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14Jul

The Weekly Review: July 7 – 13

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No, it’s not “Shark Week.” Or maybe it is. See below.

*****

John Kerry (above) got in trouble for puttering aboard his yacht while Egypt burned. That’s not what bothers me. What bothers me is that Democrats are supposedly the party of environmentalism, and I’m curious about how much gas Kerry’s yacht guzzles, not to mention how much energy he and Teresa burn up in their mansions.

*****

When early reviews gush that a movie is “fantastic,” “groundbreaking,” or “the best film of the year!,” it rarely is. An example is 2010’s Inception, which fan boys and bloggers hailed as the next Citizen Kane. It wasn’t.

On the other hand, there are movies like The Raven, a flick that bombed and was universally trashed by critics. I saw it the other night and yes, it was silly and certainly no Oscar bait for John Cusack, who was oddly cast as Edgar Allan Poe (above), but it was a perfectly entertaining way to spend two hours.

In related news, although it’s not really related and it’s not really news, I am ashamed to admit that I missed the world premiere of SyFy’s instant classic, Sharknado (pictures at top and bottom). Luckily for me, there are always repeats.

*****

Country music’s Zac Brown, above left, and Duck Dynasty’s Willie Robertson, above right. How is this not the same person?

*****

“I think they ought to make him a cop in Nigeria.” — Bob Beckel (above) on The Five, speculating about George Zimmerman’s future.

*****

Local news station KTVU is taking heat for inadvertently broadcasting the “names” of the pilots of that ill-fated plane in San Francisco. OK, I suppose it was a racist and insensitive prank, but it’s also funny as hell.

*****

08Jul

Reviews in Short: July 2013

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The Host

Maybe it’s a case of cultural bias on my part, but I thought The Host, South Korean director Bong Joon-ho’s homage to 1950s monster-from-hell B movies, was a strange brew of slapstick comedy and serious, environmental commentary. But I also thought that the story, in which a polluted river gives birth to an ill-tempered beast, was non-stop entertaining. Release: 2006 Grade: B+

*****

After Porn Ends

Here are three things to know about being a former porn star: 1) You don’t want to be one; 2) if you are one, it’s better to be a male ex-porn star than a female ex-porn star — but not a whole lot better; 3) you probably guessed this, but most of these actors lead unhappy lives after they leave the sex business. Bryce Wagoner’s fair-minded documentary, in which he interviews adult stars past and present, is fascinating if depressing viewing. I did have one quibble: There is no mention of the porn kings who get rich exploiting these people. Release: 2010 Grade: B+

07Jul

The ABCs of Death

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It’s not easy to tell a good story in just five minutes. The ABCs of Death, an anthology of 26 short films in a two-hour framework, proves that sometimes you can, and sometimes you can’t.

Twenty-six filmmakers from 15 countries were issued a challenge: Using one letter of the alphabet as a thematic starting point, create a brief, death-oriented “chapter” that would join 25 other short films. The result is about what you’d expect — a few gems, several busts, and a whole lotta mediocrity.

Passing Grades:

“D Is for Dogfight” is a pulsating, relentless blast, with no dialogue but visual magnetism to spare. Director Marcel Sarmiento demonstrates how to use sound, slow-motion, and extreme close-ups to deliver a visceral knockout. It’s violent, but also unexpectedly poignant. D is for dynamic.

“X Is for XXL” generates a surprising amount of empathy for its protagonist, an obese middle-aged woman, as it chronicles a typical night for this social sad sack, culminating in a horrific resolution to her problems. Sissi Duparc is unforgettable, and X is for extraordinary.

Passing Gas:

“F Is for Fart.” Should a filmmaker’s twisted fantasy be considered “art”? I suppose so, or how else do we explain David Lynch? “Fart” is certainly memorable, but in the same sense than an overflowing commode is memorable. A young Japanese girl achieves nirvana with the aid of another woman’s derriere, proving that some directors (and actresses) will do anything for a paycheck. F is for flunk.

The other entries in ABCs run the gamut from visually striking to more wince-inducing displays of bad taste. Often really bad taste. I’m not sure that I’d want to be stuck in an elevator with some of these filmmakers.

Cast: Sissi Duparc, Arisa Nakamura, Steve Berens, Yui Murata, Chris Hampton Release: 2012

Watch Trailers and Clips (click here)

06Jul

The Weekly Review: June 30 – July 6

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No Politics Edition …

… because sometimes, you just get sick of it.

Showtime’s new series Ray Donovan is underwhelming. On the other hand, Jon Voight, above, makes one hell of a villain.

*****

Quote of the Week:

“What’s nine times three?” — houseguest Aaryn Gries, above left and right, in the blue bikini-bottom, asking a perfectly legitimate question and putting to rest the myth of the “dumb blonde” on CBS’s Big Brother.

*****

The Huffington Post, New York Post, and other pillars of journalism report that a bar in New York is hosting “the smallest penis in Brooklyn” contest. Journalist Misty the Size Vixen was also on top of the story, and is apparently quite enamored of the phrase “small penis”:

04Jul

The Moving Toyshop

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by Edmund Crispin

Toyshop is like an Alfred Hitchcock movie on the printed page, which is ironic since Hitchcock lifted a climactic carousel scene directly from this book for his classic Strangers on a Train (the book predates the movie by five years). But like one of Hitchcock’s famous chase films, Crispin’s novel is one wild and ridiculous roller coaster as our two heroes, one an Oxford don and the other a poet, race to solve the murder of an asphyxiated heiress. The plot doesn’t always hold up to scrutiny, but it doesn’t really matter because the action is fast-paced, humorous, and sprinkled with comic British banter.

29Jun

The Weekly Review: June 23 – 29

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CNN’s Rachel Nichols interviewed the Miami Heat’s LeBron James and then had this nauseating exchange with Brooke Baldwin:

Nichols: “Brooke, I love that idea, that the most powerful, talented basketball player in the world is just like the rest of us. That the first time you leave home, you get your shaky little wings out, you kind of test out the world and it teaches you new things …. It is good to be LeBron James right now. And it turns out he’s just like the rest of us. Who knew you could say that about LeBron?”

Baldwin: “‘Just like the rest of us.’ Listen to you, Rachel Nichols.”

No thanks, Brooke. Next time I see Nichols coming, I will get out my shaky little wings and fly away.

*****

Attorney Don West, right, exchanges phone numbers with new sweetheart, Rachel Jeantel

“You don’t think that ‘creepy-ass cracker’ is a racial comment?” — lawyer Don West to witness Rachel Jeantel at the George Zimmerman trial.

Can’t be racial; it’s what I think every time I find a broken Ritz in the box.

*****

For a computer geek, Ed Snowden is certainly living a glamorous life. Pole-dancing girlfriends, international intrigue, globe-hopping spies ….

*****

No matter where you come down on the same-sex marriage ruling by the Supreme Court, there is at least one positive side effect. Next time you encounter some pompous ass who considers himself (or herself) superior because of a ring on a finger, just ask, “Is your spouse a man or a woman?” I’m guessing they won’t like that.

*****

Be Afraid. Be Naked and Afraid.

Red Eye’s Greg Gutfeld watched Naked and Afraid and expressed disappointment that Discovery Channel “kept showing [the male’s] ass.” It’s true. They did keep showing the male’s ass. In fairness, here is a picture of the female survivalist’s ass.

25Jun

The Fall

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In crime dramas the hero, often a cop, is usually the main attraction: Sherlock Holmes, Inspector Morse, Hercule Poirot. Occasionally, the bigger draw is a colorful villain: Hannibal Lecter, or Gordon Gekko. What’s rare and remarkable about BBC’s The Fall is that the hero and villain are equally riveting.

Gillian Anderson plays Stella Gibson, a seasoned detective recruited by Belfast police to track down an apparent serial killer. (Yes, The Fall is yet another serial-killer procedural, but it’s much better than most.) Stella and the killer have at least one similarity: a cool detachment from most of the people they deal with. Gibson has little use for convention, especially the male-centric sexual politics at Belfast police headquarters.

She affects scant interest in anything so retro as traditional family life, and when her hotel tryst with a stud cop accidentally becomes part of an investigation, she pounces on a nosy male colleague: “That’s what really bothers you, isn’t it – the one-night stand? ‘Man fucks woman’: Subject ‘man,’ verb ‘fucks,’ object ‘woman.’ That’s OK. ‘Woman fucks man’: ‘Woman’ subject, ‘man’ object. That’s not so comfortable for you, is it?”

On the surface, Paul Spector (Jamie Dornan) is much more conventional than Stella. A professional grief counselor, he is also a devoted father of two young children and a loving husband. Paul puts a premium on people – unless the people happen to be sexy, professional females who live alone and who attract his attention. Says Stella: “The media loves to divide women into virgins and vamps, angels or whores.” That’s Paul’s philosophy, as well. He wouldn’t dream of harming his wife or daughter. But single, bar-hopping women? Fair game.

Series creator Allan Cubitt deftly juxtaposes each episode (season two airs in 2014) between ice-queen Stella and “family man” Paul. Stella’s workplace challenges are topical and provoking, and Paul’s nocturnal campaigns of terror are genuinely chilling.

As Stella narrates her theory of the killer’s modus operandi, we watch as Paul indulges his dark fantasies, whether stalking a future victim or placing his latest kill (Laura Donnelly, below right) into a tub for a postmortem bath. And we realize that when Stella and Paul eventually cross paths, the result will be delicious. Grade: A-

Creator: Allan Cubitt Cast: Gillian Anderson, Jamie Dornan, Sarah Beattie, John Lynch, Niamh McGrady, Siobhan McSweeney, Michael McElhatton, Ian McElhinney, Laura Donnelly, Aisling Franciosi Premiere: 2013

Watch the Trailer (click here)

23Jun

Death in the Clouds

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by Agatha Christie

Agatha Christie, queen of mystery, on race relations circa 1935:

“It was one of those enchanted evenings when every word and confidence exchanged seemed to reveal a bond of sympathy and shared tastes. … They disliked loud voices, noisy restaurants and negroes.”

Sigh. My other complaint with Death in the Clouds is that, once again, Christie’s plot hinges on the failure of people to recognize, at close quarters, someone they really ought to recognize. Otherwise, Clouds is solid Agatha: intricately plotted, clever red herrings and, of course, the peerless Hercule Poirot.

22Jun

The Weekly Review: June 16 – 22

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Jennifer Lopez got the 2,500th star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame. This is a major honor. Here are a few of Jennifer’s fellow luminaries who are memorialized on the walk:

Big Bird, Constance Binney, Rodney Bingenheimer, Leeza Gibbons, Godzilla, Horace Heidt, Shotgun Tom Kelly, Howie Mandel, Wink Martindale, Winnie the Pooh … and too many other giants of arts and entertainment to mention in this space.

Horace Heidt

*****

Fox’s Judge Jeanine Pirro, outraged over the story of Orlando Shaw, an idiot who fathered 22 children with 14 women, called for chemical castration of Shaw-like deadbeat dads.

I have another solution: Any deadbeat dad in the grip of sexual arousal could simply look at Judge Jeanine. End of problem.

*****

President Obama, faltering in the polls after more revelations about government spying, is basically saying to the public, “Trust me.”

Uh … no thanks. You have to earn trust, you don’t automatically get it. This condescending, professor-lecturing-students attitude that Obama affects when he’s in trouble has got to go.

*****

We won’t be hearing from George Zimmer on Men’s Wearhouse commercials anymore. I guarantee it.

*****

Jake Tapper had a question on Wednesday: “Why are so many mediocre movies getting sequels now?” Here’s an answer: Because Hollywood serves two markets these days — unsophisticated teenagers, and foreign audiences where subtitles don’t cut it, but car chases do.

17Jun

The Good Nurse

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by Charles Graeber

Apparently, there are more things to worry about than your health when you enter a hospital – including serial-killing nurses and butt-covering administrators. Graeber’s book chronicles the “career” of Charles Cullen, a male nurse whom authorities believe might have murdered hundreds of patients over a 16-year period beginning in the late 1980s. Cullen’s spree finally ended when another nurse, a single mother and Cullen’s co-worker, agreed to be wired and record her conversations with “good nurse” Cullen, who outwardly seemed a conscientious, if peculiar, caregiver.

I’m not sure why, but Good Nurse didn’t absorb me the way other true-crime books have, possibly because the soft-spoken Cullen is not particularly interesting; he lacks the killer charisma of a Ted Bundy, Gary Gilmore, or Paul Bernardo. Or maybe Graeber simply fails to shed enough light on his monstrous subject.