The Grouchy Editor

Hey, we enjoy a good May-December romance as much as the next guy, but this news that 56-year-old Bill Maher is dating 14-year-old Rebecca Black is a bit much, even for us.  *

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What’s with all of these retired jocks hawking meds for penis problems?  Jimmy Johnson and his penis-enlargement ads finally stopped airing, just in time for Joe Theismann to show up and inform us that his prostate forced him to stay near bathrooms, “just in case I had that sudden urge to go.”  I suppose it’s only a matter of time before we see Brett Favre in … oh, never mind.

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Pictured above is apparently Britain’s most beautiful woman, Samantha Brick.  Standing guard is Samantha’s husband, a man who is armed and prickly because, you know, it’s difficult fending off so many wolves.

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“Oh, please put security cameras on every street.” — HLN anchor Jane Velez-Mitchell (above) while doing a story about a missing child.  A camera on every street?   Great idea, Jane.  Lots of bad things happen on the street.  Lots of bad things happen in bedrooms, too.  Shall we put security cameras in every bedroom — starting with yours?

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To Kill a Mockingbird is back in the news as we celebrate the film version’s anniversary.  Whenever I begin to feel old — like in the mornings, afternoons, and evenings — I remind myself that somewhere in the South, Harper Lee is still alive and kicking.  How cool is that?

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Wolf Blitzer reminded viewers on Tuesday of the type of terrorist that law enforcement most fears:  the dreaded “lone wolf.”

I don’t know about you, but I don’t particularly trust bearded men with ominous German-sounding names, and who scowl and lurk in the background at public events.

*  Just in case we hear from Bill Maher’s lawyers … we’d like to point out that this is the April Fools’ Day edition of The Grouchy Editor.

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Now that the U.S. Supreme Court has declared that corporations are people and money is speech, I think it’s pretty obvious what needs to be done this November.  We need to elect an ATM as our next president.  Think about it:  ATMs are as American as apple pie and, just like the country they serve, they are often out of cash.

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The reviews are in for Mirror Mirror, and many of them stress that the Julia Roberts movie is ideal “for kids of any age.”  Whenever I read that claim, I interpret it as code for:  “This is a kiddie movie; adults should run for the hills.”

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This new ad from the Republicans, in which Obama is compared to 007 himself, James Bond … I can see it backfiring on the GOP.  Wouldn’t we all prefer to have Mr. License to Kill in charge, rather than some guy who needs help keeping his balance on a chair?

Then again, a car elevator does seem like a gadget that Bond would endorse.

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Starbucks is feeding ground-up insects to customers.  I never go to Starbucks, so this doesn’t bug me.

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The honchos at Starz have noticed the success that HBO and Showtime are having with original programming.  Starz would like to have its own hit shows, so Starz introduced Magic City, a new series about the Miami crime scene, circa 1959.  In case you missed the premiere, I watched it for you.  This picture pretty much sums up what you missed:

If you are nice, I’ll summarize future episodes of the show, as well.  It’s a tough job, but somebody ….

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Jennifer Lawrence made the talk-show rounds this week, promoting The Hunger Games.  She was on Letterman and Fallon and … I like this chick.  She isn’t “starlet charming” or “sexpot charming,” just salt-of-the-earth, self-deprecating charming.  We’ll see if it lasts.

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Best Hollywood News This Week:

No, it’s not the premiere of The Hunger Games.  It’s the announcement by Disney that it expects to lose $200 million on the epic bomb, John Carter.  Could this mean that Hollywood will finally stop churning out special-effects-laden, comic-book/superhero crap aimed at teenagers?  I’m not going to hold my breath.

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Ten Free TV Shows I Go Out of My Way to Watch:

1. Pawn Stars (above) — addictive and as American as apple pie
2. Downton Abbey — soap opera, sure, but very sumptuous soap opera
3. The Rachel Maddow Show — for one side of the story
4. The O’Reilly Factor — for the other side of the story
5. Survivor — still the best reality TV
6. Mystery on PBS — nobody does this kind of thing better than the British
7. Louie — original, real, and frequently funny
8. The Killing (below) — news reports indicate that the producers intend to make fans wait yet another season to resolve the show’s mystery.  I might not wait that long.
9. TCM — OK, so this isn’t technically a “show,” but sometimes you just can’t beat an old movie.
10. Apparently there are only nine shows that I go out of my way to watch.

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Quote of the Week:  “I didn’t know what she was going to do, and then the bear bit me in my butt.” — Florida resident Terri Gurley, who encountered a 300-pound black bear at her apartment complex.

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President Obama is a fan of the Showtime series Homeland.  It is a good show.  However …

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