THE END OF
THE WORLD
The world ends today, so don’t feel obligated to read this post. Have a beer, instead — if you have time.
I had a feeling something like this was going to happen because the other night I watched an obscure 1960s movie called Twisted Nerve, and in it Hayley Mills sees a man’s penis in the woods. The moment I saw that scene, I knew the world must be ending. I mean … Pollyanna?
*****
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Poor Ray Milland. I can’t think of another star from Hollywood’s golden age who, as his career faded, wound up in more embarrassing movies. Milland, once-upon-a-time lead actor in classics like The Uninvited and The Lost Weekend, by the 1970s was sharing a human torso with Rosey Grier in The Thing with Two Heads. Frogs isn’t quite that bizarre, but it is, as filmcritic.com observes, “ridiculous, yet inexplicably watchable.” Milland plays a crusty Southern patriarch whose family members fall prey to creepy crawlies on a remote island. Watch it free by clicking here.
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Crazy Chicks Edition
“Yes, it improved the way I look, but this surgery was necessary for medical reasons.” — role model Bristol Palin, 20, explaining the plastic surgery that gave her a new face. Right, Bristol. Your surgery had nothing to do with your new career as a reality TV star. Did you learn how to lie from your mother?
*****
The older I get, the less crazy that Shirley MacLaine seems to me. Shirley is now promoting her new book, I’m Over All That, but I’m going to read the book that initially crowned her Queen of the Flakes back in the ’80s, Out on a Limb. Reincarnation? UFOs? Hey, you got any better ideas?
*****
Correction: It appears we committed a grievous error in the March 13 edition of the “Weekly Review.” Apparently we misidentified Kate Middleton’s royal rump. It now appears that the bikinied bottom we reproduced belongs to Middleton’s wild-and-crazy sister Pippa. We apologize to Kate’s arse, and to Pippa’s arse, which is rising in popularity now that it has its own Twitter account:
*****
Hilary Swank is a movie star who, let’s face it, is not blessed with movie-star looks. But L.A. radio host Kim Masters was a bit harsh when she told Swank, “[Meryl Streep] is not a pretty girl, and you’re not either.” Swank took the insult in good humor. Good on Swank, bad on Masters.
*****
Media Bullshit of the Week: David Letterman (age 64), Chris Matthews (age 65) and other TV knuckleheads have been calling the late Osama bin Laden “old.” Bin Laden was born in 1957. It is scientifically, socially, and journalistically not possible for anyone born in 1957 to be “old.”
Now get off my lawn.
*****
Is there anyone more physically repulsive than the American politician? Someone, I forget who, once said that the average politico is an egotist too homely to go into acting, so he (or she) pursues public service instead. Anything for attention.
What makes the politician even more repellent is his vanity — these guys, cringe-inducing as they are, actually believe that they are attractive. This is made possible because they have power. People will overlook a pile of feces in the street if there’s money buried beneath it.
I am ranting about this because I just watched a politician named “Dutch” Ruppersberger on the news, and I didn’t hear a thing he was saying because I was too distracted by the ridiculous toupee on his ancient pate. Is no one in this guy’s inner circle courageous enough to tell him he’s making an ass of himself?
To me, the hands-down winner of any Ugly on a Stick competition has to be Newt Gingrich: fat, smarmy, scrunch-faced, slit-eyed and with an attitude that says, “Tom Cruise, eat your heart out!” Would the nation ever recover from a president this ugly?
*****
We can’t conclude this week’s “Review” on such an ugly note, so let’s forget about politicians and instead remember Yvette Vickers, the Playboy Playmate who, sadly, was discovered dead and mummified in her California home last week. Here is Yvette back in her 1950s Playboy glory days:
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The makers of Bridesmaids are going to great lengths to convince prospective ticket buyers that their film is not one of those dreaded “chick flicks.” Don’t let them fool you, fellas, because Oh. Yes. It. Is.
Bridesmaids brings to the table nearly everything clichéd about the much-maligned wedding movie: the self-pitying heroine (Kristen Wiig), who watches in horror as her best friend dumps her in favor of material bliss; the caddish lover (Jon Hamm); the long-suffering “good guy” (Chris O’Dowd) who puts up with all manner of female foolishness; the wisecracking girlfriends. In other words, Bridesmaids is a female version of a Judd Apatow movie – and that’s not a good thing.
Apatow, perhaps stung by criticism of the string of male-oriented Porky’s clones on his resume, produces this vehicle for Wiig (she also co-wrote the screenplay) and, I’ll have to admit, on the few occasions that I actually laughed, it was during scenes that featured an Apatow specialty: gross-out humor.
But this movie is no step forward for the romantic comedy. Showcasing actresses who behave just as immaturely as the boys do in movies like Superbad and The Hangover is not exactly an advancement for feminism in Hollywood. Proving that girls can do everything boys can do only matters if what they do is worth doing. Alas, just as The Hangover insisted it was the bachelor party that matters most, in Bridesmaids it’s the wedding that is all important – not marriage itself.
Despite what the promoters of Bridesmaids would have you believe, this movie is not about “relationships” between anyone – male or female. Each character is there to serve a simple function: set up the next (usually lame) comedy sketch.
Whatever happened to the good “chick flick” – movies like Four Weddings and a Funeral and Terms of Endearment? Grade: C+
Director: Paul Feig Cast: Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph, Rose Byrne, Melissa McCarthy, Chris O’Dowd, Wendi McLendon-Covey, Jill Clayburgh, Jon Hamm, Ellie Kemper Release: 2011
Watch Trailers and Clips (click here)
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by Timothy Schaffert
Ordinarily, if you tell me that a book is “charming,” “lyrical,” and set in small-town Nebraska, I’ll ask you to hand me the TV remote on your way out the door, but Coffins is an exception. Schaffert’s plot is slight and a bit far-fetched: A cornfield community gains notoriety when the national media descends to cover an alleged child abduction, while a publishing house chooses the same burg to surreptitiously print a Harry Potter-like book.
It’s the characters who matter in this novel, in particular three generations (grandmother, grandson, and his teen niece) of one family. They reassure us that in 2011 Mayberry might be battered, bruised, and a bit less innocent, but its wholesome values survive – at least in one Midwestern town.
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OK, so it’s not quite of the same caliber as All the President’s Men, but no one smouldered quite like Paul Newman, and very few did “spunky” as well as Sally Field. Watch them duel as a journalist (Field) is duped into printing a damaging story about an innocent man (Newman). Sydney Pollack directs. Click here to watch it free.
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Cheers & Jeers
Cheers to South Park — Your season-opening spoof of Steve Jobs and The Human Centipede was pure genius.
Jeers to Catholics — You are telling the world that John Paul II, a sick puppy who presided over years of pedophile cover-ups, is worthy of sainthood?
Cheers to “high” gas prices — They aren’t really that high (ask Europeans). Americans are whining because it costs too much to fill up their SUVs, trucks and minivans — vehicles they don’t “need,” but selfishly “want.”
Jeers to Beyoncé — She debuts “God Bless the USA” on Piers Morgan’s show. Gosh, is she really all that patriotic? Or could this be image rehab after word leaked about her million-dollar show for Gaddafi?
Cheers to the blowback on Donald Trump — This pompous ass, who owes everything he’s got to a rich daddy, proves he can dish it out but wilts like a pansy when anyone pushes back.
Jeers to gay marriage — This is all about money, folks. Gays want the same tax breaks and other advantages that hetero couples enjoy. So do I. But until the gay community stands up for singles — straight and gay — I have no reason to support their push for a bigger piece of the economic pie.
Cheers to The Dirty Dozen — Women who scratch their heads over that scene in Sleepless in Seattle — you know, when Tom Hanks and that other guy wax nostalgic about The Dirty Dozen — might have a clue now, thanks to the bin Laden raid.
Jeers to Charles Schwab commercials, especially the one featuring that “vineyard” jerk. Angry white men whining like two-year-olds — just stop it.
Jeers to me, an angry white man whining like a two-year-old.
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by Samuel Beckett
This was named the “most significant English language play of the 20th century” in a poll of 800 British playwrights, actors, directors and journalists. Do I agree with that? Probably not. I think that Godot’s exalted “significance” stems from the fact that Beckett’s play is open to so many interpretations. Does the never-seen title character represent God? Of the four main characters, does one pair represent capitalism and the other socialism? Is the entire thing an allegory for the Cold War? Who knows? Apparently, Beckett didn’t confirm or deny any of those theories.
But that’s part of the charm of this two-act gem – you can read practically anything into it, and probably will. The story itself struck me as an absurdist Of Mice and Men: Two vagabonds spend consecutive days waiting on a country road for the mysterious Godot, diverting themselves (and us) with a mixture of fatalistic philosophy, slapstick comedy, and Alice in Wonderland wordplay.
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The vampire (or zombie) movie, when it falls flat, is almost too easy to pick apart. But let me do it anyway.
Story: “Mister” (Nick Damici) and young Martin (Connor Paolo) drive north in hopes of finding a better life in New Eden (Canada), but on the journey they clash with religious fundamentalists, vampires, and a low budget.
What’s Rotten: Damici has all the charisma of a wooden stake and the magnetism of garlic breath. He is the “strong, silent type,” which is a good thing because at least that means he doesn’t have much dialogue.
Soaring violins are no substitute for real drama, mellow piano music doesn’t trump genuine pathos and, most of all, LOUD sound effects are a cheap way to make the audience jump.
Director Jim Mickle aims for a grim, gritty ambience, a la The Road, and mostly he succeeds. But you need interesting characters to populate such a dreary, apocalyptic universe.
What’s Fresh: There are a couple of cool scenes, both of them, interestingly enough, involving aggressive female vampires. Or maybe that’s just me.
When the stereotyped “small group of survivors” expands to include women, it’s refreshing that Mickle eschews the usual Megan Fox-type and instead includes a pregnant woman and a middle-aged nun (played by Kelly McGillis, of all people).
If you’ve seen The Road, I Am Legend, The Walking Dead, or any other zombie/vampire movie, then you’ve already seen Stake Land. Grade: C+
Director: Jim Mickle Cast: Nick Damici, Connor Paolo, Danielle Harris, Kelly McGillis, Michael Cerveris, Bonnie Dennison Release: 2011
Watch Trailers (click here)
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by Camilla Lackberg
Story: A writer returns to her hometown on the Swedish coast and stumbles into murder and romance.
Good Stuff
Bad Stuff
Report Card: B
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