The Grouchy Editor

In a surprising break from tradition, the White House this week announced that First Daughters Sasha and Malia Obama will oversee the Office of Diplomatic Protocol.  The announcement comes just days after the girls charmed members of the media and the public at the presidential turkey pardon (below).

 Sasha, left, and Malia add sparkle to the president’s turkey “pardon”

Reached for comment on Saturday, Malia raised an eyebrow at a reporter and said, “As if.”  Sister Sasha was overheard snorting in the background.

 Insiders say the Obama girls inherited their bubbly optimism from mother and grandmother

 Sasha and Malia enjoying their time in the spotlight

First Family watchers say that Sasha, especially, displays infectious enthusiasm

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 Jessica Alba

Hollywood actress Jessica Alba shocked fans this week when she posted this selfie on Twitter.  Alba told followers she “got a chemical peel to look more sexier.”

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Not sure if this is The Huffington Post trying to make a funny, or if they are simply still in need of a proofreader.

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The only person in America who’s happy about events in Ferguson — because it takes the media spotlight off of him:

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Quote of the Week:

“He asked to do things I wasn’t going to do.  He is ugly, old and disgusting.  I tied him up.  I took his money and left.  He was starting to creep me out.” – 17-year-old Shaina Foster, who along with her twin sister Shalaine tied up and robbed 84-year-old Paul Aronson during a “date.”

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Didn’t the same thing happen to her with Matt Lauer on The Today Show?

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                     Jonathan Gruber                                                                        Hans Gruber

We’ve met the most villainous Gruber since Die Hard.  At least Hans wasn’t stupid.

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Illegal immigration.  Bill Cosby.  The weather.

I thought I might write about one or more of those subjects this week.

I decided that no, I would not do that.  Instead, this feels like an excellent week to emulate the ostrich:

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I feel like we’re living in that old Twilight Zone episode called “The Midnight Sun.” In the show, New York residents swelter as the Earth falls into the Sun.  Not to worry – it’s only a dream.  But wait … in reality, the Earth is hurtling away from the Sun, and everyone will freeze.

In Minnesota, we froze our buns off last winter.  This winter is threatening to be worse.  And yet scientists tell us that we are experiencing global warming.  Where’s Rod Serling when you need him?

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I had a routine check-up this week, and at one point my doctor began to pull on the rubber gloves.  He said he “would be happy” to conduct a rectal exam.

On my way out of the clinic, I stopped at the nurses’ desk and told them about my doctor’s comment and how I failed to see how a rectal exam could make anyone “happy.”  Is this why young people go to medical school?

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TV Update

BBC America’s The Game, about spies fighting the Cold War in 1970s Britain, has a been-there-done-that feel about it, and the hero (Tom Hughes) looks like a 12-year-old, but it’s a fairly engrossing thriller.    Grade:  B

Starz continues its crusade to stop being Starz by airing its second quality series (the other is Outlander) with The Missing.  It’s another missing-child drama, but a smart script, good acting, and its location (set in France, filmed in Belgium) make it feel fresh.    Grade:  B+

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Race in America

There is good news and good news.

The good news for black Americans is that the country proved – twice – that it was willing to elect an African-American president.

The good news for white Americans is that Obama seems hell-bent on proving that black presidents can be just as bad as white presidents.

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Jerry Jones, owner of the Dallas Tits, congratulates Washington owner Dan Snyder

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I’ve been reading about “vocal fry,” something apparently inspired by Kim Kardashian in which the female voice trails off into a sort of whine/growl at the end of sentences.  You know who else has “vocal fry”?  Bill O’Reilly.

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American Horror Story lost me last year with its Sabrina the Teenage Witch storyline, but I’m back this season for the Freak Show.  This is a wildly imaginative show – not always coherent, but wildly imaginative.

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OK, maybe Rush Limbaugh is the scourge of humanity, but funny is funny, and I give him credit for this line regarding the actress who was catcalled while walking the streets of New York:  “I love the women’s movement, especially when walking behind it.”

On the other hand, some people are defending the boorish behavior of those catcalling dudes, claiming that many of their comments were simply polite greetings.  Hogwash.  How many of these guys would issue “polite greetings” to a middle-aged man walking down the street, or an elderly woman?  Nah … every one of those comments was a come-on.

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The Huffington Post giggled over a typo in The New York Times.

I giggled over typos in The Huffington Post:

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Always on the lookout for the best and brightest journalists and political pundits, Fox News has been showcasing its latest find, the stimulating actress Stacey Dash.

Dash has been showing up everywhere on Fox, including appearances on Outnumbered, Red Eye and The O’Reilly Factor.  

Bill O’Reilly conducted a hard-hitting interview in which we learned that Dash had a difficult childhood.  Rumor has it that Dash might replace veteran pundit Charles Krauthammer as O’Reilly’s go-to-gal on issues of concern to conservatives.

Dash, best known for her riveting performance in the soft-core movie Illegal in Blue, is also known for pictures.

Dash lends her expertise to the hosts of Outnumbered

Dash’s pop-up, er, breakout performance in Illegal in Blue

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Ebola!

Italians take to the streets after rumors spread that two nurses had been spotted in a park

President Obama and Thomas R. Frieden of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention today urged public panic in the wake of fears over the spread of the deadly disease Ebola.

“This is not West Africa,” Frieden said.  “My family and I have been tearing the hair out of our heads over this thing, and I suggest that you do so, as well.”

“Everybody run!” said Obama, when asked for comment on his way to a fundraiser in California.

Wall Street workers heed Obama’s advice

Fear spreads in Japan

Meanwhile, The Huffington Post ignores its own front page:

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In more important matters, Survivor’s Baylor shows us her butt.

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“I think Bill Maher’s good for America.  Let me tell you why … he’s willing to speak the truth when so many others in the media are scared to death.” – Fox’s Sean Hannity on Tuesday, causing me to crap my pants.

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“It’s as if in World War II we didn’t call the Nazis ‘Nazis’ because we were afraid to offend them.  You call the enemy by their name.  You call everything by its true name, otherwise it’s pure Orwell.” – Lt. Colonel Ralph Peters (the one with the castrato voice) on “terrorism” vs. “workplace violence.”

This from a guy whose military comes up with terms like “collateral damage,” “degrading the enemy,” and “friendly fire”?

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These endless wars in the Middle East are too depressing to dwell on.  We’ve been told, for years now, that we have Middle Eastern “allies,” yet these comrades-in-arms either dislike us or are spectacularly incompetent.

Seems like Obama has two options:  A)  Get the hell out of the Middle East altogether (sorry, Israel, but this is your problem), or B) do a much, much better job of explaining to the public just exactly why we must be there.  I’m not holding my breath for either scenario.  Congress doesn’t seem to care, so why should we?

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I keep reading that women do not care for penis pictures.  Then why are women so happy to see Ben Affleck’s penis?

… and JLaw picks a strange way to gripe about her leaked nudies:

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“Just trust us”

— the “infallible” U.S. medical system, before releasing an Ebola-infected man into the streets

— the Secret Service, to Barack Obama

— Congress, before taking yet another vacation while the world goes to hell

— Google, before spreading your private, nude photos all over the Internet

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Why is this not surprising?

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Hey Leo, if you want me to reduce my carbon footprint, how about you stop leaving such a giant one, yourself?

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Lots of happy people this week.  The media are happy because just talking about war isn’t nearly as exciting as actually waging it.  The defense industry is happy because the big bucks will once again roll in.  Conservatives are happy because Obama finally grasped the fact that he was elected, twice, not to do the bidding of the people who voted for him, but to do the bidding of the people who voted against him.

Amazing how quickly we all stopped asking, “Should we bomb in Syria?” and leaped to “Who wants to join us?”  Congress is home taking a nap, the media has a war woody, and the populace is afraid it will get its head chopped off while sleeping in bed.

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I finally figured out the meaning behind the title of the FX series, The Bridge.  Apparently, several characters have severe dental issues and must wear a bridge.  I realized this when I noticed that Hank never moves his lips when he speaks, and neither does Mumble Mouth Linder (above), who is more incomprehensible than a drunken Tom Brokaw.

I am upset with FX because the network provides subtitles for all of the show’s Spanish speakers, but none for Hank and none for Mumble Mouth Linder.

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