Category: Weekly Reviews

 

Editor’s Note:  Evidently our leaders are setting new norms and standards for the country’s political discourse.

Far be it from us to ignore the signals from our betters in Washington, D.C.  In that spirit, please enjoy our new style guidelines for The Weekly Review:

 

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I don’t understand how Sean Hannity is considered the top dog at Fox News. Hannity often strikes me as an oblivious knee-bender.

To me, the top asshole at Fox is Tucker Carlson, despite the doltish deer-in-the-headlights facial expression he adopts while listening to his guests. Unlike Hannity, Carlson is smart enough to know which hot-buttons to push.

There’s a good reason that those motherfucking liberal activists showed up at Carlson’s house in the middle of the night, and then tried so hard to get bullshitting advertisers to abandon his show. They recognize that jerk-off Carlson, unlike shithead Hannity, is an intellectual threat.

 

Above, Fox host Tucker Carlson dancing with some bitch

 

**

 

Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like if I was a Muslim congresswoman in a country with millions of citizens who are on the fence whether or not to feel well-disposed toward my religion, I might not consider it a great idea to insult the president of the United States by calling him a “motherfucker.”

 

**

 

On the bright side for Democrats, this fuckwad congresswoman from Michigan makes previous lightning rod Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez seem like motherfucking Miss Manners.

 

Above, cunt-licker Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dancing with some jackass

 

**

 

Tiresome metaphor I keep hearing: “If you’re a hammer, everything’s a nail.”

I beg to differ. In my limited experience with carpentry, when given the choice, hammers invariably prefer my thumb to cocksucking nails.

 

**

 

That’s our lame-ass Review for this week. We hope you enjoyed our new format, and we hope to see you pathetic blowjobbers again next week.

 

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TV Update

 

 

Newfangled balderdash

 

Someday, cultural historians will possibly look back at the premiere of Black Mirror: Bandersnatch (above) and recognize a groundbreaking moment in home entertainment, when Hollywood product became much more immersive and interactive.

That day isn’t today. Right now, Netflix’s experiment feels like a crashing bore, a frustrating waste of time.

OK, OK, it was mildly entertaining to use my remote to have the hero either spill tea on his computer or to smash the monitor to bits. Or to choose between two brands of cereal. But after watching the same scenes play out ad nauseam, completely demolishing the flow of the story, I was desperate to click the “end credits” button.

 

Old-fashioned fun

 

 

Unforgotten —  The good news: I hadn’t even heard of this show, which is already in its third season, but it’s yet another high-class British drama with great acting.

The (sort of) bad news: It’s been hyped as a mystery or whodunit, and it is that, but it’s actually more social drama than anything else. If you have doubts that the past can come back to haunt you, you won’t after watching this series.

 

 

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel —  The good news: The production design really brings the late 1950s to life. Star Rachel Brosnahan is a cutie, and it was thoughtful of the showrunners to give us a look at her tits and ass:

 

 

The bad news: I couldn’t watch more than the first episode. Apparently lots of people find Mrs. Maisel charming. I found her obnoxious and grating.

 

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We’re told it’s been a big week in Washington. I’m not sure why.

 

The Government Shutdown:

Yawn. For the federal employees who won’t go to work for awhile, doesn’t it amount to a paid vacation? Sure, they might have to wait a bit for their paychecks, but still. As for the rest of us, does anyone even notice a government shutdown?

 

Troop Withdrawals in the Middle East:

Sigh. If I were a hawk, I wouldn’t worry. Trump can remove all troops from Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, or wherever, but it’s just a matter of time before we get drawn into another Middle East quagmire. Because that’s what we do.

 

Trump’s Green Acres Tweet:

On the one hand, it is pretty funny that a sitting American president would post such a thing. On the other hand, it did remind me of the ending of Dr. Strangelove, in which Slim Pickens rides a falling nuclear bomb like it’s a bucking bronco.

 

 

It’s funny, but also disturbing. Nero fiddling while Rome burns and that sort of thing.

 

**

 

 

I saw these legs on HLN the other day and wondered who the sexpot is. (Not the bonehead on the right, Sanjay Gupta, who looks like he’s about to jump the blonde.)

Turns out it’s Elizabeth Prann, who used to be on Fox.

Isn’t Fox supposed to be the legs network?

 

 

 

**

 

Quote of the Week

 

“Maybe it takes an impulsive, dangerous nutjob like Trump to finally do it, to end the wars the American people want to end.” – Andrew Sullivan in New York magazine

 

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Translation: The new one is more politically correct.

 

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How is this not the same person?

 

Then again, maybe he’s a Munchkin:

 

 

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If ever there was a political figure ripe for satire, it has to be James Comey. I suggest a character called “Mr. Perfect.” Come on, Saturday Night Live, Alec Baldwin’s Trump is tired and stale. Time to unveil Mr. Perfect:

 

 

 

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All I want for Christmas is …

 

… to stop turning on the news and hearing about the border wall or about the Mueller investigation.

Just build the damn wall or don’t build the damn wall. Just impeach Trump or don’t impeach him. But good lord, don’t drag this crap on and on for another year.

 

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… to get to the bottom of all of the congressional sex scandals, or to get to the bottom of none of them.

If you’re going to hammer Trump for his transgressions with Stormy and Karen and whoever, then we also need to find out which congressmen couldn’t keep their pants zipped and then used taxpayer dollars from a slush fund to pay out hush money.

 

**

 

I’m not going to get any of that for Christmas.

It’s going to be a crappy Christmas.

If you don’t believe that already, there is this heartwarming tidbit:

 

 

Ho, ho, ho.

 

**

 

God help me but … were you to ask me to name my favorite Christmas song, I might have to say … (gaaarrrggghhh!) … “My Only Wish (This Year)” by Britney Spears.

It’s catchy. It doesn’t get played to death. I like it. So shoot me.

 

 

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Twitter Twaddle

 

 

Third Grade Revisited, Part 1:

 

 

Third Grade Revisited, Part 2:

 

 

Van Dinkle admits he has no idea who Poliquin is, but no matter. Trolling Stephen King is too much fun.

 

**

 

Heather Nauert Storms the UN

 

 

The Bad News:

Looks like the mean girls from high school are taking over the world.

 

The Good News:

They do look good in a miniskirt.

 

**

 

This is not from the National Enquirer main page. This is from the Fox News main page:

 

 

 

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I guess we shouldn’t be surprised by this. When everything else in the world has gone bonkers, why not war between Canada and China?

 

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Dirty Old Men!

 

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If I was the parent of a six-year-old boy, no way I’d let him anywhere near a Catholic priest.

 

**

 

 

There is one segment of the population that is no doubt relieved at the passing of George Bush: the derrieres of every comely young female in his orbit, which will now go unmolested.

 

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It must be hard on liberal swamp networks like CNN and MSNBC whenever a conservative swamp politician dies and the networks are then forced, for 24 hours or so, to say nice things about the guy.

 

Of course, Fox News will have the same problem when Jimmy Carter finally kicks the bucket.

 

**

 

 

**

 

It would be easier to take Sean Hannity seriously if he would stop, literally, butchering the English language.

 

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Perhaps I’ve become infected by corrosive political correctness, or by the perniciousness of “Twitter outrage,” but whenever I see the Sandals Resorts (“where exclusive is always inclusive”) commercial in which a black servant “walks on water” to bring drinks to a privileged congregation of wealthy guests, all of it narrated by a smug-sounding woman — “Have you ever seen … a butler walk on water to please you?”  (we don’t suppose he’s doing it just for the paycheck) — I can’t help but feel the ad is in spectacular, if subtle, bad taste.

 

You be the judge:

 

 

**

 

Love him or loathe him, you’ve got to admit that President Trump does a marvelous job of reminding us that, once upon a time, we were all of us in the sixth grade:

 

 

 

**

 

 

Not sure what it says about me that Twitter’s algorithm seems to feel that I should follow this guy, who has been dead for a year.

 

**

 

Trump’s Wall

 

I’ve suspected for quite awhile that no one in Washington, including Trump, really wants to build The Wall. I think Trump considers it a nuisance, and secretly wishes that his base would just forget about it.

But his base won’t let it drop. If Trump wants to get re-elected, he’s got to build the damn thing, whether he wants to or not.

 

**

 

Anchor of the Week

 

 

 

Segment 1

 

The incident happening … yesterday? Is this Thursday or Friday?”

Fox News’s Rick Leventhal on Saturday’s broadcast

 

Segment 2

 

“This Fox News alert from California, where wildfires continue to rage – uh, and, well, actually now they’re starting to die down because of the rain that has been tamping down fires.”

Leventhal on the same broadcast

 

**

 

 

 

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Mark Levin (above left) and Dan Bongino (above right): What do these two blowhards have in common – aside from the fact that they are both on the Fox News payroll? They have, evidently, volcanic tempers. Don’t you believe it.

If you are truly upset about something, you don’t go from red-faced outrage to — in a heartbeat, as these two do — serenity and a cat-that-ate-the-canary smile. It’s fake outrage at its finest.

 

**

 

Just in case anyone still needs convincing that Florida is one creepy place, we give you the Crypt-Keeper vs. Old Scratch:

 

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**

 

The Meaning of “Nationalism”

 

I blame this debate on Bill Clinton, back when he told us “it depends upon what the meaning of the word is, is.”

I mean, since when do we allow politicians to decide the definitions of words? Is Emmanuel Macron, or Donald Trump, suddenly Merriam-Webster? Leave the definitions to the expert – your dictionary.

 

**

 

The Jim Acosta Fix

 

Restore his press pass and let him back in. Then don’t call on the idiot – ever.

 

**

 

Fox Nudes Channel?

 

 

Fox is launching a new streaming service. I don’t understand the appeal.

Unless the network’s stable of hot women plan to host new shows in the nude, isn’t it  going to be just more of the same?

 

**

 

“Don’t shoot the messenger”

 

Maybe we’ve had this backwards all along. Maybe if we did shoot the messenger, all of our problems would be solved.

 

**

 

Bette Midler body-shamed Melania Trump. Which gives us another excuse to leer at our First Lady’s bare ass:

 

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Click for a larger view of our naked First Lady (you pig)

 

**

 

Last week we complained about the lack of good (new) stuff on TV. Not this week.

Here are three shows worth watching:

 

 

Homecoming (Amazon Prime). This Julia Roberts vehicle owes a lot to ‘70s-‘80s suspense kings John Carpenter and Brian De Palma – in particular, their musical scores, which are reused in Homecoming to great effect. Roberts plays a therapist at a clinic allegedly created to help military grunts readjust to society, and Bobby Cannavale plays her overbearing boss. But something fishy is going on at the clinic, euphemistically named “Homecoming.” It’s a great concept, and the interplay between Roberts and Cannavale is both maddening and entertaining.

The only drawback? The 10-episode series should have ended with episode 7, which contains the big reveal. The last three episodes are anticlimactic.  Grade: B+

 

 

The Woman in White (BBC/PBS). I can’t decide who plays the better villain, Bobby Cannavale (see above) or Riccardo Scamarcio in this period piece based on a mystery by Wilkie Collins. I’ve read the Collins book, which served as an all-encompassing “spoiler” for my viewing of this BBC adaptation. But the plot is just one reason we watch these British dramas. We watch for the settings, the atmosphere, and the performances.

The only drawback? Occasionally the writers make heroine Marian a bit too 21st century, a bit too feminist. It’s as if they don’t trust modern audiences to watch anything with 19th-century sensibilities.  Grade: B+

 

 

Trapped (Amazon Prime). I’ve only seen half of this series, but I doubt that the remaining episodes will surprise me. In fact, that’s part of the appeal of this Icelandic thriller; it’s the television equivalent of the “cozy mystery” novel, in which familiarity breeds … happiness. Sometimes, that’s what you want.

Two things make Trapped stand out: burly hero Olafur Darri Olafsson as a small-town cop investigating a grisly murder, and one helluva blizzard in one helluva isolated location — a spectacular fjord.  Grade: B+

 

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“Dietland” (see below)

 

**

 

Well, they are still counting votes in Florida and in Arizona and in Georgia and in God Knows Where Else. These midterms are, apparently, the never-ending-terms.

We’re sick of politics. This is what we think of politics:

 

 

**

 

We now have hundreds and hundreds of TV channels, yet we can’t seem to find anything new that’s worth watching.

We’re sick of that. This is what we think of most television:

 

 

**

 

 

The above is a USA Today recommendation.

I don’t know, maybe Dietland was a great show; I didn’t see it. But from the USA Today synopsis, it seems like the type of recommendation we get from myriad Web sites that hire way too many male-bashing, victimhood-promoting, women’s-studies graduates who were coddled and indulged at ultra-liberal colleges.

Or, to borrow a term from Bill Maher, whiny little bitches.

 

We’re sick of that. This is what we think of that:

 

 

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Midterms!

 

I will see a campaign ad about Candidate A, in which he comes off worse than Hitler, and will later learn that Candidate A is leading his race by 10 points. I will conclude that Candidate A’s opponent must be worse than Hitler.

 

If the “experts” are correct – and they are never, ever wrong – the Democrats will seize control of the House of Representatives. This will result in:

 

  • Democrats stopping some of Trump’s agenda.
  • Democrats accomplishing nothing of their own agenda.

 

In other words, nothing much will happen.

 

I take that back. Trump will still be president, so the chances of nothing much happening are pretty much nil.

 

**

 

Sensitivity Training!

 

 

There is a commercial for a movie called Beautiful Boy in which an effeminate dad played by Steve Carell tries to help his effeminate, drug-addicted son. This commercial plays endlessly on Fox News and during football games.

Seems like if your target demographic is the sensitive crowd, you might want to plug your movie elsewhere. The title alone is enough to make Steelers fans upchuck.

 

**

 

Double Standards!

 

 

I watched Outlander in its first season, and it was a decent show. But then I drifted away. It appears, from the picture above, that the heroine dumped her husband and has taken up with the younger, studlier boy toy she found in the 18th century. This plot is considered dashing and romantic by many female fans.

But how is it different from the older man who dumps his long-time spouse for a younger trophy wife?

 

**

 

Note: Just in case it isn’t obvious, the preceding post was brought to you by an old straight male.

 

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