Here’s a comedy I have not seen but want to, because I find the premise irresistible: Two 15-year-old girls (Kirsten Dunst and Michelle Williams) who live at the Watergate complex, circa 1972, accidentally get involved in a burglary (yes, that burglary) and wind up meeting our 37th president. Click here to watch it for free.
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21 Jump Street Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum play cops who go undercover at a high school to bust drug dealers. Hill, who co-wrote the story, apparently drew inspiration from preschool memories for this immature, offensive, painfully unfunny garbage. Release: 2012 Grade: F
*****
The Hunger Games Jennifer Lawrence brings the same rural charm she rode to an Oscar nomination (for Winter’s Bone) to this entertaining, if overlong, spring blockbuster. The story — in the future, society’s upper class keeps the underclass in line by staging a televised battle to the death among selected young people — isn’t all that original, but Gary Ross’ stylish direction and Lawrence’s appeal produce riveting spectacle. Release: 2012 Grade: B+
*****
The Descendants George Clooney plays a Hawaiian lawyer who, after his wife is left comatose by a boating accident, must grapple with two rebellious daughters, greedy relatives, and one life-altering revelation. Nobody does Middle-Aged-Man-Under-Stress stories better than writer-director Alexander Payne (Sideways), whose movies click because their characters, although often behaving foolishly, worm their way into your heart. Release: 2011 Grade: A-
*****
A Separation A tense, intimate look at honor and justice, Iranian-style, as a man separating from his wife faces prison for accidentally causing — or not — a miscarriage suffered by a family caretaker. The clinical, faux-documentary style (shaky camera, no music) employed here adds to the story’s realism but also leaves what should be an emotional drama feeling a bit cold. Release: 2011 Grade: B+
*****
Killer Joe A black comedy that aims for twisted humor but mostly misses the mark. Members of a Texas trailer-trash clan hire a hit-man (Matthew McConaughey) to bump off a family member for the life insurance — but double-crosses are afoot. The acting is good, and the direction by old pro William Friedkin is slick, but any grins and giggles are drowned out by an off-putting abundance of sadistic sex and graphic violence. Release: 2012 Grade: B-
Magic Mike The cable channel Cinemax used to specialize in movies like this (and maybe still does): Innocent youth takes job at strip club; older stripper takes kid under wing; bad things happen, anyway. Swap out the usual no-name cast for some Hollywood stars, add a slumming director (Steven Soderbergh) with a decent budget, trade all that girlish flesh for beefcake in thongs, and you have Magic Mike, voyeuristic claptrap that’s no better — or worse — than those late-night Cinemax flicks. Release: 2012 Grade: C-
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The Onion crowned North Korea’s Kim Jong-un, above, as the “sexiest man alive,” and a Chinese newspaper fell for it. Ha ha. But you know what? I’m not so sure that belittling the sex appeal of a dangerous nutball who is itching to show off his country’s nuclear capabilities is a particularly good idea.
*****
Two and a Half Men star Angus T. Jones (above, with some chick) trashed his own show, urging Americans to stop watching it and branding the sitcom as sinful “filth.”
I watched the show once or twice during the Charlie Sheen hullaballoo, just to see what all the fuss was about. I didn’t think its major sin was “filth.” It was crappy writing.
*****
Two-word terms that I don’t ever want to hear again: 1) fiscal cliff; 2) Lindsay Lohan
*****
I broke down and watched The Avengers on Blu-ray. It sure looked pretty. It sure was stupid.
Director Joss Whedon and company made a ton of money off this drivel, which is fine by me; I can’t begrudge them that. But what grates is the self-congratulatory nonsense that its cast and crew spew in the video’s extras. Everyone involved with this movie was “wonderful,” and the film itself is “brilliant.”
Meanwhile, Entertainment Weekly continues its devolution into People magazine, or possibly Out magazine, devoting its cover and 36 pages to “entertainers of the year.” Sexpot Whedon (below) is photographed ripping open his shirt and is sanctified by actor Nathan Fillion, who informs readers that Whedon’s “vision was deep and expansive, emotional and human. He knew every possible angle of the world…. That’s why he was so perfect for The Avengers.”
Silly me. I thought The Avengers was just an expensive comic-book movie.
*****
I’m not too crazy about the marketing practice in which Web sites track our online surfing in order to customize our likes and dislikes. Marketers at The Huffington Post have determined that I am a likely fan of this story:
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In these contentious times, during which the “99 percent” seem to have no use for the “1 percent” — and vice versa — it’s tempting to prepare for The Queen of Versailles by polishing a bayonet and rehearsing the line, “Off with their heads!” The stars of this documentary are, after all, a filthy-rich husband and wife in the process of building the world’s largest vanity project, a 90,000-square-foot private home in Orlando, Florida. This monument to excess is rising up within shouting distance of that mecca of the common people, Disney World. Billionaire businessman David Siegel and his trophy wife, Jaqueline, liked what they saw in France and decided to recreate the famed French palace as their very own American dream home.
During the course of the film, we learn how David got rich in the timeshare business, which often involves selling pricey apartments to regular folks who don’t have much cash. We also listen to David boast that it was his influence that got George Bush elected in 2000. So the irony was heavy when Bush policies later contributed to the financial crisis that now threatens Siegel’s two Xanadus — his unfinished mansion in Florida, and Westgate Resorts, a timeshare high-rise in Las Vegas — because Siegel cannot raise enough cash.
So yes, it’s tempting to snicker when things go sour for the Siegels. Except … it’s not that simple. Director Lauren Greenfield dampens our glee by demonstrating that the Siegels, tacky as they might be, are not all that different from the rest of us. They both come from modest backgrounds, and David is nothing if not hard-working. When his (admittedly grandiose) dreams begin to fade, he is philosophical and maintains a sense of humor. He wants his kids, all eight of them, to turn off the damned lights when they leave a room.
Meanwhile, wife Jackie is a compulsive shopper who, according to her husband, is in reality the ninth child in his household. Former model Jackie means well, but seems clueless about her effect on others.
Watching this film, I was reminded of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s line in The Great Gatsby, in which he describes Tom and Daisy, a privileged pair who are not intentionally destructive:
“They were careless people, Tom and Daisy — they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness, or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they had made.” Grade: B+
Director: Lauren Greenfield Featuring: David Siegel, Jackie Siegel, Virginia Nebab Release: 2012
Watch the Trailer (click here)
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When Chicago was awarded a Best Picture Oscar ten years ago, a certain segment of the population was thrilled. Could this mean that the musical was back? Well … not so much, and not for long. Check out Richard Gere and Catherine Zeta-Jones in this Jazz Age musical by clicking here.
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Poopyheads
“The president was … elected on the basis that he was not Romney and Romney was a poopyhead and you should vote against Romney.”
I tried to find a picture of a real poopyhead to go along with this Grover Norquist quote, but I am not sure what a genuine poopyhead looks like. I suspect it looks a lot like Grover Norquist, so here is a picture of him.
“Tractor Supply [Company], that’s not a real thing, right?” — precious poopyhead Toure (below) on The Cycle last week, proving that privileged, clueless liberals are alive and well in TV punditry-land.
Jonathan Alter — dude, you’re not fooling anyone with that pathetic comb-over. We can tell that you are a bald poopyhead.
*****
The Grouch finally caved and bought his first flat-screen, high-definition TV, along with a Blu-ray player. His first impression? The clearest, most striking images are all in the commercials.
*****
Shows that the media love but hardly any real people watch: The Colbert Report and Girls. Below, Gawker’s comparison of Girls and Veep, which is another new series on HBO.
*****
During Obama’s visit to Staten Island last week, I noticed Chris Christie standing in the president’s entourage. Turns out it wasn’t Chris Christie. It was Janet Napolitano, above left with her back to the camera. My apologies to … somebody.
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by Joe Queenan
Humorist Queenan, now in his 60s, says he occasionally visits the suburban Philadelphia library that he patronized in his youth, and where a librarian from that era, one Edith Prout, still toils among the shelves. One of Queenan’s books is stocked on those shelves. “Edith herself isn’t all that taken with my work,” Queenan tells us. “Too cynical, she says. Too snarky.”
I think Edith might have a point. Although Queenan’s homage to the book, in which he writes lovingly not just of his collection’s content but also of each title’s importance as a symbol of treasured moments in his life, is often funny, sometimes poignant, and frequently biting, I think One for the Books is probably best read in bits and pieces, rather than all at once – too much snarkiness can be hazardous to your health.
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For all of you science-fiction fans, here’s Bruce Willis doing his thing in 1997’s The Fifth Element. Click here to watch it for free.
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I don’t understand how Amanda Seyfried keeps landing big parts in major motion pictures. OK, let me rephrase that: I don’t understand how Amanda Seyfried keeps landing speaking parts in major motion pictures – she certainly has the requisite looks. Luckily, this 2010 thriller also stars acting pros Liam Neeson and Julianne Moore. Read my review here, or watch it for free by clicking here.
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