Sure looks good on paper: a thriller starring Jodie Foster and directed by David Fincher. Alas, Panic Room will likely not go down in film history as the pinnacle of either hotshot’s career. And yet second-tier work from Fincher and Foster is still worth checking out. Watch it for free by clicking here.
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WHEN ZOMBIES ATTACK!
I suppose it’s in bad taste, but I want to chew on this Florida face-eating incident, just a bit more. There are a lot of juicy nuggets and tasty tidbits related to this story, so please humor me if you find any of the following items hard to swallow:
Face-eater understatement No. 1, from Miami cop Javier Ortiz: “It was very sad to see what happened to this gentleman that had his face eaten.”
Face-eater understatement No. 2, from Miami cop Armando Aguilar: “In my opinion, he [victim Ronald Poppo] just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
Editors at The Huffington Post seem to think that if you include the word “naked” in your headline, people will pay attention:
Above, the most popular stories on The Huffington Post. Who needs The Walking Dead when we’ve got all this to digest?
*****
From Parade:
Question: Does Martha Stewart ever order takeout?
Answer: “Oh, I never do!” says Stewart, 70. “I can’t remember the last time I ordered in a pizza. I will either eat out in a very good restaurant or I will cook.”
Not sure why Parade didn’t ask Stewart about prison food. Didn’t she have to “order in” pretty much every day when she was behind bars?
*****
Lots of outrage over the John Edwards trial. I’m not about to defend Edwards’s behavior. However … didn’t anyone read the book Game Change? Elizabeth Edwards, who is portrayed as a saintly victim in many media reports, comes across in the book as an ill-tempered, unstable harridan.
I am reminded of Jack Lemmon’s old movie, How to Murder Your Wife. In the final act, Lemmon asks a pal if, given the opportunity to simply push a button and make his wife disappear, he would push it. If I was Edwards, I would have pushed that button.
*****
I’m tired of hearing about “urban legends.” Aren’t there any good rural legends?
*****
Author Janet Evanovich finally got a movie produced, based on one of her books. One for the Money was savaged by critics, bombed at the box office, and currently has a 2% “fresh” rating at Rotten Tomatoes. So I’m guessing that when Evanovich blogged about attending the premiere of the film, she didn’t intend for her comments to sound, well, quite the way they sound:
“The premiere for One for the Money, the movie, was last night in New York City. It was pretty exciting!” she gushed. “And just so you know, it’s not all glamorous … my eyes didn’t swell up and break out until after I saw the movie.”
*****
Bonehead Quote of the Week:
“Don’t you worry about the optics of this, you as a doctor?”
— CNN resident idiot Sanjay Gupta, expressing his disapproval to a doctor who dared to oppose Proposition 29, a new tax on smokers up for a vote this week in California. Gupta, in the guise of objective journalist, acknowledged that he is on the board of directors of an anti-tobacco foundation. I guess he’s not concerned about the “optics” of that.
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Tell No One A so-so thriller from France. Eight years after losing his wife, a pediatrician (Francois Cluzet) finds himself on the run from cops and bad guys. There are a few dazzling scenes, but Cluzet is no Cary Grant and it’s a bad sign when, near the end of the film, one character must take 10 minutes of screen time to explain the convoluted plot. Release: 2006 Grade: B-
*****
The Woman in Black Daniel Radcliffe encounters clichés and deafening sound effects in a plodding, derivative ghost story. Radcliffe plays a lawyer dispatched to work at an old dark house, where he hears things that go bump in the night, sees shapes that do not seem all right, and delivers a jolly good fright — just kidding. If there are “starter movies” for kids itching to see their first spooky film, this might be tame (or lame) enough to qualify. Release: 2012 Grade: C-
*****
The War Room Probably of interest mainly to politics junkies and die-hard Democrats, this “fly on the wall” documentary is hampered by the fact that everyone on camera is acutely aware of that fly on the wall. The result is reality TV, politics-style: not particularly insightful, but an entertaining time capsule. How much you enjoy the film — ostensibly about the 1992 Clinton campaign, but really The James Carville Show — will depend on whether campaign manager Carville amuses or irritates you. He amused me, but only to a point. Release: 1993 Grade: B
*****
Chronicle It’s a bird, it’s a plane … it’s Carrie meets Son of Flubber. Or possibly Christine meets Spider-Man. At any rate, a Stephen King sensibility permeates this silly-but-entertaining romp. Chronicle follows three Seattle teens who develop telekinetic powers after encountering a mysterious force buried in the ground. Fun stuff, but it’s time for Hollywood to dump the shaky amateur-cam, which by now is less realistic than distracting. Release: 2012 Grade: B
*****
The Skin I Live In Crazed plastic surgeon Antonio Banderas has bad luck with women, to put it mildly, and the result is two hours of non-stop unpleasantness, populated with characters who are emotionally dead, psychotic, or both. If you’re going to make a movie about death, rape, and revenge, it would help if you include at least one sympathetic character. But the film does look pretty. Release: 2011 Grade: C
*****
Lars and the Real Girl An original idea marred by some exceedingly stupid scenes. Mentally ill Ryan Gosling orders an Internet-era version of Harvey the invisible rabbit, a sex doll named “Bianca,” and everyone in town humors him by playing along with his fantasy — including the entire staff of a hospital emergency room. Yeah, right. But there are some charming moments, and Paul Schneider is a hoot as Gosling’s exasperated older brother. Release: 2007 Grade: C+
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by Marie Belloc Lowndes
Lowndes drew inspiration for this 1913 novel from the Jack the Ripper slayings, but the author’s genius lay in whom she chose to play her protagonist: a frumpy, middle-aged landlady. Just as Dostoyevsky placed readers inside the guilty mind of Raskolnikov in Crime and Punishment, Lowndes puts the psychological in “psychological thriller” by lodging us firmly within the rattled thoughts of “Mrs. Bunting,” an oh-so-proper English maid who grows increasingly paranoid, fearful, and – hold on – attracted to the mysterious gentleman who takes rooms at her boardinghouse … and who also takes late-night “walks” through the fog-shrouded streets of London.
Lowndes draws parallels between the way we deal with horror in the abstract (visits to the “Black Museum” and Madame Tussauds are good fun) and the reality of having a serial killer in your house (not so fun). Above all, The Lodger is a testament to the power of suggestion, because not knowing what’s in the lodger’s handbag is more chilling than actually knowing.
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Easy Rider is a groundbreaking film that perfectly encapsulates the youth rebellion of 1960s America. Or … Easy Rider is a low-budget, dated, pretentious mess about narcissistic, clueless young people. You decide. Watch it for free by clicking here.
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This Week’s Irritants
Standing ovations: When you give standing ovations to all performers, no matter how mediocre or awful they might be, there is absolutely no motivation for the performers to excel. Why should they, when they are treated like rock stars for average performances? If it’s a so-so performance, go ahead and applaud — but keep your fat ass seated.
*****
Diet books: I have never understood their popularity. Throughout human history, there have been two ways to stay in shape, and two ways only: portion control and exercise. No fun at all, but the only way to stay slim. And yet millions of people continue to waste money on these asinine books.
*****
CNN bimbo Alino Cho (the woman with a speck of dirt on her lip, above) did a report on the lurking dangers of … the office break room. Seems there are lots of germs in break rooms. Cho reported on a study paid for by Kimberly-Clark, which just happens to be a cleaning-products company. Two thoughts come to mind: 1) Somehow, our ancestors conquered the New World, often subsisting on things like grubworms and wild berries. With that perspective, the office break room fails to strike fear in my heart. 2) If Cho’s report frightens you, you’d better damn well vote for the Democrats, because Republicans are anti-regulation, including, presumably, health regulations.
No Kimberly-Clark products for these folks.
*****
CNN reported on something that might or might not be a story, maybe in August, but maybe not, possibly in Florida, but possibly not. CNN asked this burning question: What if a hurricane hits Florida during the Republican National Convention in August?
Oh, gosh. What if lightning strikes me as I sit here typing on this ke–
*****
Bill Clinton caught hell for posing with porn stars (above). But seriously … aren’t these women, presumably hard-working taxpayers, better citizens than the Wall Street fat cats who usually pose for pictures like this?
*****
I am in an especially foul mood today, because it was a sad week for disco. Yes, you heard me: I said IT WAS A SAD WEEK FOR DISCO. We lost Donna Summer and a Bee Gee. In my humble opinion, disco, that much-maligned musical marvel of the ’70s, was topped only by The Beatles in toe-tapping excellence. Love to love you, baby.
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by Ernest Hemingway
I wonder if this Hemingway memoir would have such a legendary reputation if the people populating its pages were lowly Bill the bartender, Carl the concierge, and Connie the coat lady, as opposed to Gertrude Stein, James Joyce, F. Scott Fitzgerald, and other luminaries from the “lost generation.”
I say that because the stories themselves, derived from Hemingway’s life in 1920s Paris, aren’t all that intriguing – at least on the surface. Hemingway has lunch with a poet; Hemingway edits a woman’s manuscript; Hemingway goes for a walk; Hemingway has lunch with another poet. And the celebrated artists we meet through “Papa’s” pen come off less mythic than all-too-human: We learn that Ford Madox Ford had body odor, and Fitzgerald suffered from penis-size anxiety … if you believe the author, who claimed to be a stickler for “truth.”
But Hemingway’s writing style grabs and holds. His voice is strong yet remote, as if he noticed everything but none of it really affected him. He describes a person or situation, and then sums it all up with some pithy, perfect observation, and suddenly those mundane sidewalk strolls and lazy lunches become compelling.
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Rampart See Woody snarl. See Woody cry. See Woody puke. This is an “actors’ movie” if ever there was one, and Harrelson is very good as a crooked L.A. cop, but you still need a story, and Rampart’s plot is threadbare and unpleasant. Release: 2011 Grade: C
*****
Corman’s World For decades, Roger Corman has been Hollywood’s crazy uncle, the embarrassing relation who tells dirty jokes at dinner and insists on shots of whiskey for dessert. Corman made B movies, but his list of protégés is impressively A-list. Jack Nicholson and Martin Scorsese are just two of the Corman graduates who pay tribute in this entertaining, clip-filled documentary. Corman himself never graduated to the Hollywood big-time — a fact not really explained in this movie. Release: 2011 Grade: B
*****
Asylum Blackout My bar is at ground level for low-budget horror movies, but this one isn’t half-bad. Here is what Asylum has going for it: 1) characters with some depth; not a whole lot of depth, but more than we usually get when kids hang out at cabins in the woods (in this case, the kids are trapped in a mental hospital when the power goes out); 2) some genuine suspense; 3) an intelligent screenplay, albeit a tad too smart for its own good near the end; 4) ominous settings; and 5) a good, creepy villain. Release: 2011 Grade: B
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That Nicolas Cage, you never know what to expect from him, do you? Just when it seems that he will appear in nothing but junk for the rest of his career, he wins an Oscar or stars in an acclaimed movie like Adaptation. I haven’t seen this, but the critics adore it, and critics are never wrong … are they? Watch it for free by clicking here.
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I’m going to make a point of watching American Masters. Monday’s biography of Johnny Carson was tremendous — enlightening, and more than a bit sad. You can watch it for free at the PBS Web site.
*****
It must have been a slow news week for MSNBC’s Lawrence O’Donnell, who on Wednesday went after Fox News court jester Greg Gutfeld. Gutfeld raised O’Donnell’s hackles by making fun of chef Mario Batali, who was living on a food-stamp budget to protest potential cuts to the program.
“Kinda makes you wonder what the ‘Greg Gutfeld Foundation’ has done lately,” O’Donnell raged. “These people [Gutfeld and his guests on Red Eye] think Mario Batali deserves to be slapped around.”
Gutfeld is a quick-witted little twerp, but he’s often guilty of the same ploy he accuses Bill Maher of using: blurting out some vile comment and then playing the “comedian card.”
However … unlike the independent Maher, Gutfeld also plays shameless kiss-ass for his masters at Fox, in particular Bill O’Reilly.
*****
I don’t think Entertainment Weekly much cares if it appeals to people like me. The cover this week features Channing Tatum and his male stripper pals. EW’s second major story this week is about a woman who designs costumes. This is not manly material.
I would return to Newsweek or Time, but Time has a breast-feeding teenager and Newsweek has a homosexual politician on their covers.
Perhaps Playboy. Does Playboy still publish a magazine?
*****
People magazine paid $800,000 for pictures of Jessica Simpson’s baby. This is a picture of a baby:
Many newborns in the animal kingdom are cute, such as puppies and bunnies. Human babies all look the same — ugly, wrinkled, and like Winston Churchill. And yes, that includes your baby.
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