bridge, which I have to do on a daily basis.

Poor Joy, pictured above (left) with her lawyer – who appears to be having trouble keeping a straight face – was traumatized by being stuck in traffic during the New Jersey lanes closing.  Nice to know that, should her class-action lawsuit succeed, the taxpayers will help make Joy feel less “skittish.”

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I woke up Monday morning and saw this on my computer:

I went straight back to bed.  Wouldn’t you?

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Steven Seagal is contemplating a gubernatorial run in Arizona.  If  I’m his opponent, I’m certain to use this picture of Steven “reaching out” to a young constituent.

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I’ve studied this controversial Christmas card featuring the Romneys and their grandchildren, but I fail to see what all the fuss is about.

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Amazon’s new Kindle Fire tablet piqued my interest, so I checked out some customer reviews.

I’d say that’s a five-star review to end all five-star reviews.

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I don’t understand what ails CNN.  Cooking shows, travelogues, penguin documentaries … everything but actual news.  And I used to think that MSNBC was bad with its non-stop airing of prison shows.

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Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin announced that he will combat rumors that he has a small penis by competing in 50 events at the upcoming Winter Olympics.  Putin, above left with Russian President Dmitry Medvedev, vowed to win gold in all 50 events.

World-renowned for his manliness, Putin last competed in a sporting event in 2006, when he exhibited great skill at the “Kiss Small Boy on the Belly Games” (below).

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                                        Holiday Cheer

In case you’re sick of the bland, sweet crap that dominates TV this month, here is an entertaining antidote from director Bob Clark, the same man who gave the world A Christmas Story.  Black Christmas will make you feel all warm and fuzzy – if by “warm and fuzzy” you mean pissing your pants and raising goose bumps.

This 1974 horror classic is the anti-Christmas Story.  But don’t mistakenly rent the insipid, 2006 remake.  And don’t watch it if you live in a house with an attic.

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What the hell is a “Dylan Sprouse”?  Apparently, now even Opie from Mayberry has leaked nude photos.

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Terrific.  Now I’ll be able to make the same dumb mistakes, over and over and over again.

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I’ve never seen an entire episode of Duck Dynasty, so I did some research when all hell broke loose over star Phil Robertson’s controversial interview.  Here is what Rachel Maddow had to say last month after airing a Duck clip on her show:

“That is from the reality TV show Duck Dynasty.  I saw that one.  It’s really good.

“If you haven’t watched it, you owe it to yourself to watch it just so you understand your country, in the sense that you need to understand what everybody else is watching.  Duck Dynasty is a phenomenon like no other on the TV machine in America.

“Duck Dynasty is bigger than The Beatles right now.  It is bigger against anything on TV.  Some nights it’s up against American Idol which is on network TV, and everybody gets that for free. Duck Dynasty is on cable, but Duck Dynasty beats American Idol.”

From that, I take it that Rachel is a fan of Duck Dynasty.  I would imagine that she admires the Robertson family’s stand on gay rights.

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Asshole of the Week:

Fox News commentator John Bolton wants to see Edward Snowden hanging from a tree.  Some of us would like to see John Bolton hanging from a tree — preferably by his stupid mustache.

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 Tomato Terror Alert  

In my ongoing quest to ensure that folks enjoy the holiday season, I hereby issue an alert to avoid the following movies, both of which can be found on Netflix.

Berberian Sound Studio (2012)   If you visit the Rotten Tomatoes Web site, you will learn that 83 percent of professional critics give this pretentious piece of junk a thumbs’ up.  Some quotes:  “A work of art.”  “Utterly entrancing.”  “Altogether transfixing.”

If you make the mistake of believing these idiots and watch the movie, what you’ll get is a lot of close-ups of actor Toby Jones (below), who is described in his Tomatoes bio as “a man with a peculiar face and small stature.”  There are also many close-ups of vegetables being squashed.

One critic got it right when he said, “[It’s] a movie that may whisper dark secrets into your ears at night, when you’re trying to forget it.”  I’m still trying to forget it.

Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead (2011)   This is a good example of why some people watch only American movies.  There is no polite way to say this:  The Japanese are bat-shit crazy.

Like Berberian Sound Studio, Zombie Ass (above and below) features lots of close-ups.  Close-ups of female rear ends.  Close-ups of female rear ends farting.  And doing worse.  Much worse.  Merry Christmas.

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Year in Review

Hoping to improve his relations with Congress, President Barack Obama last week named South African interpreter Thamsanqa Jantjie, above left, as “Special Liaison to John Boehner.”  Boehner, on vacation in Tahiti, could not be reached for comment.

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In October, political observers were surprised when Congress voted to reduce its yearly workload.  Beginning in 2014, Senate and House members will be in session just eight days per year.  Congressmen, including New York’s Charles Rangel, above, were on holiday break and could not be reached for comment.

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In a bid to accommodate passengers who do not wish to be annoyed, the FAA announced that it will ban passengers from all flights, effective next year.  “Much as cell phones and second-hand smoke annoy others, so do people annoy other people,” FAA spokesman Larry Peecee said.   Members of Congress, most of whom own private planes that would be exempt from the new rules, could not be reached for comment.

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Veteran CNN reporter Dana Bash, following her hard-hitting report on the “alpha house” shared by Congressmen Chuck Schumer, Dick Durbin and George Miller, announced that she will be moving into the house.  “Some people have accused me of ‘getting into bed’ with Democrats,” Bash said.  “Well, now I really will.” 

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Under pressure from the nation’s wealthy citizens, the American Psychiatric Association in December added “affluenza” to its list of recognized diseases.  People who suffer from affluenza, defined by psychologist G. Dick Miller as a condition in which “wealth [buys] privilege and there is no rational link between behavior and consequences,” will be able to avoid prison sentences and will no longer pay taxes.  Affluenzers will also be allowed to smoke and use cell phones on airplanes, although they will not be allowed to board airplanes.

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Quote of the Week:

“This is the outcome that the Obama administration in the end, in the end ended up with.” — Fouad Ajami, speaking words of wisdom to Wolf Blitzer on Thursday.

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Mandel, R.I.P.

We here at Grouchyeditor join the rest of the media in expressing heartfelt sadness at the passing of Howie Mandel.  Although we never actually watched Deal or No Deal, and we have yet to see an episode of  America’s Got Talent, because it sounds awful, we do understand that Howie was on those shows.

Media reports inform us that Mandel, who suffered from mysophobia, was 95.  We assume that his remains will be hermetically sealed.

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Women’s Health magazine has declared that actress Evangeline Lilly is the proud owner of the “Best.  Butt.  Ever.”  Because we are always intrigued by butt journalism, we went looking for corroboration.  We found this:

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Lots of media hype over the upcoming movie, Anchorman 2.  News anchors already love this movie, and they all seem to believe that they are in on the movie’s joke.  Hate to break it to you, anchors, but you are the joke.

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Quote of the Week:

“I gotta put it right in my crotch, where nobody will suspect a bulge.” —  Survivor contestant Tyson, who either has a very high opinion of himself or a very low one, on hiding an “immunity idol” in his shorts.

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You simply cannot convince me that Vikings owner Zygi Wilf, pictured here breaking ground for his new playpen in Minneapolis, is not, in reality, Snidely Whiplash.

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