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01May

What the Dog Saw

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by Malcolm Gladwell

How much you enjoy the essays in Malcolm Gladwell’s What the Dog Saw could depend on how much you care about whichever subject he’s discussing. The New Yorker journalist gets praised for the clarity of his prose, but to me it doesn’t matter how accessible the writing is when the topic is ketchup. I still fall asleep.

I am also unmoved by Gladwell’s stories about successfully marketing hair dye and vegetable slicers and the masterminds behind their advertising campaigns. Sorry, but a tag-team of Stephen King and J. K. Rowling would fail to hold my interest if the topic is peddling mustard.

On the other hand, when Gladwell turns his attention to the psychology of criminal profiling, or to the root cause of homelessness, his counterintuitive conclusions are often surprising and sometimes enlightening.

30Apr

The Weekly Review: April 24 – 30

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“Congress wants to bail out Puerto Rico with Teresa’s retirement savings.” — Center for Individual Freedom ad, pictured above

Cool. Better Teresa than the rest of us.

*****

For some reason, BuzzFeed unleashed this horror upon the world:

*****

Either The Huffington Post is still looking for a few good proofreaders, or the term “red state” has been replaced by “orange country” in deference to Trump’s head.

*****

John Kasich is like the lump of dog turd that you simply cannot dislodge from the bottom of your tennis shoe, no matter how much you shake, scrape, or jiggle.

*****

If you’re looking for laughs, I recommend old episodes of Trigger Happy TV on YouTube. The creative genius behind this short-lived British series, Dom Joly (above), must be related to the knuckleheads on TruTV’s Impractical Jokers. Click here to visit the YouTube page.

*****

From time to time, The Grouch gets unsolicited requests to review low-budget movies. Sometimes the publicist making the request looks like this:

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Review your movie? Sure, Lauren, we’ll review your movie. Just as soon as we finish reviewing you.

*****

23Apr

The Weekly Review: April 17 – 23

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Everyone is upset about the passing of Prince – especially here in Minnesnowta. The Grouch, who lives just a few miles from the legendary First Avenue nightclub, and just a few miles from celebrated Paisley Park, had much in common with the famous musician.

Grouch and Prince were the same age, and they were born in the same city. The Grouch, like The Purple One, is often unctuous and narcissistic. Both men were partial to hanging out in Walgreens parking lots. They cheered for the same dreadful Minnesota sports teams, and both enjoyed intimate relationships with Vanity and Apollonia – although in Grouch’s case the women might not have been aware of it.

Grouch wants to do his part in easing all of us into the post-Prince era, and has therefore released his first album, pictured below.

*****

The Downside of Feminism

*****

Quote of the Week:

“I’d like close-ups of all the boys’ penises, please.” – Emilia Clarke, lamenting the lack of male nudity on Game of Thrones.

16Apr

The Weekly Review: April 10 – 16

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Clueless Quotes of the Week:

“I have three children now, under the age of four and a half, and it’s exhausting.” — Ivanka Trump, pictured above hard at work

Yes, I’m sure that with Ivanka’s lack of money and resources, childrearing is a real chore.

“We already tax them [the rich] enough. They’re paying more than their fair share of taxes.”

and

“We text in theaters all the time.”

– attorney Christi Kunzig on taxing the rich and texting in movie theaters and challenging Ivanka Trump for most obnoxious comments of the week

*****

I suppose I’m just getting old, nostalgic, and cranky, but Antenna TV has been airing old episodes of The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, and I’m enjoying 1970s-‘80s Carson much more than the brown-nosing bunch of boobs hosting late-night shows today.

09Apr

The Weekly Review: April 3 – 9

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Idol Thoughts

I tuned in to the American Idol finale to see if I could remember why I was never much of a fan. It didn’t take long. The guy who won the final contest … just dreadful. You’d have to pay me to go watch him.

On the other hand, this Hung guy pictured above, now there’s a talent.

*****

If you read much Shakespeare, you come away with the impression that most human activity is motivated by our basest instincts; our hearts rule our heads. Hence, the following musings on the possible motivations of some prominent politicians — behavioral explanations you don’t often hear from political pundits:

George Bush invaded Iraq in large part because he wanted revenge on Saddam Hussein for the dictator’s attempt to assassinate Bush’s daddy.
Obama views most American citizens as spoiled children; thus, his speeches that sound like he’s losing patience and is lecturing us.
Hillary wants to prove to Bill that she can do a better job as president. Hillary resents Bill’s presidential philandering, and now expects his support.
Chris Christie got into politics because there are all those banquets and luncheons. Doesn’t matter if it’s a corn dog at the state fair or a thousand-dollar-per-plate fundraiser, sampling food is an essential part of a politician’s life.
Trump … I can’t figure out his motivation. Could be daddy issues or mommy issues. Somehow, I doubt that he’s in this race to make America great again for Joe the Plumber.
Despite his lovable-old-coot image, Bernie Sanders seems like one angry dude. Watch how difficult it is for him to muster a smile when someone cracks a joke.
John Kasich is not the “adult in the room.” He is one weird fucker who once blew up at a local Blockbuster Video for daring to stock the movie Fargo.

*****

Cable-news airheads keep mentioning the terrorist attack in “Brussel.” Did they stop teaching geography in schools?

*****

“You can’t win the Super Bowl unless you make some adjustments at halftime, right? That’s exactly what the Trump campaign is doing.” — Gloria Borger on CNN

Depends, Gloria. If you’re ahead by 40 points or if you’re playing the Minnesota Vikings, I’d say go ahead and just keep on doing what you’ve been doing.

08Apr

Reviews in Short: April 2016

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Trainwreck

Comedian-screenwriter Amy Schumer and director Judd Apatow try to please fans of modern gross-out humor — the twist is that, these days, it’s more often the girls than the boys who are delivering the gross-outs — and lovers of more traditional, fairy-tale romantic comedies with this movie about a cynical party animal (Schumer) who falls for a nerdy sports doctor (Bill Hader). The end product is a bit uneven, but the film’s heart is in the right place, its characters are likeable, and there are enough funny bits to make for an enjoyable two hours. Release: 2015 Grade: B

**

Dark

This psychological thriller about a New York model’s gradual descent into madness bears a strong resemblance to Repulsion, the 1965 classic from director Roman Polanski. But following an opening, steamy sex scene between stars Whitney Able and Alexandra Breckenridge, Dark’s slow-burn suspense dwindles to a snail’s pace, taking a long time to reach the climax. On the plus side, Able is quite good as the paranoid model, and it’s refreshing to absorb horror that takes place in the mind rather than in some blood-spattered setting. Release: 2015 Grade: B-

02Apr

The Weekly Review: March 27 – April 2

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“She’s so hot, she’s the leading cause of global warming.”

– The host of Red Eye introducing former Miss New York Joanne Nosuchinsky, pictured above.

*****

Politics!

I think hatred for Donald Trump has caused the entire staff of The Huffington Post to take leave of its senses. Someone at the Post has apparently issued an edict to writers that every story, no matter how trivial or innocuous, must contain the reporter’s opinion. If the story is about Trump, he must be decried as the devil incarnate.

**

No matter whom you support in this election – Bernie or Donald or Hillary or Ted – it would be nice if we could all agree that the way both parties are trying to rig their nominations stinks to high heaven. What’s the point of having citizens vote if a handful of D.C. hotshots pick the winning candidates? And isn’t it about time we rotated the schedule of state caucuses and primaries? I’m tired of ceding so much power to Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina.

*****

The best dumb blonde working today is a brunette: Fox News’s Joanne Nosuchinsky. Unlike other Barbie Dolls on cable news, Nosuchinsky doesn’t resist the dumb-blonde stereotype; she embraces it.

Sexist comment of the week occurred when the Red Eye panel discussed the unconventional casting of Broadway plays like Hamilton. Joanne didn’t object, she played along:

Tom Shillue: “Somebody who’s watching Joanne, they’re scribbling out a treatment for an all-female Revolutionary War [play].”

Rob Long: “We hope that’s what they’re scribbling. We never really know what they’re doing when they’re watching Joanne at home. I’m on Twitter, I see what happens on Twitter.”

Nosuchinsky: “Oh, no, you’re giving them ideas! Fix my skirt.” (adjusts her skirt)

Below, Nosuchinsky in her beauty-pageant days:

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Below, Joanne explains why some rich men feel the need to boast:

31Mar

The Woman in White

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by Wilkie Collins

I do love me some Victorian literature. Dickens, Thackeray, the Brontes — masterful writers, all of them. The Woman in White, published in 1859 by England’s Wilkie Collins, is not one of my favorites from that era, but it does have its charms.

The plot: A pair of plucky Britons does battle with an evil Italian spy when the corpulent con artist attempts to swindle a young heiress by replacing her with a lookalike impostor.

What I liked: The lengthy melodrama was initially published in serial form, and it’s easy to see how magazine readers of the day got hooked. Collins is a master at building slow-burn suspense: It can be a bit of a slog on the way to a chapter’s climax but, once you get there, the payoff is often rewarding. Collins also introduces a villain for the ages in the egotistical, silver-tongued Count Fosco.

What I didn’t like: The youthful heroes aren’t nearly as interesting as the malevolent count. The beautiful heiress is typical of so many “damsels in distress” found in Victorian literature, a fragile specimen who faints at the slightest provocation and must be shielded from anything and everything remotely unpleasant. (She’s an apparent precursor to some of today’s college students, with their “trigger warnings” and “safe spaces.”) Here is one passage describing the precious snowflake that is Lady Glyde:

“The effect of the good news on poor Lady Glyde was, I grieve to say, quite overpowering. She was too weak to bear the violent reaction, and in another day or two she sank into a state of debility and depression which obliged her to keep her room. Rest and quiet, and change of air afterwards, were the best remedies which Mr. Dawson could suggest for her benefit.”

And that’s how she reacts to the good news.

26Mar

The Weekly Review: March 20 – 26

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**

*****

Quote of the Week:

“I had no idea that Trump and Pecker went back as far as they do.”

— MSNBC’s Chris Hayes, commenting on Donald Trump’s friendship with National Enquirer honcho David Pecker.

19Mar

The Weekly Review: March 13 – 19

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*****

Battle of the Sexists

Just when it looks as if the presidential campaign can’t possibly get any more juvenile … the nation must now prepare itself for what looks to be an epic battle between Hillary and Donald. In other words, boys against girls.

According to her detractors, Hillary wants to help everyone except white males. According to his detractors, Donald mostly wants to, uh, help attractive females. Toss in Melania, Monica, Megyn, and Bill, and this election should be the most fun any of us have had since we gave each other cooties in kindergarten.

(In the picture above, that’s Trump on the left, obviously. Not sure if the girl is Clinton or Fox anchor Megyn Kelly.)

*****

The so-called golden age of television seems to be in a creative lull – at least in terms of one-hour dramas and miniseries produced in the U.S.A. There are a few pretty good new shows (Billions, The People v. O. J. Simpson, et al), but nothing I’d call “must-see TV.”

Thank goodness for the British, at least this week, for giving us two dramatic treats: And Then There Were None on Lifetime (I know, I know – Lifetime? I can’t believe it either), and the second season of Happy Valley on Netflix. The former is my second-favorite adaptation of the classic Agatha Christie mystery. Lifetime’s British import (pictures above and at bottom) is gloomy, moody, and more faithful to the original novel, but I still give a slight edge to the 1945 movie, which is completely different in tone (light and fun), but oh-so-entertaining.

As for Happy Valley, I binge-watched all six episodes in one day, mostly for one reason: Sarah Lancashire (pictured below) absolutely rules as crime-fighting grandmother Catherine Cawood, a Yorkshire copper whose beat comprises a valley community that is anything but happy. Yes, I said “crime-fighting grandmother,” which in this case is nowhere near as precious as it sounds. We are not talking about Miss Marple. Click here to read my review of the first season.