Simply, Having, a Hard-on at Christmas Time
Maybe the holidays are to blame, but of late my teenage alter egos keep popping up.
Also, there is something about this time of year that makes me horny. More about that in a bit.
My inner-teenage-girl, who is usually quite nice, came out to play the other day, as she is wont to do, and so we watched Love Hard (pictured above), a rom-com about an L.A. writer who gets catfished and flies to the East Coast to meet her new “crush.”
Although the story was predictable, the characters were familiar, and at times the movie was, well, stupid, my inner-teenage-girl and I rather enjoyed it.
The story was good-hearted, the actors were appealing, and it was a bit smarter than most movies of its ilk (except for the stupid parts).
Shortly after the movie ended, my inner-teenage-boy, who is often quite naughty, came out to play and demanded to know more about the actress who plays “Chelsea,” the buxom, ditzy girlfriend of the protagonist’s brother.
The actress, we learned, is named Mikaela Hoover. Sure enough, she is yet another Hollywood starlet whose nude photos were “leaked” online.
So here you go:
Saints preserve me, but my inner-teenage-girl got me again. This time she insisted we watch In the Dark (below) a mystery/rom-com aimed at young girls (I presume) that originally aired on The CW and is now on Netflix.
The show is non-challenging, teen-girl comfort food for the soul. Its snarky, blind heroine investigates murders and annoys her pals. My outer grouchy-old-man could do without the jokes about strap-on sex toys and menstruation, but sometimes it’s a nice change to watch something pleasant with likeable characters. Something old-fashioned.
My inner-teenage-boy wanted to see In the Dark’s actresses nude, but, alas and alack, a Google search gave us a lump of coal.
Speaking of the holidays and my inner (horny) teenage boy … he and I happened to see this blond girl in ads for a Web site:
Among other things, the girl in this ad made me feel nostalgic.
When I was a lustful lad of 14 or so, I recall, one winter eve around Christmas time, the family was gathered in the living room near a cozy fire. A female relative (I won’t say which one), a few years older than me, entered the room, saw the family dog, and sprawled out on the floor to play with it. She was wearing an oversize T-shirt and not much else — just a pair of somewhat see-thru panties.
I, too, happened to be on the floor, and was fortuitously positioned behind this girl as she rubbed the dog’s belly. My view was … provoking. It looked very much like this:
Or like this (minus the dude):
The girl in the Craigslist ads has the same body type — even similar facial features — as my female relative. The picture below is old and just blurry enough that I think I can safely post it without revealing the relative’s identity, but here she is at the beach:
I submit this: Put yourself in my 14-year-old shoes. Kin or not, if this piece of ass offered you a spread-legged, rear-view crotch shot on the living-room floor, wouldn’t you take notice? I don’t recall if my horny-teen self was wearing pajamas. If so, I must have quietly sneaked out of the room, lest anyone see my newly acquired tentpole.
Santa would have known instantly if my thoughts were naughty or nice.
I wonder how many Karen Whites there are in this country. Must be tough to be a Karen White these days.
Quote of the Week
“I have to go back into the dating pool, and I’m pretty sure there’s pee in it.” — 90 Day: The Single Life’s Stephanie Matto (above).
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