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24Feb

Shutter Island

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Back in 1980, critics’ darling Stanley Kubrick delighted Stephen King fans (if not King, himself) by choosing to film The Shining. Kubrick hadn’t ventured into horror before, but the resulting movie is now considered a classic of the genre. Somehow I doubt that, 30 years from now, film historians will be as kind to acclaimed director Martin Scorsese’s foray into horror, Shutter Island.

This is not a bad movie, just a lethargic one. As you might expect from Scorsese, it looks gorgeous, it has a grade-A calibre cast, and no production value has been spared. But its twist is nothing new, its psychological “insights” are cliched and, well, put it this way: If you’ve seen The Wizard of Oz, there’s nothing here to surprise you. Oh, and The Wizard of Oz was scarier.

This is all a shame because the trappings of something fun are all here: a spooky island with a menacing mental hospital; a vicious storm that knocks out the power; hospital staff members who are as creepy as the inmates; hints at horrible doings in the past and horrible doings to come.

But Scorsese seems to coast through all of it. He has no fun with the material, and so neither do we. I used to criticize Scorsese for rarely venturing out of his comfort zone, which is the gangster picture. But after this misfired attempt at horror, maybe gangsterville is where he should stay. Grade: B-

Director: Martin Scorsese Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Ben Kingsley, Michelle Williams, Mark Ruffalo, Emily Mortimer, Jackie Earle Haley, Max Von Sydow, Patricia Clarkson Release: 2010

Watch Trailers and Clips (click here)

24Feb

District 9

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It must suck to be a professional film critic these days. The critic goes to college, learns about Bergman and Hitchcock and Ford … and then spends 90 percent of his career reviewing junk aimed at 14-year-old boys. So when the film critic catches sight — just a glimpse! — of something adult or meaningful in a movie, he tends to go overboard with praise. I can think of no other explanation for the absurdly high rating accorded District 9 on rottentomatoes.com.

The movie does begin well. Here we have a science-fiction film that appears to actually say something about illegal immigration, or apartheid, or some other social issue, with an analogy that shows mankind’s shabby treatment of predator-like aliens who become stranded in South Africa.

But producer Peter Jackson and director Neill Blomkamp haven’t forgotten who butters their bread — those aforementioned 14-year-old boys. And so District 9 quickly devolves into a routine chase movie, a shoot ’em up with jerky special effects.

Was the ending supposed to be poignant? I was just happy that the damned thing was finally over. Grade: D

Director: Neill Blomkamp Cast: Sharlto Copley, Jason Cope, David James, Mandla Gaduka, William Allen Young, Vanessa Haywood, Kenneth Nkosi, Devlin Brown Release: 2009

Watch Trailers and Clips (click here)

24Feb

This Is It

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According to the blurb on the DVD of this documentary, This Is It offers a “raw and candid” look at the legendary Michael Jackson as he rehearsed for, alas, his never-to-be final concert tour. But here is the “raw and candid” footage we actually get of Jackson’s rehearsals: Every five minutes or so, Jackson mutters a few incomprehensible comments to his director from the stage; in brief interviews, numerous dancers and crew tell us how much they adore Jackson; he dances a lot, and sings portions (never the entirety) of his hit songs.

I don’t believe I can be accused of being anti-Jackson because, whatever his politics and personal life might have been, I was a fan the minute he and his nappy-headed brothers (hello, Don Imus) burst onto the scene in 1969, bubble-gum rocking their way into my 12-year-old soul. Hell, I even liked young Jackson’s love song to a rat, the unjustly neglected “Ben.”

But this documentary reeks of exploitation. Jackson was a perfectionist. There is a reason professionals rehearse; they want audiences to get the best possible final product. This mishmash will appeal strongly to die-hard Jackson fans and wannabe choreographers, but for the general Jackson fan, this ain’t it. Grade: C-

Director: Kenny Ortega Featuring: Michael Jackson Release: 2009

Watch Trailers and Clips (click here)

24Feb

Free Flick of the Week: “The Lady Vanishes”

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I’ve been visiting The Internet Movie Database for years, but only recently did I discover the wealth of free movies on the site. The bad news? If you can’t stomach “old,” black-and-white flicks, there isn’t much for you. The good news, of course, is that there’s a lot for the rest of us. If you like Hitchcock, and if North by Northwest whets your whistle, check out The Lady Vanishes, which is playful Hitchcock from 1938 that shows that the master was on his game well before David Selznick lured him to Hollywood. Go here and watch it free.

24Feb

Crabby Film Reviews

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The Grouch recently spread his bile to rottentomatoes.com, where he does his best to trash movies new to the screen and new to your TV. (Actually, some of the reviews are quite positive.)

Check out what the Grouch has to say at the grouchyeditor page on Rotten Tomatoes.

23Feb

A Perfect Getaway

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There is a method employed by veteran whodunit fans trying to guess, well, who done it. First, eliminate any obvious bad guys or, as one character in A Perfect Getaway dubs them, the “red snappers” (herrings). Then, concentrate on whomever is least likely to have committed the crime. If the author is skilled enough, he or she will still manage to fool you. Sometimes, the butler really does do it.

I was able to guess whodunit in A Perfect Getaway, but not too early in the game. The movie is skillfully done, its Hawaiian scenery is breathtaking, and the actors are also easy on the eyes, so surprise endings didn’t matter all that much.

And yet, the brains behind A Perfect Getaway violate a cardinal rule of the “big reveal” school of filmmaking: After the clever twist is unveiled, the film goes on … and on … and on. It’s as if Agatha Christie had Hercule Poirot reveal the killer’s identity, and then devoted the next 25 pages to anticlimactic backstory. Grade: C+

Director: David Twohy Cast: Timothy Olyphant, Milla Jovovich, Kiele Sanchez, Chris Hemsworth, Marley Shelton, Steve Zahn Release: 2009

Watch Trailers and Clips (click here)

20Feb

The Weekly Review: February 14 – 20

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Ozzie and Harriet OK, we’re all a little tired of this melodrama, but there are no “victims” in this soap opera. Certainly not golf fans, who were foolish enough to put Tiger on his pedestal. Not Woods’s wife, who had to know what she was getting into when she married the lunkhead. Not the mistresses, who will rake in big bucks from porn films, talk shows, and Gloria Allred lawsuits. As for Tiger himself, he will finish his “rehab” and go back to his enchanted golf career.

*****

Roger Ebert The esteemed film critic says he doesn’t want pity, but I feel I might owe him an apology. In the past, I have occasionally befouled the comments section of his Web site. Ebert would usually reply to my (sometimes drunken) rants, and he always did so in a civil tone. He’s a class act who really is a victim, unlike that boneheaded golfer pictured at top.

*****

Shutter Island There is just one thing missing from Martin Scorsese’s Shutter Island: fun. The movie is gloomy, which is not the same as scary. On just a fraction of Scorsese’s budget, the makers of Paranormal Activity at least managed to produce a few chills.

*****

Kevin Smith No sympathy for this guy, who got booted off a Southwest Airlines flight because his booty was too big for one seat. I am a smoker, and I don’t recall the Kevin Smiths of the world standing up for us when we got the boot.

19Feb

The Weekly Review: February 7 – 13

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Going for the Gold They tell us that the Olympics are all about team spirit and patriotism, but are they really? I think that, at least for the Americans, they’re more about self-promotion. When I hear a report about Lindsey Vonn, I’m not thinking about sports, I’m wondering how long before she follows up Sports Illustrated with an appearance in Playboy.

*****

Cheap Thrills Ten years ago I made the mistake of believing the buzz about The Blair Witch Project, a low-budget horror flick that failed to horrify me. Now we have Paranormal Activity, another cheap chiller, and … surprise! It ain’t half bad.

*****

Down Home This is Willie Nelson in a coffin, I have no idea why.

18Feb

The Weekly Review: January 31 – February 6

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Taylor Swift I’m sorry, but when she performed live at the Grammys, I thought I was listening to Mercedes McCambridge doing her devil voice from The Exorcist. And people complain that the poor girl is being attacked?

Avatar Stop the talk about James Cameron’s Avatar setting box-office records. When you account for inflation, Avatar isn’t in the top five all-time earners — and neither is Titanic. What’s atop the list? Gone With the Wind.

Kathryn Bigelow Unlike Avatar, I’ve actually seen The Hurt Locker, which was … OK. It will be amusing to see which movie comes out on top at the Oscars, Bigelow’s overrated Western or ex-husband Cameron’s latest comic book.

Lost Yet another show I haven’t seen. Everyone is wondering how it will end. I am reminded of The X Files, and I believe it’s a lot easier to come up with bizarre plot threads than it is to actually resolve them.

J.D. Salinger For my money, one of the great intrigues of the 20th Century was the story of an author who, after penning a single literary masterpiece, pretty much dropped off the face of the media-hungry earth. But enough about Harper Lee.

Survivor Jeff Probst and his gang of half-naked idiots are once again gracing the CBS schedule, and some of us couldn’t be happier. There is nothing quite like pixelated breasts.

04Feb

Male Gazing: Midwest Girls Part 7

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No matter which city you live in (or near), if you are a horny male, at some point you’ve had thoughts about your local female news anchor. Naughty thoughts. Problem is, news anchors have codes of ethics. (Or at least they used to have ethics.) You are not likely to exchange naked pics with her on Snapchat.

Then again, there is such a thing as “leaked nudes” that were intended to be private.

The images below of Amelia are clearly fake.

Or are they?

Amelia