Monthly Archives: December 2021

 

Simply, Having, a Hard-on at Christmas Time

 

Maybe the holidays are to blame, but of late my teenage alter egos keep popping up.

Also, there is something about this time of year that makes me horny. More about that in a bit.

 

My inner-teenage-girl, who is usually quite nice, came out to play the other day, as she is wont to do, and so we watched Love Hard (pictured above), a rom-com about an L.A. writer who gets catfished and flies to the East Coast to meet her new “crush.”

Although the story was predictable, the characters were familiar, and at times the movie was, well, stupid, my inner-teenage-girl and I rather enjoyed it.

The story was good-hearted, the actors were appealing, and it was a bit smarter than most movies of its ilk (except for the stupid parts).

 

Shortly after the movie ended, my inner-teenage-boy, who is often quite naughty, came out to play and demanded to know more about the actress who plays “Chelsea,” the buxom, ditzy girlfriend of the protagonist’s brother.

The actress, we learned, is named Mikaela Hoover. Sure enough, she is yet another Hollywood starlet whose nude photos were “leaked” online.

So here you go:

 

 

Saints preserve me, but my inner-teenage-girl got me again. This time she insisted we watch In the Dark (below) a mystery/rom-com aimed at young girls (I presume) that originally aired on The CW and is now on Netflix.

 

 

The show is non-challenging, teen-girl comfort food for the soul. Its snarky, blind heroine investigates murders and annoys her pals. My outer grouchy-old-man could do without the jokes about strap-on sex toys and menstruation, but sometimes it’s a nice change to watch something pleasant with likeable characters. Something old-fashioned.

My inner-teenage-boy wanted to see In the Dark’s actresses nude, but, alas and alack, a Google search gave us a lump of coal.

 

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Speaking of the holidays and my inner (horny) teenage boy … he and I happened to see this blond girl in ads for a Web site:

 

 

Among other things, the girl in this ad made me feel nostalgic. 

When I was a lustful lad of 14 or so, I recall, one winter eve around Christmas time, the family was gathered in the living room near a cozy fire. A female relative (I won’t say which one), a few years older than me, entered the room, saw the family dog, and sprawled out on the floor to play with it. She was wearing an oversize T-shirt and not much else — just a pair of somewhat see-thru panties.

I, too, happened to be on the floor, and was fortuitously positioned behind this girl as she rubbed the dog’s belly. My view was … provoking. It looked very much like this:

 

 

Or like this (minus the dude):

 

 

The girl in the Craigslist ads has the same body type — even similar facial features — as my female relative. The picture below is old and just blurry enough that I think I can safely post it without revealing the relative’s identity, but here she is at the beach:

 

 

I submit this: Put yourself in my 14-year-old shoes. Kin or not, if this piece of ass offered you a spread-legged, rear-view crotch shot on the living-room floor, wouldn’t you take notice? I don’t recall if my horny-teen self was wearing pajamas. If so, I must have quietly sneaked out of the room, lest anyone see my newly acquired tentpole.

Santa would have known instantly if my thoughts were naughty or nice.

 

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I wonder how many Karen Whites there are in this country. Must be tough to be a Karen White these days.

 

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Quote of the Week

 

“I have to go back into the dating pool, and I’m pretty sure there’s pee in it.”90 Day: The Single Life’s Stephanie Matto (above).

 

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I keep reading about the Republican “tsunami” expected to slam the country in the 2022 elections. This event, pundits say, will be in response to the unpopularity of progressive policies that are sweeping the country.

But those elections are 11 months from now. That gives Biden and pals nearly a year to do even more damage. Hundreds of thousands more illegal aliens. Months of rising inflation. Skyrocketing crime rates. More vaccine mandates and resulting job losses and ostracization of the holdouts. Censorship and jailing of conservatives. Etcetera.

Some say next year’s elections can’t come soon enough. I worry that they will simply be too late.

 

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I watch Fox News and then I watch the rest of mainstream media. The left has most of the pretty people. The left has the movie stars and rock stars and billionaires and scholars and journalists and scientists — all the people who excel at what society supposedly values. They are more well-spoken, literate, and attractive than what the right has to offer.

This, I fear, is what the average citizen responds to — shiny things.

Look at some leaders of the right: Chris Christie the blustery fat man; Mitch McConnell the boring tortoise; Lindsey Graham the snake-oil salesman; Sarah Palin the madwoman; uncool country-music stars; lunatic Ted Nugent; Donald Trump.

Then look at the left, and you will see people whose songs we like, actors who look great in movies, authors whose work we enjoy, pro jocks we admire.

If you don’t follow politics but you decide to vote anyway, who will you choose, Mike Huckabee or whichever pretty boy/girl the left picks to run?

 

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Oh, yeah. And if you are not the type to respond to shiny things, you might respond to threats from liberal-controlled institutions. It’s much easier to go with the flow than to butt heads with large corporations, the FBI, the CIA, or your local police department.

 

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Not sure who is worse, Frum or the spineless hypocrites who run Twitter:

 

 

And while we are pursuing these Nazi-like policies (yes, I said “Nazi-like”), why don’t we put the obese at the bottom of the treatment list, as well? After all, isn’t obesity their own fault?

 

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Because we are all about shapely female butts here at The Grouchy Editor, this week we take a gander at Finnish actress Lenita Susi (above far right). Susi stars in Sorjonen (Bordertown) on Netflix. It’s an odd detective series with a peculiar hero (he twitches a lot), yet it’s quite watchable. Weirdly watchable.

Nothing weird or odd or peculiar about Lenita or her yummy bare ass:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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by Agatha Christie

 

Darn the luck! I think I might have spoiled the “big twist” in Endless Night for myself by (stupidly) reading an article about the novel in which the writer likened it to one of Agatha Christie’s most famous books, which includes an ingenious surprise that is justly canonized in the annals of detective fiction. “Unreliable narrator,” anyone? Because I read that article before sitting down with Endless Night, I will never know how fooled I might have been by Christie’s clever narration.

And darn your luck. Because you are reading this post, I might have just spoiled the twist for you, as well.

Some of Christie’s best novels have nothing to do with Hercule Poirot, nothing to do with Miss Marple. Like And Then There Were None and Crooked House, Endless Night is a standalone that represents Christie at the top of her game.

(A plot synopsis here? Nah … I’ve already said too much.)

 

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Maybe there are more shows out there like this one, and I’m just not aware of them because I don’t seek them out. But as silly as its plot often is, and as incomprehensible as so much of its “science” appears to me, I still liked Lost in Space.

I didn’t watch it for the plot. I watched it in part for the cool settings, but mostly because I enjoyed the Robinsons (above) and their friends. The series, which concludes its third and final season on Netflix this month, has a combination that is increasingly rare: It’s a wholesome family show that doesn’t bore and doesn’t insult the intelligence. The dialogue is often witty. That’s good enough for me.

 

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So much for the wholesome stuff. Now on to the not-so-wholesome stuff:

 

 

“There’s a lot of reasons to shimmy and shake around here these days.”

“It’s exciting to watch you.”

— Fox on-air talent Charissa Thompson to two Miami Dolphins (above) in an interview last week.

 

I’m sure everyone in the NFL (and on the Internet) found plenty to shimmy and shake about watching Charissa shimmy and shake in her leaked sex videos:

 

 

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I’m old enough to remember when intimate videos and/or photos could bring down a female celebrity — like Miss America Vanessa Williams. Or at least to be a big-deal scandal — like Thompson co-worker Erin Andrews’s (Andrews and Thompson frolicking at the beach, above) hidden-cam exposure as she shook her bare booty in a hotel room:

 

 

Nowadays, naked videos are something you probably should add to your resume.

 

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Netflix Musings

 

True Story

 

True Story with Kevin Hart and Wesley Snipes is a bit predictable, sure, but mostly it’s a well-done thriller. I knew nothing about the behind-the-scenes machinations of big-time stand-up comedy, but now I feel that I do. (Aside from the murders, which I hope/assume are purely fictional.)

 

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Lost in Space

 

I had no idea that cutie-pie Taylor Russell, who quite convincingly portrays teenage Judy Robinson (above) on Lost in Space, is actually 27 years old.

So, we have no guilt about posting these screen captures of Russell’s fine derriere (and possibly one nipple?) in scenes from her 2019 movie, Waves:

 

 

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The Power of the Dog

 

Some reviewers of the new Jane Campion movie The Power of the Dog focus on its “toxic masculinity,” embodied in the film by Benedict Cumberbatch’s character.

I dislike the term “toxic masculinity” because it implies that all forms of masculinity are toxic. It suggests that the only acceptable forms of maleness are either gay or effeminate.

Screw that. I prefer to label the Cumberbatch character the old-fashioned way: he’s the bad guy.

 

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Good for the WTA, which has bigger balls than pro jocks Drew Brees, LeBron James, and everyone in the NBA combined.

 

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Promising Young Woman

 

The main reason to watch Promising Young Woman is Carey Mulligan, who shines as a damaged woman who goes to the dark side to avenge a friend’s gang rape and subsequent suicide. It’s a good film, but not a great one, I think because it tries too hard to juggle a serious topic with a desire to entertain. The muddled result is thought-provoking drama — but not too thought-provoking. Because, you know, that might be a downer. Release: 2020  Grade: B+

 

**

 

Nobody

 

With Nobody, Bob Odenkirk joins Liam Neeson and Keanu Reeves in the trendy late-career transition to that most unlikely of genres: the middle-aged man as action hero. Odenkirk plays a seemingly harmless everyman who, following a home-invasion that threatens his wife and kids, returns to his not-so-harmless roots.

What sinks the movie is its discordant tone. It begins like a Falling Down for a new generation, with Odenkirk in Michael Douglas’s role as the American white man who finds himself on the downswing of societal change. But once the big secret is revealed, Nobody goes from “take this serious” drama to a procession of violent, cartoonish set pieces — “hey, we’re just having fun here!”

Although a sequel is clearly on the minds of everyone involved with Nobody, I can only hope that Odenkirk finds something more suited to his talents. Something like Better Call Saul, maybe? Release: 2021  Grade: B

 

**

 

Insomnia

 

I liked the 2002 American remake of this movie, which starred Al Pacino as a cop with a checkered past who hunts a killer while battling his own demons — and a relentless midnight sun. I also enjoyed the original, with Stellan Skarsgard as the troubled cop, although the locale in the first film is northern Norway, not Alaska.

I guess a viewer’s preference might depend on which performance most intrigues: Skarsgard’s cold-as-ice inspector, or Pacino’s more emotional cop on the edge. I’ll give the nod to Norway’s version, if only because it came first. Release: 1997  Grade: B+

 

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So I suffered through Godzilla vs. Kong so that you don’t have to. And yes, I do expect some kind of reward.

I did this because, foolishly, I believed reviewers who claimed that, unlike so many big-budget monster movies, this one dispenses with any pretense toward character development or logic and gets straight to the good stuff.

Also, despite initial reservations, I enjoyed a few monster flicks like this in recent years, including Peter Jackson’s King Kong and 2014’s Godzilla.

Silly me.

As I endured the first 40 minutes or so of Godzilla vs. Kong, familiar patterns emerged:

 

  • Big-name actors were hired to remind us that yes, previously respected stars will spout cliched dialogue and go “ooh!” and go “aah!” any number of times — if the paycheck is big enough.
  • Characters include: a cute child; teenage nerds; women who are stronger/smarter than the men; arrogant men who must be humbled; society’s “weak” members who turn out to be heroes.
  • Characters who, although we don’t really care for them, we must care for them because, if they are kids they are orphans or, if they are adults their spouse/child has died.

 

Left to right: cute kid, nerds

 

OK, so the movie does deliver on its special effects. But no, it wasn’t worth sitting through all the dull exposition and pseudo-science talk meant to appeal to teenage science buffs. In the case of Godzilla vs. Kong, this talk includes mumbo jumbo about reverse gravity and journey-to-the-center-of-the-earth ecosystems — who knew there was sunshine, waterfalls, and floating asteroids way down there?

I’d go into the movie’s plot, but life is too short. I lost interest early on. Besides, the plot is just one long, ridiculous set-up to get to the special effects.

 

Eiza Gonzalez

 

There was a silver lining in the movie. My reward for sitting through it, I suppose. I had never heard of Mexican actress Eiza Gonzalez, who plays a bitchy cybernetics executive (uh-huh), so I Googled her. Turns out she has a stripper scene in the TV show From Dusk till Dawn: The Series. Here it is:

 

 

Apparently, Eiza also has a sex tape — unless it’s not really her in the grainy, blurry video. If you want to make the determination for yourself, here is a link.

 

Perhaps I was a bit harsh in this review. The final battle in Tokyo was fun. My advice is to fast-forward to the last 30 minutes of the film and enjoy. You won’t have missed anything important.

 

 

Director:  Adam Wingard  Cast:  Rebecca Hall, Alexander Skarsgard,  Millie Bobby Brown, Kyle Chandler, Demian Bichir, Brian Tyree Henry, Eiza Gonzalez  Release:  2021  Grade: C-

 

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