The Grouchy Editor

I’m no conspiracy buff and certainly no structural engineer, but it still seems odd to me — counterintuitive — that an airplane crashing into the upper floors of a skyscraper could bring the thing to the ground.

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“He’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders, quite literally.”  —  Piers Morgan, talking about Obama and proving that even the English don’t understand English.

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There is a TV ad for something called Micro Plus, a hearing-aid thing that supposedly lets you overhear conversations taking place at a distance.  In the ad, a bikinied babe walks past two other women and knowingly smirks as one of the women says, “She has an amazing body!”

This gadget seems like a good thing, but what if you wear it, walk down the street, and hear:  “Look at the pot belly on that loser!” or  “Look — that guy has a brown spot on the seat of his pants!”?

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Dear Grouchy,

The Philadelphia Eagles have made dog-lover Michael Vick fabulously rich with a $100 million contract.  Don’t you agree that it’s good to give people a second chance?

T. Woods

Florida

   Dear T. Woods:

Everyone is in favor of giving people a second chance.  But that isn’t the issue with Vick.  The issue is awarding “second chances” that are lucrative beyond belief.  There is a difference between being allowed to earn a living, and being handed the keys to paradise.

Grouchy

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I recently bashed Entertainment Weekly (again) for its politically correct agenda.  Also recently, I championed the U.S. Postal Service, which is in danger of extinction.  So what happens this week?  You guessed it:  My issue of EW got lost in the mail.

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So Oprah’s celebrity interviews are disingenuous?  Why am I not surprised?

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Funniest show you never heard of:  Hell Date.  You haven’t seen it because 1) it’s on BET, and you’re white; 2) it went off the air in 2008.  But hey, you can still catch reruns or see it on the Web.  It’s funny.  Unless it’s fake.  I’ll have to ask  Ryan O’Neal.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Men Behaving (and Dressing) Badly

Poor Bruce Jenner.  We all know that his wife, Kris, wears the pants in the Kardashian-Jenner household, but this item in my local paper about daughter Kim’s wedding was simply too much:

I saw nothing about whether or not Wang also designed Bruce’s earrings.

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Gawker and The Huffington Post inform us that Fox’s Bill O’Reilly is just another aging cuckold.  According to Gawker, O’Reilly was unable to satisfy trophy wife Maureen McPhilmy, who sought solace in the arms of a Long Island cop.  Big Bill allegedly then pulled strings in an attempt to damage the cop’s career.

If you get your news from Fox, don’t hold your breath waiting for the all-spin network to weigh in on this story.

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Dear Grouchy:

Whatever happened to that story you promised about Arnold Schwarzenegger and a Japanese schoolgirl?

M. Shriver, Los Angeles  CA

   Dear M. Shriver:

Never let it be said that we here at The Grouchy Editor are slothful researchers.  In our May 22 review, we incorrectly reported that embattled movie star/governor Arnold Schwarzenegger had once been photographed fondling an underage girl.  Maybe that assertion was the result of, ahem, someone’s early-onset Alzheimer’s, or perhaps it was simply a case of overzealous journalism, but whatever the case, we’ve since located the photograph in question … and it is not of the former governor.

It’s an image of  fellow action star Steven Seagal, who is captured getting his jollies at a smiling lass’s expense (the caption reads:  “Feeling up a Nipponese schoolgirl!”).  The photo was published in a 1995 edition of Celebrity Sleuth, and here it is.  Our apologies to Arnold.

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I was channel surfing and landed on two hefty, middle-aged women discussing the economy — and it was so refreshing.  No kidding.  CNN anchor Candy Crowley (above left) and economist Christina Romer (above right) might not be typical TV eye candy (pun intended), but somehow I put a lot more weight (pun intended) into what these two were saying than I do when I’m forced to listen to the usual gang of pretty bubbleheads.  You go, fat girls!

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So Obama caves, again, and bumps his Big Speech back a day to Thursday evening.  This guy is like the smart kid who sits in class and has all of the right answers — but who then gets beat up by bullies and has his lunch stolen.  Those of us who voted for him thought we were getting a guy with some balls, but we picked the wrong kid; we should have voted for the woman with balls.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

OK, so I suppose I have a sick sense of humor, but when I read that a 66-year-old woman spent 12 days in a Canadian jail for “heroin smuggling,” I thought it was the funniest story of the week.  Click here to read about it.

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Baseball’s Jim Thome clubbed the 600th home run of his career — and America yawned.  Methinks there are two explanations for the apathy:  rent-a-players, and steroids.  Steroid abuse has tainted baseball’s once-hallowed records, and rent-a-player jocks (like Thome), who seldom spend an entire career with one team, have made the concept of team “loyalty” into a joke.

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Dear Grouchy:

Why are you so homophobic?

J. Cagle, New York

   Dear J. Cagle:

Two words:  Entertainment Weekly.  I’m a subscriber, and I’ve noticed that there are two opportunities that EW never misses — the chance to pummel raging heterosexuals like Charlie Sheen and Tracy Morgan, and the chance to plug that fading TV phenomenon called Glee.

Surprisingly, EW fessed up to its Glee obsession in its August 12 issue:  “We’ve been huge fans of the show from the very beginning, and we have the angry letters complaining about our constant barrage of Glee covers to prove it.”  Wow.  Can’t wait to see next week’s issue, with its cover from Glee.

Dear Grouchy:

Why are you so grouchy?

The World

   Dear World:

Can’t help it.  I subscribe to Entertainment Weekly.

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HLN’s Joy Behar keeps referring to the Speaker of the House as “John Boner.”  Texas Governor Dick Perry wants to move into the White House.  Now, if Republicans could just get New York’s Peter King to switch houses and run the Senate, we could have a country led by Peter, Dick, and Boner.  Take that, women’s libbers.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)