The Grouchy Editor

Could we please celebrate our national achievements just once?  When the retired space shuttle Enterprise was piggy-backed to Manhattan last week, there was breathless news coverage of the event.  Just as there was breathless news coverage of the final space-shuttle mission last July.

This week, we celebrated the placement of a steel beam atop One World Trade Center, officially making it New York’s tallest building.  We will celebrate, again, when the building is completed in a year or so.

I am thinking that this year I will celebrate my birthday not once, but twice:  once on the actual day of my birth, and once on the day that I was conceived.  Please alert the media.

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There is an upside to being an unpaid film critic, as opposed to the poor schmucks who review movies for professional media.  As an unpaid critic, I am under absolutely no obligation to see the latest entry in Hollywood’s endless string of mindless, childish teenybopper movies, in this case The Avengers.  Yes, it’s getting good reviews, and yes, it will strike gold at the box office.  I’ll even admit that it might be an entertaining flick.  But at this point, all I need to hear are the words “superhero” or “comic book” and I run screaming for the exit.

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My phone stopped working.  So I did what anyone would do, I contacted Fermin in India.

Fermin:  Hello sir.  Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support.  My name is Fermin.  Please give me one moment to review your information.

Grouch:  I think I need to just drop this voicemail feature on my computer, because 1)  I never use it, and 2)  I am now unable to use my telephone, and I am missing phone calls.  How on earth do I just get rid of it?

Fermin:  I will be more than glad to do the best I can to assist you today.  I hope your day is doing just fine.

Grouch:  Well, I can no longer use my telephone, and I suspect it’s because of this voicemail feature I have on my computer, which I never use.

Fermin:  I understand your concern, sir.

Fermin:  To make sure that I’m working with the correct phone, kindly verify the affected Comcast phone number and also your best contact number so we can call you if necessary.

Grouch:  You can’t call me.  My phone does not seem to be working.

Fermin:  I understand your concern.

Fermin:  Please in chat.

Fermin:  Please stat in chat.

Fermin:  Thank you so much.

Grouch:  I just want my phone to work again.

Fermin:  No problem.  Kindly connect the base unit of your phone directly to the modem at tel line 1 and 2 ports to verify which port is working.

Grouch:  The telephone is in another room, it’s not near the computer.

Fermin:  At this point, I humbly ask your patience and cooperation to follow my instructions so that we can resolve this phone issue now.  Please plug your phone directly to the modem.

Grouch:  But the telephone is not in the same room as the computer.

Fermin:  I understand you.  Please make sure to connect the wire or cable to the line 1 port at the back of the modem so that the wall outlet in your room will surely work.

Grouch:  The only way I can get a dial tone is by bringing the entire phone apparatus into this room and plugging it into the computer.  I don’t want the phone in this room.  I think perhaps you had better schedule a technician.

Fermin:  Yes.  I can see that there is an issue with your inside wiring.  The appointment schedule will be on 5/5/2012 between 2 pm and 4 pm.  Please keep this ticket as your reference.

Grouch:  You have to stop typing so I can write the number down.  This screen keeps scrolling by itself.

Fermin:  I’m glad I was able to help you.  Do you have any other questions or concerns I can help you with today? I just wanna make sure all your concerns will be taken cared of today.

Grouch:  They were not taken care of.  I will have to wait until Saturday and probably pay 49.95 to fix the problem.

Fermin:  I understand your concern.  Is there anything else I can help you with today?

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A St. Louis judge awarded more than seven million dollars to Tamara Favazza because her boobs wound up in a Girls Gone Wild video. Favazza does have nice boobs, but I don’t think they are worth a penny more than $500,000.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

We are trying to decide if The Grouchy Editor needs a new banner picture.  Problem is, there are just way too many pictures of that handsome devil, Grouchy, from which to choose.

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Quote of the Week 1:

“You can’t even believe what comes out of this guy’s mouth sometimes.” — MSNBC’s Krystal Ball, ranting about Mitt Romney.  I’m not sure that Krystal is the best person to be talking about things coming out of people’s mouths.  Remember these pictures, Krystal?

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Quote of the Week 2:

“I think his picture may appear next to the word ‘narcissism’ in the dictionary.” — HLN’s A.J. Hammer, chiding Simon Cowell.  Yup, I’d guess it appears right next to this picture of A.J. Hammer.

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We interrupt these pictures of pretty people to bring you a picture of the blobfish:

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In Stephen King’s Duma Key, the hero likes to watch Robin Meade on HLN.  In real life, Stephen King says he likes to watch Robin Meade on HLN.  Can’t say that I blame him.

Seems like every time I turn on the TV, cable news channels are introducing some new, pretty-but-fluffy anchor.  Meade is certainly pretty, and she doesn’t strike me as the brightest bulb on the tree, but geez … she’s so darned likable.  Wouldn’t you want her on your bowling team?

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NBC finally has a show I kinda like:  Off Their Rockers.  I could do with a bit less Betty White, because her segments are scripted and Betty’s “naughty grandma” act has worn a bit thin.  But the actual pranks, most of the time,  are a hoot.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Brazil Nuts

It was a busy week in South America.  We learned that a trio of Brazilians had indulged in cannibalism, cooking their victims and turning them into pastries.  Meanwhile, in nearby Colombia, President Obama’s Secret Service agents were also enjoying a piece of ass.

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Pity the poor Republicans.  They must sit back and watch in envy as Dems rake in all the love from movie stars, rock stars — most of the celebrity “cool kids.”  But when the GOP finally does land a celebrity fan, it’s this guy:

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— That’s Scarlett Johansson whining to Vogue about the hacked nudes of the actress that went viral last year.  Gee, Scarlett, those people had probably already seen your “…” on the cover of Vanity Fair, or in the scene below from your 2004 movie,  A Love Song for Bobby Long.  Terrible, isn’t it?

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Yes, yes, Mr. Meteorologist, we heard you the first time when you told us that it’s a myth that twisters never strike urban areas.  But what I’d like to know is this:  Why don’t tornadoes ever hit skyscrapers, and what would happen if they did?

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The most depressing aspect of this Dick Clark Is Dead hoopla?  My nagging hunch that someday we will have to go through the entire process again when Ryan Seacrest kicks the bucket.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Pretty Boys, Pansies, and Penises

Hollywood scuttlebutt says Johnny Depp has been tapped to play Nick Charles in a remake of the classic screwball mystery, The Thin Man.  This seems wrong on so many levels.

I like Johnny Depp.  I think he’s a fine actor.  But casting him as ladies man Nick Charles is like casting Arnold Schwarzenegger to play Danny DeVito’s twin brother.  Hold on.  That’s a bad example.

William Powell (above, with Myrna Loy) was the definitive Charles in the 1930s-’40s detective series.  Powell was a fast-talking smoothie who looked just right with a Scotch in one hand and wife Nora in the other.  He was a suave “man’s man” who mixed well with both high society and his ex-con buddies.

Depp is … soft.  He is many things, including attractive to women, but macho he ain’t.  Look at the pictures below.  Does Depp look more likely to steal your wife — or your boyfriend?  Uh-huh.

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CNN’s Fredricka Whitfield (above) lost it last weekend when a woman named Laura Saunders introduced Fredricka to a chicken.

Saunders:  “And that’s my rooster — little pecker.”

Whitfield:  “Funny, foul language always welcome!”

The rooster reminded me of Johnny Depp.

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Speaking of little peckers, we were treated this week to the following exchange between two adults in the room, Gloria Allred and Donald Trump:

Gloria:  “[A transgendered beauty contestant] didn’t ask Mr. Trump to prove he’s a naturally born man, or see photos of his birth, or to view his anatomy.”

Donald:  “I think Gloria would be very, very impressed with me.”

Gloria:   “I don’t have a magnifying glass strong enough to see something that small.  The world does not revolve around his penis.”

Allred is one of America’s pre-eminent lawyers, and Trump would like to be president.  Feel better about the future of our country?

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James Van Der Beek is back, starring on some ABC sitcom.  I’m not ashamed to admit that I was a fan of his old show, Dawson’s Creek.  Or maybe I am, since this clip from Dawson has popped up everywhere on the Internet.

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We are told that Ann Romney can relate to middle-class women because she raised five boys.  With professional house-cleaning help.  And with millions of dollars for things like health-care emergencies.  Or any other emergencies.

Hang tough, Hilary Rosen, because you were right.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)