The Grouchy Editor

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Battle of the Sexists

Just when it looks as if the presidential campaign can’t possibly get any more juvenile … the nation must now prepare itself for what looks to be an epic battle between Hillary and Donald. In other words, boys against girls.

According to her detractors, Hillary wants to help everyone except white males. According to his detractors, Donald mostly wants to, uh, help attractive females. Toss in Melania, Monica, Megyn, and Bill, and this election should be the most fun any of us have had since we gave each other cooties in kindergarten.

(In the picture above, that’s Trump on the left, obviously. Not sure if the girl is Clinton or Fox anchor Megyn Kelly.)

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The so-called golden age of television seems to be in a creative lull – at least in terms of one-hour dramas and miniseries produced in the U.S.A. There are a few pretty good new shows (Billions, The People v. O. J. Simpson, et al), but nothing I’d call “must-see TV.”

Thank goodness for the British, at least this week, for giving us two dramatic treats: And Then There Were None on Lifetime (I know, I know – Lifetime? I can’t believe it either), and the second season of Happy Valley on Netflix. The former is my second-favorite adaptation of the classic Agatha Christie mystery. Lifetime’s British import (pictures above and at bottom) is gloomy, moody, and more faithful to the original novel, but I still give a slight edge to the 1945 movie, which is completely different in tone (light and fun), but oh-so-entertaining.

As for Happy Valley, I binge-watched all six episodes in one day, mostly for one reason: Sarah Lancashire (pictured below) absolutely rules as crime-fighting grandmother Catherine Cawood, a Yorkshire copper whose beat comprises a valley community that is anything but happy. Yes, I said “crime-fighting grandmother,” which in this case is nowhere near as precious as it sounds. We are not talking about Miss Marple. Click here to read my review of the first season.

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Sure is a relief that America put all of its racial problems behind it in the 1960s … isn’t it?

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Instead of shutting down Trump rallies, I suggest we shut down this kind of thing:

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I don’t suppose Obama’s good news has anything to do with the current crop of idiots hoping to move into the White House.

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Trump can be very humble about his good qualities. After all, he admits that Lincoln might be more presidential, and that the Bible might be better than Trump: The Art of the Deal. But as this wacky article from The Daily Beast demonstrates, no one is more entertaining than Trump when he pops up in your dreams.

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Louis C.K.’s courageous stand

A summary of the comedian’s political advice to his followers this week:

Trump is Hitler, but I don’t want to lose any conservative fans, so I recommend that you vote for that bold and fresh Republican voice, John Kasich.

Then again, I can’t really blame Louis for speaking out. This is easily the craziest presidential election process that I’ve ever witnessed, and I’ve voted in all of them since 1976. But geez … John Kasich?

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Like everyone else in America, I was moved to tears when much-maligned Leo DiCaprio was finally recognized by his peers with an Oscar for his role in The Revenant.

What made Leo’s acceptance speech so memorable was the moment we were all pining for: Leo’s sage advice to the little people to do not as he does, but as he says, and to strive hard to combat global warming.

OK, that’s a bit unfair. We understand, Leo, that you give a lot of time, energy, and bucks to promote the cause. But don’t you think it also might help if you set a better example in your personal life?

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Downton Abbey ends tomorrow, and it seems to be going out not with a bang, but with a whimper — probably because it’s one of those series that overstayed its welcome by a season or two. Nevertheless, I’m sorry to see the old gang go.

Pictured above is either the cast of Downton Abbey, or a diverse gathering from one of Donald Trump’s rallies.

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Since penis size was the highlight of the most recent Republican debate, I believe I speak for the entire country when I say that we are all looking forward to Hillary and Donald debating the merits of her fat ass versus his big dick.

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Physical Appearance Week!

He sweats a lot. He pissed in his pants. She’s too fat. He’s got huge ears.

This is why we haven’t been contacted by visitors from other planets. They know that the first thing we’ll do is judge their appearance. God knows I would never do such a thing. I’m just here to help. Here are some helpful suggestions:

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Donald Trump needs to stay away from the tanning booth. Or the spray can, or whatever the hell it is that he uses. He’s beginning to resemble “Tan Mom.”

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                                  Black Sails                                          Vikings

The heroes on shows like Black Sails and Vikings:  I’m pretty sure that real Vikings and real pirates did not look like this. These dudes must be replaced, because they look like male models from the year 2016.

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Cheryl Tiegs caught hell for criticizing a fat girl who modeled for Sports Illustrated. Tiegs was right. The fat model is unhealthy, unsightly, and a bad role model. I might change my mind if the fat defenders would come out in support of smokers, but they don’t, so the hell with them. They are unhappy because society won’t embrace their desire to pig out on ice cream.

Below, Sports Illustrated “plus-size” model Ashley Graham strikes a cheeky pose … or perhaps not.

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I don’t understand the fuss over Donald Trump’s misspellings on Twitter. Trump did, after all, inform us that he loves the “poorly educated.”

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A Tribute to Ben Carszzzzzzzzzzzzzz …

Apologies to Donald Trump, but with knife fights, a trip to Florida to get fresh-laundered clothes, and a botched entrance at the Republican debate, sleepy-eyed Ben Carson gets our vote for “Entertaining Candidate of the Year.”

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The villainous Martin Shkreli reminded me of someone, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. And then it came to me:

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Not sure why this dumb video amuses me so much, but it does.

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The Good News:  Craig Ferguson is back with a new panel show on History channel.

The Bad News:  The show is only on once a week. For just 30 minutes per episode. That’s not enough Craig Ferguson.

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This week, I learned the significance of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out). People kept posting about “Bernie Sandwiches” and “Puppy Monkey Baby,” and I had no idea what they were going on about.

Now I know, and since I don’t know how to channel my feelings about the Puppy Monkey Baby, I’ll just make you look at this:

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