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15Dec

Fright Night

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Fans tend to get upset when Hollywood decides to remake a treasured movie, but I don’t see much harm in it if the reboot is well done. Fright Night, the 1985 cult-classic horror-comedy, was not exactly Shakespeare, but it was a lot of fun. Fright Night, the 2011 version, is not as witty as its progenitor, but it, too, is a lot of fun.

Director Craig Gillespie and scripter Marti Noxon get a lot of things right in their remake, and they even toss in an improvement or two. The story’s new setting, a cookie-cutter suburb of Las Vegas, is ideal for a vampire movie. Already hellish, this bland chunk of isolated real estate is ripe for a monster invasion.

The film also retains the original’s sense of humor. Anton Yelchin, as an awkward teen who suspects that his new neighbor might be a blood sucker, is an inspired piece of casting. Yelchin is utterly believable as a kid struggling with high school horrors and, once Jerry the vampire (Colin Farrell) moves in next door, much, much more. Charley is such an innocuous Every Kid that, five minutes after the film ended, I doubt that I could have picked him out of a police lineup — and that’s a compliment.

But Fright Night version II can’t quite top the original. David Tennant, as monster hunter Peter Vincent, is no Roddy McDowall. Baby-faced Farrell is much better than I expected as the hunky vampire, but when the time comes for him and his fellow undead to enact the titular “fright night,” the results are a bit of a letdown. Special effects can only do so much. Grade: B-

Director: Craig Gillespie Cast: Anton Yelchin, Colin Farrell, Toni Collette, David Tennant, Imogen Poots, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Dave Franco, Reid Ewing, Sandra Vergara, Emily Montague Release: 2011

Watch Trailers and Clips (click here)

12Dec

Free Flick of the Week: “Jagged Edge”

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I’m a Jeff Bridges fan, but I’ve grown a bit weary of his “good old boy” routine. Yeah, yeah, Bridges is “The Dude,” and critics love it when he plays rednecks and drunkards. But I know Bridges is capable of other things – like playing a smooth villain (or is he?) in the 1985 thriller, Jagged Edge. This movie, co-starring Glenn Close, has one of the best “gotcha!” moments I’ve seen on film (it involves a typewriter keyboard). Watch it for free by clicking here.

10Dec

The Weekly Review: December 4 – 10

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Book me on a flight, pronto, to the recently discovered, Earthlike planet with a temperature of — heavens be praised! — 72 degrees. A bonus: no TV on this planet, hence no more Republican debates.

*****

I’m tired of hearing from that New Jersey whale, Chris Christie. He is much too fat to be president. Christie is too bloated to be an elected official, period. Fat people sweat like pigs, and their odor offends me.

Do those comments sound cruel and bigoted? Good, because they are meant to be. I am a smoker, and I hear that kind of crap every day. Because I am expected to take it, I will also dish it. Fatso.

*****

Fans in St. Louis are weeping over the loss of their beloved baseball hero, Albert Pujols (above). Tough titty. I sneer at you fans. Serves you right, suckers.

Pujols, who bolted to California for $250 million, was demonstrating loyalty — to Albert Pujols. Sports organizations like the St. Louis Cardinals love to preach “fan loyalty.” But loyalty to what, Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous? It’s always a one-sided relationship with clubs and players on one side, fans on the other. And fans are the ones who get dumped.

We have the same issue here in Minnesota, where a spoiled brat named Joe Mauer (below) plays when he wants to (not often) and pouts to the media whenever anyone dares question what he’s done to justify his budget-busting salary.

*****

“The 14-year sentence is so excessive,” griped MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough, lamenting the prison sentence handed to former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich. Boo hoo hoo. The problem with our legal system is that white-collar crooks like Blago routinely escape with light sentences, or no sentences, while small-timers get screwed. It’s heartening to see the mighty fall — if only on occasion.

*****

The film community is atwitter because New Yorker critic David Denby violated an unwritten rule when he published an early review of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo — after he agreed not to do so. Tattoo producer Scott Rudin called Denby’s action “lousy and immoral” and vowed to ban the critic from future screenings. Denby responded with whines and lame excuses. Shut up, Denby.

As for the review itself, I’m a bit surprised by Denby’s praise for star Rooney Mara. After watching Sweden’s Noomi Rapace (above) in the original film, I can’t imagine any other actress portraying Lisbeth Salander.

*****

Playboy’s photo spread of Lindsay Lohan has leaked to the Internet. I figured I should do my part in sharing this big news with the world. Sure, the pictures look artistic, but the problem with celebrity Playboy spreads like this one is that, once the stylists, art directors, and airbrushers finish their work, the actual woman is barely recognizable. Well … her fanny looks real enough.

08Dec

The Omnivore’s Dilemma

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by Michael Pollan

For the most part, Pollan pulls off a neat trick. He turns a book about feed corn, fungi, and fertilizer into a compelling page-turner – but only for about two-thirds of its length. At a certain point, his chapters become detail-heavy and repetitive, with endless stretches of tedious facts interrupted by short bursts of unpleasantness. Pollan is a gustatory George Plimpton – sometimes humorous, sometimes snobbish – but his book is simply too long.

The “omnivore’s dilemma” is this: deciding what to eat that is best for the mind, body, and soul. After reading Pollan’s descriptions of the horrors to be found at America’s slaughterhouses and processing plants, it’s tempting to eat nothing at all and opt for starvation. In America, there are too many consumers and too much money to be made by mass producing our food in less-than-ideal conditions. (Becoming a vegetarian or vegan does little to change our entrenched system, and it turns out that “organic” franchises like Whole Foods are nearly as ecologically unfriendly as Walmart.)

So … what is the solution to the omnivore’s dilemma? Unfortunately, there doesn’t seem to be an easy answer – not if we don’t want to starve to death.

05Dec

Free Flick of the Week: “Babes in Toyland”

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It’s the holiday season, and no holiday movie gets a better rating on Rotten Tomatoes than that crusty chestnut, Babes in Toyland. I watched about ten minutes of it and had to turn it off; I couldn’t handle it. Then again, I can’t handle that other holiday favorite, It’s a Wonderful Life. But you are not me. You are not Scrooge, and you want to see Laurel and Hardy do their thing. So click here to watch them for free. And one more thing: Bah, humbug.

04Dec

The Weekly Review: November 27 – December 3

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I liked Joy Behar’s show and I’m sorry to see it go, even though, as a straight male, I don’t believe I was ever in its target audience. (Watching it, at times I felt like odd man out at a Girls & Gays happy hour.)

My problem with the show was the fact that Behar herself was rarely on it, resulting in an endless stream of guest hosts or repeat episodes. But Behar’s guests, often fringe celebrities we had not seen in a long time, were a refreshing change from the usual gang of idiots found on other talk shows.

*****

Newlywed life doesn’t seem to have done much for Daniel Craig’s disposition. Earlier this year, the temperamental James Bond star complained to Entertainment Weekly that promoting his movies was not his thing: “I can’t do tits-and-teeth stuff,” Craig sniffed. (See the Weekly Review, July 31.)

Now Craig has leaped onto the anti-Kardashian bandwagon, grousing to the British GQ, “You see that [Kardashians on TV] and you think, ‘What, you mean all I have to do is behave like a fucking idiot on television and then you’ll pay me millions?’” If The Grouch ever retires, Craig is more than welcome to assume the reins of this Web site.

*****

Roger Ebert informed readers of his blog that “Most people have bladders the size of oil drums, but I usually have to pee at least once during a movie.”

Am I the only one who thinks that this is disturbing news coming from a film critic?

Assuming that the average bathroom break takes at least five minutes, then how many crucial scenes and plot developments must Ebert have missed during the course of his career?

*****

Bill O’Reilly and Newt Gingrich discussed immigration and “sanctuary cities.” That got me to thinking (admittedly, always a dangerous thing): Why don’t we establish sanctuary cities for smokers? As the United States, oddly, tilts more and more toward legalizing marijuana, it continues to ostracize cigarette smokers. Hey, just give us a place of our own, perhaps Las Vegas, and we’ll leave the rest of you alone.

28Nov

Free Flick of the Week: “Royal Wedding”

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Back in 1951, announcing the “gayest” musical of the year (see above) didn’t have quite the same meaning as it does today. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen anyone dance on a ceiling recently, either. See Fred Astaire’s famous rotating-wall routine, free of charge by clicking here.

28Nov

The Devil’s Double

Posted in Books, Movies, TV & Web, Movies | 2 Comments

The Devil’s Double has been called the “Scarface of Arabia,” comparing it to the ultra-violent Brian De Palma film, but that’s giving the Devil too much due.

Scarface worked largely because Tony Montana was a fascinating character; Al Pacino’s Cuban gangster had goals, and he would do anything to attain them. Montana was an immigrant pursuing his warped twist on the American Dream. The bad guy in Devil’s Double, a spoiled psychopath based on Saddam Hussein’s eldest son Uday, also has goals, but they are base, childish, and ultimately uninteresting. Uday wanted instant gratification, and if that meant rape, torture, or murder, then so be it.

Uday rants, giggles, and satisfies his wicked desires, including the assault of schoolgirls and killing of his enemies. But unlike Tony Montana, Uday had no real power — that remained with father Saddam. Uday was Caligula without an empire.

This film is based on an autobiography by Latif Yahia, an Iraqi who was (allegedly) forced to act as Uday’s body double in the late 1980s. Dominic Cooper plays both Uday and Latif and, although Cooper does a credible job differentiating between the two men, the script doesn’t offer a whole lot of depth to either character.

Cooper’s Uday has a high-pitched voice and manic mannerisms which at times border on the comical. Not a good thing in a movie of this nature. He plays Yahia, by contrast, with a laid-back demeanor and a permanently pained expression.

There is much violence in The Devil’s Double, if that’s your cup of tea. I found it difficult to care about all of the mayhem on screen because I cared so little about the characters. Grade: C

Director: Lee Tamahori Cast: Dominic Cooper, Ludivine Sagnier, Raad Rawi, Philip Quast, Mimoun Oaissa, Khalid Laith, Dar Salim, Nasser Memarzia, Amrita Acharia, Amber Rose Revah Release: 2011

Watch Trailers and Clips (click here)

26Nov

The Weekly Review: November 20 – 26

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News outlets have been reporting on a string of Amish “beard cuttings” in Ohio. Somehow, reporters covered this story with a straight face (and, in general, a clean-shaven face).

In related news, who says you have to be Amish in order to grow a virile-looking, distinguished and sexy beard? See below.

*****

The Five celebrated Thanksgiving and its 100th episode. The Fox News gang, except for token liberal Bob Beckel, took the opportunity to inform viewers that they “should be thankful for the one percent.” I agree. The one percent is taxed much too much. I believe we should absolve the one percent from paying any taxes, and let everyone else pay for things. It follows, logically, that we will then have more jobs. Besides, the one percent got rich without any help from the rest of us — correct?

*****

Newt Gingrich thinks it’s a swell idea to turn our nation’s schoolchildren into janitors. This is what Newt and other rich conservatives mean when they describe themselves as “job creators.”

Not sure how long it’s been since Newt lifted a finger to do any sort of manual labor. Hold on … Newt is doing some heavy lifting in the picture below.

*****

The California woman who pepper-sprayed fellow shoppers on “Black Friday” chose the wrong target. She should have zapped the store’s owners.

I learned that lesson last year when I stood in line in sub-zero temperatures, expecting to score a big-screen TV at Target, but then discovered that the store was pulling a bait-and-switch: Less than five minutes after opening its doors, Target “sold out” of the TV I was looking for.

*****

I surfed over to The Huffington Post and was startled by this headline:

Goodness, that Justin Bieber kid had a busy year, didn’t he?

*****

Actor Nicolas Cage must have the most remarkable and clever publicity team in Hollywood. In September, we learned that the colorful movie star is in reality some sort of vampire, having posed for a Civil War-era tintype in 1870 (below). Yesterday, we discovered that Cage is featured on the cover of a Serbian biology textbook (above).

23Nov

Super 8

Posted in Books, Movies, TV & Web, Movies | 1 Comment

It’s obvious what director J.J. Abrams hopes to achieve with Super 8: He wants his movie to be Spielbergian, the kind of fantasy that appeals equally to children and adults. Nice try, J.J., but I can’t imagine anyone over the age of 15 really enjoying this film.

For younger kids, this is the type of movie they will see, love, and recall fondly for years to come. And then one day, 10 or 20 years from now, they will rewatch Super 8 on TV (or whatever device we’re using) and wonder what they ever saw in it.

The story begins well. A group of middle-school kids in Lillian, Ohio, circa 1979, are making a zombie movie using the Super 8 film format. A train approaches an old depot where the kids are filming, it crashes, and … something escapes from one of the train cars. Shortly after this incident, animals and objects begin to vanish from Lillian.

Up to this point, Abrams’ script is warm and fuzzy, a nostalgic throwback to movies like Stand by Me or Steven Spielberg’s E.T. But then the plot gets convoluted. And special effects begin to dominate the story. And Super 8 proves, once again, that no one can make a Spielberg fantasy anymore — not even Spielberg, who is one of the film’s producers.

It’s apparent that money was poured into the film, and yet a motion-capture monster is neither convincing nor frightening. At some points, this beast resembles nothing so much as a jerky Ray Harryhausen creation from the early ’60s. Meanwhile, Abrams’s movie goes from sweet and intriguing to frantic and clichéd.

The zombie movie that the kids had been making is more entertaining than the misfire that is Super 8. Unlike the silly alien in this film, Abrams and Spielberg discover that, despite their best efforts, they can’t go home again. Grade: C

Director: J.J. Abrams Cast: Joel Courtney, Riley Griffiths, Elle Fanning, Ryan Lee, Gabriel Basso, Zach Mills, Kyle Chandler, Jessica Tuck, Amanda Michalka, Ron Eldard, Katie Lowes Release: 2011

Watch Trailers and Clips (click here)