The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant: Is it a courageous stand against body shaming, as the pageant managers would have us believe … or is it simply a splashy opportunity to objectify and sexually humiliate men?
We analyzed media coverage of the SPB to advance our theory that the contest is a clever ploy by women to dish out to men a taste of their own medicine. What do ladies really think about men with puny peckers? Here is an excerpt from an article by feminist writer Kristina Hansen:
“Men are often ridiculed by women if their penis does not meet a certain length when erect. I’ve personally heard many women, on many occasions, discussing their ex-partners penises and making fun of how small, tiny, or thin they were. How fucking his pinky toe would have been more pleasurable, or how they literally laughed in the guy’s face when they saw it for the first time.
These women enjoy shaming those men amongst others and cackling over hot cups of coffee in public coffee shops where anyone nearby can clearly hear what they are talking about. In fact, they enjoy knowing that others are hearing them and that the men they are shaming are not just confined to their table.”
**
So, you’re a female journalist and you’ve been assigned to cover The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant. You are aware that penis size is a sensitive issue for most men. How do you approach this pageant about male private parts?
We think most women regard this annual parade of small cocks as a curiosity and a lark. Many of them delight in the public unveiling of diminutive dicks — and the implied inadequacy of the men who own them. SPB’s display of mini-manhoods makes women all warm and fuzzy between the legs, because it confirms their belief that in the battle of the sexes, vaginas rule.
THE HEADLINES
Serena Dai of DNAinfo alerted readers to the exploitative nature of the pageant, and drove the point home on her Twitter page:
(For the record, contestant penises were not measured at the 2015 pageant. Also for the record, contestant penises were measured at the 2013 pageant, as pictured below.)
In what might have been the pageant’s most debasing moment, contestant “Rip van Dinkle” submitted to having his penis measured by judge Aimee Arciuolo in front of a crowd of hooting and laughing women, many of whom took pictures of the scene. In the picture above, pageant honcho Arciuolo uses a retractable ruler to measure his manhood for the crowd’s entertainment. Van Dinkle said that contestants were not informed ahead of time that this intimate event would occur in full view of the audience: “I was standing on the bar when I felt something rubbing against my penis. I looked down and there was Aimee, a big grin on her face, carefully measuring my penis with her ruler. The atmosphere was like a drunken sorority party, so I just let her do it. I had no idea there were so many people taking pictures. It wasn’t until I saw the pictures on the Internet that I noticed that Cyndi [Freeman] had also measured us.”
THE WRITERS
Callie Beusman in Jezebel:
“The small penis is a running joke in our culture.”
“Everyone bided their time by talkin’ about dicks, by speculating idly about whose penises we were going to behold.”
“Let’s see some small dicks!”
“Photographers were snapping with wild abandon. I tried to take a picture and someone with a stupid hat got in the way.”
“All the penises were pretty small – I think I would be remiss to not mention that.”
“What is it about the spectacle of a tiny penis that was so very compelling? I glanced out the door and saw that people were lined up on the street, peering in with curiosity, because the bar was over capacity.”
“The small penis is a running joke in our culture.”
“The confidence required to strut around, nearly completely naked, fully aware that your penis is completely unimpressive, seems impossible to muster.”
“It basically goes without saying that an event like this is compelling because of cheap beer and dicks in little tuxedos.”
**
Melissa Noble in The Blot Magazine:
“When genetics gifts you with a three-inch penis, you step into a sheer thong.”
“When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. When genetics gifts you with a three-inch penis, you step into a sheer thong and compete for a cash prize in Bushwick, Brooklyn.”
“The contest practices an open admission policy for any guy who’d like bragging rights and interesting Google search results for the rest of his virile life.”
**
Melissa Goldin in The Brooklyn Paper:
“Six short-membered men put their small schmeckles to the test.”
“Six short-membered men defied a cultural trend and put their small schmeckles to the test.”
“None of them were a big deal, and that was the cringe-worthy point.”
**
Danielle Furfaro in The Brooklyn Paper:
“Men with puny peckers … five guys and their miniscule members faced off.”
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Jodie Layne in Bustle:
“There’s a special kind of universal disdain that borders on hatred for those with small dicks.”
**
Alexa Lyons in COED:
“Because who doesn’t love being shamed for their nonexistent manhood in the middle of a bar?”
“Over 100 microscopic penises [sic] gathered in Brooklyn this past weekend to compete for the title of most sexually incompetent. Because who doesn’t love being shamed for their nonexistent manhood in the middle of a Star Wars-themed bar?”
**
Rose Surnow in Cosmopolitan:
“Judges measured their privates. It was truly a tiny affair.”
“All the men lined up on the bar wearing only sheer loin-cloths while the judges measured their privates. Staying in the 1-3 inch range, it was truly a tiny affair.”
“A group of blond girls calling themselves Penis Kittens sprayed the boys with cold water just to make sure nobody got excited.”
**
EJ Dickson in The Daily Dot:
“He suffered the dual shame of making a fool of himself and revealing to the world that he had a small penis.”
“Parading a bunch of tiny-phallused exhibitionists onstage for the amusement of inebriated hipsters might sound at best exploitative and at worst cruel.”
“When I ask if they would ever date someone who won a Small Penis competition, a group of women who had purchased VIP tickets laughs uproariously.”
“While small penises have recently enjoyed some extra attention, there’s still an obvious stigma associated with them.”
“If being subject to mockery or sexual humiliation isn’t the impetus for entering a small penis contest, what, then, could it be?”
“When his photos surfaced online, his friends in France recognized him and mocked him mercilessly … he suffered the dual shame of making a drunken fool of himself and revealing to the world that he had a small penis.”
“ ‘Come on, I wanna see small dick!’ a girl in a crop top yelled.”
**
Serena Dai in DNAinfo:
“Audience members kept asking to know the actual numerical size of the participants. This year’s event will show the men in all their glory.”
“Kings County Saloon’s third annual Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant next month will be measuring contestants’ length on stage. Rules about showing too much prevented the bar from allowing contestants to bare all in the past, but audience members kept asking to know the actual numerical size of the participants.
“This year’s event will offer costumes that will show the men in all their glory.”
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Nikki Gloudeman in Ravishly:
“I admit to laughing with girlfriends more than once over penis size.”
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Annie Georgia Greenberg in Refinery29:
“When we heard about the Smallest Penis Contest, we giggled.”
“When we heard about Kings County Bar’s first annual Smallest Penis Contest, we: 1. giggled, 2. got a little uncomfortable.”
“Spraying water guns at tighty whities or encouraging nudity in order to show off controversial bits seems to place a fundamentally questionable gaze (and therefore some sort of judgment) on a body part usually reserved for intimate moments.”
**
Meg Favreau in someecards:
“Some gentlemen have been flaunting their tiny packages.”
“Instead of being ashamed of their wee wanks, some gentlemen have been flaunting their tiny packages.”
“One dude, going by the name Rip van Dinkle, even traveled to Brooklyn just for the pageant. I guess that’s similar to how people travel … for American Idol tryouts, but your dick doesn’t get to be part of a nationally televised singing contest.”
**
Rachel Khona
“We came to giggle at tiny penises and the men who would actually show them off.”
**
Justine Goodman in Maxim:
“Do you have a small pecker?”
“Do you have a small pecker?”
“If you are in possession of a small wang, you owe it to yourself to enter; if only because this may be your only chance to meet girls who are game for a romp.”
“If you suffer from such an affliction, you’ve probably honed your other skills in the bedroom as a means of compensating for your, um, shortcomings.”
“If your schlong ain’t long AND you’re lazy in the sack, that’s called being a huge dick; not having one.”
“It takes massive balls to admit you have the smallest penis.”
**
Johanna King-Slutzky in Nerve:
“Eyeballing it, I’d guess nobody’s junk was over two inches.”
“Eyeballing it, I’d guess nobody’s junk was over two inches. Also of note, the tuxes didn’t cover any balls.”
“This time, the suit covers their balls; everyone’s junk looks just a little bit larger.”
**
Erin Calabrese and Kate Briquelet in the New York Post:
“Six cocky contestants showed off their Slim Jims … for a chance at gherkin-size glory.”
“Rip van Dinkle flew in from Minnesota to shake his shrimpy spigot before 100 onlookers.”
“Gilronan was crowned the ‘wiener’ with his mighty three-incher.”
**
Blogger Alicia
“If you held a contest for the smallest penis and the men WERE humiliated, the bar owners would make a shit load of money.”
New York writer Alicia asked Rip van Dinkle the following questions for a column on her Web site:
When did you realize you had a small penis?
Is your penis technically a micro penis?
Did women ever mention your small penis? What did they say?
Did boys in the locker room at school/camp notice your small penis?
Is this a fun event? Is it more about humiliation?
Have you gotten any dates because of your small penis?
What’s the best part of having a small penis? And the worst?
For an insider’s view of The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant, check out The Playboy Interview: Rip van Dinkle.
THE PHOTOGRAPHERS
Drunken girls with cellphone cameras weren’t the only ones snapping pictures of small dick at SPB. The professionals were on hand, including the women pictured below with their revealing shots of van Dinkle (click on the photos for full size).
Bobbie Chaset, aware of van Dinkle’s intention to flash the crowd, possibly alerted photographers, most of whom were armed and ready to capture the money shot.
Melanie Rieders
Photo by Melanie Rieders, Gothamist
Lauren Spinelli
Photo by Lauren Spinelli, Time Out New York
Bek Andersen
Photo by Bek Andersen, Cosmopolitan
THE JUDGES
Natalie Shure
“Now let’s tear up some dongs.”
**
Krystyna Hutchinson
“You could have a tiny dick and be a craftsman with your finger or your tongue.”
**
THE DICK WRANGLERS
Aimee Arciuolo and Bobbie Chaset
How do you get a man to pull down his pants in front of a bar full of hooting, picture-snapping women? You know, and he knows, that exposing his tiny manhood to public scrutiny is an invitation to ridicule and humiliation.
If you are pageant masterminds Aimee Arciuolo and Bobbie Chaset, how do you convince these guys to submit to a well-publicized emasculation? Try flattery. Then try it again. And downplay the humiliating aspects of his coming-out party. The tactic worked twice on Rip van Dinkle.
Bobbie Chaset
“Next year I am putting $100 of my own personal funds to get you out here.”
“Your penis will not ever be completely nude because of legality issues. I totally understand being nervous but honestly it is a lot more fun than you might expect!” – Bobbie to Rip in an early e-mail
Dinkle: If I was going to pay to attend a small-penis pageant, I would feel ripped off if I only saw big ones. Hopefully, I will not get cold feet and will correct that injustice at the end of my rap.
Chaset: Yes!!! Just remember everyone’s very excited to have you back including the press. Aimee and I have a lot of scheduled interviews! We’re mentioning you in all of them so I hope your name gets in the press soon!
Dinkle: When you have a small-penis pageant, small penises will be mocked …
Chaset: True!
Bobbie’s interview on Drew & Marc, a Detroit radio program:
D&M: Are you the emasculating woman who’s responsible for the smallest penis contest?
Chaset: If you’d like to say it that way, then yes.
Chaset: We are not actually showing the penis. The balls are out, but we do not show the penis. That is up to the contestant to flash us illegally if he wants to, which did happen last year, but technically none of us see the actual penis. You know, we make materials that are snug enough that we can kind of get an idea of what’s going on. Plus they have the swimwear competition where we wet them down with Super Soakers, so.
D&M: So the law is you can show the balls but you just can’t show the penis?
Chaset: Correct.
Chaset: In the swimsuit competition the Penis Kittens spray them down with Super Soakers.
D&M: So they are the opposite of fluffers.
Chaset: Yes.
D&M: The penis shrinkers.
Chaset: (giggles)
**
Aimee Arciuolo
“Our female friends are so excited.”
Kristina Hansen
“These women enjoy shaming men amongst others in public where anyone nearby can clearly hear what they are talking about. In fact, they enjoy knowing that others are hearing them [talk about] the men they are shaming.” — Hansen
“Our straight male friends have told me this is the worst idea ever, eyes rolling, huffy, puffy and insulted. Our female friends and regulars are so excited.” — Arciuolo
“Although it’s true that much of the pageant was a light-hearted, “feel good” event, there were also elements of sexual humiliation. During one portion of the pageant I was made to stand on a bar, wear a see-through loincloth, get hosed in the crotch by “penis kittens” wielding squirt guns, and then have my manhood measured by two women with rulers while the crowd watched and took pictures. By the next day, there were dozens of close-up photos of my two-inch penis getting measured by these smiling women, which were then posted on sites all over the Internet. Oh, and my face is clearly visible in many of the pictures. If you read the comments that accompany the stories and pictures from the pageant, it’s pretty obvious that a good portion of people were into the humiliation aspect, rather than the “feel good” aspect.” – van Dinkle on Alicia’s blog.
(Arciuolo measures van Dinkle; click for full-size)
Dinkle: Did you get the picture I sent?
Arciuolo: Yes sir! I’ll put you down for July 20 … Thank you!
Below, Rip’s penile humiliation = Aimee’s jubilation
Videos of The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant:
Part One of the 2013 pageant
Part Two of the 2013 pageant
Rolling Stone video of the 2015 pageant
Rip van Dinkle’s pageant story for Maxim
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