The Grouchy Editor

Lake Superior State University came up with a list of words and terms that it believes should be banished from the English language.  Nice list, but I would add two more:

“Indie Darling” — I was reading Entertainment Weekly and, on page 12, I noticed an item about “Indie-rock darling Carrie Brownstein.”  In the same issue on page 80, there was a piece about “indie-cinema darling” Parker Posey.  So I did what anyone with too much time on his hands would do, I Googled “indie darling” and another annoying term that pops up everywhere, “(fill-in-the-blank) porn.”

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“Imagine if you flicked on your television and found that the government had cancelled American Idol, 30 Rock, The Office, and Dancing with the Stars.” — CNN’s Fareed Zakaria, commenting on government censorship in China.  Next time, Fareed, could you please pick shows that don’t deserve to be censored?

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Until this week, I’d never heard of CNN correspondent Alison Kosik.  But on Wednesday I listened as this (presumably) highly paid TV reporter told unemployed Americans that temp jobs are “not that bad.”  Then I read that in October Kosik had mocked the Occupy Wall Street folk.  And I see that she advocates the use of job-killing self-checkout lanes in grocery stores.  So now I know more about Alison Kosik.  She is a jerk.

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Runaway:  I love this film.  It’s nine minutes of goofy greatness.  Watch it by clicking here, and thank me later.

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Stephen Colbert is “running for president.”  Ha ha.  This guy has never struck me as funny.  He is a one-joke act, and I tire of that act after about 15 seconds.  Colbert gets a lot of media attention because of his proximity to Jon Stewart and because he jokes about politics.  But that don’t make him funny, do it?

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I’ve been wondering whatever became of the male stars of Dawson’s Creek.  Turns out that Joshua Jackson, who played Pacey Witter, has been getting up to all sorts of mischief in Latin America.  Just in case you weren’t a Dawson fan, here are a few pictures of Joshua, Hollywood-style (top row), and Joshua, Peruvian-style (bottom row).

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For some unfathomable reason, there are people interested in the fact that Beyoncé and her husband, Jay-Z, are new parents.  Their baby girl is named Blue, but I’ve been unable to discover her surname.  In fact, I’ve been unable to discover her parents’ surnames.  So I guess I will just call them the blacks and Blue.

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Please forgive today’s abbreviated edition of the “Weekly Review.”  Grouchy has been a bit preoccupied of late.  During a recent excursion in cyberspace, he happened upon what might be — hold on — the girl of his dreams.

She’s a lovely lass:  a dog-loving beauty queen, whiling away her days in the Florida sunshine and, no doubt, captivating every man that she meets.

The Grouch does not yet know the name of this vision of loveliness (her initials, she teases, are C.A.), but he did manage to grab a screen capture or two of her, and he feels certain that once you gaze upon her sweet visage you will agree with him:  She is every man’s fantasy girl.

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Priests Gone Wild!

Another sign of the coming apocalypse:  brawling Greek Orthodox and Armenian priests.  To watch the melee, go here.

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Bullshit Political “Truisms”

1.  There are too many negative campaign ads.  Hogwash.  We love them, we need them, and they have always been part of American politics.

2.  At least he’s consistent and doesn’t flip-flop.  Why on Earth is this considered a virtue?  Hitler was consistent and didn’t flip-flop.  Should we admire him for that?

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My new favorite celebrity grouch is Daniel Craig, who is forever grumbling about something, or someone, to the press.  Recently, the James Bond star has snarled about the Kardashians (“What, you mean all I have to do is behave like a fucking idiot on television, and then you’ll pay me millions?”), media interviews (“I can’t do the tits-and-teeth stuff”), and now this:

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I thought I should say something about the Bill Maher-Tim Tebow feud, but then I realized that I just … don’t … seem … to care.  But here’s a picture of the Denver quarterback, just because you want to see one.

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CNN is relentlessly plugging its New Year’s Eve special with Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin.  “The most unpredictable show on television!” crows the network.  Balderdash.  Granted, their banter is amusing, but there is no program on television more predictable than Cooper-Griffin on New Year’s Eve.

Griffin will make sex jokes.  Cooper will turn red and giggle.  Griffin will “hit on” Cooper.  Cooper will act embarrassed.  Repeat.  Same act as last year, and the year before that, and ….

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Quote of the Week (James Joyce):

“I think I would know [Joyce’s wife] Nora’s fart anywhere.  I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women.  It is a rather girlish noise not like the wet windy fart which I imagine fat wives have.  It is sudden and dry and dirty like what a bold girl would let off in fun in a school dormitory at night.  I hope Nora will let off no end of her farts in my face so that I may know their smell also.”

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This is a fake People magazine cover. It is not real.  But I am wicked and enjoy doing my small part to spread false Internet rumors about celebrities, so here you go.

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And finally, basketball fans welcoming point guard Ricky Rubio to Minnesota:

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It’s the end of December, and that means it is time for every news show, magazine, and Web site to compile inane “end-of-year” lists.  But most smart people realize that next year, 2012, heralds the end of the world, and so it makes a lot more sense to compile an “end-of-the-world” list.  Thus, here you go:

Best Species of All Time:  The Cockroach

Everyone knows that in the event of a nuclear holocaust, the much-maligned cockroach is one of the few species expected to survive, possibly even thrive.  I don’t see why, come Armageddon, things should be any different for the heroic and plucky cockroach.

Best Con Artist of All Time:  Cleopatra

The Queen of the Nile, according to ancient coins that bear her visage, was one homely lady.  And yet somehow the woman enjoys a “man-eater” reputation, inspiring Hollywood biographies and even a role for our most beautiful star, Liz Taylor.

Greatest Work of Art:  2012

The critics hated it but hey, when you are right about things, you are right about things.

Greatest Blight on the Universe:  Television Commercials

TV signals are beamed into space.  Somewhere, someday, an alien species will be subjected to god-awful Nationwide insurance commercials.  When the aliens study Earth’s doomed culture, they will despise us for this. 

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When the power went out — twice — during this week’s Steelers-49ers contest, someone made the decision to delay the game.  I think that was a missed opportunity.  They should have kept playing in the dark, like many of us did when we were kids.  “Dark football” would have been a big hit.

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I wonder if the geniuses at Columbia Pictures’s marketing department thought of potential negative associations when they came up with the above slogan for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.  What is hidden in snow that comes forth in the thaw?  I’ll bet they didn’t think of this:

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I often channel surf between Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Fallon, but I never watch Jimmy Kimmel’s show.  This is because Kimmel’s show includes a non-stop barrage of commercials.  I took notes the other night:  

11:55 — Jimmy welcomes guest Jeremy Renner.

12:03 — The onslaught begins.  There are ads for Capital One, the Minnesota lottery, Xbox 360, Hilton’s Doubletree, Ford’s Focus, HBO’s True Blood, Celebrity Wife Swap, The Bachelor, Dodge Journey, and Menards.

12:08 — Back to the show.

12:13 — Ads for Bud Light, Blockbuster, Arby’s, Macy’s, Stayfree, Head & Shoulders, Viagra, the NBA, Winter Wipeout, Ford, Xfinity, local news, Citibank, Target, Midnight in Paris, Gamefly,com, Centrum, Target, The Bachelor, Celebrity Wife Swap, Work It, Jeep Grand Cherokee, and The Original Mattress Factory.

12:22 — Back to the show.

12:29 — Ads for Chrysler, Delsym cough syrup, Mucinex, Mitsubishi, GMC Superstore, and local news.

12:32 — Back to the show.

I watched Kimmel for 37 minutes.  There were 39 commercials.  That’s 20 minutes of Jimmy, 17 minutes of ads.  Some day, this is what the aliens will see, and they will despise us for it.

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Posting pictures of female buttocks is a sexist, revolting practice, and we hereby resolve to stop doing it.  Instead, please enjoy this beautiful landscape portrait:

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