The Grouchy Editor

What We’re Hating This Week:

William Shatner hate:  Shatner drew the ire of Star Trek fans for failing to attend Leonard Nimoy’s funeral.  Screw the trekkies; I’m on Bill’s side.  Isn’t it possible that, like Klingons and tribbles, their ballyhooed “friendship” was a fiction?

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Saturday Night Live hate:  Some viewers were offended by an SNL spoof of girls running off to join ISIS.  Screw those viewers; I’m on SNL’s side.  The show finally did a skit that made me laugh out loud, and people are complaining?

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Jodi Arias hate:  If we’re going to put black men to death on a regular basis, we ought to be able to put an attractive white woman to death — at least once in awhile.  That is, if we’re going to put anyone to death.  Silver lining:  Nancy Grace is upset with the hung jury, and it’s always fun to see Nancy Grace upset.

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Sheryl Sandberg hate:  Facebook’s Sandberg was on Fox advocating for men sharing more household and childrearing chores.

“On the home front, couples that share responsibility 50-50 are happier, lower divorce, more sex,” said Sandberg.  Sounds good.  But then she cited an example of a man on board with her campaign:  “We got LeBron James with a sign [that reads] ‘All-Star Dad.’”

Great example, because we all know that LeBron James does 50 percent of the childrearing and household chores in his home.

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Greg Gutfeld, right, holds court on his final Red Eye

Good Greg, Bad Greg

Fox News court jester Greg Gutfeld hosted his final Red Eye on Friday, which leaves me with mixed emotions.

There is Good Greg, and there is Bad Greg.  Good Greg most often showed up on Red Eye.  Bad Greg materializes on other Fox programming, most notably The Five.

Gutfeld shined on Red Eye because he is quick-witted, creative, and wields a warped sense of humor.  No one took him seriously on Red Eye – including and especially himself.  The result was a talk show that was often funnier than Bill Maher’s Real Time or Jon Stewart’s The Daily Show.  But then there is Bad Greg.

Bad Greg can still be found weekdays on The Five, another panel show on which Gutfeld is expected to tone down the humor and offer his (somewhat) serious political insights.  This is where we witness Gutfeld’s off-putting anger, and his desire to please The Powers That Be at Fox, including Bill O’Reilly and Roger Ailes.

Gutfeld is developing a new weekend series for Fox.  Time will tell whether it’s hosted by Good Greg or Bad Greg.

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Academy Awards Ratings Dip

Hollywood, in general, produces two kinds of movies:  superhero/comic book/special-effects franchise films that please teenagers and viewers in China, and independent, small-budget “prestige” pictures.  Millions of people see the blockbusters, which aren’t good enough to win Oscars.  Nobody sees the smaller films, which are often Oscar-worthy but, again, nobody sees them.

Unless Tinseltown rediscovers its sweet spot – movies that are good and popular – Oscar ratings will continue to slide.

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Bill Maher whined about having to watch so many reports about New England snowstorms.  This, coming from a guy who lives in a state that gets nonstop news coverage of mudslides, wildfires, and minor earthquakes – Mother Nature events that bore the crap out of most non-Californians.

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The danger of watching too much Fox News is that, if you’re not careful, you can become like Tom Hanks and Wilson the volleyball in Cast Away:  You might begin to think of the mindless Fox pundits as your pals.

I don’t make fun of Fox all that much, simply because there are not enough hours in the day.  Here are a couple of dumb Fox quotes from this week:

Dana Perino on The Five:  “I was thinking, you know, President Obama is very attractive.”

OK, so we took that quote a bit out of context, but it seems obvious that Perino lusts for Obama in her heart.

The Five’s Greg Gutfeld considers himself an expert on words and grammar.  Gutfeld’s “banned phrase“ on Friday’s show:  “I Don’t Disagree.”

“You’d save a lot more time if you’d just say, ‘I agree,’” barked Gutfeld.

Uh, not really, because the two phrases aren’t synonymous.

“I don’t disagree” means you’re not sure; you might agree or you might disagree, but at the moment you’re not doing either because you haven’t made up your mind.

How about we ban Gutfeld until he gets a grasp of the English language?

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I was a bit surprised that Saturday Night Live didn’t parody Rachel Maddow on its big anniversary special last weekend.  But then I remembered that SNL has already parodied Maddow.  Quite a bit, in fact.  Who among us could ever forget “Pat”?

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What  …  the  …  fuck?

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Brooke Baldwin (above left) was flummoxed by a daring prison escape in which two women dressed in skimpy police costumes managed to seduce the prison guards.

“I’m not laughing at all,” said Brooke.  “I’m just fixated on those little negligee outfits and thinking, how the heck did this whole thing happen over that?”

This might explain why you’re still single, Brooke.

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Melissa Harris-Perry (above right) gushed over Eric Holder as she interviewed him for MSNBC, confessing that her pet name for Holder is “The Duck,” and asking him to … oh, never mind.

Sometimes it’s a good thing that nobody watches your show.

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As if we needed more reminders, we found out again this week just how much the media loves … the media.  Jon Stewart, Brian Williams, and David Carr all leaving the media?  I don’t seem to give a shit – do you?

In the grand scheme of things, Stewart’s ratings were insignificant, Williams was a pompous ass, and outside of the media world, no one knew who Carr was.

On the other hand, I am sorry to lose Bob Simon.

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Obama continues his crusade to prove that black presidents can be just as bad as white presidents.  Now if we can just get Hillary elected, we’ll learn that female presidents can be just as bad as male presidents.

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So according to The Huffington Post, there are now only 49 states?

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The CNN Quiz Show – What terrible timing.  Just when everyone is criticizing the blur of news and entertainment, thanks to Brian Williams, CNN decides to launch a game show in which it asks respected anchors to behave like a bunch of buffoons.

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Grand Delusions

Apparently those of us worried about Rupert Murdoch taking over the world’s media have had misplaced concerns, because Rupert has had much bigger fish to fry:  the destruction of Randy Quaid.

I just watched Randy‘s new movie (above) and, I’ll have to say, the special effects are even more impressive than what we saw in Independence Day.

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What we suspected turns out to be true:  Brian Williams’s portrayal of Ted Baxter is more realistic than Bradley Cooper’s Oscar-nominated portrayal of Chris Kyle.

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From The Huffington Post:

“Esposito referred HuffPost to an NBC News spokeswoman who declined to comment.”

Now that’s a job I’d love to have:  a spokeswoman who doesn’t have to speak.

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I did a Google search for “late night comics hammer Brian Williams” and … I’m still searching.  With the exception of one zinger from Conan O’Brien, it appears that America’s hard-hitting, edgy kings of late night — am looking at you, Jimmy Fallon and David Letterman — prefer to let their buddy Brian off the hook.

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Lots of smug giggles over the old television clip of Bryant Gumbel and Katie Couric discussing “what Internet is.”

I still don’t know what Internet is.  As far as I’m concerned, Internet is something magic in the air that puts pictures and sound into a glass box on my desk.

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Deflated Ass of the Week:

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, who lectured us about the “integrity” of a league that routinely extorts millions of dollars from taxpayers to build stadiums with seats that only the one percent can afford to buy, while Goodell pockets $300 million in personal salary.

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I have to wonder if HLN gasbags Drew Pinsky and Nancy Grace enjoy sharing Tuesday prime time with the king of YouTube farts, Jack Vale.

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A high-school student was caught on video pummeling a teacher who had the temerity to take away the kid’s cell phone.  Dr. Keith Ablow’s analysis for Fox News:  “The reason this has gone national, and viral, is because we all know now how connected we are to these devices.  Mobile technology has become integrated into our psyches.”

Silly me.  I thought the video went viral because it shows a high-school student pummeling his teacher.

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How to Ensure No One Will Watch Your Show:

“You’ve all now seen the inside of my colon.  I’m sorry.” – Morgan Spurlock, plugging his filmed colonoscopy.

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The Voice of Authority:

“I don’t believe he’s [Mitt Romney] not gonna run.” – Fox ace political analyst Stacey Dash.  I had been waiting for Charles Krauthammer’s opinion about Romney’s surprise exit, but now that Dash has spoken, I consider the matter settled.

Another Voice of Authority:

“America is at its most puritanical.” – Lena Dunham, complaining about something.   But Lena has a point.  Some of us recall growing up in the 1960s and watching uninhibited fare like The Dick van Dyke Show, in which Dick might be seen “motorboating” Mary Tyler Moore over the kitchen sink.

If only America weren’t so prudish today, perhaps Lena could do something like that on Girls.

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Scientists have set the hands of their infamous “doomsday clock” to three minutes to midnight.  But what happens when daylight saving time rolls around — do they move the clock ahead an hour?

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Clint Eastwood is apparently this generation’s John Wayne:  He makes entertaining movies that have an, uh, “interesting” take on reality.

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How to Get Bullied on the Internet

To get bullied from the right — criticize Chris Kyle

To get bullied from the left — support Billy Crystal

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“Only in America could a story like this get this big.” – Dana Perino about “Deflategate”

Not really, Dana.  In Europe, soccer fans riot and trample each other to death.  In South America, soccer fans storm the field and behead referees.  But in America, we make jokes about “balls.”

Wish I could get more worked up over this deflated-balls controversy, but I can’t.  I have a feeling that if 99 percent of the players and coaches in the NFL thought they could get away with cheating, they would go ahead and cheat.

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And last and least, today is the “Weekly Review’s” fifth anniversary.  What, us worry?

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I love me some Kenneth Branagh, and I’ve enjoyed his portrayal of the Swedish detective Wallander on PBS, but I recently binge-watched Sweden’s original TV version of the hangdog hero and man, now that I’ve seen Krister Henriksson’s (above) rendition of Wallander, there simply is no other Wallander.

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Happiest Oscar-Nominations Surprise:

The Lego Movie got stiffed.  It was technically impressive, but other than that its appeal was strictly at the third-grade level – which is apparently where 96 percent of the nation’s film critics reside, per Rotten Tomatoes.  Everything is awesome, my ass.

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To borrow a phrase that I hate from teenage girls:  I … can’t … even …

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I’d write something about Allison Williams’s rear end this week, but I already did that a few weeks ago.  Instead, let me express my sympathies to her father, Brian, who no doubt is still contending with vanilla cake jokes at work.

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I don’t understand the terrorist mindset.  Seems to me that if you’re going to be outraged by Western media, you might want to direct your anger at art that actually stands a chance of influencing people.

A few years ago, extremists went ballistic over an amateurish video, Innocence of Muslims, that looked like it was produced by Mrs. Spolum’s third-grade students.  Today, we have Kim Jong-un throwing a hissy fit over a piece of Hollywood fluff called The Interview, and French fanatics freaking out over juvenile cartoons published in a magazine nobody’s heard of.

Who could be next on the terrorists’ hit list?  Adam Sandler?

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Difficult Quiz:

Which dude above is CNN’s gay sex-symbol anchorman, and which dudes are his guests?

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From The Huffington Post:

Well, Jones did once tell a national TV audience that Cowboys quarterback Troy Aikman “looks good in the shower.”

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From Politico:

Will someone please explain how it is that Boehner can be at his desk smoking a Camel?  Are members of Congress, unlike the rest of us, allowed to smoke cigarettes in public buildings?

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New Year’s Resolutions:

• Here’s hoping there are more airplane disasters, so that CNN might finally go to 23-hour airplane-crash coverage and change its name to AC (airplane crash) 360.  One hour per day would be allocated to Anthony Bourdain, who would, of course, review airline food.
• Here’s hoping the cable-news networks will institute bans on politicians using the following phrases:  “the American people,” “American women,” “African-Americans,” and “Mexican-Americans.”  Those aren’t political coalitions.  American women, African-Americans, Mexican-Americans, and the American people seem to be just as splintered as any other group.
• Here’s hoping there will be no more stories about the booming American economy.  Until Joe and Mary Sixpack feel the “booming American economy” in their wallets, they don’t want to hear about Wall Street.

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What I Heard:

“I’m not wearing football pants.”

What He Actually Said:

“I’m not wearing football pads.”

— Brett Favre in a commercial for Copper Fit.  I’m not convinced that Favre is the guy you want talking about not wearing things.

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Word That You Didn’t Know Exists:

So if you are happy with your boss, that makes you a gruntled employee.

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