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05Nov

The Weekly Review: October 30 – November 5

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All Thumbs Edition

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Entertainment Weekly — This magazine is like a good-looking woman with a flatulence problem. Should you dump her, or try your damndest to overlook the gas? EW is an exasperating mix of sharp, don’t-miss-them reviews and industry bullshit. Readers have to wade through pages of show-business propaganda, glorified press releases, and other crap to get to the good stuff. My advice: Skip the first half of the magazine and go straight to the back, where they keep the reviews.

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What is it with Chris Matthews and his obsession with all things Kennedy? The MSNBC host never misses an opportunity to gush about JFK, and now he’s written a book about his “fighting prince” and is making the media rounds, spitting on microphones and proclaiming his love for a man who — from what I can tell — ranks solidly “mediocre” on the scale of effective presidents.

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Bob Schieffer — who knew you were such a holier-than-thou, nanny-state-lovin’ nag? I am referring to your chastisement of Herman Cain and his Internet “smoking” ad. Last time I checked, smokers are citizens and smokers vote. If I want your opinion, Bob, I’ll … never mind; I don’t want your opinion.

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Once upon a time, I was a movie geek in love with Rotten Tomatoes and Netflix. Alas, Netflix succumbed to greed and Rotten Tomatoes grew indifferent to our relationship. And so I found …

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… a new girlfriend, The Huffington Post. She is fresh and exciting, but does have a tendency toward prickliness. Certain topics are best avoided in her presence. Thus far, she doesn’t seem to mind my comments about tumors and planets:

*****

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Rachel Maddow points out that, so far, Herman Cain has A) quoted Pokémon during a Republican debate; B) issued an economic plan based on the video game SimCity; C) appealed to the nation’s smokers in an Internet ad; and D) launched into impromptu songs during his speeches.

Maddow suspects that Cain’s campaign might in fact be an elaborate practical joke he’s pulling on all of us, more performance art than presidential politics. I think she might be onto something. Just look at Herman’s smile in the picture above. Would you buy a used car from this guy?

01Nov

Free Flick of the Week: “The Natural”

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Major League Baseball games are simply too damn long. So is The Natural, a 1984 tribute to Robert Red– er, our national pastime. The movie is also at times peculiar and overly sentimental. But Golly Gee Willikers, if you were ever a kid who dreamt about hitting a home run in the Big Game, the picture’s climax is a real treat. Watch it for free by clicking here.

01Nov

Melancholia

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My dictionary defines melancholia as “a condition characterized by extreme depression, bodily complaints, and often hallucinations and delusions.” The definition says nothing about frighteningly big, rogue planets on collision courses with Earth — I’m thinking “hysteria” might be a better word for that scenario. But Melancholia is the name of the planet doing a “dance of death” with Earth in director Lars von Trier’s new movie, a strikingly original piece of work with images and themes that are haunting.

Von Trier sets up his doomsday drama at a leisurely pace, examining another type of melancholy in the debilitating depression that grips Justine (Kirsten Dunst), a new bride with the eerie ability to “know things.” Justine’s instincts tell her that marriage to the son of her wealthy employer was a bad idea, and they also tell her things like the exact number of beans in the lottery-jar at her wedding reception … and that the star in the sky that brother-in-law John (Kiefer Sutherland) insists is Antares is no such thing — and that the glowing orb seems to get bigger every day.

If Melancholia has a weakness, it’s that Part One (“Justine”) verges on overkill; we understand that Justine is depressed, now can we please move on with things? In Part Two (“Claire”), von Trier finally turns the screw, with disaster approaching in the sky and everyone’s world turned upside down. This is no Deep Impact, with cardboard characters servicing the special effects. Instead, von Trier exercises restraint, creating a creeping dread that culminates with some unforgettable scenes.

Claire (Charlotte Gainsbourg), Justine’s sister and a true believer in the power of ritual, begins to fall apart. Her husband John sees his faith in science and material resources unravel. As the ominous ball in the sky grows larger, Claire asks, “It won’t hit us?” “Not a chance,” John replies. Claire persists: “But what if your scientists have miscalculated?”

Ironically, it is only Justine, the impulsive, runaway bride, who remains calm. But her take on the pending end of the world (presumably von Trier’s take, as well) is less than reassuring. “The Earth is evil,” she says, “We don’t need to grieve for it. Nobody will miss it.” Even more unsettling is her reply to a question posed by Claire. “Life is only on Earth,” she says, adding, “and not for long.”

All of the actors are first rate in Melancholia, but this is von Trier’s triumph. The images are dreamlike, and his use of Wagner’s prelude to Tristan und Isolde on the soundtrack is stirring. The themes are downbeat, yet absorbing. Melancholia is no battle between religion and science, because they both take it on the chin. Grade: A-

Director: Lars von Trier Cast: Kirsten Dunst, Charlotte Gainsbourg, Kiefer Sutherland, Charlotte Rampling, John Hurt, Alexander Skarsgard, Stellan Skarsgard, Brady Corbet, Udo Kier Release: 2011

Watch Trailers and Clips (click here)

29Oct

The Weekly Review: October 23 – 29

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God help me, but I am happy to see these two knuckleheads back on MTV.

*****

Creepiest thing about the Herman Cain “smoking” ad? Not the smoker, Cain chief of staff Mark Block (above), but rather the ominous, cat-that-ate-the-canary grin on Cain’s face at the commercial fadeout.

And thanks, Wolf Blitzer, for sharing your opinion that an ad featuring smoking must be “idiotic.” So is your beard.

*****

Watching Bill O’Reilly and Barbara Walters — both of them immensely wealthy — debate the motives of Occupy Wall Street protesters ranked pretty high on my Vomit Meter.

Of the two, Walters was worse because she claimed to actually understand the angry phenomenon. At least O’Reilly didn’t hide his confusion. Walters was on The O’Reilly Factor to promote something that comes more naturally to her: a TV special in which she brown-noses billionaires. Now those are people she can understand.

*****

“We are 50 million seniors who earned our benefits.”

Not so fast, Grandpa. According to news reports, most seniors rake in much more in benefits than they paid for by the time they go to that great-big ice-cream social in the sky. We are all of us in trouble here, so older people had better think twice before they join the rich as the only Americans who don’t seem to believe in “shared sacrifice.”

27Oct

A Christmas Carol

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by Charles Dickens

Crabby criticisms of a beloved book

Admit it: The world would be a better place if more people were like pre-ghost Ebenezer Scrooge, a cantankerous old coot who nevertheless kept to himself and contributed to society, rather than like post-ghost Scrooge, a giddy imbecile who ran amok, imposing himself on friends and foes alike. What an unbearable world it would be if all 7 billion of us went about like the “new and improved” Scrooge – foisting turkeys on each other, barging into family dinners, and frightening small children.

But seriously … I think Dickens is so enduring because his characters and dialogue still sparkle in the 21st century. Dickens’ stories – like that of Ebenezer Scrooge – are often sentimental and overblown – but oh, such memorable people! I suppose it says more about me than about Dickens, but I prefer his later, darker works (Great Expectations, A Tale of Two Cities) to early, syrupy Dickens (Oliver Twist, A Christmas Carol).

24Oct

Free Flick of the Week: “Trainspotting”

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Trainspotting was a huge hit in Britain in 1996, and eventually was named the tenth-best British film of all time by the British Film Institute. Director Danny Boyle’s exploration of young drug addicts in Edinburgh didn’t do quite so well across the pond (read my review here), but there is no denying its energy and originality. Check it out for free by clicking here.

22Oct

The Weekly Review: October 16 – 22

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Wild Kingdom

I was watching Cujo on AMC, and ads for the SPCA kept interrupting the movie, with Sarah McLachlan imploring viewers, “Will you be an angel for a helpless animal?”

I repeat: This was during a screening of Cujo. You know, the story about a big dog with rabies that kills everyone? This dog:

I don’t know, AMC. Do you think Cujo viewers were likely in the mood to rescue helpless animals?

*****

“Do you want a moat with alligators?”

That was a question MSNBC’s Martin Bashir put to Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio during a discussion about the Mexican border. I wasn’t interested in moats with alligators, so I flipped the channel to Fox News, where Shepard Smith announced that dozens of tigers, grizzly bears, lions and monkeys were running loose in Ohio.

I flipped back to AMC, but the movie about a rabid dog was no longer playing.

*****

The best reason to vote for Obama in 2012:

*****

Sorry, but when you go onstage looking like this, you are going to get the snide “fat” comments.

*****

OK, so I’m a little late to the party, but I am getting hooked on the History channel’s reality show, Pawn Stars. The series has a winning formula: Customers bring in their junk — a lot of it fascinating, some of it valuable — and it’s evaluated by Las Vegas pawn store employees Rick, Corey, Richard, and “Chumlee,” all of whom exhibit folksy charm.

Just one question: Why aren’t there more female customers at the Gold & Silver Pawn Shop?

*****

This is how my dictionary defines “classic” —

I keep seeing the word “classic” used to describe movies and TV shows that are more than, oh, roughly ten years old. Last week, I read that Hollywood is producing remakes of the “classic” 1980s movies The Thing and Footloose. Entertaining movies, certainly, but classics?

*****

Great news from CBS:

21Oct

The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)

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When The Human Centipede (First Sequence) crawled onto the scene last year, I was — sort of — among the much-maligned movie’s defenders. Sure, it was a low-budget horror flick, but director Tom Six’s little creep-fest was as original as the dickens. Yes, its central set-up — a mad doctor wants to surgically connect three people, anus to mouth — was off-putting, but Six wasn’t overly graphic and his approach was more creepy than clinical.

Mostly, the first Human Centipede was a hoot. Dieter Laser, as crazed Dr. Heiter, was a modern-day Vincent Price, and his delusions of grandeur were ripe for satire. By the time South Park delivered a hilarious send-up of the “centipede,” Six’s small European horror movie had gone from underground cult favorite to campy cultural phenomenon. How could a sequel top that? Six makes an attempt by dispensing with most of the original film’s black humor and replacing it with explicitness — which doesn’t really work; what we are left with is a whole lot of unpleasantness.

Dr. Heiter is missing from the sequel, replaced by Martin (Laurence R. Harvey), a Norman Batesian endomorph who lives with his mother, works at an underground parking garage, and fantasizes endlessly about the first Centipede movie. The first half of Centipede 2 is padded with all-too-familiar psycho-boy staples: Martin’s childhood sexual abuse, his domineering mother, his stunted sexuality, and his preoccupation with bizarre hobbies. This is all just filler to get us to the main event.

What you think of the last part of Centipede 2 depends on what kind of filmgoer you are. If you are jaded and/or detached, the type of viewer who analyzes special effects rather than cringe at the sight of fake blood, you might appreciate the graphic depiction of Martin’s “surgery,” which he accomplishes with duct tape, a crowbar, and a staple gun. If, on the other hand, you blanch at the sight of violence in the movies, then this is decidedly not the film for you. Grade: C

Director: Tom Six Cast: Laurence R. Harvey, Ashlynn Yennie, Maddi Black, Kandace Caine, Dominic Borrelli, Georgia Goodrick, Emma Lock, Katherine Templar, Bill Hutchens, Vivien Bridson Release: 2011

Watch Trailers (click here)

20Oct

Needful Things

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by Stephen King

Musings: 1) Needful Things was published shortly after King gave up drinking and doping, which coincides with the decline of his most creative period. I don’t believe it can be happenstance – the man was simply a more inspired, original writer back when he was snorting and swigging. 2) Needful Things is middling King. It’s well-crafted, often amusing, and laugh-out-loud funny near the climax. It’s also over-the-top, alternately too somber or too silly, and not particularly scary. 3) The knight-in-shining-armor hero and his perfect girlfriend are the least interesting characters in the story – too bad we have to spend so much time with them. 4) I do like King’s theme about how our possessions tend to take possession of us.

17Oct

Free Flick of the Week: “Manhattan Murder Mystery”

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A married couple (Woody Allen and Diane Keaton) suspects a neighbor has offed his wife. If you dig Allen and Keaton, this is a movie for you, although this is not Allen’s best murder mystery – that honor goes to the dramatic thriller, Match Point. Click here to watch.