Could we please celebrate our national achievements just once? When the retired space shuttle Enterprise was piggy-backed to Manhattan last week, there was breathless news coverage of the event. Just as there was breathless news coverage of the final space-shuttle mission last July.
This week, we celebrated the placement of a steel beam atop One World Trade Center, officially making it New York’s tallest building. We will celebrate, again, when the building is completed in a year or so.
I am thinking that this year I will celebrate my birthday not once, but twice: once on the actual day of my birth, and once on the day that I was conceived. Please alert the media.
There is an upside to being an unpaid film critic, as opposed to the poor schmucks who review movies for professional media. As an unpaid critic, I am under absolutely no obligation to see the latest entry in Hollywood’s endless string of mindless, childish teenybopper movies, in this case The Avengers. Yes, it’s getting good reviews, and yes, it will strike gold at the box office. I’ll even admit that it might be an entertaining flick. But at this point, all I need to hear are the words “superhero” or “comic book” and I run screaming for the exit.
My phone stopped working. So I did what anyone would do, I contacted Fermin in India.
Fermin: Hello sir. Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Fermin. Please give me one moment to review your information.
Grouch: I think I need to just drop this voicemail feature on my computer, because 1) I never use it, and 2) I am now unable to use my telephone, and I am missing phone calls. How on earth do I just get rid of it?
Fermin: I will be more than glad to do the best I can to assist you today. I hope your day is doing just fine.
Grouch: Well, I can no longer use my telephone, and I suspect it’s because of this voicemail feature I have on my computer, which I never use.
Fermin: I understand your concern, sir.
Fermin: To make sure that I’m working with the correct phone, kindly verify the affected Comcast phone number and also your best contact number so we can call you if necessary.
Grouch: You can’t call me. My phone does not seem to be working.
Fermin: I understand your concern.
Fermin: Please in chat.
Fermin: Please stat in chat.
Fermin: Thank you so much.
Grouch: I just want my phone to work again.
Fermin: No problem. Kindly connect the base unit of your phone directly to the modem at tel line 1 and 2 ports to verify which port is working.
Grouch: The telephone is in another room, it’s not near the computer.
Fermin: At this point, I humbly ask your patience and cooperation to follow my instructions so that we can resolve this phone issue now. Please plug your phone directly to the modem.
Grouch: But the telephone is not in the same room as the computer.
Fermin: I understand you. Please make sure to connect the wire or cable to the line 1 port at the back of the modem so that the wall outlet in your room will surely work.
Grouch: The only way I can get a dial tone is by bringing the entire phone apparatus into this room and plugging it into the computer. I don’t want the phone in this room. I think perhaps you had better schedule a technician.
Fermin: Yes. I can see that there is an issue with your inside wiring. The appointment schedule will be on 5/5/2012 between 2 pm and 4 pm. Please keep this ticket as your reference.
Grouch: You have to stop typing so I can write the number down. This screen keeps scrolling by itself.
Fermin: I’m glad I was able to help you. Do you have any other questions or concerns I can help you with today? I just wanna make sure all your concerns will be taken cared of today.
Grouch: They were not taken care of. I will have to wait until Saturday and probably pay 49.95 to fix the problem.
Fermin: I understand your concern. Is there anything else I can help you with today?
A St. Louis judge awarded more than seven million dollars to Tamara Favazza because her boobs wound up in a Girls Gone Wild video. Favazza does have nice boobs, but I don’t think they are worth a penny more than $500,000.
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