Nice of Kevin Hart to donate $25,000 to Houston flood victims. Let’s do the math.
According to one source, Hart was worth $128 million in 2016.
$25,000 is .02 percent of $128,000,000.
If you earned $50,000 per year and gave .02 percent of your income, that’s ten bucks.
So Mr. Munificent donated the equivalent of … ten bucks.
**
George Romero died in July, and now Tobe Hooper has passed. I saw Romero’s Night of the Living Dead in a theater a few years after it premiered, and I saw Hooper’s The Texas Chain Saw Massacre not long after that.
Which was better? I liked Night of the Living Dead, but Chain Saw scared the piss out of me.
Scary
Scarier
**
So let me get this straight: The creepy My Pillow guy shows up in a couple’s bedroom, uninvited and unexpected, and, instead of calling the police, the couple is happy to see him?
Kinky.
**
Long-Simmering Complaint:
And the “t” in “often” should be silent — like this.
This week on Outnumbered, Kennedy was hell-bent on displaying her ignorance:
It’s been a while since we checked in with small-penis-pageant contestant Rip van Dinkle. We asked him to dig into his scrapbook to find some post-pageant mementos that he might share with us.
“It’s amazing,” Rip tells us, “how many gorgeous women who normally won’t give you the time of day, when they find out you’ll admit you have a tiny penis and that they can have a laugh at it — and a laugh at you — suddenly they are very interested in you.”
Unlike pot-bellied, mini-membered Rip, a lot of the women having a laugh at his expense are physical knockouts. They had a good look at Rip; let’s have a good look at them.
The Lawyer
“You are obviously out and proud about your small penis”
Lawyer and penis connoisseur Madeleine Holden was not overly impressed with Rip’s manhood. “So your dick is small and you’re proud. Great,” Madeline wrote, with more than a touch of sarcasm. Here’s more from her Web site (Critique My Dick Pic), in which she rates dick pics from around the globe:
Luckily for her fans, Madeleine also posts selfies of herself:
**
The South American Journalist
“My editor preferred to hide the penis”
Brazilian reporter Anna Gabriela Ribeiro attended the 2015 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant and interviewed Rip for South American publications. Anna also played photojournalist, below, capturing Rip and the other contestants for her stories.
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Some months after Anna interviewed Rip backstage in Brooklyn, Rip returned the favor and interviewed Anna:
Rip asked if it was challenging for her to interview a man (him) while his tiny penis was in full view.
Anna:I try to ignore all the awkward things around me while interviewing. But yes, it was a little bit awkward.
Rip asked if having a small sex organ is a source of embarrassment for South American men.
Anna:Yes definitely, it´s something men always feel embarrassed and sad about.
Rip asked why, in the pictures Anna took of him and then posted online, his genitals were obscured by a black bar (below right).
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.Before After
Anna:Well, I think on that time my editor preferred to hide the penis areas because [it] is a very popular media and they consider more respectful with the readers like that.
Rip tells us that, if she’s interested, he would very much enjoy tutoring Anna in English as a second language.
**
The Model from North Dakota
“I could fucking bite your dick off and eat it”
Model Jaye M. interviewed Rip for a short article. Excerpts from the interview:
“Rip van Dinkle traveled from his home to be hilariously ridiculed by female audience members half his age.”
Jaye: Holy fuck, dude you are tiny!
Jaye: I could fucking bite your dick off and eat it like candy.
Jaye: Well there’s no way you could fit inside me, let alone get me off!
Jaye: What makes you think you can pleasure me?
Jaye set aside her hostility long enough to pose with Rip for a short video in which the long-legged lass measured his junk.
Despite her insults, Rip is forgiving and describes Jaye as a “hot piece of ass.” Here’s a short video of Jaye displaying her goods in the California sunshine:
**
The Sketch Artist
“Do you want the teeny weeny showing?”
MiYon Kosloske-Richardson (above) is a sometime artist who jumped at the opportunity to immortalize Rip’s pageant shame. MiYon didn’t actually attend the event, but she found inspiration from pageant photos, including this full-frontal shot of Rip:
Click on the sketches below to see larger views of MiYon’s final work:
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**
Funny Girl
“Show us your dick!”
Podcaster/comedian Zoe Nightingale was anxious to attend the 2015 pageant. Per her Instagram page (below), Zoe found out about the teeny-weenie show by reading Time Out New York:
Judging from her podcast commentary (click below), Zoe didn’t get the anti-body-shaming memo:
If the contestants had looked at these pictures Zoe posted of herself on social media, there might not have been any tiny dicks for her to laugh at:
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**
The Beauty from Trinidad
“Special thanks to Rip van Dinkle”
Broadcaster and sometime model Kimi McCarthy, above, interviewed Rip for her radio show in Trinidad:
Kimi: “When are you coming to Trinidad?”
Rip: “I wish I was there right now. I hear Trinidad is really beautiful. I know Kimi is really beautiful.”
Kimi: “You’re so sweet.”
Rip: “You need to organize a small-penis pageant in Trinidad … Kimi can be one of the judges.”
Kimi: “I don’t mind. It’s for a good cause.”
Kimi plugged the interview on social media:
After that, Rip discovered these videos and wanted to plug Kimi:
Have a look at Kimi — top and bottom — in the videos below:
**
The average male’s greatest fear confirmed: Feminists do like to humiliate men with small dicks. Meredith Landry, editor of the feminist Web site Role Reboot, asked Rip to write a first-person account about his prick and its exposure at the pageants. That’s Meredith pictured above.
**
The Village Voice spotlighted Rip in its end-of-year edition. That particular photo has certainly made the rounds.
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The small-penis pageant was Time Out New York’s sixth-most-read story of the year. Writer Rebecca Fontana (above) didn’t want her readers to miss out on any of the pictures.
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Pageant organizer Bobbie Chaset, pictured above in I Dream of Jeannie garb, seemed to feel that pageant contestant “Flo Rida,” above right, has a more impressive dick than poor Rip, above left.
The following exchange is from Bobbie’s interview on a Detroit radio station:
Host:Are you the emasculating woman who’s responsible for the smallest penis contest?
Bobbie:“If you’d like to say it that way, then yes.”
Bobbie:“He’s not as small as the rest of the guys” – comparing Flo Rida to Rip and the other contestants.
**
Random Emasculation
Gorgeous “Sara,” pictured above, recognized a handsome pecker when she saw one, and just had to paint Rip’s for posterity:
OK, so that was a lie. In reality, Sara had a good belly-laugh when she saw poor Rip, far right in the photo below, posing next to some well-hung dudes.
Comments from Jezebel Readers
Mean Tweets
Facebook
Dr. Naomi Mac enjoyed all the small-penis bashing on Facebook:
“Loving the comments here”
Anne Marie Benavides was disgusted by the pageant and its participants:
“Are we really surprised that these gentrifying hipsters are small dick bastards? I would’ve gone with dickless.”
**
The Sisters
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Rip was impressed by the large number of African-American women attending the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageants.
So was podcaster Zoe Nightingale, who had a question for some of them:
“Are you here just to see a small white penis for the first time? I knew it – there are so many beautiful black people here to laugh at the white people.”
Nightingale
Potter
YouTube’s Titty Talk Show sent “our lady in the streets,” Bri’en Potter, pictured above and below, to interview contestants at the 2013 pageant:
Rip acquaintance Aleeya Michelle didn’t mince words after she evaluated his manhood on Skype:
“It is a puny white boy dick.”
“That is not a big pee-pee … that’s a pee.”
Seems only fair that since Aleeya had a look at Rip’s equipment, readers should have a look at hers:
Brokelyn writer-photographer Mary Dorn, above, covered the penis pageants in 2013 and 2014. Some excerpts from one of her stories:
**
And finally … it takes a special brand of woman to actually slide a ruler up alongside Rip’s dangling noodle.
Some guys might consider letting a woman measure their cock, take pictures of the humiliation, and then post the results for the entertainment of other women as rather a … shameful situation. Not Rip, who is philosophical: “If a lady is willing to get that up close and personal to my genitals and then play with them, photos are the price I’m willing to pay.”
Who prodded Rip with a ruler? Aimee Arciuolo, Cyndi Freeman, Amy Minnick, and Jaye M.
“Well, old bean, life is really so bloody awful that I feel it’s my absolute duty to be chirpy and try to make everybody else happy, too.” – David Niven
Movie star Niven’s 1971 memoir is certainly “chirpy.” And if you’re a fan of old Hollywood, it’s guaranteed to make you smile. But Balloon also reminded me of – of all books – a more recent “memoir”: controversial author James Frey’s A Million Little Pieces. I read Frey’s bestseller after it was revealed that much of his allegedly true story was pure fiction. But I liked it anyway.
In Niven’s case, later biographers have debunked many of the anecdotes he relates in The Moon’s a Balloon as either exaggerated, sugar-coated, or outright fabrications. But I liked it anyway.
It’s odd, though. So much of Niven’s life was so inherently interesting – World War II service, Hollywood stardom, glamorous pals – that you have to wonder why he felt the need to embellish.
My guess is that the above quote explains at least part of it. Niven was a born entertainer, and if that meant stretching the truth a bit, so be it. Or maybe he was just practicing what Hollywood preached in its “golden age”: Life goes down better with a happy ending.
Thank you, Harvey, for being a wonderful play by Mary Chase.
Thank you, Harvey, for being one of James Stewart’s best movies.
And thank you, Harvey, for being such a nasty-ass hurricane that you’ve forced the media to give all of us a respite from obsessive Donald Trump coverage.
**
An eclipse over Glasgow
Damn science nerds. Whenever they try to get the rest of us excited about some rare event – usually a comet or asteroid flying past Earth – The Big Show turns into a disappointment.
It’s like the fanatics who keep telling us Trump is just like Hitler. When it turns out that Trump doesn’t have any gas ovens, we get bored and stop listening to them.
**
By all means, let’s pass tax cuts for the rich. That will heal the country.
When Trump canned Steve Bannon, was he selling out to The Swamp? Has Trump always been in league with The Swamp?
The Swamp doesn’t care.
The Swamp lives on, licking its chops and seeking new victims.
**
If the point of electing Donald Trump was to shake things up in Washington, then I don’t see how anyone can dispute that his presidency has been an unqualified success.
**
I guess this is why Stephen King was awarded the Medal for Distinguished Contribution to American Letters:
**
The problem with cable news is that it attracts the most detestable partisans imaginable.
If I happen to lean toward support of, let’s call it “Issue A,” there is little doubt that I will then witness some obnoxious, odious, self-satisfied buffoon advocating for “Issue A” on cable news.
I will then no longer be able to stomach the idea of supporting Issue A.
Poor little Guam. It gets no respect or recognition – until now.
Its name sounds like something you might say when your dentist asks you a question while your jaws are pried open.
You never hear of anyone planning a tropical vacation to the beautiful beaches of Guam. (Does Guam have beautiful beaches?)
But the people of Guam seem awfully cool. Journalists interviewed some Guam residents, one of whom had this gem of a comment about why Kim Jong-un should aim his nukes at … Guam:
Seems like reasonable logic to us.
*****
Fox News is rapidly running out of male personalities who aren’t getting the boot for sexual harassment. They might as well just can the rest of the males – save Shepard Smith, of course – and change their name to Foxy Babe News.
A bohemian music teacher attempts to reconnect with his uptight, unhappy, businesswoman daughter in Bucharest, and havoc ensues. The two leads (Sandra Huller and Peter Simonischek) have great chemistry, and there are some truly memorable scenes — including a (nude) birthday party to end all birthday parties. But writer-director Maren Ade’s otherwise impressive film has a near-fatal flaw: At 162 minutes, it’s much, much too long. Release: 2016 Grade: B
**
Hell or High Water
Part Bonnie and Clyde, part old-time Western, Hell or High Water aims for realism, but in its quest to be taken seriously and hammer home some social commentary, it’s not as much fun as it could have been. That is, with the notable exception of crusty (of course) Jeff Bridges, who as a retiring lawman on the hunt for two bank robbers provides the movie’s only source of levity and wit. Release: 2016 Grade: B
**
Get Out
A black photographer (Daniel Kaluuya) goes home with his white girlfriend (Allison Williams) to meet her parents, and he’s in for quite a weekend. For an hour or so, Get Out cleverly skewers upper-class white folk who feign empathy and understanding of race relations, but then writer-director Jordan Peele’s story sinks into horror-movie clichés. It’s a sharp and suspenseful ride – until that last act. Release: 2017 Grade: B
A Wrinkle in Time is a beloved children’s book about a little girl who goes on a dangerous quest to find her missing scientist-father. It was published in 1963, but I’m a little behind in my reading, so I just now got around to it. Random thoughts:
There are heavy doses of both religion and science in the plot, yet author Madeleine L’Engle manages to make them peaceably co-exist.
I kept thinking of the book’s likely literary influences, pre- and post-publication. Before: The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, Invasion of the Body Snatchers. After: the Harry Potter books. J.K. Rowling is the more entertaining, skilled writer, with stronger characters; L’Engle deals more overtly with adult themes.
I’m guessing that Wrinkle was (is?) more popular with girls than with boys. I mean, any story that ends with the heroine conquering evil by (spoiler alert!) declaring “I love you!” to her baby brother is going to be a tough sell to the mud-and-trucks crowd.
I believe I’ll pass on the upcoming Hollywood adaptation, mostly because it reportedly features the Queen of Smarm, Oprah Winfrey. (I might change my mind if Winfrey is cast as the dreadful blob of brain, but I’m guessing that’s not the case.)
New White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci has been busy rewriting the lyrics to Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody”:
Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide
They will all be fired by me.
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see
I’m just a poor boy, I need no sympathy
I’m not trying to suck my own cock
They’ll all be fired by me.
I see a little silhouetto of a man
Scaramucci, Scaramucci, will you do the fucking tango?
Nothing really matters
Anyone can see
Nothing really matters
They’ll all be fired by me.
*****
TV Update
Netflix subscribers might want to check out either of the following shows:
Detectorists
Toby Jones and Mackenzie Crook play small-town Brits who take up metal detecting as a hobby. The comedy is a bit Laurel and Hardy, a bit Doc Martin, and a bit The Andy Griffith Show. The tone is slow-burn charming, but several episodes from the first season had me laughing out loud. Normally, sitcoms do not inspire me to laugh out loud.
Ozark
Jason Bateman and Laura Linney play parents forced to relocate their family to the Missouri boonies when they fall into disfavor, to put it mildly, with a Mexican drug cartel. It’s not Breaking Bad, but it’s entertaining and a refreshing change of locale from the usual haunts of dramas like this, i.e., New York or L.A.
*****
I’m trying to picture what a new American civil war might look like. Should the red states and blue states declare open hostilities, I’m thinking it will bear little resemblance to our conflict in the 1860s.
We are much too fat and lazy to do battle in the fields of Virginia. No, I’m thinking this war will have to be fought from the comfort of easy chairs in our living rooms. It will likely be some sort of video-game war.
Scary
