The Grouchy Editor

That’s quite a trick. Whenever I’m naked and afraid, the last thing in the world I can do is pop up.

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People complain about Donald Trump being constantly in the news.

Maybe, but whenever I tune in to the news, it seems to be the media covering the media.

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I don’t understand all the “surprise and outrage” over news that Mark Zuckerberg has been shopping Facebook users’ personal information.

Doesn’t anyone remember The Social Network?

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How to Write for a “News” Web Site:

A)  Your headline is the most important element. It needn’t have anything to do with the story beneath it, and it should be either misleading or sensational or both. Just get readers to click on the article.

B)  The story itself can be fairly straightforward and non-controversial. But at the end, the reporter must sum things up by inserting his or her own opinion about the issue in question. Preferably, the writer will be some snot-nosed kid straight out of college who knows next to nothing about real life. Readers aren’t smart enough to draw their own conclusions, so it is essential that said snot-nosed kid explain things for them.

C)  The above applies to both liberal sites like The Huffington Post and conservative sites like Breitbart.

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Roseanne Repercussions

There’s good news and bad news about the ratings success of the Roseanne reboot:

Good news:  By now, even coastal “elites” must be a bit tired of every new show being set in Southern California or, to a lesser extent, New York. Thanks to Hollywood, I feel like I’ve lived in every L.A. neighborhood and worked in every liberal profession. Enough already. We need some shows set in Enid, Oklahoma and Ames, Iowa. Maybe Roseanne will lead to that.

Bad news:  God help us if TV executives decide to shower the nation with heavily religious, “family”-oriented shows. In decades past, Hollywood knew how to make entertaining films that were both wholesome and smart. But just reading the titles of recent religious films on the big screen makes me feel like I’m being lectured.

Bottom line:  Deplorables who are hoping that the success of Roseanne might trigger an outpouring of empathy and understanding from TV types are in for disappointment. I’m afraid that for Hollywood execs to truly grasp the mindset of America’s heartland, they would have to do the one thing they are most loath to do: move there.

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Yes, we get that there’s a great deal of public interest in Stormy Daniels right now.

But it’s depressing to see a beloved channel like TCM jump on the bandwagon:

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I am liking both AMC’s The Terror (above) and FX’s Trust.  Ancient icebergs are featured in both shows:  Arctic landscapes on The Terror, and Donald Sutherland on Trust.

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Commercial Hell

Marie Osmond has been telling Nutrisystem (weight loss) customers who are “busy” that she’s “been there.” Uh, no, you haven’t. You’ve been filthy rich your entire adult life, and rich people “busy” is not the same as middle-class “busy.”

Dear “Mark,” the dude who’s so pleased with himself for quitting smoking in the Chantix commercials:

If you are so concerned about your health, Mark, maybe you should lose some weight. I’m surprised you can even see the menu past that double-chin of yours.

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Current events are so dire that when I hear reports that pieces of a Chinese space station could plummet to Earth and crash through the roof of my house this weekend, I consider it trivial entertainment news.

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I never expected to say this, but after watching her appearance on Jimmy Kimmel’s show (above), I’m glad Roseanne is back.

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TV Updates

Top: Counterpart; below: The Alienist

Counterpart and The Alienist are wrapping up their rookie seasons. Back in January, I thought Counterpart was the more likely keeper. But now …

I much prefer The Alienist. Counterpart is the more “intelligent” show, but it has a complicated plot, is awfully talky, and takes itself oh-so-seriously. The characters aren’t particularly likeable, and it’s not as much fun as it ought to be.

The Alienist has likeable characters, a simple plot, doesn’t take itself so seriously … and is a lot more fun.

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Awhile back I made fun of Steve Hilton’s less-than-polished delivery, but I wouldn’t make fun of his message. Expatriate Steve looks around D.C. and sees The Swamp everywhere – Republican and Democrat – and I’m afraid he’s right. Evidently, anyone who has money and power in this country is corrupt.

So keep up the great work, Steve — at least until we find out that you just got a big raise and now you’re corrupt, too.

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How to convince everyone that you’re one smart cookie:

When the conversation lags, just say this – “If there’s one thing the market hates, it’s uncertainty.”

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Woof!

Burt Reynolds is an American treasure. He made the talk-show rounds and was equal parts charming and nuts. Like in this clip.

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Here is Congressman Mike Conaway trying to pronounce a five-syllable word:

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On the one hand, Hillary is an older woman, and it isn’t very nice to make light of an older person’s physical frailty. However … it’s Hillary.

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I watched a movie called Bad Match about a dude who sleeps with lots of women.

Despite the subject matter, there was no nudity in the movie. I don’t know if it’s the “#MeToo” movement or what, but this is a disturbing trend.

So I looked up the star of Bad Match, Lili Simmons, and learned that her nude photos had been leaked.

And so if you watched Bad Match and were angered at the lack of nudity, here is Lili Simmons in her leaked nudes:

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California keeps talking about seceding from the rest of the country.

I’m not sure we can wait through that process, which could be long and costly. Why don’t we just boot them out right now?

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Let’s see if I have this straight: We’re supposed to feel sorry for this guy because he might not get his gigantic pension until he’s 57?

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Is there a more pretentious expression than “Who are you wearing”?

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I have a question for the “Time’s Up” and “#MeToo” people: What about women who deliberately use sex or sleep their way into plum movie roles or juicy job promotions? Do they get a free pass?

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Peak TV

There are too damn many shows. I will watch a police drama and then not recall if the bad guy did something in the show I am watching, or if it was another bad guy in another police drama I’ve been watching.

There are too damn many shows. I forget about some of them. I will kind of enjoy season one of a show, then it will return a year later and I’ll forget that it’s still on.

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Quote of the Week

“This is a typical case.” – some lawyer on Fox News discussing the porn star who is suing the president of the United States

The sad thing is, I didn’t even blink when I heard this.

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If embattled Trump son-in-law Jared Kushner needs a new career, I think he’d make an excellent Bond villain. I am reminded of this dude from Thunderball:

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Just like the bad guy in Thunderball, Jared is famous for generating gender confusion:

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All eyes will be on accused harasser Ryan Seacrest at Sunday’s Oscars, which is beyond annoying.

It figures that, after all these years, the one guy still clinging to American Idol is the “celebrity” with no discernible talent.

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Some wag on Uproxx made Oscar predictions based on having seen none of the nominated movies.

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Blank Panther? I’m guessing that’s an intentional typo.

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America’s Sweetheart?

I recently watched a documentary about Julia Roberts, and it appears that the lady with the big smile (and laugh) might have been “America’s Sweetheart” on the big screen but, alas, not so much in her personal life.

Five years ago, I thought spunky and charming Jennifer Lawrence might be Hollywood’s newest A.S., but she’s morphed into a P.P. – Polarizing Princess.

So Roberts and Lawrence are out of the running. And our A.S. is not likely …

… Nancy Pelosi with her “crumbs” comment.

The problem isn’t her message, because Pelosi is mostly correct. Compared to what the Fat Cats got out of this tax overhaul, lowly workers are getting crumbs.

The problem is the messenger. Sorry, Nancy, but multimillionaires like you don’t get to decide what the rest of us consider “crumbs.”

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America’s Sweetheart? (Part 2)

How do you deflect attention from your failure at the Olympics? If you’re media darling Lindsey Vonn, you try to make it all about your touching devotion to a dead grandfather – with help from a fawning press.

I suppose that’s better than resurrecting your hacked nudes. Do these pictures represent America’s Sweetheart?

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 (Click thumbnails for a larger view)

Nah, you can have Lindsey Vonn, Julia Roberts, and Jennifer Lawrence. Seems obvious to me that the real America’s Sweetheart is about to celebrate her birthday. So here’s an early “Happy 96th” to Doris Day!

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I think I speak for no one when I say that I’d like to thank the Republicans and Democrats for releasing their memos regarding the Christopher Steele dossier and the FISA Court request.

Then again, now that the GOP and Dems have explained things, I suppose we can all sleep better, because our political parties never lie, spin, or try to sway public opinion.

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The jury was out last week on Babylon Berlin, a German import on Netflix. Now that I’ve seen all 16 episodes, I’m prepared to give this impressive drama a big “thumbs up.”

Yeah, the subtitles are a pain, the plot is convoluted, and there are a few moments that stretch credibility, but the show looks amazing and there are some unforgettable scenes – especially for a TV show. Like this number:

I can’t get that song out of my head. But that’s a good thing.

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TV Update

I can’t decide if I really, really like Netflix’s foreign import Babylon Berlin, or if I just kind of, sort of, like it. It’s one of those shows that defies a standard “review,” not least because – I admit it – I’m not always quite sure of what I’m watching.

It’s a German production, and therein lies the problem: You need to brush up on your German history to follow the complex plot. And I don’t mean World War II history, but rather pre-Hitler Germany, with its confusing confluence of socialist-Stalinist-capitalist influences.

But there’s a lot to like about this 16-part series, including:

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The characters.   Leads Volker Bruch and Liv Lisa Fries (pictured above) are photogenic, charismatic, and sympathetic. Sure, Bruch plays a drug addict and Fries’s role is a part-time hooker, but hey, they’re Donny and Marie compared to the seedy characters in their orbit. Speaking of which, the supporting cast is superb, especially Peter Kurth (below) as corpulent, maybe-good-maybe-bad cop Bruno Wolter.

The visuals.   It’s an expensive ($40 million) production, and the money shows. The cabarets, mansions, and tenements of 1929 Berlin are rendered in magnificent detail.

The music.   It’s strange yet mesmerizing. It’s Marlene Dietrich singing “Falling in Love Again (Can’t Help It)” — not literally, but that captures the spirit.

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I will never understand the appeal of watching B-movies on the Syfy channel. The other day, the network ran Lake Placid 3 which, as far as I can tell, is attractive for two reasons and two reasons only: laughing at the cheesy special effects, and ogling naked starlets. Yet on SyFy, sex and nudity are edited out.

Here is what you’ll see of starlets Kacey (Clarke) Barnfield (the brunette), and Angelica Penn (the blonde) on the SyFy version of Lake Placid 3:

Here is what you’ll see on the DVD:

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BuzzFeed has a scary article about the future of artificial intelligence and how we humans are probably all screwed. Actually, there are quite a few articles and books about the future of artificial intelligence and how we humans are probably all screwed.

Soon, we’ll be seeing videos in which Trump (apparently) confesses that he is in fact Russian, and Obama (apparently) confesses that he was a woman named Marissa before having a 1980s operation in Denmark – and we won’t be able to tell that the videos are fake.

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Today’s false story that we planted on the Joker’s Updates bulletin board to get a rise out of Big Brother fans:

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Big Brother fans are excited because ousted Trump administration bogeywoman Omarosa (above right) is in the hamster house.

As for me, I prefer the joy of spreading false rumors in Big Brother chat rooms, like this one at Joker’s Updates:

“Shannon,” by the way, is Shannon Elizabeth. You might remember her from American Pie. If you don’t, these screen captures might jog your … memory.

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My Facebook page informs me that War of Kings, above, is a “featured game.” I’m sure it’s all about a skillful female hero who fights her way to … ah, who am I kidding? It’s obviously about her shapely ass.

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 “(Fill in the blank) Sparks Twitter Outrage”

Can we retire this clichéd, tired phrase already?

It’s too easy for lazy editors to find 23 people who are upset about something – anything – and to then create a stupid story about it.

Exception:

“Twitter ‘Outrage’ Sparks Twitter Outrage”

That one we can keep.

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This nasal-voiced, annoying chick on the Match.com commercial who says, “Come find me!” Doesn’t seem all that smart.

I am picturing some creepy serial stalker, sitting at his computer in the basement, watching this commercial and taking her request as a personal challenge.

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These two clowns got booted from the Winter Olympics in South Korea for startling spectators with their hilarious Donald Trump-Kim Jong-un impersonation.

Big mistake. They were vastly more entertaining than watching whiny athletes like Lindsey Vonn.

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Normally, I might cheer for the Philadelphia Eagles on Super Bowl Sunday simply because I’m tired of Tom Brady and the Patriots and their crab-faced coach.

But man … that would mean rewarding Eagles fans, and Eagles fans seem to be the largest collection of undeserving thugs in the country.

Go Patriots! … I guess.

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When the news is so relentlessly depressing, it’s tempting to just put your head in the sand until it all goes away.

Notice I said your head, not my head.

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We asked Rip to live Tweet the Grammy Awards. From time to time, he got bored and strayed off topic:

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