The Grouchy Editor

                           The Collection

I’m tempted to slap The Collection with an “F” for its bare-bones plot and ridiculously excessive gore.  However … if you are into splatter flicks — I generally am not — this sequel to The Collector is better than most of its gore-horror brethren thanks to a decent budget and some slick, fast-paced direction.  Release:  2012  Grade:  B-

                                         *****

               All the Boys Love Mandy Lane

The camera certainly loves Amber Heard, who plays one of six teens who (yawn) encounter trouble at an isolated ranch.  Director Jonathan Levine also seems to love stilted dialogue, “scares” that don’t scare, and a twist that any horror-film fan can see coming from a mile away.  This mediocrity was filmed in 2006 but sat on a shelf for seven years, awaiting distribution.  Too bad it’s not still sitting there.  Release:  2013  Grade:  D+

                                         *****

                             World War Z

Here’s proof that you can have an astronomical budget and Brad Pitt for a leading man … and still produce just another silly zombie movie.  Brad plays a perfect family man (of course) who saves the world (naturally) while fighting off hordes of the undead.  The zombies are not particularly original, but they do look cool in some overhead CGI shots.  Release:  2013  Grade:  C-

                                         *****

                              End of Watch

If you’re not a big fan of police, End of Watch could change your mind — at least for a couple of hours, thanks to the chemistry between Jake Gyllenhaal and Michael Pena as two patrolmen in South Central L.A.  There isn’t a great deal of story, but it’s refreshing to watch a crime drama in which the cops are neither bad to the bone nor avenging super studs.  Release:  2012  Grade:  B+

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                                    Evil Dead

Fede Alvarez’s remake of the 1981 classic lacks the black humor of the original, yet it’s never boring.  Alvarez knows how to stage a scary (and gory) scene, but his film is undermined by the usual bane of young-people-in-peril movies:  a script that has our heroes constantly doing and saying unbelievably stupid things.  Release:  2013  Grade:  B-

*****

                                       Session 9

At a creepy, abandoned mental hospital in Massachusetts, the asbestos-laden walls are slowly being peeled away — but so is the sanity of one of five workmen hired to do the job.  Session 9 is a rarity, an intelligent chiller for viewers who believe that the real horrors in life aren’t found in cabins in the woods, but in the human brain.  Release:  2001  Grade:  B+

*****

                                           Thor

It’s a bit empty-headed and relies on glitzy special effects, but Thor is also armed with good old-fashioned storytelling and plenty of charm.  And yet … by thunder, am I the only one wondering why the esteemed Kenneth Branagh is now directing comic-book movies?  Release:  2011  Grade:  B

*****

                                          Starlet

A young porn actress befriends a grumpy old lady (85-year-old Besedka Johnson, in her first and only film before her death earlier this year), and a sweet and funny relationship ensues.  I must be getting old, because at the midpoint of this surprisingly good twist on Harold and Maude, there is a brief but explicit sex scene — and I thought it destroyed the mood.  You heard that right:  I am complaining about a sex scene.  But not enough to turn me off to this unpredictable, touching little drama.  Release:  2012  Grade:  B+

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The Host

Maybe it’s a case of cultural bias on my part, but I thought The Host, South Korean director Bong Joon-ho’s homage to 1950s monster-from-hell B movies, was a strange brew of slapstick comedy and serious, environmental commentary.  But I also thought that the story, in which a polluted river gives birth to an ill-tempered beast, was non-stop entertaining.  Release:  2006  Grade:  B+

*****

After Porn Ends

Here are three things to know about being a former porn star:  1) You don’t want to be one; 2) if you are one, it’s better to be a male ex-porn star than a female ex-porn star — but not a whole lot better; 3) you probably guessed this, but most of these actors lead unhappy lives after they leave the sex business.  Bryce Wagoner’s fair-minded documentary, in which he interviews adult stars past and present, is fascinating if depressing viewing.  I did have one quibble:  There is no mention of the porn kings who get rich exploiting these people.  Release:  2010  Grade:  B+

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Sinister

There is a scene early in Sinister that had me on the edge of my seat.  Fred Thompson, playing a crusty sheriff, approaches family man Ethan Hawke with some unsolicited advice.  Uh-oh, I thought, here it comes:  Fred is going to pitch an AAG reverse mortgage to poor Ethan.  But I was mistaken.  Nothing that nerve-rattling happens in this clichéd dud of a horror flick.  It’s just Ethan, baseball bat in hand, prowling the dark halls of his haunted house, and a sound technician blasting noise at the audience whenever something supposedly scary occurs.  Release:  2012  Grade:  D+

*****

Mama

Director Andres Muschietti has a real knack for creepy/scary visuals, which somewhat offsets Mama’s silly premise, dumb plot, and none-too-believable behavior by its characters.  Jessica Chastain, as a musician battling the titular creature for control of two little girls, provides evidence that two Oscar nominations are no guarantee of landing other great roles.  Release:  2013   Grade:  B-

*****

Penumbra

Marga (Cristina Brondo) is the kind of career woman you love to hate.  She gets ahead by trampling co-workers, sleeping with married men, and steamrolling anyone who doesn’t serve her needs.  We spend two-thirds of Penumbra getting to know busty, bitchy Marga, but Twilight Zone-like omens all point to an unhappy (for Marga), yet satisfying (for us) climax.  Just proves that you can’t always trust omens, because Penumbra, until its final act a sleek and suspenseful puzzle, fizzles out at the end, wrapping up with gore-spattered silliness.  Release:   2011   Grade:  C

*****

Frazetta:  Painting with Fire

Say the name “Frazetta” at a comic-book convention, and you’ll likely turn heads.  Mention the name anywhere else, and you’ll probably draw a blank stare.  That’s a shame because Frank Frazetta, illustrator-artist extraordinaire, deserves a better legacy.  His bane was that he worked primarily in the world of fantasy, churning out striking covers for everything from horror-comics to Hollywood movie posters.  Frazetta chronicles his colorful life from Brooklyn boyhood to retirement in Pennsylvania, but it’s also a film one can enjoy with the mute button on, simply soaking in a procession of startlingly original warriors, princesses, and demons as they march across the screen.  Release:  2003  Grade:  B

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Sun Don’t Shine

On-the-lam movies can be fun — but only if you care about the people on the lam.  In Sun Don’t Shine, Kate Lyn Sheil and Kentucker Audley play young lovers sweating it out in Florida because there’s something in the trunk of their car, but a decomposing body isn’t what made me nauseous.  That would be Sheil, who, as the clingy, whiny, emotionally stunted female half of this not-so-dynamic duo, gives one of the most annoying performances of the year.  Release:  2012  Grade:  D

*****

Swimming Pool

Until it goes off the deep end, Swimming Pool is a sleek erotic thriller about the murderous results when an uptight British novelist finds herself sharing a summer house with her boss’s promiscuous young daughter.  Charlotte Rampling, as the repressed writer, and Ludivine Sagnier, as her wild-and-crazy opposite, regard each other like the proverbial cat and canary — but which is which?  It’s smooth and sexy, but the final scenes are either deliciously ambiguous or a groan-inducing cheat.  You decide.  Release:  2003  Grade:  B

*****

Sightseers

A nerdy British couple (as part of their holiday, they schedule a stop at a pencil museum) decides to enliven their road trip with road kill — literally.  If the concept of dull tourists as serial killers is clever enough to sustain you for 90 minutes, then knock yourself out, mate, but for me the plot and characters failed to live up to that amusing premise.  Release:  2013  Grade:  C

*****

Wasted on the Young

A familiar tale — high school bullies, the rich and popular kids, make life hellish for other students — is told with originality and flair by Australian filmmaker Ben C. Lucas.  It’s not an uplifting story, but Lucas’s decision to leave adults out of the film works well, immersing the viewer in a nightmarish, but riveting, teenage society.  Release:  2010  Grade:  B

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             The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Despite an appealing cast, this high-school drama strikes an immediate pity-party tone and never strays from it.  Charlie (Logan Lerman), abused as a child, is timid in school, misunderstood by girls, suicidal and, to an irritating degree, Oh.  So.  Sensitive.  He is befriended by two seniors — a girl “with a past” (Emma Watson) and a gay boy (Ezra Miller) who dates the school’s quarterback — and they all become best buds.  In this movie, most (not all) of the heterosexuals are brutish, insensitive clods, and our heroes are all tragic victims.  If you love snow angels, To Kill a Mockingbird, and The Rocky Horror Picture Show, then this is a movie for you.  But gag me with a spoon.  Release:  2012  Grade:  C-

*****

                                       The Grey

A plane goes down in the Alaska wild, where Liam Neeson and a small group of oil workers face hostile elements and inhospitable wolves.  The Grey wants to be both thrilling adventure and a profound meditation on the meaning of life — and falls short.  The wolf attacks are fairly entertaining, but the “deep meaning” scenes sputter because Grey’s characters are thinly drawn, with a vocabulary that seems limited to the word “fuck.”  Release:  2012  Grade:  B-

*****

Hitchcock

It plays fast and loose with the facts, but Hitchcock is a surprisingly sweet biopic.  If you can overlook the screenplay’s fabrications about the famous filmmaker’s alleged monetary problems and supposedly shaky marriage, and focus instead on the interplay between stars Anthony Hopkins (Hitchcock) and Helen Mirren (wife Alma), the reward is a droll depiction of an enduring creative partnership and, as a bonus for film buffs, an amusing look at the making of Psycho.  Release:  2012  Grade:  B+

*****

Suspiria

Jessica Harper plays a young American who enrolls at a German dance academy that turns out to be something else, entirely.  Horror director Dario Argento’s primary-colored movie is an expressionistic treat, with a score by the Italian band Goblin that could make your skin crawl (in a good way).  Unfortunately, the stilted dialogue, dated special effects, and wooden acting could have the same effect (in a bad way).  All in all, though, this is one eerie, sensory experience.  Release:  1977  Grade:  B

*****

                                            Ted

Mark Wahlberg stars as a 35-year-old slacker who must choose between his walking, talking teddy bear and Mila Kunis.  If you would choose the teddy bear, then this is a movie for you.  There are a few amusing pop-culture references and the animation is good, but writer-director Seth MacFarlane’s big-screen debut is mean-spirited, childish and, well, pretty much unbearable.  Release:  2012  Grade:  D

*****

The Impossible

The special effects are impressive — most of them were created the old-fashioned way, using miniatures and water tanks — and there are some fine performances, but this fact-based drama about one family’s struggle to survive a tsunami that pummeled Thailand in 2004 is often a drag.  Knowing the fate of the family deprives the story of suspense, and we are instead left with more than an hour of unrelenting misery.  It’s realistic, sure, but aren’t disaster movies also supposed to entertain?  Release:  2012  Grade:  B

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