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08Apr

Reviews in Short: April 2016

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Trainwreck

Comedian-screenwriter Amy Schumer and director Judd Apatow try to please fans of modern gross-out humor — the twist is that, these days, it’s more often the girls than the boys who are delivering the gross-outs — and lovers of more traditional, fairy-tale romantic comedies with this movie about a cynical party animal (Schumer) who falls for a nerdy sports doctor (Bill Hader). The end product is a bit uneven, but the film’s heart is in the right place, its characters are likeable, and there are enough funny bits to make for an enjoyable two hours. Release: 2015 Grade: B

**

Dark

This psychological thriller about a New York model’s gradual descent into madness bears a strong resemblance to Repulsion, the 1965 classic from director Roman Polanski. But following an opening, steamy sex scene between stars Whitney Able and Alexandra Breckenridge, Dark’s slow-burn suspense dwindles to a snail’s pace, taking a long time to reach the climax. On the plus side, Able is quite good as the paranoid model, and it’s refreshing to absorb horror that takes place in the mind rather than in some blood-spattered setting. Release: 2015 Grade: B-

02Apr

The Weekly Review: March 27 – April 2

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“She’s so hot, she’s the leading cause of global warming.”

– The host of Red Eye introducing former Miss New York Joanne Nosuchinsky, pictured above.

*****

Politics!

I think hatred for Donald Trump has caused the entire staff of The Huffington Post to take leave of its senses. Someone at the Post has apparently issued an edict to writers that every story, no matter how trivial or innocuous, must contain the reporter’s opinion. If the story is about Trump, he must be decried as the devil incarnate.

**

No matter whom you support in this election – Bernie or Donald or Hillary or Ted – it would be nice if we could all agree that the way both parties are trying to rig their nominations stinks to high heaven. What’s the point of having citizens vote if a handful of D.C. hotshots pick the winning candidates? And isn’t it about time we rotated the schedule of state caucuses and primaries? I’m tired of ceding so much power to Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina.

*****

The best dumb blonde working today is a brunette: Fox News’s Joanne Nosuchinsky. Unlike other Barbie Dolls on cable news, Nosuchinsky doesn’t resist the dumb-blonde stereotype; she embraces it.

Sexist comment of the week occurred when the Red Eye panel discussed the unconventional casting of Broadway plays like Hamilton. Joanne didn’t object, she played along:

Tom Shillue: “Somebody who’s watching Joanne, they’re scribbling out a treatment for an all-female Revolutionary War [play].”

Rob Long: “We hope that’s what they’re scribbling. We never really know what they’re doing when they’re watching Joanne at home. I’m on Twitter, I see what happens on Twitter.”

Nosuchinsky: “Oh, no, you’re giving them ideas! Fix my skirt.” (adjusts her skirt)

Below, Nosuchinsky in her beauty-pageant days:

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(Click on any image for a larger view)

Below, Joanne explains why some rich men feel the need to boast:

31Mar

The Woman in White

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by Wilkie Collins

I do love me some Victorian literature. Dickens, Thackeray, the Brontes — masterful writers, all of them. The Woman in White, published in 1859 by England’s Wilkie Collins, is not one of my favorites from that era, but it does have its charms.

The plot: A pair of plucky Britons does battle with an evil Italian spy when the corpulent con artist attempts to swindle a young heiress by replacing her with a lookalike impostor.

What I liked: The lengthy melodrama was initially published in serial form, and it’s easy to see how magazine readers of the day got hooked. Collins is a master at building slow-burn suspense: It can be a bit of a slog on the way to a chapter’s climax but, once you get there, the payoff is often rewarding. Collins also introduces a villain for the ages in the egotistical, silver-tongued Count Fosco.

What I didn’t like: The youthful heroes aren’t nearly as interesting as the malevolent count. The beautiful heiress is typical of so many “damsels in distress” found in Victorian literature, a fragile specimen who faints at the slightest provocation and must be shielded from anything and everything remotely unpleasant. (She’s an apparent precursor to some of today’s college students, with their “trigger warnings” and “safe spaces.”) Here is one passage describing the precious snowflake that is Lady Glyde:

“The effect of the good news on poor Lady Glyde was, I grieve to say, quite overpowering. She was too weak to bear the violent reaction, and in another day or two she sank into a state of debility and depression which obliged her to keep her room. Rest and quiet, and change of air afterwards, were the best remedies which Mr. Dawson could suggest for her benefit.”

And that’s how she reacts to the good news.

26Mar

The Weekly Review: March 20 – 26

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**

*****

Quote of the Week:

“I had no idea that Trump and Pecker went back as far as they do.”

— MSNBC’s Chris Hayes, commenting on Donald Trump’s friendship with National Enquirer honcho David Pecker.

19Mar

The Weekly Review: March 13 – 19

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*****

Battle of the Sexists

Just when it looks as if the presidential campaign can’t possibly get any more juvenile … the nation must now prepare itself for what looks to be an epic battle between Hillary and Donald. In other words, boys against girls.

According to her detractors, Hillary wants to help everyone except white males. According to his detractors, Donald mostly wants to, uh, help attractive females. Toss in Melania, Monica, Megyn, and Bill, and this election should be the most fun any of us have had since we gave each other cooties in kindergarten.

(In the picture above, that’s Trump on the left, obviously. Not sure if the girl is Clinton or Fox anchor Megyn Kelly.)

*****

The so-called golden age of television seems to be in a creative lull – at least in terms of one-hour dramas and miniseries produced in the U.S.A. There are a few pretty good new shows (Billions, The People v. O. J. Simpson, et al), but nothing I’d call “must-see TV.”

Thank goodness for the British, at least this week, for giving us two dramatic treats: And Then There Were None on Lifetime (I know, I know – Lifetime? I can’t believe it either), and the second season of Happy Valley on Netflix. The former is my second-favorite adaptation of the classic Agatha Christie mystery. Lifetime’s British import (pictures above and at bottom) is gloomy, moody, and more faithful to the original novel, but I still give a slight edge to the 1945 movie, which is completely different in tone (light and fun), but oh-so-entertaining.

As for Happy Valley, I binge-watched all six episodes in one day, mostly for one reason: Sarah Lancashire (pictured below) absolutely rules as crime-fighting grandmother Catherine Cawood, a Yorkshire copper whose beat comprises a valley community that is anything but happy. Yes, I said “crime-fighting grandmother,” which in this case is nowhere near as precious as it sounds. We are not talking about Miss Marple. Click here to read my review of the first season.

12Mar

The Weekly Review: March 6 – 12

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Sure is a relief that America put all of its racial problems behind it in the 1960s … isn’t it?

*****

Instead of shutting down Trump rallies, I suggest we shut down this kind of thing:

*****

I don’t suppose Obama’s good news has anything to do with the current crop of idiots hoping to move into the White House.

*****

Trump can be very humble about his good qualities. After all, he admits that Lincoln might be more presidential, and that the Bible might be better than Trump: The Art of the Deal. But as this wacky article from The Daily Beast demonstrates, no one is more entertaining than Trump when he pops up in your dreams.

*****

Louis C.K.’s courageous stand

A summary of the comedian’s political advice to his followers this week:

Trump is Hitler, but I don’t want to lose any conservative fans, so I recommend that you vote for that bold and fresh Republican voice, John Kasich.

Then again, I can’t really blame Louis for speaking out. This is easily the craziest presidential election process that I’ve ever witnessed, and I’ve voted in all of them since 1976. But geez … John Kasich?

07Mar

Reviews in Short: March 2016

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Unfriended

For anyone who’s ever been creeped out by an anonymous lurker, or a troll, on the Internet, Unfriended will hit home – at least for the first half of the movie, in which a small group of tech-savvy teens find their Skype call invaded by an unwelcome visitor. Unfortunately, events that follow – involving a ghost and some vicious online behavior – grow more and more ridiculous. If nothing else, the movie, which occurs entirely online, is a good primer for novice users of Instagram, Facebook, and other sites where the kids hang out. Release: 2015 Grade: B-

05Mar

The Weekly Review: February 28 – March 5

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Like everyone else in America, I was moved to tears when much-maligned Leo DiCaprio was finally recognized by his peers with an Oscar for his role in The Revenant.

What made Leo’s acceptance speech so memorable was the moment we were all pining for: Leo’s sage advice to the little people to do not as he does, but as he says, and to strive hard to combat global warming.

OK, that’s a bit unfair. We understand, Leo, that you give a lot of time, energy, and bucks to promote the cause. But don’t you think it also might help if you set a better example in your personal life?

*****

Downton Abbey ends tomorrow, and it seems to be going out not with a bang, but with a whimper — probably because it’s one of those series that overstayed its welcome by a season or two. Nevertheless, I’m sorry to see the old gang go.

Pictured above is either the cast of Downton Abbey, or a diverse gathering from one of Donald Trump’s rallies.

*****

Since penis size was the highlight of the most recent Republican debate, I believe I speak for the entire country when I say that we are all looking forward to Hillary and Donald debating the merits of her fat ass versus his big dick.

27Feb

The Weekly Review: February 21 – 27

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Physical Appearance Week!

He sweats a lot. He pissed in his pants. She’s too fat. He’s got huge ears.

This is why we haven’t been contacted by visitors from other planets. They know that the first thing we’ll do is judge their appearance. God knows I would never do such a thing. I’m just here to help. Here are some helpful suggestions:

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Donald Trump needs to stay away from the tanning booth. Or the spray can, or whatever the hell it is that he uses. He’s beginning to resemble “Tan Mom.”

**

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Black Sails Vikings

The heroes on shows like Black Sails and Vikings: I’m pretty sure that real Vikings and real pirates did not look like this. These dudes must be replaced, because they look like male models from the year 2016.

**

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Cheryl Tiegs caught hell for criticizing a fat girl who modeled for Sports Illustrated. Tiegs was right. The fat model is unhealthy, unsightly, and a bad role model. I might change my mind if the fat defenders would come out in support of smokers, but they don’t, so the hell with them. They are unhappy because society won’t embrace their desire to pig out on ice cream.

Below, Sports Illustrated “plus-size” model Ashley Graham strikes a cheeky pose … or perhaps not.

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*****

I don’t understand the fuss over Donald Trump’s misspellings on Twitter. Trump did, after all, inform us that he loves the “poorly educated.”

20Feb

The Weekly Review: February 14 – 20

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I rarely watch the Grammys. The last time might have been in 2010, when Taylor Swift stunk up the joint singing an off-key duet with Stevie Nicks (below). On Sunday, I tuned in again, just in time to hear Adele stink up the joint with her off-key singing. I really need to stop watching the Grammys.

*****

I was shocked by FX’s decision to have a character do something naughty on the most recent episode of The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story. Actress Sarah Paulson, playing Marcia Clark, had … wait, what’s this? Folks were upset because she uttered a curse word?

Silly me. I had mistakenly assumed that everyone was upset because Paulson/Clark was repeatedly shown doing something much more horrific than cursing: smoking a cigarette.

*****

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“GOP presidential frontrunner Donald Trump inspects his own shriveled manhood after taking a shower.”

“Artist Illma Gore … actually drew Trump and his popcorn shrimp in all of its majestic glory.”

“The rendering of the blowhard Oompa Loompa’s thimble dick is titled ‘Make America Great Again.’”

— Maggie Serota (above left) of Death and Taxes, commenting on an Internet “portrait” (above right) of Donald Trump.

“Shriveled manhood?” “Popcorn shrimp?” “Thimble dick?”

What’s all this grumbling I hear about poor Hillary Clinton, as the only female presidential candidate, being unfairly judged on her looks?

*****

The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show — Isn’t it bad enough that we have One Percenters owning and running the country? Must we have One Percent dogs, as well?