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02May

Hesher

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I’m guessing Hesher will look great in its promotional spots: See zany Hesher, the long-haired, tattooed stoner, teach granny how to smoke a bong! See Hesher freak out and hurl furniture, grills, and people into a swimming pool! Watch as Hesher teaches dirty words to a little kid!

But here’s the problem: People who buy tickets hoping to see Joseph Gordon-Levitt as the title character doing all of those wild-and-crazy things will get their wish, but they’ll probably be mildly disappointed, as well, because this movie wants nothing so much as to tug at the heartstrings, and as a mixture of comedy and drama, Hesher is a mess. It’s an admirable, interesting misfire, but a misfire nonetheless.

The film has a cute premise. Party animal Hesher meets 13-year-old TJ (Devin Brochu), invites himself into TJ’s home and life … and then refuses to leave. This new arrangement does not bother TJ’s father (Rainn Wilson), a man so lost in grief over the car-accident death of his wife that everything escapes his notice, including the fact that he’s been staring glassy-eyed at Wild Kingdom on the TV screen for weeks. TJ’s sweet-natured grandmother, played by Piper Laurie, takes an instant liking to her grandson’s new “best friend.”

Hesher turns out to be the anti-Mary Poppins for this family of three still reeling from the loss of the mother. Rather than offer a spoonful of sugar, Hesher prescribes a bongful of weed for granny, and a crash course in arson for TJ. That might sound amusing, but Hesher also tackles somber issues, like grief and schoolyard bullies, with clumsy shifts in tone. It doesn’t help that 20-something Hesher’s “bond” with young TJ is less than convincing. (Natalie Portman, cast against type as a bespectacled, accident-prone cashier, is surprisingly good.)

This mix of madcap stoner and mopey mourners might have looked good on paper (and in trailers), but Hesher is too often a kegger with flat beer. Grade: C+

Director: Spencer Susser Cast: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Natalie Portman, Rainn Wilson, Piper Laurie, Devin Brochu, John Carroll Lynch, Brendan Hill Release: 2011

Watch Trailers (click here)

01May

The Weekly Review: April 24 – 30

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The British Are Coming — Again!

I have mixed feelings about the Brits. Nobody, and I mean nobody, gave the world better theater (Shakespeare), music (The Beatles), movies (Hitchcock), and literature (too many to mention). But the sun has set on the empire, and the English seem to be having difficulty coping with that fact. For example:

The Royal Wedding

I got up early on Friday to take in the pomp and circumstance. It was worth it. I felt like I was watching a movie — Excalibur comes to mind. Westminster Abbey was breathtaking — and normally I use that adjective only before nouns like “female” and “buttocks.” The music was dramatic, there was genuine tension in the air (would Prince Harry hit on Kate’s cute sister?), and it was great fun to see ancient poops like Queen Elizabeth, Prince Philip, and of course Elton John.

But the wedding was also an enormous joke. As Jerry Seinfeld would say, this was England putting on a show, trying to convince the rest of us that these royal idiots somehow still matter. They do not — unless you are some 18-year-old royal guardsman who foolishly called Kate “a stupid stuck-up cow” and a “posh bitch” on the Internet.

Making matters worse was CNN’s bonehead-in-chief Piers Morgan, who declared that the nuptials of His Toothiness and his Bovine Bride signaled that “the monarchy is back!”

As an American, I really shouldn’t care about any of this. Problem is, the British were sending a message to little girls everywhere , including American girls, that it is the wedding — not the marriage — that matters most.

Harry Potter

I finally got around to watching part one of the final Harry Potter movie, and it was as sluggish and dull as I had feared. The blame for this must go to director David Yates who, as a critic for Eclipse magazine points out, “completely sucked the magic out of this franchise.” Since Yates took over with Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, the series has turned into a very handsome but empty experience.

The King’s Speech

It seems that a lot of folks are falling for movie-studio bullshit that this film is based “on a true story.” That’s a load of hogwarts. The stuttering part is accurate, but the deification of King George as played by Colin Firth is a crock of crumpets. If you need proof, it can be found in this essay that Christopher Hitchens penned for Slate.

*****

I’ve said it before: There is only one current comic strip that qualifies as truly funny — Tony Carrillo’s brilliant F Minus.

26Apr

Diary of a Drug Fiend

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by Aleister Crowley

Crowley, denounced as “the wickedest man in the world” by some contemporaries, was an early 20th-century occultist, philosopher, and writer who apparently got off on ruffling societal feathers. Diary, Crowley’s first novel, chronicles a year in the life of young Peter Pendragon, heir to a fortune who discovers two things in life that seem worthy of his love: heroin and a girl named Lou. In a wild journey that might make Hunter S. Thompson envious, Peter and Lou cross Europe in a heroin- and cocaine-fueled daze, crash back to earth, and are rescued by the charismatic “King Lamus,” the proponent of a religion called Thelema.

Diary is dated, bogged down by purple prose and – for anyone who’s read Bret Easton Ellis – not particularly shocking. And yet, despite Crowley’s florid writing and the mothball-like feel of events, the novel does raise provocative questions. Per this “wicked” author, life is full of paradoxes, happiness is something you must work at, and you should always be true to yourself.

26Apr

Free Flick of the Week: “McLintock!”

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“Not recommended for feminists.” So says critic Leonard Maltin about this John Wayne-Maureen O’Hara comic western, but I can’t imagine why Maltin feels that way. Could it be the spankings administered to O’Hara and Stefanie Powers by their McLintock! male co-stars? Watch this 1963 oater – which is loosely based on Shakespeare’s The Taming of the Shrew, of all things – for free by clicking here.

25Apr

No Return

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The last time I watched a film co-produced by Spain and Argentina, the result was one of the best pictures of the year – from any country. That was in 2010, and the movie was the romantic thriller, The Secret in Their Eyes.

So when I walked into a theater a few nights ago to see another Spanish-Argentinean project, my expectations might have been too high. Director Miguel Cohan’s No Return is intelligent, well-acted, and has an intriguing story … but it feels flat.

No Return depicts the consequences of a tragic car-bicycle accident. Young Pablo is struck not once but twice – the second time fatally while he is tending to his broken bicycle on a street in Buenos Aires. Like the spokes of the wheel on Pablo’s battered bike, the repercussions of the accident spread out in multiple directions.

Three families are affected: Hit-and-run driver Matias (Martin Slipak) and his parents; the father (Federico Luppi) of the accident victim; and entertainer Federico (Leonardo Sbaraglia), who is falsely accused of the crime. As each group deals with the fallout from the accident, which becomes a media event, No Return is compelling – but not particularly moving. I think this is the case because Cohan’s script asks the audience to invest emotionally in too many characters over a short period of time.

No Return is one of those films you are happy to have seen, but will probably not revisit. Grade: B

Director: Miguel Cohan Cast: Leonardo Sbaraglia, Martin Slipak, Barbara Goenaga, Luis Machin, Ana Celentano, Arturo Goetz, Agustin Vazquez, Federico Luppi, Pedro Merlo Release: 2010

Watch the Trailer (click here)

23Apr

The Weekly Review: April 17 – 23

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I guess this video of a train running smack-dab through the middle of a crowded market in Bangkok has been around for awhile on YouTube, but I just discovered it. You should too. For a sampler (there are numerous videos), click here.

*****

Mel Gibson’s new Jodie Foster-directed movie The Beaver premieres next week. I have not, of course, seen the movie, but I did not let that stop me from posting a review on Rotten Tomatoes. The response from scores of “tomato heads” was lively. Click here to read my “review” and their comments.

*****

I complain about American women who gush over anything and everything the Brits call “royal.” The British monarchy and everything surrounding it belong in a museum. However … every fall, American women are subjected to a (mostly) male ritual called the National Football League, which, if I’m objective about it, which I have a hard time being, also belongs in some museum. So this upcoming wedding? Knock yourself out, ladies.

*****

I rarely fly, so I am finding this whole air-traffic-controller flap quite entertaining. I am also amused by screaming babies, delayed flights, and lost luggage. LOL!

*****

Here is a picture of some chick and her butt. I don’t know who she is, and I simply don’t care.

22Apr

Tucker & Dale vs. Evil

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Tucker & Dale vs. Evil has some of the funniest sight gags I’ve seen in a long, long time. Rookie director Eli Craig’s horror-comedy takes the redneck-slasher flick, hangs it upside down from a meat-hook, and invites us to laugh at the fallout.

Outside of a Three Stooges short, it’s probably not possible to make a movie with nonstop visual jokes, but that’s a shame because there are some doozies in this farce. After watching Tucker and Dale do their thing, seeing Leatherface brandish a chainsaw will never again seem so threatening. Alas, there is also bad news: Tucker & Dale has a plot.

Dale (Tyler Labine), one of our two hillbilly heroes, is fat and slow on the uptake, but blessed with a heart of gold. He and buddy Tucker (Alan Tudyk) want nothing more than some peace and quiet on their vacation at Tucker’s woodland cabin. When some college kids – airheads who’ve seen way too many movies – invade the boys’ West Virginia mountain retreat, we know nothing good will come of it. There will be blood – just not in the ways you might think.

One of the college kids is super-sexy-smart Allison (Katrina Bowden), a psychology student, and Dale is instantly smitten. If you’ve seen any Judd Apatow movie, you know exactly how this will turn out: In the fantasy world that Hollywood regularly offers to teenage audiences, every slob gets his girl.

Tucker & Dale runs out of steam at about its midpoint, when plot gets in the way and the movie devolves into the same kind of silly slasher flick it has been lampooning so admirably. My advice to you: Whenever the story gets talky and the dialogue turns “serious,” saunter out to the lobby and buy some popcorn, or have a smoke in front of the theater. Just try to be back in time for the sight gags. Grade: B-

Director: Eli Craig Cast: Tyler Labine, Alan Tudyk, Katrina Bowden, Jesse Moss, Philip Granger, Brandon Jay McLaren, Christie Laing, Chelan Simmons, Travis Nelson Release: 2010

Watch Trailers and Clips (click here)

18Apr

Free Flick of the Week: “My Favorite Brunette”

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When you think about it, comedian Bob Hope’s movie persona was one odd duck. I mean, would you trust the guy alone with your kids, much less your girlfriend? Might not your kids wind up in the microwave, and your girlfriend running for her life? Try not to think about it. Instead, watch old ski-nose in his 1947 prime, co-starring with Dorothy Lamour in My Favorite Brunette. Watch it for free by clicking here.

17Apr

Blow Out (1981)

Posted in Books, Movies, TV & Web, Oldies | 1 Comment

Brian De Palma gets no respect. De Palma directed Carrie, which some people think of as “the Stephen King movie.” He also helmed Scarface, which fans will tell you is “the Al Pacino movie.” And when De Palma wrote and directed a string of devilishly amusing, sexy thrillers in the 1980s, critics accused him of ripping off Alfred Hitchcock.

I‘m going to defend De Palma. I want to do this because I am filled with righteous indignation. De Palma, you should know, not only gave us stylish suspense: The man probably did more for the titillating shower scene than any other filmmaker in history. (Okay, with the possible exception of Bob Clark and Porky’s.)

Blow Out, which puts a movie sound-effects whiz played by John Travolta in the middle of a political assassination and cover-up, is certainly Hitchcockian. We have the hero (Travolta) whom no one will believe; the attractive, none-too-happy love interest (Nancy Allen, De Palma’s wife) who is tricked into a conspiracy; and a MacGuffin – who, exactly, is responsible for the crime?

The plot may be Hitchcock, but the movie’s striking visuals are pure De Palma. No one utilized slow-motion, tracking shots, split screen, and color quite like he did. It’s a compliment to the director when a viewer can absorb five minutes of a film and conclude, “This must be a De Palma movie.” And, oh, the dramatic music in this film. Composer Pino Donaggio’s soaring strings are ear-popping, yes, but they gel perfectly with the operatic visuals.

Blow Out isn’t De Palma’s best thriller (my vote goes to Body Double). Allen, as Travolta’s ditzy comrade-in-arms, is no Eva Marie Saint. The story’s frantic climax is a feast for the eyes – but it’s also over-the-top silly.

But when you watch a De Palma production you tend to forgive his indulgences because you feel like you’re watching a Hollywood movie – well-crafted and meant to be enjoyed. And did I mention that no one did better shower scenes? Grade: B

Director: Brian De Palma Cast: John Travolta, Nancy Allen, John Lithgow, Dennis Franz, Peter Boyden, Missy Cleveland, Cindy Manion, Missy O’Shea, Marcy Bigelman, Ann Kelly Release: 1981

Watch the Trailer (click here)

16Apr

The Weekly Review: April 10 – 16

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Quote of the Week Number 1: “I’m not sticking with people who are homophobic, anti-women, you know, moral values while you’re diddling your secretary, while you’re giving a speech on moral values. Come on, get off of it.” — former Sen. Alan Simpson.

Quote of the Week Number 2: “That’s all you need.” — Walter Breuning, at age 114 the world’s oldest man until he died Thursday, stating his belief that people should get by on just two meals a day.

Quote of the Week Number 3: “These aren’t special people.” — comedian Jerry Seinfeld dissing British royals and the circus atmosphere of the upcoming nuptials.

Quote of the Week Number 4: “Life is just a game. When we get too serious about it, we fail.” — tweet from Kirstie Alley, who has never been a struggling single mother with two part-time jobs.

*****

Gold Diggers of the Week, Part 1: An appeals court ruled that Tyler and Cameron Winklevoss cannot undo their 2008 settlement with Mark Zuckerberg, which gave the twin brothers a $20 million cash payment and part-ownership of Facebook.

CNN legal analyst Sunny Hostin gushed to Brooke Baldwin — twice — that the court ruling was too bad because the Winklevoss boys are so “cute.” To this humble reporter, the twins look more Herman Munster than cute.

Gold Diggers of the Week, Part 2: Jenn Sterger, who decided her silence about Brett Favre and Penisgate had gone on long enough. Who will show this former Playboy model the money?

*****

Whiner of the Week: Justin Bieber tweeting about pesky photographers during a layover in Israel: “You would think paparazzi would have some respect in holy places. All I wanted was the chance to walk where Jesus did here in Israel.”

Justin might have been distraught after news broke that tween sensation Rebecca Black’s “Friday” reached 100 million views on YouTube.

*****

Asshole of the Week: Republican Paul Ryan. Just because.

*****

Headline of the Week:

*****

Poor Housing Choice of the Week: Trailers. God must really, really hate trailers.