How to Build the Perfect Candidate:

 

Monster

 

Hillary’s brain; Bernie’s heart; Donald’s balls; Marco’s boots — voila!

 

*****

 

Why is it that we so often hear Bernie Sanders described as “an old white man,” but we never hear Hillary Clinton described as “an old white woman”? Sanders is, after all, just six years senior to Clinton.

 

*****

 

Scott

 

“Frey helped the Eagles soar, one of the world’s best-selling bands, with 150 million albums, before the Eagles broke up in 1980.” – Scott Pelley on Monday’s news.

 

Pretty impressive. Especially when you consider the Beatles only had 12 studio albums.

 

*****

 

From The Huffington Post:

 

Culture

 

Doesn’t the subject of the second story solve the problem presented in the first story?

 

*****

 

So now they are saying that Putin might be a pedophile. I’ve suspected that for years, ever since this bizarre photo surfaced:

 

Putin

 

I suppose I should stop publishing this picture. Now I’ll have to hire a food taster.

 

*****

 

I live in the frozen tundra, so I felt the need to make my own contribution to the “ice pants” craze currently sweeping the Midwest. Just one catch: My pants aren’t frozen; they always look like this.

 

.                Pants1      Pants2

 

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Mad Max: Fury Road

grouchyeditor.com Fury

 

Director George Miller returns to post-apocalyptic Australia to deliver a two-hour cartoon that looks really cool, but which has very little to engage the mind. That’s a fine thing if you’re 12 years old, but some of us geezers recall a time when big-budget action flicks at least made a token effort to provide the semblance of a plot, or one or two characters who do more than grunt their lines. But if all you require is a movie with spectacular chase scenes and things that go boom, this ought to more than satisfy you.  Release: 2015  Grade: B-

 

*****

 

Black Sheep

Sheep

 

Genetic engineering goes wrong, turning thousands of harmless sheep into bloodthirsty beasts as they run amok in the New Zealand countryside. It’s not quite as funny as it sounds – there’s too much emphasis on gore and special effects, not enough on the (sorry) sheer lunacy of actual sheep on a killer rampage. Then again, the image of hundreds of corpulent sheep congregating on a hilltop, preparing to attack like the schoolyard crows in The Birds, still brings a smile to my face. Release: 2006  Grade: B-

 

*****

 

The Imitation Game

grouchyeditor.com Imitation

 

After watching this movie and then doing some research on the real-life people and events that inspired it, I felt much the same way that I felt years ago after reading James Frey’s infamous “memoir,” A Million Little Pieces: Yes, it was a bummer to learn that the film (or book) took so many liberties with reality – but I liked it anyway.

Is it fair to criticize the makers of The Imitation Game for altering the story of Alan Turing, the gay, brilliant mathematician who was instrumental in cracking a Nazi code during World War II? I think it is, especially when the movie opens with the standard “based on a true story” tagline, and especially when the names of real people are retained. If you can shrug off that “artistic license,” though, Benedict Cumberbatch’s performance as Turing and the inherent suspense of the story make for a touching, powerful drama.  Release: 2014   Grade: B+

 

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grouchyeditor.com Walsh

 

The Curse of the Kicker’s Toe

 

“God, I think, sometimes decides, ‘I think this team should win today.’ I don’t know why he’s picking on the Vikings, but he did.” – Hall of Fame quarterback Fran Tarkenton on Minnesota’s most recent debacle, a 10-9 playoff loss to Seattle

“The good people of Minnesota are in pain this morning. That is nothing compared to the pain of Blair Walsh.”Sports Illustrated writer Peter King on Walsh’s game-losing 27-yard field goal miss

 

Tarkenton is right and King is wrong. You can talk all day about the Curse of the Bambino or the Curse of the Billy Goat, but no one is more accursed than the Vikings fan, who endures what might be called the Curse of the Kicker’s Toe.

Blair Walsh was born and raised in Florida. Until he was signed by the team, he had no particular interest in the Minnesota Vikings. He was not in Metropolitan Stadium in 1975 (as your humble scribe was) to witness the infamous “Hail Mary” pass that defeated Tarkenton and his Viking teammates. Nor was Walsh in the stadium in January, 1999, when kicker Gary Anderson missed a 39-yard field goal (below) that would have sent Minnesota to the Super Bowl. The list of soul-crushing big-game losses goes on and on.

 

Gary

 

Blair Walsh can take his lucrative contract money and console himself on some beach in Tahiti. Blair Walsh might be unhappy today, but he has not experienced decades of gridiron failure. The Vikings fan, on the other hand, has the remainder of the frigid Minnesota winter to contemplate what might have happened to so offend the football gods.

In my opinion, the Curse of the Kicker’s Toe began on that cold December day in 1975 in Metropolitan Stadium, when Minnesota battled Dallas. After the contested Hail Mary pass, an enraged Vikings fan tossed a whiskey bottle at referee Armen Terzian, knocking him out cold. After the game, Tarkenton learned that his father had died of a heart attack while watching the game on television. Just before that bit of bad news, and just after the big loss, the famous quarterback shook hands with a drunken teenager he encountered in the stadium parking lot, an ominous event that I believe triggered the Curse of the Kicker’s Toe.

I believe this because I was that drunken teenager, and as I shook Tarkenton’s hand, I could see a haunted look in his eyes: the curse had begun.

 

*****

 

Tantaros2

 

“I applaud your intellectual honesty.” – Andrea Tantaros, pictured above and below, to a fellow Mensa member on Outnumbered, the Fox show that I always turn to for intellectual discourse.

 

Tantaros

 

*****

 

I see there are calls for the mayor of Chicago and the governor of Michigan to resign. When most of us get caught misbehaving, we get fired from our jobs or go to jail. But when you attain a certain level of power and influence, you rarely go to jail and you never get fired. You are asked to “resign,” as if you simply got tired of your job and decided to look for something better.

 

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grouchyeditor.com Avery

 

Final thoughts on Making a Murderer

 

This docuseries is making all of us look bad: Wisconsin’s legal system looks inept at best, corrupt at worst. Netflix and its lesbian filmmakers look bad for peddling such a one-sided documentary. Steven Avery looks guilty as sin. Millions of viewers look foolish for rushing to judgment. The media looks … well, we all know how the media looks.

 

*****

 

And this is why critics have a point when they say celebrities should keep their traps shut when it comes to controversial issues:

 

grouchyeditor.com Gervais

 

 

*****

 

I have yet to see the new Star Wars movie, but I am told that Oprah makes a memorable cameo appearance.

 

grouchyeditor.com Oprah

 

*****

 

Our little city in the Midwest plays host tomorrow to what could be the coldest NFL playoff game in history. They say the temperature at game time could be below zero. They say that this deep freeze, which we Minnesotans endure yearly, “builds character.” But what sort of “character” is that – the sort that enjoys being tied to a bed and tortured with whips and chains?

 

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grouchyeditor.com Netflix

 

A funny thing happened while I was binge-watching Making a Murderer, Netflix’s ballyhooed docuseries about Steven Avery, the Wisconsin man who was convicted of sexual assault, exonerated 18 years later by DNA evidence, only to be convicted a second time, this time for a murder. After being sucked in by eight (of ten) engrossing episodes about Avery and the evidently corrupt Wisconsin legal system, I decided to take a break from my marathon viewing to do a little outside research.

And just like that, I went from disbelief and outright anger over Avery’s raw deal to, if not support of Wisconsin law enforcement, at least some benefit of the doubt.

Yes, the unsophisticated cops and prosecutors in the Badger State still seemed like the “bad guys”: tainting evidence, misleading the public, and twisting facts in their single-minded determination to nail the pugnacious Avery, not once but twice. But I began to feel like the producers of Making a Murderer were also tainting evidence, misleading the public, and twisting facts in their single-minded determination to absolve Avery and his co-defendant, 16-year-old Brendan Dassey.

The biggest problem I had, and still have, is with the murder that occurred in 2005.  If Avery and Dassey didn’t do it, then who did, and why?

Part of what makes this series so fascinating is the long, strange saga of Avery and his legal adversaries (filmmakers Laura Ricciardi and Moira Demos spent ten years making this docuseries). In 1985, Avery was convicted for the sexual assault of a female jogger. In 2003, DNA evidence proved conclusively that he was innocent of that crime. Just two years after his release from an 18-year stay in prison, he was again accused, this time of the murder of a free-lance photographer who was last seen taking pictures on his property.

Avery seemed a likely suspect, but Ricciardi and Demos make it abundantly clear that Manitowoc County officials had strong motivation to see the ex-convict behind bars again, in part because he was suing the county for millions over his wrongful imprisonment. Time and again, Ricciardi and Demos expose cops and prosecutors behaving either unethically, or illegally, in their zeal to nail Avery.

But again, who killed 25-year-old Teresa Halbach, the photographer who disappeared after visiting the Avery family scrapyard? There are no clear answers. Avery’s own lawyers seem unsure of his guilt or innocence. I went from initially feeling pity for Avery to wondering if he was just a wily ex-convict, gaming everyone in his orbit — including the filmmakers.

I did some reading (here and here, for starters), and it appears that Ricciardi and Demos might well be guilty of the same sin they pin so vividly on Wisconsin officials: bending the facts to suit a predetermined result. In Making a Murderer, Wisconsin cops and prosecutors appear crooked or incompetent, but we only hear from them in the courtroom or at press conferences, often looking shifty-eyed and with ominous music playing in the background. Avery family members, on the other hand, are interviewed extensively, appearing teary-eyed and with mournful music on the soundtrack. Avery defense attorneys are presented as crusading heroes; lead prosecutor Ken Kratz is presented as an arrogant pervert. Clearly, Kratz and other Wisconsin officials behaved atrociously – but does that necessarily mean they got the wrong guy?

As a civics lesson – and as a deterrent to ever, ever getting swept into the criminal justice system – Making a Murderer is must-see television. It will fill you with righteous indignation. If you like to find out the truth, it will also frustrate you.

 

Grades

Entertainment Value:  A

Civics Class Value:  A

Journalism Class Value:  C- 

 

 

Avery

 Steven Avery – railroaded country boy, or Wisconsin’s latest Jeffrey Dahmer?

 

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Universe

 

Bah Humbugs

 

I’m tired of television news’s obsession with everything that goes “viral” on the Internet. Just because the Web is an unfiltered cesspool of bullshit and bad taste, must TV follow suit?

Steve Harvey’s screw-up at the Miss Universe pageant was mildly amusing, but it “went viral,” and so was broadcast endlessly on every television newscast from coast to coast. News directors, please get a grip.

 

*****

 

TCM

 

Aside from airing great movies, the best thing about TCM is that it’s a refuge from the onslaught of commercials we get on every other basic-cable channel. TCM’s new “wine club” spots look an awful lot like commercials to me. Go ahead, TCM, ruin a good thing.

 

*****

 

Bellantoni

 

“I think a lot of people are feeling that, right now, like this is the conversation that we’re having in America, about who wants to lead the free world?” — reporter Christina Bellantoni lamenting the level to which the Trump-driven political debate has sunk.

Bellantoni was referencing Hillary Clinton’s now-famous bathroom break and Donald Trump’s subsequent rude comments, but it could be worse. We could be discussing our prime minister having sex with a pig’s head.

 

*****

 

Jennifer Lawrence is opening a new movie about the inventor of the Miracle Mop. I understand that sex sells, but I still don’t feel that this poster is appropriate:

 

Joy

 

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Wars

 

“I am telling you, this movie is stupid.” – Neil Cavuto, decrying the ridiculous hype over Star Wars.

 

It’s not often that I agree with the pig man, but Cavuto’s right. It would be nice if the media would stop indulging the millions of arrested-development fans of this silly series.

 

*****

 

. Moranis Marquez

.                          Rick Moranis                                                          Enrique Marquez

 

I can’t be the only one who saw pictures of alleged terrorism conspirator Enrique Marquez, above right, and thought that the feds had arrested Rick Moranis, above left.

 

*****

 

Gutfeld

 

Why is it that our biggest warmongers are so often spineless little twerps like Greg Gutfeld? Gutfeld, one of the shrillest of Fox voices, is forever demanding troops on the ground, or more bombing, or whatever. Meanwhile, the diminutive dimwit looks as if he’d have trouble defending himself against a puff of wind.

 

*****

 

Here’s a picture and headline leading in to a Huffington Post story about that harmless little activity, the consumption of alcohol. Smiling, attractive young people relaxing on a picture-perfect day …

 

Hypocrites

 

Can you imagine the same lead-in to a story about smokers and smoking?

 

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by Ted Koppel

Lights

 

As if this country doesn’t have enough to worry about, what with strained race relations, domestic terrorism, war in the Middle East, and income disparity, along comes doom-and-gloom Ted Koppel to issue a warning about what might be our biggest existential threat: a cyberattack on the nation’s power grids. In Lights Out, Koppel interviews security experts both in and out of government and makes a convincing case that should some rogue nation – or even a small band of hackers – choose to shut down our computer-reliant electrical system, the ensuing crisis could resemble … well, have you seen Mad Max?

A large chunk of America without power for weeks or even months is a frightening scenario, and probably another case of “when it happens,” not “if it happens.” And when it does, the United States is woefully unprepared. Much of our unpreparedness boils down to that old bugaboo, privacy vs. security. How much of the former are we willing to sacrifice in order to achieve the latter? The conundrum reminds me of the death penalty, another issue over which I’m an admitted hypocrite. I am against the death penalty – until someone I care about gets butchered by some remorseless jerk. I am also against government intrusion into my Internet life – until hackers black out the entire Midwest.

Koppel’s advice isn’t particularly helpful or practical: Government and individuals must be better prepared. Feel better now? Should the worst happen, I’m thinking your best course of action is to befriend a Mormon family, move in with them in Utah – and bring a gun.

 

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Fitzgerald1

 

Bad Mouthing, Bad Manners, and Bad Hair

 

Pictured above is former FBI profiler James R. Fitzgerald, whose hair fascinates me.

Fitzgerald was Erin Burnett’s guest on Tuesday, discussing the San Bernardino killer couple, but I didn’t register anything he said. I was much too distracted by that hair.

 

*****

 

All branches of the military open to women? Sounds good. Now let’s make sure that all women also register for the draft.

 

*****

 

Cuomo

 

“Listening is always your best friend.” – Chris Cuomo, above, crowing about his interview skills with Donald Trump.

I listened to that interview, and I stopped counting after Cuomo had interrupted Trump 10 times in the first 8 minutes.

 

*****

 

Peters

 

“I mean, this guy is such a total pussy, it’s stunning.” – Retired Lt. Col. Ralph Peters, above, voicing his displeasure with Obama on Fox News.

Coming from a guy who speaks with a castrato voice, I’d say that Peters probably knows whereof he speaks.

 

*****

 

Martian

 

Good call on The Martian, Golden Globes, because as I watched the movie I was constantly either chuckling at the jokes or humming along to the catchy tunes.

 

*****

 

And finally, I visited James R. Fitzgerald’s Web site because I wanted to see more pictures of his hair:

 

Fitzgerald2

 

 

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Ex Machina

grouchyeditor.com Machina

 

Take “Hal” from 2001: A Space Odyssey — or any of the replicants from Blade Runner — toss him (or her) into the plot of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, and you’ll get something akin to this cautionary tale about a reclusive genius and his latest project: a doe-eyed android named Ava. The question is: Just how “human” is Ava?

Writer-director Alex Garland (Sunshine, Never Let Me Go) delivers a visually striking, dreamlike motion picture — although the characters are a miserable lot, the tone is oppressive, and at times the story drags. Still, this is thought-provoking science fiction, mostly because it’s such a plausible glimpse at our future.  Release: 2015  Grade: B+

 

grouchyeditor.com Machina

 

**

 

Phoenix

grouchyeditor.com Phoenix

 

A presumed-dead Holocaust survivor (Nina Hoss), shot in the head, has facial reconstruction surgery and returns home to her husband – but he fails to recognize her. Oh, and he might have betrayed her to the Nazis. Absorbing and suspenseful, Phoenix raises memories of Hitchcock’s Vertigo, with its haunted tone and themes of fantasy and identity.  

I do have two minor complaints.  The plot suffers from what I call Agatha Christie Syndrome:  People who really ought to recognize someone, do not (or vice versa). And I don’t understand why romantic mood-pieces like this one, which cry out for a musical score, eschew them. Release: 2014  Grade: B

 

**

 

Welcome to New York

grouchyeditor.com Welcome

 

Abel Ferrara’s thinly veiled account of the alleged sexual assault of an immigrant chambermaid by French politician Dominique Strauss-Kahn is an intriguing, if not particularly powerful, docudrama. It’s not easy to be repulsed by a hedonistic, unrepentant rich man when he’s portrayed by an actor as charming as Gerard Depardieu. But it’s always fascinating to see how the world’s elite behave and misbehave – whether or not that behavior is real or the product of a screenwriter’s imagination. Release: 2014 Grade: B

 

**

 

American Sniper

grouchyeditor.com Sniper

 

I lost all faith in the veracity of war movies “based on a true story” back in 2003 when the military and NBC (Saving Jessica Lynch) sold us a bill of goods about the saga of Jessica Lynch, so I have no clue how faithful Sniper is to the life of Navy sharpshooter Chris Kyle. I doubt that the real Kyle was as charismatic as Bradley Cooper is in this controversial take on U.S. involvement in the Middle East. But old pro Clint Eastwood knows how to stage a tense, suspenseful battle sequence, and his movie is certainly thought-provoking. Release: 2014 Grade: B

 

**

 

The Girl

grouchyeditor.com Hedren

 

Toby Jones is superb as Alfred Hitchcock and, surprisingly (to me, at least), Sienna Miller is more than his match as Tippi Hedren, the Minnesota model whom Hitchcock turned into a movie star, in the process becoming dangerously obsessed with her. I have no idea how closely The Girl adheres to reality, but as a beauty and the beast docudrama, it’s much better than I expected.  How does it compare to Hitchcock, the Anthony Hopkins vehicle that also came out in 2012? This is better because, like so many of Hitchcock’s movies, it’s absorbing and deliciously twisted. Release: 2012  Grade: A-

 

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