The Grouchy Editor

“The father of the bride [Bill Clinton] appeared to have followed his daughter’s instructions and lost quite a bit of weight for the ceremony.  She had ordered him to lose 15 pounds.” — New York Times story on August 1

To me, Clinton looks emaciated and much, much older since he followed Chelsea’s “instructions.”  I’ve noticed that high-profile, high-pressure jobs seem to accelerate the aging process.  Here are some recent pictures of other public figures:

Hillary Clinton

Laura Bush

Donald Rumsfeld

Barack Obama

Dick Cheney

*****

“Actor Andy Griffith has a new role:  pitching President Obama’s health care law to seniors in a cable television ad paid for by Medicare.  The TV star … tells seniors that ‘good things are coming.’” — wire service story

He should know.  Here is a publicity still of Griffith, 84, in full coital bliss from the movie, Play the Game.

*****

“[Steelers quarterback/accused rapist Ben Roethlisberger] was greeted warmly by an enthusiastic crowd estimated at 10,000 on Saturday at St. Vincent College.” — Associated Press story

“It’s [dodgeball] a great game that I loved in school.  It’s one of the few times when you can purposely hurt someone else, and the fat kids and nerdy non-athletic kids became easy targets.”  — NBA star Ron Artest

It’s nice to know that professional jocks think as much of their fans as the fans think of them, isn’t it?

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

  Special K Week: 

The Kindle and Killing Kim Kardashian

One nice thing about getting older is that you tend to miss out on what’s trendy — unless you accidentally stumble onto it.  Such was the case the other night when I happened upon Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

I don’t live in Botswana, so of course I had heard of these idiots, but I’d never actually watched their show, which apparently has been fouling the airwaves since 2007.  My impressions:

1)  What the hell happened to Bruce Jenner’s face?

2)  That Kim is a cutie.

3)  The mother, Kris Jenner, is a glorified pimp.

4)  Somebody needs to … kill the Kardashians!  I cannot see the teensiest benefit to our sharing the planet with them.

*****

The Kindle

Amazon lowered the price of its e-reader, the Kindle, so I broke down and bought one.  My thoughts:

Cons:

1)  Stephen King wrote his own appraisal of the Kindle, in which he quoted Gertrude Stein’s observation about her childhood home in Oakland:  “There is no there, there.”  After using the Kindle, I know what that means.  It’s just an eerie sensation to realize that you cannot rifle through pages.  And it sucks if you are on, say, page 78 and want to go back and read something on page 39.  To do that, you must laboriously tap back 39 times for 39 pages.  Very time-consuming — especially if you get to page 39 and then realize that what you’re looking for is actually on page 59.  Tap, tap, tap ….

2)  No color, and the graphics can suck.  I read The Passage on my Kindle and there was a map in the book.  But because the Kindle’s screen is so small (six-inch reading area), there was no way to get a satisfactory view of it.

3)  The Web browser is slow and has a primitive display.  The audio voices sound like Robby the Robot reciting Shakespeare in Pig Latin.

Pros:

1)  The light weight (8.7 ounces).  There is something to be said for a device that lets you read War and Peace or Moby Dick with your left hand while you eat, drink, smoke, or play with yourself with your right hand.

2)  Free public-domain books.  Within seconds, I downloaded books by Jane Austen, Mary Roberts Rinehart, Charles Dickens, and George Bernard Shaw.  It was like checking out library books without leaving my bed.

3)  The instant dictionary.  It’s sweet to simply highlight “repudiate” and instantly have a definition at the bottom of the screen.

Irrelevancies:

1)  Amazon hypes the fact that you can store up to 3,500 books on the Kindle.  Nice, but do you really expect to live long enough to read 3,500 books on your Kindle?

2)  A glare-free screen that allows you to read in sunshine.  OK, but I can also do that with a paperback.

3)  Download new books from the Amazon store in 60 seconds.  Rarely do I need a book in 60 seconds.  Sometimes a drink, yes.  Besides, I enjoy browsing at real bookstores.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Harry Potter fans are breathlessly awaiting the first installment of the series finale, due out in November.  The anticipation got me wondering about the young Potter stars in the aftermath of Deathly Hallows — what will become of Daniel, Emma, and Rupert?  Herewith, I handicap their careers:

Daniel Radcliffe (Harry):  He’d best make the transition from leading man/boy to character actor, because I can’t see the little shrimp making it as a conventional leading man.  Lots of stars — Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson — are short, but Radcliffe also has a “nerd” quality that will prevent him from becoming the next action hero.  Apparently he has genuine acting chops, because he seems to have done well on the stage.  If all else fails, Radcliffe can probably get work in porn because he seems unperturbed about displaying his “magic wand” (Equus).

Emma Watson (Hermione):  I see Watson as having the best shot at a solid film career.  She’s following the Jodie Foster path by attending college, does not seem overly consumed by fame, and is cute as a button.

Rupert Grint (Ron):  Grint reminds me of Anthony Michael Hall in those old John Hughes movies.  He’s going to be stuck in comedies and in roles where he plays the “best friend,” but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  He has great comic flair and might be the best pure actor of the Potter trio.

*****

I don’t normally seek out The Huffington Post for my humor fix, but I stumbled across this picture gallery the other day and I feel I should share it.  If you want more jock-strap jollies, click this link to check out the “Most Homoerotic Sports Photos Ever Taken.”

*****

Sarah Palin’s invention of the word “refudiate” reminds me of other words that get butchered, sometimes with absurd consequences.

Discriminate — This is not an inherently “bad” word.  Once upon a time, to discriminate was considered a good thing, as in, “She has discriminating taste.”

Niggardly — A few years ago, some public figure came under fire for using this word, which sounds a lot like the N-word but actually means “stingy.”  The poor man lost his job for using this word, which is a shame.  I believe we should refudiate this kind of discrimination, which seems niggardly.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

We hear a lot about America’s obesity epidemic.  One-third of America’s children are overweight or obese.  McDonald’s is under fire again, and soda machines are being removed from schools.

I am hearing a lot about something else — Nikki Blonsky, star of the new ABC Family series, Huge.  Nikki Blonsky, I hear, is a wonderful role model for young people because she embraces her “plus-size” frame.  Nikki Blonsky is perfectly content with Nikki Blonsky, so everyone else should shut up and deal with it.

This is all very confusing.  Lard — love it or leave it?

*****

I thought I might make an eyebrow-raising point (as opposed to, say, a hair-raising comment).  I thought I might complain about the disturbing shift in Hollywood from adult-oriented movies to kiddie fare.  Fifty years ago, I thought, we had more mature movies.  Today, we are inundated with Shrek, Toy Story, Marmaduke, Despicable Me, and superheroes.  Surely, that kind of thing was unheard of in the 1960s.  I looked it up.

Here are the top ten grossing films from the 1960s, in descending order:  The Sound of Music, 101 Dalmations, The Jungle Book, Doctor Zhivago, The Graduate, Mary Poppins, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, My Fair Lady, Thunderball, Funny Girl.

Rats.  So much for my argument.  Two cartoons, one live-action kiddie flick, and three family-friendly musicals.  Just for kicks, I looked at the 1950s.  The top of the list was dominated by Disney cartoons.  I give up.  Kiddies rule, and kiddies have always ruled.

*****

If Saturday Night Live doesn’t have a hilarious skit tonight about the Mel Gibson-Oksana Grigorieva freak show, I will give up on Saturday Night Live.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 .                              

Seems obvious that Hollywood has it in for poor Mel Gibson.  How else to explain the type of people that casting directors keep pairing with him?

In the Lethal Weapon movies, Mel was forced to share screen time with potential rapist Danny Glover (above).  As if that wasn’t bad enough, Mel was also coerced into romancing leading ladies of the Jewish persuasion — Julia Roberts in Conspiracy Theory and Goldie Hawn in Bird on a Wire.

Aren’t there any nice, talented WASPs who could co-star with Mel?  Oh yes, there is one …

*****

Here is a picture of Vogue magazine’s cover.  More evidence that Mad Mel is correct and that the blacks are out to get our white women:

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

How many real “movie stars” do we have left?  Meryl Streep and Jack Nicholson are superb actors, but are they really old-school movie stars?  I would argue that we have about four super-duper, wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am movie stars:  Tom Cruise, Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts, and Mel Gibson. 

If I was Hanks or Roberts, I would take one look at the box office for Cruise’s latest film, and I would take another look at what’s going on with Gibson and … I’d go back to bed.

*****

Typo of the Week:

A CNN anchor was reporting about a mishap in space involving the International Space Station, and a crawl came across the bottom of the screen:  “… resupply ship flew passed space station …”

I went back to bed.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

These are the eyes of Fox News anchor Harris Faulkner.  These eyes terrify me.  Her bulging peepers cause me sleeplessness.  I felt the need to share them with you. 

 .                

*****

Al Gore is accused of massage-parlor gropings.  If you were Al’s wife, would you trust this reptilian visage?

Looking at Faulkner’s eyeballs and Gore’s smarminess puts me in need of something cheerful.  So here is a smiley face:

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Hey fans, it’s that time again — World Cup soccer!

I live in Minnesota.  Other than Canada, there is no place in North America more rabid about hockey than my state.  People have been trying to turn me into a hockey fan my entire life.  It hasn’t worked.  Americans won’t take to soccer, either.

Soccer and hockey both suck on TV, and they aren’t a whole lot more fun to watch in person.  I’m sure they are fun to play, but as big-time spectator sports?  Nah.

*****

What’s wrong with this picture?

Yes, I understand that breast cancer is a serious matter, and no, I do not want breast-cancer research abolished.  But there is a story in Parade today about the amount of taxpayer money that goes into breast-cancer research, compared to funding for other cancers, cancers which happen to kill many more people.

Here are some numbers to ponder, from 2009:  Number One Killer — lung and bronchus cancer ($247 million for research); Number Two Killer — colon and rectum cancer ($264 million); Number Three Killer — breast cancer ($600 million); Number Four Killer — pancreas cancer ($90 million).  (All figures are for National Cancer Institute funding.)

*****

I really don’t care if 16-year-old Abby Sunderland becomes the youngest person to sail the world solo, or whatever it is she’s trying to do.  Bully for her.  And if the corpse of Ted Williams attempts to be the first dead body to climb Mount Everest, good for the Splendid Splinter. 

But when boneheaded sailors and climbers get into trouble and require thousands of taxpayer dollars to be saved, well, let them pay for their own damn rescue costs.  Australians are on the hook for little Miss Abby, who now informs the world that she can’t wait to try the whole adventure, all over again.  Why shouldn’t she, if she can get someone else to foot the bill for her next rescue?  From her blog:  “The loss of Wild Eyes [her yacht] will be deeply felt by Abby, who poured so much blood, sweat and tears into her.”

Boo hoo hoo.  Next time, let’s see her pour some money into her own rescue fees.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

I just got back from the store.  While I was gone, I left on the television set.  And my computer.  And a number of lights.  I do this kind of thing a lot.  I am an American, dammit.

Of course BP is to blame for the oil spill.  And yes, government regulators failed to regulate.  But trashing the British seems a bit hypocritical unless we, the American consumers, get our act together and stop demanding so much oil on the cheap.

Worst of all are bonehead celebrities like Ashton Kutcher (below).  Though well-meaning, stars like Kutcher jet set around the world and live in oil-guzzling mansions.  And he’s upset about all of the oil drilling?

*****

I sense a Hollywood trend.  Last year, Sandra Bullock won a Razzie Award for Worst Actress in All About Steve.  She also won an Oscar for The Blind Side.  This year, Kim Cattrall is getting hammered for starring in what some critics call the worst film of the year, Sex and the City 2.  But she also stars in what I think might be the best film of the year:  The Ghost Writer.   Will Cattrall follow in Bullock’s footsteps?

Regardless of Cattrall’s fate this year, who among us will ever forget her memorable performance in Porky’s (below)?

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 .                           

Joy Behar is growing on me.  I haven’t watched her on The View, because that entails getting out of bed in the morning, but on HLN’s The Joy Behar Show she’s funny and insightful.  Most refreshing:  She manages to keep her ego in check.  And is it possible she’s nearly 70 years old?

Bret Michaels is a great guy.  In fact, he might be a saint, because he once beat a brain hemorrhage and now he has diabetes.  He also once starred in a sex tape with Pamela Anderson and his tour bus was shot at.  The New York Times describes him as a “well-meaning has-been.”  He is a saint.

A.J. Hammer and Brooke Anderson of HLN’s Showbiz Tonight often chastise “the media.”  Silly me.  And here I thought that this sanctimonious, hypocritical duo was part of “the media.”

Unlikely Hero of the Week:  Bud Selig for getting something right by not overturning a blown call by the umpire during Armando Galarraga’s near-perfect game.  Baseball games are already too long; don’t make it worse by encouraging replays and overrules on every close play.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)