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23Mar

The Weekly Review: March 17 – 23

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Black Hysteria Month

Like O.J. before him, Tiger Woods is rebounding from scandal with the help of a blonde from Minnesota. Tiger’s courtship techniques, well documented in text messages to a former flame in 2009, seem to work well for him. Did the Woodsman dust off some of the charming gems reprinted below to woo Lindsey Vonn?

*****

Oprah is reportedly doing a sex scene in an upcoming film called The Butler. Guess I’ll go ahead and cancel my cataract surgery, because I’d hate to accidentally see that.

*****

“I’m only in my 60s. I’ve got a nice long life ahead: big plans.” — woman in AARP commercial

I don’t usually wish physical harm on people, but if a bolt of lightning struck this smug woman, strutting through the woods as if she owns the world, I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it.

*****

TV Report Card

Vikings — moderately entertaining, but no great shakes

Bates Motel — moderately entertaining, but no great shakes

Top of the Lake — moderately entertaining, but … the jury is out

Here’s the problem with AMC’s The Walking Dead. The zombies are slow, stupid, and about as life-threatening as a June bug infestation. The only time these sluggards pose a threat is when you are dumb enough to do something like sleep in a tent, outdoors in the woods. Early on in this series, the heroes — you knew it — slept outdoors in tents in the woods.

Meanwhile, on The Americans:

*****

It’s been awhile since we checked in with the gang at Survivor:

*****

Hmmm … did someone on The Big Bang Theory get a boob job?

*****

Dumb Quote of the Week

“Lena Dunham, for instance, is totally great at being naked.” — Libby Gelman-Waxner in Entertainment Weekly. If we need any more proof that men and women are from different planets, this quote ought to do the job.

*****

Who is this Roma Downey, a producer of History’s The Bible? Is she the one who chain-smoked and hosted that 1980s talk show? Or is she the actor who got sent to jail and drug rehab?

17Mar

The Searchers

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by Glenn Frankel

It’s funny how you can sail through life thinking that you are reasonably well-versed in popular culture, yet be oblivious to certain landmark events (or movies). I lived for 20 years in North Texas, but had never heard of Cynthia Ann Parker, a legendary frontier girl who was abducted by Comanches near Dallas in 1836, and whose kidnapping became the basis for John Ford’s classic western, The Searchers – a movie I have not seen.

Frankel’s book is an ambitious attempt to link Parker’s story, Ford’s movie, and America’s tortured racial past, but it’s only somewhat successful. Searchers suffers from the same disease that afflicts so many other historical books: the author’s obligation to include genealogical minutiae of interest primarily to other historians. Yes, I’m intrigued by Cynthia Ann’s tragic life – but please don’t bore me with details about her uncles and aunts.

16Mar

The Weekly Review: March 10 – 16

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Myrtle Manor “Wiener Girls” Chelsey and Lindsay (see below)

*****

Facebook honcho Sheryl Sandberg made the rounds plugging her new book, Lean In, in which she preaches that women can “have it all.” Or so I heard — do you really think I read this stuff?

I figured that superwoman Sandberg, as part of her having it all, lays claim to some virile, race-car-driving husband. Or possibly a pool-cleaning boy toy. Here are two pictures. Guess which dreamboat belongs to Sandberg.

*****

It was rather rich to see that anti-bullying crusader, Anderson Cooper, in Rome as part of the media’s collective kiss-ass over the Catholic Church’s latest P.O.P. (protector of pedophiles).

*****

TV Report Card

Growing on me: The Americans on FX

Beginning to lose me: Welcome to Myrtle Manor on TLC

The two shows do have one thing in common …

*****

If I am ever on trial for my life, I will instruct my lawyers to reject any gravel-voiced, older females during jury selection. I notice that on Nancy Grace’s program, an inordinate number of callers are gravel-voiced, older females, and they often seem to harbor vast quantities of hostility. None of these angry ladies on my jury, if you please.

I picture these women at home, a glass of whiskey in one hand and a Camel in the other, glaring bitterly at their television screens. Sort of like a couple of women on a well-known animated sitcom …

*****

It’s been much too long since we’ve heard from my favorite celebrity grouch, Daniel Craig. Happily, Craig was in a New York supermarket when he encountered a picture-snapping fan.

“Is watching me food shopping with my wife really all that interesting to you?” Craig reportedly screamed as he snatched the offending camera. That’s my boy.

*****

Will someone please explain to me the popularity of Justin Timberlake? Are boundless energy and ubiquity the same thing as genuine talent?

11Mar

Dead End (2003)

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I suppose a psychologist can explain the link between humor and horror, and why so many of us seek a mix of the two in our movies. Why, for example, did we want Abbott and Costello to meet Frankenstein? I can’t answer that, but I do know that my favorite parts of the Evil Dead films come when bug-eyed Bruce Campbell ventures into slapstick, Looney Tunes territory.

So what a treat it is to discover Dead End, a bottom-of-the-Walmart-bin gem from 2003. With all of the cheesy, low-budget horror out there, how does a good one like this escape notice?

If you haven’t seen it, and I’m guessing not many people have, the story is this: The Harringtons, composed of all-American mom, dad, son Richard, and daughter Marion, along with Marion’s boyfriend Brad, are on a Christmas Eve road trip to grandmother’s house — or so they think. In reality, or perhaps unreality, they are on a road trip to hell. Things begin to go sour when dad stops to offer a lift to a “lady in white,” an ethereal blonde with a baby who is inexplicably wandering the woods.

The woman is not what she seems, the baby is not what it seems, the road is not what it seems, and before long each Harrington is not what he or she seems.

The plot does veer into horror-film cliché, but Dead End’s wit and comic performances — especially by Ray Wise and Lin Shaye as the bickering, hapless parents — are priceless. It’s inspired lunacy, what you might get if the Bundys from Married … With Children showed up in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Grade: A-

Directors: Jean-Baptiste Andrea, Fabrice Canepa Cast: Ray Wise, Lin Shaye, Mick Cain, Alexandra Holden, Billy Asher, Amber Smith, Karen S. Gregan, Sharon Madden Release: 2003

Watch the Trailer (click here)

09Mar

The Hidden Face

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I’m not sure why, but something that Hollywood used to be pretty good at — the moody, psychological thriller — seems to have migrated south of the border. It’s been 14 years since M. Night Shyamalan’s The Sixth Sense, and those of us who prefer an O. Henry twist to special effects and gore have had to get used to reading English subtitles.

And so we have The Hidden Face, a Spanish-Colombian production in which a rippling pool of water in a sink is more significant than any number of bloody hatchets — and way more entertaining.

Adrian (Quim Gutierrez) is a rising star with the Bogota Philharmonic Orchestra, a young conductor whose good fortune does not extend to the women in his life. When his live-in girlfriend (Clara Lago) goes missing, Adrian finds solace first in alcohol, and then in the waitress, Fabiana (Martina Garcia), who serves his drinks. But the police are suspicious, and so is Fabiana when things start to go bump in the night at the rented mansion she begins to share with Adrian. Is there a ghost in the house?

The Hidden Face is short, sweet, and satisfying, like an episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents with South American scenery and South American nudity. There is nothing profound about it, but it sure beats bloody hatchets. * Grade: B+

* Note: Beware the trailer for this film, which inexcusably reveals a major plot twist.

Director: Andres Baiz Cast: Quim Gutierrez, Martina Garcia, Clara Lago, Maria Soledad Rodriguez, Jose Luis Garcia, Marcela Mar, Humberto Dorado Release: 2011

Watch the Trailer – If You Must (click here)

09Mar

The Weekly Review: March 3 – 9

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I watched the premiere of Welcome to Myrtle Manor on TLC. There. I said it.

Heaven help me, but I enjoyed the damned thing. Pictured above is series regular Roy. Roy is a hairdresser. Pictured below are Myrtle Manor residents Anne (left) and Miss Peggy. Miss Peggy is an exhibitionist, and Anne is … well, Anne. Let’s all hope and pray that there are no tornado scares at the trailer park.

*****

Let me see if I have this straight. Decades after the Vietnam War, Jane Fonda still gets spat on by angry veterans and denounced in Congress, but Dennis Rodman gets a pass for his love-fest (above) with North Korea’s Kim Jong-un?

*****

OK, America, let’s go ahead and legalize discrimination against smokers. But while we’re at it, let’s also make sure that your fat husband can’t get a job and your alcohol-guzzling wife gets fired, because they are making the cost of my health insurance go up.

*****

Quote of the Week

“John Boehner can barely control his caucus.” — MSNBC’s Karen Finney. I know how Boehner must feel, because there are times I can barely control my caucus.

*****

More good news for job-seekers: They are still seeking a proofreader at The Huffington Post.

05Mar

Reviews in Short: March 2013

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Juan of the Dead

Senseless and silly, but with a goofy kind of charm, Juan presents zombies invading Cuba with the fate of the country left to a small band of ragtag Havanans. The zombies are rumored to be part of a nefarious plot by the United States (the walking dead are referred to as “dissidents”), but this movie is much too wacky and good-natured to concern itself with politics. Release: 2011 Grade: B

*****

Cache

For most of its two hours, Cache is a gripping drama. Someone is secretly taping events and places related to a French family, then sending the videos and disturbing letters to the increasingly paranoid parents. And now I’m going to break a cardinal rule and give away the film’s resolution: There isn’t one. I spoil the ending because there’s a difference between thought-provoking enigma and simple cop-out. Cache, by failing to provide answers to its central mystery, is a frustrating tease. Release: 2005 Grade: B

*****

Fast Times at Ridgemont High

It’s choppy and unpolished, but there’s a good reason that Ridgemont is a high-school comedy classic. Amy Heckerling’s film (scripted by Cameron Crowe) features one unforgettable character after another. Sean Penn’s pot-fried Spicoli is legendary, and many a male has freeze-framed Phoebe Cates’s, uh, poolside charms, but repeat viewings are a hoot thanks to Ray Walston, Judge Reinhold, and too many others to mention here. This ain’t no Porky’s; yes, there are sophomoric hijinks, but there are also moments of genuine heart. Release: 1982 Grade: A-

*****

The Searchers

Psst … don’t tell Searchers fans like Martin Scorsese, Curtis Hanson, or pretty much any critic who votes in “best of” lists that I’m saying this, but John Ford’s famous western is — at least in some respects — badly dated, with some truly cornball acting and key scenes that don’t ring true. The movie does, however, showcase John Wayne at his orneriest and some spectacular outdoor photography shot at Utah’s Monument Valley. Release: 1956 Grade: B

*****

Zero Dark Thirty

The first 90 minutes of Kathryn Bigelow’s docudrama aren’t so much about the hunt for Osama bin Laden as they are about the hunt for bin Laden’s courier — an interesting, but not particularly compelling, historical footnote. The other problem with Zero is Jessica Chastain, an actress who lacks the strength of personality to convince as the tenacious CIA agent who locates the infamous terrorist. Claire Danes does this sort of thing much better on Homeland. But the climactic raid on bin Laden’s compound is tense and worth the wait. Release: 2012 Grade: B

02Mar

The Weekly Review: February 24 – March 2

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Oscars Wrap-Up

Adele picked up an Oscar for her song from the movie Skyfall. I’m thinking of calling the picture above, with Adele towering over Kristin Chenoweth, “Sunblock.”

Lending a touch of glamour to the proceedings, Oscar winners Jennifer Lawrence, above left, and Anne Hathaway, right, posed for photographers after the big show.

I guess that when you have two gay guys producing the Academy Awards telecast, there is no way to avoid god-awful musical productions, but geez. Perhaps they thought they were throwing a bone to heterosexual men with their “We Saw Your Boobs” number (above), but even that fell … uh, flat.

It takes a lot to steal the show from Adele, who sang the Oscar-winning “Sunblock,” but Barbra Streisand (“The Way We Were”) and especially Shirley Bassey (above, belting out “Goldfinger”) managed to do just that.

*****

Thank God that poor, downtrodden Ben Affleck got an Oscar so that we can all relax and stop feeling sorry for him. Ben was inspirational when he told us how life had been a struggle for him, but that we should all follow his example and just keep on fighting. And when the cameras cut to Ben’s movie-star wife shedding movie-star tears in the audience, I had to reach for some tissues. Well, OK, so it wasn’t a tissue, but brown barf-bags are also made from trees.

*****

Quotes of the Week:

“At the time you were kissing Mr. Burns’s lips, did you know he was dead or not?” — prosecutor’s question for Jodi Arias at her murder trial on Monday.

The topic on Wednesday’s Red Eye was working from home. Bill Schulz said, “The alone time does tend to make one odd … you watch a lot of weird stuff.” Yes, like Red Eye at 2 o’clock in the morning on Wednesday.

*****

I’m having trouble following this “Blade Runner” business in Australia, possibly because it’s taking place in South Africa, not Australia. The “Blade Runner,” legless Oscar Pistorius, is on trial for killing a model. First, we got the shocking news that the trial prosecutor will also be tried for homicide. Then we were again coldcocked, this time with reports that Pistorius’s brother will also be tried for homicide. I fully expect to hear, any day now, that the judge is accused of some murderous rampage.

*****

Apparently, we were all supposed to be wowed over the retirement of that Catholic creep in Rome. Why this pedophile protector isn’t moving out of the Vatican and into a prison cell is the real story, but you’d never guess that from fawning media coverage.

*****

Lots of exciting news at The Huffington Post. They still have an opening for a proofreader, and secondly … well, here is my hopeful post in their comments section:

*****

At some point, haven’t we all?

02Mar

Cold Sweat

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Cold Sweat is one of those horror flicks in which people constantly do illogical and stupid things — like hiding where the bad guys can (or should) find them, or failing to locate the front door — and in which the plot degenerates from the implausible to the silly to batshit crazy. But because director Adrian Garcia Bogliano is on top of his game, bringing energy, mischief, and style to his movie, Cold is eminently watchable.

Bogliano has said that he wanted to lace his horror with a little history, reminding young Argentineans that there are real-life bad guys walking the streets of their country: aging holdovers from a military dictatorship that conducted a reign of terror in Argentina dating to the 1970s. To that end, the villains in Cold are — I’m guessing you haven’t seen this before — two geezers living in a ramshackle house in the heart of Buenos Aires.

And what sort of skullduggery are these deranged coots up to? “Catfishing,” of all things. Locating young, attractive women on the Internet, the codgers lure these gullible girls to their creepy abode, sprinkle a nitroglycerine derivative onto their bodies, and then force them to … solve math formulas on a chalkboard! (Please refer here to the opening sentence of this review, i.e., people doing stupid and illogical things.)

It’s nonsensical, but if you’re willing to simply absorb Cold Sweat on a visceral level, it’s a fast-moving hoot. Bogliano knows how to pace a thriller, and visually his movie resembles The Texas Chainsaw Massacre redone as music video.

Oh, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t credit Bogliano with one of the more creative means of getting an actress to go nude: Apparently, once your body is sprinkled with an ultra-sensitive nitroglycerin derivative, your wisest survival course is to completely disrobe. I did mention the words “stupid” and “illogical,” did I not? Grade: C+

Director: Adrian Garcia Bogliano Cast: Facundo Espinosa, Marina Glezer, Camila Velasco, Omar Musa, Omar Gioiosa, Noelia Vergini, Daniel de la Vega, Victoria Witemburg Release: 2010

Watch the Trailer (click here)

27Feb

Totally MAD

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What, me worry? Yes, unfortunately. This coffee-table sampling of 60 years of MAD magazine disappoints on a number of fronts. Many of the selected articles are incomplete; the type is often impossible to read without a magnifying glass; and, last but not least, there is not enough Don Martin. There can never be enough Don Martin.

Another problem, probably one that could not be helped, is that much of MAD’s humor is topical – and topical humor tends to lose bite over time. Marlon Brando jokes from the 1950s don’t quite cut it in 2013.

It might have been a better idea to do what Dark Horse Comics did with old issues of Creepy and Eerie, and publish a series of books containing entire issues of MAD; if they had done so, I would have been happy to buy editions representing, say, 1964 to 1970. But I don’t want to be too harsh on “the usual gang of idiots,” because there are a lot of funny bits in this 256-page collection, and nostalgia seekers will surely find some nuggets.