Ambler Alert Issued for Elderly Man
Mitford Mitkowski
By AL BORE, Associated Press
Last Update: August 21, 2010 – 5:55 AM
LAS VEGAS, Nevada – Investigators are combing hotels and casinos along the Las Vegas strip in search of a 65-year-old Southern California man who vanished after he was released from custody for not paying a bill for a meal. Investigators began their frantic search after calls went out for the man’s whereabouts by television personality Nancy Grace. Grace, the tough-talking fixture on cable news channel CNN, often takes an interest in the disappearances of unattractive, elderly men.
Mitford Mitkowski, a former toilet-lid salesman, was arrested last September at a restaurant in Malibu, California, because he did not have money to settle his check at a downscale truck stop. Mitkowski’s parents, Marvin and Millie Mitkowski, have been deceased for many years and could not be reached for comment.
In related news, police located several dozen attractive white females and 12 cute, gap-toothed children, all reported missing and all boarding the same plane to Buenos Aires. One of the missing persons, 9-year-old Amber Bamber, told authorities that all of them were trying to get as far away as possible from the United States.
“We just couldn’t take it anymore,” Bamber said, removing bubble gum from her mouth. “We wanted to move to a country far away from Nancy Grace, because her show reports us “missing” even if we are just walking down to the store. We can’t help it that we are so cute.”
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Yes, I know people were hurt. But I can’t help laughing at The Revenge of the Bull in Spain this week, in which the beast leaped into a crowd at a bullfight and scattered spectators like so many cowchips.
If you haven’t seen the video that I’m referring to, you can watch it here.
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Mitford is HOT! Nancy is NOT!