The Grouchy Editor

11Mar

The Weekly Review: March 5 – 11

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Feud on FX

I’m tired of reading about the harrowing challenges faced by older actresses fighting age discrimination in Hollywood. I just can’t bring myself to think, “Poor, poor Meryl Streep” — or Patricia Arquette, or Chloe Grace Moretz, or whoever.

So it’s a relief to report that I am thoroughly enjoying two new series starring women “of a certain age”: FX’s Feud, and HBO’s Big Little Lies, with Jessica Lange (67), Susan Sarandon (70), Reese Witherspoon (40), Laura Dern (50), and Nicole Kidman (49). These broads can all still bring it.

Jessica Lange as Joan Crawford and Susan Sarandon as Bette Davis in Feud

Shailene Woodley, Reese Witherspoon, and Nicole Kidman in Big Little Lies

Come to think of it, the other weekly series I’m currently watching also feature older actresses: Schitt$ Creek (Catherine O’Hara, 63) and Billions (Maggie Siff, 42).

So I am doing my part to support the grueling, soul-sucking crusade against age discrimination waged by Hollywood’s female stars. Somebody needs to give me a medal. Or a blowjob.

09Mar

Girl House

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Most slasher-flick producers figure that if they can convince a few actresses to take their clothes off on camera, and then toss in a bucket of blood, the job is done. Not so with Girl House, a better-than-average slash-‘em-up that – gasp! – does not insult the intelligence.

That doesn’t mean that the actresses in Girl House keep their clothes on, or that there are no buckets of blood. It does mean that you won’t be bored between stripteases.

The Story:

In a prologue, two pre-teen girls chase a boy through the woods. They catch him and then, as naughty girls are wont to do … they pull down his shorts. They then proceed to trick the poor schlub into showing them his penis:

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“We wanna see what’s down there,” says mean girl Camren Bicondova

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“That’s it? Looks like an acorn!”

As we all know, this is how serial killers are born.

Fast forward to the present, and we meet college student Kylie (above), a nice girl who needs money. In her desperation, Kylie does what most college students who need money do: She goes to work at McDonald’s.

Just kidding. She takes a job at the titular “Girl House,” a wired-up mansion in which half a dozen hotties are spied on, 24 hours a day, by thousands of horny Internet viewers.

The house is supposedly secure, but the girls’ guardians don’t reckon with a certain young man whose rage against females has festered since he once had his pants pulled down by two naughty girls. Someone’s going to pay for that.

One by one the Web-cam girls get picked off, but not before most of them fulfill the obligations of movies like this by stripping down to their birthday suits. As a bonus for the viewer, the actresses in Girl House don’t seem like future porn stars; they’re exploited, sure, but … see “Casting Call” sidebar below.

Girl House plays better than it sounds. The characters all have at least the semblance of personality, the production values are decent, and the pace is snappy. It’s no Texas Chain Saw Massacre or Halloween – but it does have more T&A. Grade: B-

Directors: Jon Knautz, Trevor Matthews Cast: Ali Cobrin, Adam DiMarco, Slaine, Alyson Bath, Elysia Rotaru, Chasty Ballesteros, Nicole Arianna Fox, Alexis Kendra (Peters), Camren Bicondova, Baylee Wall Release: 2014

Watch the Trailer (click here)

**

Casting Call:

How do you cast the girls for a movie like Girl House? We’re guessing the casting director caught some of the performances pictured below. (Click on thumbnails for a larger view.)

Ali Cobrin (“Kylie”)

Ali Cobrin’s good side and, uh, other side in American Reunion (2012)

**

Chasty Ballesteros (“Janet”)

Chasty Ballesteros gets butt-pumped in Showtime’s Ray Donovan (2013); enjoys crotch play and displays her rear in the 2013 Cinemax series The Girl’s Guide to Depravity

**

Alyson Bath (“Devon”)

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Alyson Bath, sometimes billed as Shirleyann Mason, gave it (and the audience) her all in the 2009 Cinemax series Lingerie

**

Nicole Arianna Fox (“Mia”)

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Model Nicole Fox strips for a photo shoot in Redlands (2014)

**

Alexis Kendra (“Business Woman”)

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Also known as Alexis Peters, Alexis Kendra went topless in Hatchet II (2010); in Goddess of Love (2015) she got bolder, including the ass shot and the full-frontal above. (At top, she contemplates life while seated on a toilet.)

**

Elysia Rotaru (“Heather”)

Elysia Rotaru puts the girls in Girl House

06Mar

Brideshead Revisited

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by Evelyn Waugh

There’s no question that Evelyn Waugh was a gifted writer. You could open Brideshead Revisited to page 51, or to page 352, have no clue about the plot or context, and still enjoy Waugh’s prose. The man was smooth and entertaining.

On the downside, I was a bit disappointed by Brideshead’s plot, in which a Nick Carraway-like narrator is befriended by a family of wealthy Catholics in 1920s England. The most interesting family member, alcoholic man-child Sebastian, is the focus of much of the story until he is abruptly dropped about two-thirds into the novel. The other family members are just mildly intriguing. Also, Waugh’s themes of religion and the vanishing British aristocracy are somewhat dated. But if you simply enjoy good writing, here you go.

04Mar

The Weekly Review: February 26 – March 4

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ABC was embarrassed when Oscars host Jimmy Kimmel introduced a tour-bus full of sex offenders and Trump supporters to Hollywood’s liberal elite (above).

No word on whether the sex offenders and Trump supporters accepted ABC’s apology.

*****

Can we please ban this phrase from headlines?

“[Fill in the blank] Sparks Twitter Outrage”

That’s too easy for lazy journalists.

These days, a chipped toenail can “spark Twitter outrage.”

*****

I’m noticing an odd trend with movie titles, in which instructions are barked at the audience, as in Don’t Breathe and Get Out.

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I expect that soon we’ll see something like this:

*****

What can happen when you are bored

I watched The Tonight Show on Friday and Jimmy Fallon mentioned musician Herb Alpert.
Alpert brought to mind Sergio Mendes and Brasil ‘66.
I found Brasil ‘66 videos on YouTube.
I read about Brasil ‘66 on Wikipedia.
I learned that one of the singers, Karen Philipp, lives near me in Minnesota.
I Googled her name and found this Playboy layout:

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Aren’t you glad I was bored?

25Feb

The Weekly Review: February 19 – 25

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The scenario is familiar by now: Donald Trump will do or say something outrageous, and the media speculation begins. Did Trump really mean what he said? Or was it part of some clever plan? Is Trump “crazy like a fox”?

This ongoing debate about the state of Trump’s mind reminds me of Chance the gardener in Being There, the Jerzy Kosinski novel later adapted into a film starring Peter Sellers.

Here is how Wikipedia describes Chance: “He is simple-minded and has lived there his whole life, tending the garden. Other than gardening, his knowledge is derived entirely from what he sees on television.”

Here is what Politico wrote this week about Trump: “Leaving him alone for several hours can prove damaging, because he consumes too much television and gripes to people outside the White House.”

In Being There, no one is quite sure if Chance’s plain-spoken pronouncements are words of genius or the blathering of an idiot. At the end of the story, Chance is the leading contender for President of the United States.

*****

18Feb

The Weekly Review: February 12 – 18

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TV Update

The Missing (above) – I’m only halfway through the second season of this Starz import from Britain, but I’m liking what I’ve seen so far. The plot has some credibility gaps (if your 11-year-old child was abducted and then reappeared 11 years later, wouldn’t you still recognize her?), but overall this is a gripping and clever drama. The constant time-shifting between 2014 and “the present” just adds layers to the suspense. Grade: A-

Billions – It’s like watching two snakes battle to the death. You might not care who wins, because the contestants are both repulsive, but it’s fascinating to see them fight. The “snakes” in this Showtime series, of course, are Paul Giamatti and Damian Lewis. Grade: B+

*****

I used to think that the Democrats had all of the hotties on their side of the political fence, what with all of their movie stars and music divas. But Fox News continues to put the lie to that notion. Above, some bodacious babe named Madison Gesiotto joins the panel on Red Eye. Below, Gesiotto displays her assets. Eat your heart out, Lena Dunham.

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*****

Look at the superlatives for Oscar frontrunner La La Land:

I haven’t seen La La Land, but I don’t believe the hype. Hollywood doesn’t make great movies anymore; the good stuff is all on TV. Plus, Ryan Gosling can’t sing.

*****

If there is a picture in Webster’s next to the term “sore loser,” it would surely be this one:

11Feb

The Weekly Review: February 5 – 11

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Some wit declared that President Trump is now living rent-free in America’s head. I believe this is true, and it’s got to stop.

A typical day:

8 a.m. – I wake up and check Twitter to ascertain the day’s Trump-related outrage. I read a few tweets from thoroughly unpleasant Trump fans and from equally revolting Trump haters.

8:15 a.m. – After reading these tweets, my day is effectively ruined.

9:00 a.m. – I make coffee and vaguely recall that Starbucks is in trouble for something pro- or anti-Trump-related, can’t say which.

10 a.m. – Trip to the mall and walk by Nordstrom. Wonder if the store is gaining or losing customers based on the Ivanka flap.

Noon – Have lunch at a Mexican restaurant. Wonder if the Hispanic employees are shooting me hostile glances, or if I’m just imagining it.

2 p.m. – Home again. Time to check in with Twitter. More hostile tweets, from the public and from Trump himself.

5 p.m. – Decide to surf a little porn. Stumble on a site featuring Russian hookers peeing on one another.

7 p.m. – Prime time for cable news. Must select among Fox outrage, MSNBC outrage, or CNN outrage.

10:30 p.m. – Need relief from all the Trump coverage; time for some comedy. Fallon, Kimmel, and Colbert all doing monologues on the Trump administration.

Midnight – Time for bed. Can’t sleep. Visions of Steve Bannon and Rosie O’Donnell keeping me awake.

This cannot continue. I’d move to another country, but all of them seem to be equally obsessed with Trump. Also, they all have Twitter.

*****

One Last Football Story

04Feb

The Weekly Review: January 29 – February 4

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A thoughtful, measured meditation on Trump:

Our poor celebrities. When it comes to President Trump, they are damned if they do, damned if they don’t. Just ask Tom Brady or Ashley Judd.

Seems like celebrities have three choices: Blast Trump like Madonna did and anger half the country, “embrace” Trump like Matthew McConaughey did and anger the other half of the country, or just shut the hell up.

Probably best to just shut the hell up.

*****

“Dandy Drunk” Don Lemon interviewed the director of a new film called I Am Not Your Negro (above).

I recall thinking when I first saw that title: “This thing is going to set box-office records.”

… Sometimes I lie to you.

*****

I don’t understand it. Unlike, say, Sarah Palin, Trump does not come off like a complete idiot at press conferences or in sit-down interviews. But on Twitter he often sounds like a drunken 10-year-old:

Maybe someday we’ll discover that it was really Barron doing the tweeting.

02Feb

Reviews in Short: February 2017

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Antibirth

Antibirth reminds me of those 1980s late-show curiosities in which the characters are frequently stoned and, evidently, the films’ directors had also been smoking something. Think Re-Animator and B-movies of that ilk. Danny Perez’s sloppy, gory, hodgepodge of horror has a campy plot – something is growing in the heroine’s womb, and it doesn’t seem to be human – but it’s often a hoot, thanks to an anything-goes performance from Natasha Lyonne as the pregnant stoner and a tone that evokes the best (or worst) of those wacky late-show relics. Release: 2016 Grade: B

*****

The Shallows

If you’re in the mood for some mindless summer fun – and who isn’t in the dead of winter? – you could do a lot worse than The Shallows, in which poor Blake Lively gets stranded on a rapidly submerging rock while a circling shark eyes her for dinner. After a dubious first act, in which the director seems more interested in filming Lively’s bikini-clad, muscular buttocks than in creating suspense, the movie delivers some solid, if also ridiculous, thrills. But hey, “jump scares” are allowed when it’s a shark movie you’re watching. Release: 2016 Grade: B

30Jan

Coma (1978)

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Note: The Grouch recently caught an airing of the hospital thriller Coma on TCM, and he was overcome with nostalgia. This was the film that led to Grouch’s first-ever movie review, which was published in the April 14, 1978 edition of the St. Cloud State University Chronicle. We thought it would be fun to reprint that old review, verbatim, so here you go:

Typical thriller ‘Coma’ comes to life in second half

Somewhere around the middle of this picture, Coma snaps out of it and really begins to move.

Up until that point, the only things saving the film from a slow death are the dynamite musical score by Jerry Goldsmith (remember The Omen), and an equally impressive performance by Genevieve Bujold as the heroine. Bujold is given a role that we’ve all seen before in countless thrillers: a woman discovers an evil secret, yet no one, not even her boyfriend, believes her when she tries to tell them about it. They even send her to a psychiatrist.

Bujold manages to make her character unique and she succeeds in gaining audience acceptance.

Susan Wheeler (Bujold) is a surgical resident who shares living quarters with her boyfriend, also a doctor, played by Michael Douglas. They both practice medicine at Boston Memorial Hospital, one of the best in the country.

Things are pretty much business as usual in the hospital until Susan’s best friend lapses into a coma during what should have been a minor operation. Suspicious, Susan begins to investigate and discovers records of 12 supposedly routine operations that resulted in comas. But why? Telling would ruin the suspense of Coma, even though it doesn’t get all that suspenseful until the last half of the film.

Meanwhile, director-writer Michael Crichton tries to hold his audience’s attention by various other methods. He tries to revolt the audience with several “hamburger” shots of brain slices, slabs of liver, etc. He tries to titillate them with shots of Bujold scrubbing herself behind a translucent shower door. The picture becomes fun in its second half.

Someone thinks that Susan has learned a little bit too much. Her investigation has led her to the Jefferson Institute, where nurse Elizabeth Ashley says “we merely provide care as inexpensively as possible” for thousands of coma patients. Government subsidized, the institute is a chilling edifice that, strangely enough, is staffed by no more than five persons, including nurse Ashley. It is here that Susan finally solves her mystery.

Aside from Bujold’s excellent performance, the rest of the cast seems less than inspired. Douglas does all right as the boyfriend – we’re never quite sure if we can trust him or not – but Richard Widmark as the chief of surgery is a little too obvious right from the start. Elizabeth Ashley comes off like she is doing an impression of Gale Sondergaard in an old Sherlock Holmes movie.

One word of caution: if you already have a fear of hospitals and/or doctors, you probably don’t want to catch this flick.

Director: Michael Crichton Cast: Genevieve Bujold, Michael Douglas, Elizabeth Ashley, Rip Torn, Richard Widmark, Lois Chiles, Hari Rhodes, Gary Barton, Frank Downing, Richard Doyle Release: 1978 Grade: B+

Watch the Trailer (click here)

Oddly, this screen capture of Bujold showering did not appear with the original review.