The Grouchy Editor

 

Watching the news these days is like seeing the Titanic sink. The only questions are how fast will the country sink, who gets saved, and who finds a lifeboat. Guess who’s finding a lifeboat?

 

 

 

I’m just about to the point where I want every rich, famous, and powerful person in this country to be tossed overboard.

 

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You hate the media because it is a) too pro-Trump or b) too anti-Trump. I hate the media because when there is finally some good news for smokers, it’s ignored:

 

 

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I notice that our “essential” occupations tend to be jobs like truck driver and grocery-store clerk. Most white-collar jobs are “non-essential.” Guess which occupations get the fattest paychecks?

Speaking of checks … it’s been about a month now and I have yet to see any money from Uncle Sam. Have you?

 

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Fifteen years ago, I read a book called The Coming Generational Storm. That was, of course, long before this pandemic. Oh, boy.

Now we can look forward to a new war between the young and the old. We have dwindling resources; do we use them to secure the health of aging Boomers, or to secure the future for Millennials and Gen Z?

 

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I’ve poked fun at Tucker Carlson in the past, but the dude cranks out more provocative stories on a nightly basis than most other journalists do in a month.

Every weeknight, Carlson exposes some outrage, or some villain, that no one else seems to be covering. Everyone else is preoccupied with Trump, Pelosi, and other usual suspects.

 

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Hooray for Hollywood, which is teaming up with a pro-China organization (see yellow arrow, above) to fight the Wuhan virus. Apparently there are no other groups or charities our celebrities think can do a better job.

 

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Dinkle vs. King

 

 

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

Netflix’s Ozark (above) might not be quite at the level of Breaking Bad, but its third season comes awfully close.

Third seasons (or fourth seasons, or second seasons) aren’t always so memorable. For example, I am in the process of falling out of love with Babylon Berlin and Money Heist, both of which are beginning to seem slow, repetitive, and bloated.

 

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Joe Biden’s mind has clearly left the building.

I don’t care how much you detest Trump; you can’t put someone with Biden’s level of senility in the Oval Office.

 

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Biggest personal frustrations during this lockdown: Where can I get a fucking mask, and when/where can I get fucking tested?

 

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Surgeon General Jerome Adams (above) looks like an eager-to-please 12-year-old rehearsing a classroom speech. Why did he discourage everyone from wearing masks?

Also, isn’t it awfully easy for our president, who can get tested as often as he likes, to tell the rest of us that wide-scale testing is “not necessary”?

 

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Mark Cuban keeps popping up on Fox News. But I have yet to hear anyone ask the Dallas Mavericks owner if he thinks the NBA should sever ties with China.

 

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Tucker Carlson’s description of the World Health Organization’s director-general (above):

“The head of W.H.O., Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus, is a buffoonish villain right out of a Saturday-morning cartoon.”

 

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Inspiring Words from Famous Americans:

 

“Give me liberty, or give me death!” – Patrick Henry

“Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.” – John F. Kennedy

“We’ll see what happens!” – Donald J. Trump

 

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I’ve been critical of Trump today, but I don’t envy him his “biggest decision I’ve ever had to make” about when to re-open the economy.

The biggest decision I currently have to make is whether to keep using Kleenex to wipe myself or to go with the cheap-ass toilet paper I managed to find.

 

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

Perhaps David Geffen, Madonna, and other rich and famous jerks should sit down and read Poe’s The Masque of the Red Death (above). Especially Geffen, the billionaire who made the Instagram post below … before the backlash caused him to delete his account.

 

 

 

 

 

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I saw the above headline and was reminded of this Groucho Marx quote:

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don’t know.”

 

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I don’t know about you, but I’m growing tired of all these media reports about white-collar workers forced to work from home during this pandemic. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard news stories that refer to “everyone” working from home.

None of these idiots seem to realize that millions of Americans are not working from home. They aren’t working at all.

 

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Call me a homophobe if you must, but I can do without the male-on-male kissing scenes in Schitt’s Creek, which airs its final episode this week. I don’t expect gays to enjoy, say, Hugh Grant smooching Julia Roberts in a rom-com, so please don’t pressure me into (falsely) claiming that I dig seeing Dan Levy and Noah Reid locking lips in this show.

However … having said that, I can’t imagine a better public-relations show for gay acceptance than this Canadian sitcom. That’s because the characters played by Levy and Reid are so … damn … likable. You will like both of them, and you will want the best for them.

 

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WTF is this? Bill Gates, Anthony Fauci, and Deborah Birx involved in some nefarious scheme to depopulate the world?

Problem is, the past month has been so surreal, so Twilight Zone-like, that it opens one’s mind to all sorts of other things, including conspiracy theories. So, Bill Gates and doctors Fauci and Birx are plotting to depopulate the world? Hey, we are all of us now Charlton Heston in The Omega Man, so anything seems possible.

 

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Good Minnesota Mike:

 

Bad Minnesota Mike:

 

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

We thought about regaling you this week with hilarious stories about our recent ski trip to Aspen, or our holiday at a seaside resort in Jamaica, but … truth is, we’re just like you: stuck in the living room, scrolling aimlessly through a Netflix queue.

We’re not complaining, mind you. Trying to decide between streaming new episodes of Ozark and checking out Internet porn sure beats being hooked up to a ventilator in the Bronx.

But our job is to babble about trivialities. Here is a progress report on what we’ve been watching on Netflix:

 

Babylon Berlin: I got hooked on the first two seasons, but the thrill is fading. Maybe it’s because the novelty of this Weimar-era German show has worn off. Or maybe it’s because this is a relentlessly dour drama lacking the delightful musical interludes it once had. In any case, I’ve now watched five episodes of season three but am debating whether or not to continue.

 

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The Valhalla Murders: It’s an Icelandic cop show, utterly devoid of originality. But it’s the TV equivalent of a “cozy mystery” novel, and sometimes that’s all you want. Plus, the scenery is, as you might expect, fascinating. I am on episode 6 and will certainly finish the season.

 

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Tiger King: This documentary (pictured at top) about American private zoos and the nut jobs who run them is getting rave reviews. Watching it, I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve asked myself, “Can that be legal?” or “Does this really happen in the United States?” But I also get depressed thinking about the sheer volume of Americans who are into stuff like gaping at caged animals or, for that matter, professional wrestling. Trump supporters are stigmatized enough without being lumped in with these idiots (assuming, of course, that these idiots are Trump supporters). I’ve watched the first two episodes and (heavy sigh) will probably finish the season.

 

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On my list but not yet watched: Kingdom, The Platform (above), Ozark.

 

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Trump should seriously consider nominating Howie Mandel for our next surgeon general. Famed germaphobe Howie (above) doesn’t seem like such an oddball anymore.

 

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Other than our Howie Mandel recommendation, we’re not discussing the virus this week. It’s depressing and we will be talking about it for years to come.

 

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

These are going to be high times for villains and scoundrels. With everyone distracted by the virus, especially the media, just think of all the crimes and misdemeanors our country’s assholes can commit.

The media might not notice because they are too distracted and angered at the girl pictured above with Trump.

Nothing seems to rile up the left (i.e. the media) quite so much as a hot chick who happens to be conservative. Especially if she also happens to be a reporter.

Hence, you get headlines like this one in The Daily Beast after a cutie named Chanel Rion tossed Trump a softball at a coronavirus press conference:

 

 

Trump liked her question. He liked it so much, in fact, that he ignored social-distancing protocol to get a bit handsy with the OAN reporter (picture at top).

We don’t care if Chanel’s a conservative bimbo or a brave journalist standing up to her liberal peers. We just like to look:

 

 

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                                                          Click on thumbnails for a larger view

 

OK, so that last thumbnail is not really Rion. But it could be, couldn’t it?

 

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Yes indeed, these will be high times for scoundrels. On the other hand, looks like grim times for crooks who specialize in home burglaries, because everyone’s at home.

 

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Since grocery stores are reaping the rewards of a consumer bonanza, I certainly hope they are sharing the unexpected profits with their employees.

 

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I don’t know if anyone still does this, but in the past journalists used to contact psychics or astrologists or whatever they are at the end of the year, or the beginning of the new year, to make their annual predictions.

It would be interesting to see if any of these geniuses predicted this damn pandemic.

 

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How come I’m not reading anything about the possibility that this virus was something China was developing as a biological weapon? Is that silly? Not remotely likely? Do I watch too many movies?

 

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

 Griping as the World Comes to an End

 

Thanks to this damned coronavirus, I am subjected on a daily basis to news pundits and politicians mispronouncing two simple words. Both words appear in the following sentence: “In an effort to combat the nasty virus that is spreading throughout the world, health experts are advising everyone to wash their hands so that they do not contract it.”

 

 

You comBAT coronavirus; you don’t COMbat it. You might conTRACT it; you don’t CONtract it.

Problem is, you can’t discuss the crisis without at some point using at least one of these words.

I am looking at you, Mike Pence.

 

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Whatever happens in the coming months, we must all agree to bail out the airline and cruise industries, professional sports teams, and other wealthy businesses before we even think of helping individual citizens.

We must also ensure that our highest priority during this trial is to assuage Wall Street because – and I coined this phrase myself, but feel free to use it – if there is one thing Wall Street dislikes, it’s uncertainty.

 

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Because virus fear is making everyone stupid, I feel I must point out that the above comments about bailing out the rich are sarcastic. I don’t really mean it.

But it will probably happen, anyway.

 

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This “social distancing” business is going to be a real pain in the ass for people like me.

I live in an apartment building, and I generally start out my mornings in the same way: I enjoy a cup of coffee, then I walk down the hallway, knocking on my neighbors’ doors and asking if anyone would care to have sex with me.

Typically, I will then have sex with three or four people before continuing with my day.

But now I am supposed to keep six feet away from the neighbors? Sad.

 

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Again, because everyone is now stupid, I must point out that the above comments about boinking my neighbors is me just kidding.

 

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I received an email from my cable company informing me that it is doing everything possible to ensure that I can still watch TV.

That’s the really important thing.

 

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Some good news: Everyone in Congress is at least 60 years old. So they are not likely to dilly-dally over battling this virus, which primarily targets the elderly.

 

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It is politically incorrect to criticize China.

Fuck you, China.

 

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You can have a president with a nasty personality. You can have a president who is a socialist. But you cannot have a president who, thinking he is pressing a button for room service, is instead pressing a button for the nuclear codes.

I am looking at you, Joe Biden.

 

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Self-Isolated with My Twitter Feed

 

Leggy females on cable news are many things, but I don’t usually associate them with great wit or humor. That’s why I was surprised to see this Tweet from Fox’s Gillian Turner:

 

 

But then came the explanation:

 

 

More Stupid People

 

 

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This dude Fauci (above) seems to have his shit together. I tend to trust him.

I suppose that now that we are looking to him for reassurance, he will become embroiled in some scandal involving a male prostitute in a hotel room.

 

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If some jerk with Photoshop can do this to a picture of Maria Sharapova, he can do it to anyone.

And so, if you see a photo of me naked on the Web and my penis is small and shriveled, rest assured it was doctored by some Internet creep. If, on the other hand, you should see a naked photo of me and my penis is large and handsome, that would be the real deal.

 

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)