John Mulaney hosted Saturday Night Live and made me do something I did not expect to do:  laugh. More than once.

The “Cha Cha Slide” (above) was just brilliant.

 

Alas, now that Mulaney’s gone, I suppose it’s back to this tired, lame routine:

 

 

 

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I guess there are worse things than casting Brie Larson as Captain Marvel.

But come on now. What really makes America great, comic-book heroes or Brie Larson in scenes like these?

 

 

 

**

 

 

Cunning linguist. You have to say it real fast. You see, it … oh screw it.

 

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We get a lot of review requests along with links to private “screeners.” Mostly, these are low-budget movies so dreadful that they don’t even appear on Netflix or Amazon Prime – yet.  They have titles like Luciferina and The Haunting of Mia Moss and, in this case, Abduction 101.

Often the movies are unfinished: The soundtrack might not match the video, the credits have yet to be added, that sort of thing. But occasionally these films have a certain rustic charm; the spirit of Ed Wood living on.

 

Abduction 101

 

 

I suppose that if I’m an aspiring actress or model stuck in Portland, Oregon, and some French director asks me to star in his low-budget horror movie, I might jump at the opportunity. I suppose I might.

And so we have Abduction 101, a Portland-filmed indie starring four Portland babes. It’s the kind of schlock that gave birth to Joe Bob Briggs (remember him?); the kind of movie that gave oxygen to Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Director Robin Entreinger’s movie stars beauty-pageant contestant Brianna Shewbert Rouse (who’s not bad), Portland model Luna Labelle (who’s quite fetching), and an actress named Adrienne Stone* (who is very, very naked. So naked, in fact, that her prolonged exposure won “Best Nudity Scene” at the Independent Horror Movie Awards).

 

“Best Nudity Scene” — hey, who are we to argue?

 

But I digress. The plot of Abduction 101, not that it matters, is about three cute girls who decide to investigate their mysterious neighbors in the woods. They intend to film the neighbors, who are not expected to object to this invasion of their privacy because, as one of the girls says repeatedly, “all of us are so fucking hot.”

But uh-oh. Turns out the neighbors must have seen Alien 3, in which Sigourney Weaver got impregnated by a creature, and now enjoy doing the same sort of thing to unsuspecting people – like snoopy neighbor girls who are so fucking hot. That’s the plot.

Watching Abduction 101 is at times an endurance test. Any shot that might last five seconds in a better movie will drag on for 30 seconds in this one. A scene that goes on for a minute in another flick will be stretched to five minutes here. In fact, the whole movie feels like filler between the opening 15 minutes, in which Entreinger’s camera lustfully scans the girls’ bodies, to the midpoint, which features the famous nude scene, to the blessed relief of an ending.

 

Three “fucking hot” girls

 

And yet … I shouldn’t complain. In the “Me Too” era, I’m glad that they still make outright exploitation like this. Someone needs to carry on the tradition of Joe Bob Briggs. And Portland models need the work.      Grade:  You Don’t Want to Know

 

Directors: Robin Entreinger, Steve Noir  Cast: Brianna Shewbert Rouse, Luna Labelle, Adrienne Stone, Nixi Oblivion, Kayla Kilby Release: 2019

 

*It’s possible that the naked actress is actually called “Nixi Oblivion.” It’s impossible to know based on the incomplete credits. Maybe that’s intentional?

 

The Girls of ‘Abduction 101’

 

 

.                                grouchyeditor.com Abduction 101

 

 

Brianna Shewbert Rouse

 

It must be frustrating when your leading lady won’t get naked for your horror movie. What’s a French director to do? In this case, he dresses Brianna in tight pants and bikinis and then zooms in on her butt. A lot.  

 

Above at far right, Brianna in a beauty contest

 

Kayla Kilby

 

Kayla has a small part in Abduction 101, basically just a fight scene near the end of the movie. She gets killed (below). Looks like she isn’t wearing panties. Judging from the modeling photos that follow, that seems to be a recurring theme.

 

 

 

Luna Labelle

 

Inexplicably, Luna, who had no issues with doing full-frontal and full-rear nudity in the modeling photos below, does not appear naked in Abduction 101. We can only guess that this oversight was due to the directors being unaware of the photos.

 

 

 

 

Adrienne Stone (we think)

 

Last but not least, we bring you Adrienne Stone. Unless it’s Nixi Oblivion. We’re going to go with Adrienne Stone. Whoever she is, she was quite the good sport and was no doubt most responsible for the movie’s “Best Nudity Scene” honor.

Also, the fact that she allowed some actor to fondle her boobs and let Entreinger’s camera peek between her legs probably had something to do with it.

 

 

Abduction 101 is now available on Amazon Prime. Click here to watch the trailer.

 

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All of this babble about the evils of socialism versus the evils of capitalism is annoying. Face it: What we have in the United States right now is a mix of both.

Unrestricted capitalism, which the right seems to favor, leads to ridiculous income inequality. Unrestricted socialism, as we are seeing down south, can lead to Venezuela.

The question is not which system do we choose, socialism or capitalism. The question is determining what kind of a mix we need.

 

On the other hand, I’m terrible at math and economics, so there is an excellent chance that I might not know what the hell I’m talking about.

Now, were you to ask me who has better legs, Larry Kudlow or Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, well ….

 

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Poor Hollywood. It can’t quite bring itself to lavish Oscars on superhero and comic-book movies. But all Hollywood makes these days are superhero and comic-book movies.

So that means Hollywood has to reward movies that nobody sees. You know, blockbusters like Green Book (above) and The Shape of Water and Moonlight.

 

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Survivor is back, which means it’s time to find out which female booty the CBS cameramen are favoring. At first, I thought it might be this chick with the perky boobs:

 

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But no, it looks like the clear front-runner is student-athlete Lauren:

 

 

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Click on thumbnails for a better look at Lauren’s booty

 

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“Actors are cattle.” — Alfred Hitchcock

 

 

Listen up, Deplorables: It’s Oscar time! That means it’s time for you to celebrate and cheer for the celebrities who have made so clear their contempt for you!

Keep buying those tickets, and be sure to watch as your heroes pat themselves on the back at the Academy Awards!

Or, you could subscribe to the words of the late, great Alfred Hitchcock:

 

“I once said that actors are cattle. However, actors are children, and they’re temperamental, and they need to be handled gently and sometimes slapped.” – 1962 interview

 

 

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“The fly-over states have become the passed-over states, that’s why red-state voters are so pissed off. They don’t hate us, they want to be us.” — Bill Maher

Great point. Because who in fly-over country doesn’t envy Maher’s charm and good looks?

 

 

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Well, duh.

Of course she’s right. And at 47, she’s still a hot piece of ass.

 

 

OK, maybe not as hot as back in her swimsuit-model days (below), but still ….

 

 

 

**

 

 

 

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I’ve decided that there is every likelihood that by the end of 2020, the United States will indeed have a border wall stretching from sea to shining sea.

I now believe this will happen because no one in Washington – including Donald Trump and Mitch McConnell — seems to actually want a wall. And if you take into account the general lack of competence in our politicians, it’s only logical that we’ll wind up with something that none of them really wants.

 

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I finally saw Happy Death Day on my television set.  The 2017 horror-comedy was a hit and has a sequel now in theaters. As a horror movie, it’s pretty generic. As a romantic comedy, it’s just so-so. But there’s no denying the star-power of Jessica Rothe, pictured above, who’s a comic delight.

 

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Jerk-Off Fantasy of the Week:

 

(Click on photo for, uh, closer examination of 29-year-old Lorrae)

 

Get your boners on, boys; that’s an inviting, pumpable ass. It comes courtesy of Slutty Girl Problems founder and publisher Lorrae Bradbury, and it confirms my theory that, much like the powerful male CEO who privately likes to be whipped by a dominatrix, women who gain power have a secret desire to let men bend them over a table, pecker-poke them in the rear, and plant their seed.

That’s just a hunch. But why else would you advertise like this?

 

Bradbury also has boobs

 

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“Jussie Smollett has now reportedly hired a high-priced defense lawyer.” – Jonathan Hunt on Fox News

Question: Do celebrities ever hire a low-priced defense lawyer?

 

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by Bryan Gruley

 

A 15-year-old autistic boy goes missing and his parents receive cryptic texts and e-mails, including an apparent ransom demand.

Bleak Harbor was just … average; not terrible, but certainly nothing special. There is a lot of texting and hacking and computer sleuthing, which I suppose modernizes the plot, but this is a story we’ve read many times before. There is, of course, a “big twist” near the end. Alas, the unexpected turn isn’t particularly credible.

 

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T & A in the News

 

I’m sure there’s nothing intentionally smarmy about this voice-over for Tomi Lahren’s new show on Fox:

 

“Tomi heads to the border for an up-close and personal look at

“It’s a revealing five-part series.”

 

 

That’s an up-close and personal look, alright. Also, is it really that cold on the border?

 

 

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Fox never seems to run out of new T&A talent. Someone named Abby is hosting stuff on their streaming service. Abby is apparently qualified to do journalism because she played volleyball and her dad is a famous basketball coach.

 

 

We tried to find pictures of Abby’s butt, which must exist because she played volleyball, but we got tired of searching.

So instead, please enjoy these pictures of Fox’s Anna Kooiman from her Web site:

 

© Lyndon Marceau / marceauphotography

© Lyndon Marceau / marceauphotography

 

 

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Celebrity Big Brother contestant Natalie Eva Marie (above) got the boot on last night’s episode. She has often mentioned her real brothers on the CBS show.

I hope for the boys’ sake that they aren’t hormonal teenagers, because this image of their sister could mess them up for life:

 

grouchyeditor.com Eva Marie

 

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What with our minus-30-degree cold spells, we have a bad enough reputation here in Minnesota without the likes of this guy making the news:

 

 

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The news just gets more and more depressing:

 

 

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The Monster

grouchyeditor.com Monster

 

It’s a simple title and a simple story, but sometimes that’s all you need. The Monster, in which a troubled mother and her 10-year-old daughter are terrorized by a creature in the woods, owes a debt to similar filmssubstitute the creature in Alien for the rabid dog in Cujo, and you have the gist of it — but what’s a pleasant surprise is the relationship between mom and her kid. Believe it or not, they seem both real and intelligent. In a horror movie. Go figure. Release: 2016 Grade: B

 

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From the Department of “God I Am Getting Old”

 

This post appeared on my Twitter feed:

 

 

I had no idea of what an “incel” is, so I had to look it up. Then, I had no idea what a “dogpill” is, so I had to look that up.

Sadly, now I know.

 

It’s all further evidence that Western civilization is about to collapse. I first became aware of this when I learned that Oscar winner Jennifer Connelly made a movie in which some dude cums on her face.

 

Jennifer Connelly making a splash

 

Additional evidence came when my buddy at YouTube’s Horrible Reviews devoted an entire segment to a filmmaker who makes poop movies.

I oppose censorship, but it would be nice if more of us would vote with our remotes or delete buttons, so we could start seeing a bit less of this (literal) shit.

 

**

 

 

“You’re just there to report on the corn-hole competition.” – Leland Vittert to cute co-anchor Kristin Fisher (above) on Fox News. Here’s the video:

 

 

Corn hole … corn hole?

 

 

Where had I heard that word? Oh, yeah. This movie:

 

 

 

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OK, the bonehead governor of Virginia should probably go. But here’s a question for Democrats:

You do realize, don’t you, that if you continue to hammer every public figure for every crime and misdemeanor committed in high school, college, or kindergarten, the only people left to vote for will be spotless gems like Mitt Romney and Mike Pence?

 

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Actress Andree Maranda gets corn holed by some black dude in The Toxic Avenger

 

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From the Department of Life Isn’t Fair

 

Bradley Cooper gets to go home and tap this fanny every night:

 

 

I get to go home and tap myself while looking at pictures of this fanny.

Life isn’t fair.*

 

*

 

Art of the Deal

 

How’s this for a win-win deal?

Louis C.K. agrees to shut up and go away for five years, which should please the left, but only if Kathy Griffin agrees to shut up and go away for five years, which should please the right.

 

*

 

Cave Man?

 

After apparently caving on the partial government shutdown, Donald Trump seems to be having a bad week. Some in the media are saying this is the beginning of his end.

Well, we’ve heard that song before, many times. My guess is that now it’s Trump’s turn. He will come up with something to cheer his base and infuriate his foes, because that’s what Trump does.

 

*

 

Mueller’s Problem …

 

… is that Washington is full of scoundrels – on both sides. As long as he continues to go solely after Trump allies and lets the other side skate, our long national nightmare will persist.

Lock them all up.

 

*

 

I watch cable news and become more and more convinced that we’re on the verge of a civil war.

Then I go to work, or to Target, or to the grocery store, and I look at people and I think, “Nah. These folks don’t seem in the mood for a civil war.”

 

**

 

For some reason, Jets fans are concerned about the physical appearance of their new head coach:

 

 

* Unless of course the rumors are true and one of them is gay and the relationship is a sham in which case, never mind.

 

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