I went to the lake this afternoon – my childhood lake, Kandiyohi, in central Minnesota. I shot off firecrackers on the shore, and then boated through some wavy cattails.
This was all in my imagination, of course. I was actually in an air-conditioned movie theater, where they were showing Piranha in 3-D. The movie takes place at “Lake Victoria” in Arizona, and that got me reminiscing about Kandiyohi. After about 15 minutes of the movie, I couldn’t digest any more of the clunky, idiotic dialogue I was hearing, so I stopped listening and began to hear those firecrackers in my mind …. Ten minutes later, when I could no longer stomach the sight of third-rate actors and first-rate actors slumming, I stopped looking at the film. Instead, I began to see those cattails.
Periodically, I would stop daydreaming because something would catch my eye on the screen. One time, I was intrigued by the performance of an actress billed as “Girl Cut in Half,” who briefly displayed two enormous talents before, well, being cut in half.
A few other times, porn actress Riley Steele interrupted my reverie, once when she performed some kind of nude underwater ballet with Playboy model Kelly Brook, then again when she had to climb back onto the boat.
But mostly, I stayed on Kandiyohi Lake. Piranha’s plot, which you’ve seen a thousand times before, and its cast – unfathomably including the likes of Richard Dreyfuss, Elisabeth Shue, and Christopher Lloyd – and its 3-D effects, which ranged from mildly amusing to downright distracting, simply could not compete with those dreamy cattails and firecrackers in my head. Grade: C-
Director: Alexandre Aja Cast: Elisabeth Shue, Richard Dreyfuss, Ving Rhames, Christopher Lloyd, Jerry O’Connell, Kelly Brook, Riley Steele, Nancy Walters Release: 2010
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