The Grouchy Editor

For a bunch of supposedly smart people, scientists sure are rotten at public relations.  This week, NASA decided to interrupt all regular news programming for a “major announcement.”  This announcement, we were told, would be about the search for alien life.  I got excited.  Did they find little green men?  Had someone (or something) in the universe finally responded to those old episodes of The Honeymooners we have been beaming into space?

Nope.  Instead, a condescending, annoying scientist named Felisa Wolfe-Simon came on camera and proceeded to talk down to the world about her big find — some microscopic potato-things in California with arsenic in their DNA.

Yawn.  I’m sorry, but I’d rather watch The Honeymooners.

*****

One day about 15 years ago I was sitting in an office in downtown Ft. Worth, Texas, when someone looked out the window and noticed a film crew working on the street below.  It was lunchtime, so I went outside and had a look-see.  They were shooting an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger, a CBS show starring Chuck Norris.

It was chilly that day — for Texas.  It might have been in the 40s.  I glanced to my right and noticed a man standing on the sidewalk.  He was visibly trembling, grasping his shoulders and red of face.  My first thought was, “What a wimp.”  My second thought was, “Hey, that’s Chuck Norris.”

I thought of that on Thursday when I read that Texas Gov. Rick Perry had named Norris an honorary member of the Texas Rangers.  Guess they’ll accept anybody.

*****

I was accused this week of being a “boobies man.”  I resent that.  I am a “butt man.”  Here is evidence:

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

—–Original Message—–

Sent: Friday, November 26, 2010 5:31 AM

To: guest.relations@target.com

Subject: Westinghouse 42″ TV on Black Friday Ad

Congratulations. I can’t imagine a better, more efficient way of alienating customers and generating bad word-of-mouth than the way your store just treated me on “Black Friday.” You lure people in for a Westinghouse high-definition TV for $298, let us stand in line in 10-degree weather for an hour, then open the doors at 4 a.m. and … at 4:05 inform us that the TV is sold out. This should be criminal. Not only will I never set foot in a Target again, I will do my damndest to tell everyone I know about this horrendous experience.

From: guest.relations@target.com

Sent: Friday, November 26, 2010 9:31 PM

Subject: RE: Westinghouse 42″ TV on Black Friday Ad

Dear Sir,

I’m sorry the advertised Westinghouse inch TV wasn’t available for you to buy at your Target store and I apologize for your disappointing experience on Black Friday.

We work hard to make sure you find the things you’re looking for at Target. A number of factors may impact the availability of our merchandise and sometimes sales of a particular item may exceed our expectations, even when our buyers do their best to anticipate guest interest. Whenever quantities of certain advertised items are limited we’ll let you know this right in the circular.

I understand that you’d still like to purchase this item, the TV description also had a statement “quantities limited; no rain checks.”  While I can understand how frustrating this was for you, we’re unable to offer you further resolution.

Your comments are very important us, and I’ll be sure to share them with our buyers.

Thanks for writing. Hearing about your experience helps us make Target even better.

Sincerely,

Garry

Target Guest Relations

Sent: Saturday, November 27, 2010 5:48 AM

To: guest.relations@target.com

Subject: Westinghouse 42″ TV on Black Friday Ad

And I’ll do my best to forever boycott your store, and encourage everyone I know to do the same. What you wrote is a crock, and we both know it. You were fully aware you didn’t have enough of the item in stock. You do, however, an excellent job in customer alienation, and in creating lifelong enemies.

Happy holidays!

*****

I stopped reading the “funny pages” in 1995, mostly because they weren’t in the least bit funny, but also because that’s when Gary Larson retired his brilliant strip, The Far Side.  But recently I discovered a guy named Tony Carrillo whose offbeat strip, F Minus, reminds me a lot of Larson.  Incredibly, against all odds, the thing is actually pretty damn amusing.  Most of the time.

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I’m so happy that I don’t fly much these days.  That means I can sit back and chortle over the “pat-down vs. body-scan” hullabaloo at airport security checks.  But I do agree with what’s-his-name, the toothy guy from California, who says the TSA’s procedures would be considered sexual assault were they not performed by the government.

As for same-sex patdowns … what if the TSA guy is gay?  For me, that would be more uncomfortable than having a woman do my crotch-cuddling.  Perhaps they could institute “don’t ask, don’t tell” hiring requirements for screeners.

Less intrusive measures are needed, if only because the law of “slippery slope” suggests that government will next be patting us down at shopping malls and baseball games.  I suggest more profiling — based on behavior, not ethnicity.  Profiling will be abused, of course, but then everything is abused.

*****

American Men Are Sick

All this talk about redemption and forgiveness for Philadelphia quarterback Michael Vick misses the point.  Football fans apparently think, “OK, Vick paid his debt to society, now let him get on with his life.”  But Vick “getting on with his life” does not mean the same thing as it does for 99.9 percent of other ex-cons.  In Vick’s case, it means wealth and fame beyond a person’s wildest dreams.  That’s not forgiveness, that’s a return to Mount Olympus.  All this mindless jock worship is the fault of American men. 

American Women Are Sick

Britain is atwitter over the engagement of Prince William and Kate Middleton.  This, despite horrific economic problems in that country.  No, England persists in wasting millions of pounds on its outdated, class-based Royal Family.

“The less romantic groaned, while the rest of us swooned,” gushed CNN’s Brooke Baldwin about the engagement.  Ugh.  “All those people who say we shouldn’t be covering this — it’s fun!” enthused another CNN reporter.  Ugh, again.  There is nothing “romantic” or “fun” about wasting millions on these privileged people while so many can’t pay the rent.  I blame the hysteria on this side of the pond on American women.

William in happier times

American Gays Are Sick

Three good reasons to ignore Dancing with the Stars:  1) The premise is flawed and unfair.  How do professional dancers like Jennifer Grey (Dirty Dancing) wind up competing against amateurs like Bristol Palin?  2) The show is less about talent and more about popularity.  How else to explain the continued success of Palin, whom most objective observers describe as gymnastically challenged?   3) It’s a stupid show.  I blame its popularity on American gays.

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.                          

“Horrific.”  “Awful conditions.”  “Harrowing experience.”

That’s some of the hyperbole used to describe the Carnival cruise-ship expedition that went bad near San Diego this week.  Ship guests were deprived of hot water for a spell, and had to subsist on cold food.

Poor babies.  I can only imagine the tears of sympathy shed by the Chilean miners when they heard about this.

*****

            The Strange Case of Dr. Anderson and Mr. Cooper

We all know that CNN’s ratings are in the tank, but what on earth have they done to poor Anderson Cooper?  Recently, our fair-haired lad has gone from puppy-dog cute (ask Kathy Griffin) to attack-dog mode.  Everything seems to infuriate Anderson.  This week, he is upset about Amazon promoting a pedophile-friendly book.  In his rage, Cooper seems to be calling for censorship.

I’m not sure what’s behind this personality shift, but I suspect that some honcho at CNN pulled Cooper aside and said, “Enough with this Boy Scout routine.  If we’re going to compete, you must toughen up — be more like Mike Wallace!”  I don’t think it will work.  I think he misses Kathy Griffin.

*****

Idiotic Quote of the Week:

So now Conan O’Brien is heroic?  Once again, the Chilean miners must be weeping in sympathy.  Wait … those miners weren’t really heroes, either.

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 .       

From a news report:

“127 Hours has gotten audiences fainting, vomiting and worse in numbers unseen since The Exorcist — and the movie has not even hit theaters yet.  A report in The Sun claimed that ‘horrified film fans threw up and fainted at the premiere of Slumdog Millionaire director Danny Boyle’s shocking new movie,’ which closed the London Film Festival last week.  ‘Boyle looked on as paramedics treated fans struggling to cope with gruesome scenes.’  And the person sitting near Daily Mail reviewer Chris Tookey ‘left just after the most gruesome bit and never came back,’ apparently rebuking ‘the most harrowing bone-breaking and amputation scene in the history of cinema.’”

Who are these wimps?  It’s a frickin’ movie, people!  Does someone also wipe your arse for you?

*****

Zach Galifianakis:  Everywhere I turn, I am seeing stories about this bearded John Belushi wannabe.  Galifianakis first came to public awareness in The Hangover, a movie in which he displays exactly one emotion — a glower — and for which he was heralded as some kind of comic genius.  He is now starring with Robert Downey, Jr. in Due Date, an uninspired comedy getting trashed by the nation’s critics.  Here is what Roger Ebert says about Galifianakis in Due Date:

This guy also made the news for — wait for it! — pretending to smoke a joint on Bill Maher’s HBO show.  And he again made news by reportedly wielding his immense Star Power by whining to director Todd Phillips that he could not work with disgraced actor Mel Gibson in the upcoming The Hangover Part II.  I am baffled, bamboozled, and befuddled by this guy’s sudden emergence as a Hollywood player.  It makes no sense.

*****

Stop It!

I watch too much cable news.  I know this, because I no longer pay attention to the actual news and am instead transfixed by the anchors and their annoying physical quirks.  Recently, I shared my irritation with entertainment reporter Kim Serafin, who is a living bobble-head doll.  I was also freaked out by Fox anchor Harris Faulkner’s enormous eyeballs.  I am now adding two more anchor pet peeves to my growing list.

I was watching The Larry King Show.  Larry was off-camera as the show prepared to go to a commercial break.  Suddenly, on the audio track, there came a wet, clicking sound — a slurpy, gnashing, glop!  The sound was familiar to me:  It was Larry running his tongue over his dentures.

CNN anchor Brooke Baldwin is a fox, no doubt about it, but she has the alarming habit of continually darting her eyes off to her right.  I can’t watch her for more than a few minutes without witnessing this odd phenomenon.   It appears as though someone just off-camera suddenly popped off a fart, catching poor Brooke off her guard.

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There is something to be said for having low credibility.  Cases in point:  Jerry Springer and Dick Morris.  I watch a lot of cable news, too much really, and it gets old listening to the same talking heads as they blather on about this or that.  But Springer and Morris, both of whom are considered jokes by a lot of people, understand that they have little to lose by speaking their minds — and they do so, most entertainingly.

*****

Quote of the Week:  “There’s a four-letter word in there.” — Fox anchor Megyn Kelly issuing a viewer “warning” before showing a clip of Joy Behar calling Republican candidate Sharron Angle a “bitch” (count the letters).

*****

I can’t be the only one who finds this bedbug infestation in New York City hilarious.

*****

Job I Want:  Cameraman for CBS’ Survivor.  This week, the boys showed off their cinematographic skills by focusing on contestant Brenda Lowe (above and below).

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Dangerous Occupation Number One:  ESPN Sideline Reporter

News Report — An ESPNU reporter smashed a window in her hotel room after being told by a caller that the room was on fire, the website The Smoking Gun reported Thursday.

Police said [Elizabeth] Moreau, in Gainesville to cover a women’s volleyball match between Florida and Tennessee, told them she became suspicious when the caller then told her “that’s what she gets for being a bad ex-wife” and made a disparaging remark about her sexual performance.

Moreau joins ESPN’s Erin Andrews on my list of Most Dangerous Occupations.  Andrews, you might recall, was victimized by some nutball who videotaped her through a hole in the wall as she pranced around naked in her hotel room.

Dangerous Occupation Number Two:  Ex-Movie Star

News Report — Actor Randy Quaid and his wife Evi were arrested in Vancouver on Wednesday for immigration violations charges after recently skipping a court date in California. … The headline-grabbing couple originally made news back in September when they were charged with felony burglary on suspicion of illegally squatting in the guest house of a California home they owned in the 1990s.

Celebrity bounty hunter Duane “Dog” Chapman issued a public challenge to the couple on Thursday night, urging Quaid to turn himself in or he would capture them personally.

Seems clear to me that the Quaids are this generation’s Bonnie and Clyde, and Dog the Bounty Hunter is our Eliot Ness.  Being an ex-movie star is now one of the Most Dangerous Occupations.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

The media is an easy punching bag and it’s often unfairly slammed, but the Chilean miners coverage offers so many irresistible targets.  Here are two definitions from Merriam-Webster:

You tell me — are these miners “heroes,” as the media keeps insisting, or are they “victims”?  Personally, I’d go with definition 2a.  You might say, “what does it matter?”  It does matter, because calling the miners heroic can cheapen the status of real heroes.

*****

Turd of the Year:  James Michael Duncan

You might think that being trapped in an underground inferno for 69 days — 17 of them without much hope of rescue — with 32 smelly, jumpy fellow miners might gain you a bit of sympathy.  But that would be underestimating the malevolence of the anti-smoker crowd.  According to press reports, many, if not most, of the miners are smokers, and one of their first requests upon contact with the outside world was for cigarettes.

Enter NASA’s James Michael Duncan, who decided that political correctness was more important than the miners’ psychological and emotional well being.  “There will be no alcohol.  Nor tobacco, although almost all of them have asked for some,” wrote a correspondent for El Pais.  Duncan eventually relented, permitting the miners a whopping two packs a day — or one or two cigarettes per smoker.

We can only hope that the miners, if and when they finally meet Duncan, will demonstrate for him one more way of shoving something up a narrow hole.

.                           Turd of     the Year

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

I guess now we all know why Vikings quarterback Brett Favre is so fond of the song “Pants on the Ground.”

It’s brutal being a Minnesota sports fan.  On Wednesday, we were pumped up about having home-field advantage for the Twins-Yankees playoffs.  On the same day, we learned that superstar receiver Randy Moss was coming home to the Vikings, where he would team up with Favre.  Super Bowl hopes were through the roof.

Twenty-four hours later, the Twins were facing elimination, Favre was giving new meaning to that “Pants” ditty, and we all learned who Jenn Sterger is.  Moss, of all people, was the only professional athlete in Minnesota who was behaving like a model citizen.

                      Moss                                                                Sterger

As for the Vikings, this is what I wrote in the “Weekly Review” on September 18:  “There is no team in professional sports more cursed than the Vikings, no team that does a better job of punishing its fans.  Let us see what horrors this new season brings.”

Thank goodness we still have Kevin Garnett and the Timberwolves.  Wait ….

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

                           O’Keefe                                                                              Boudreau

Times are tough at CNN, and the folks who work there aren’t getting any sympathy from the vultures at MSNBC and Fox News.  Here’s a list of recent kerfuffles and shenanigans at the world’s first cable-news network:

1)  CNN, all bubbly over the launch of its new Parker Spitzer talk show, suddenly must find a replacement for the volatile Rick Sanchez.  Sanchez was canned for the sin of actually speaking his mind — something of high value at rivals MSNBC and Fox, but not so much at CNN.

2)  Judging from the previews of the Parker Spitzer show, CNN might have another ratings disaster on its hands.  Eliot Spitzer seems to be ego incarnate, and it’s embarrassing to watch Kathleen Parker try to get a word in edgewise when he’s yapping.  Perhaps if the show does nightly segments on high-price hookers, Spitzer will be forced to clam up.

3)  CNN went all out hyping news babe Abbie Boudreau’s “expose” of conservative muckraker James O’Keefe.  O’Keefe was busted attempting to hoax Boudreau with a taped “seduction” aboard a boat stocked with “a condom jar, dildos, posters and paintings of naked women, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold.”  But Boudreau, whom O’Keefe referred to as a “bubble-headed bleach-blonde,” came off as a pissed-off woman intent on personal payback, and not exactly a serious journalist pursuing a story.

4)  Meanwhile, Larry King keeps getting caught on camera slurping his false teeth, and earnest Anderson Cooper stutters and stammers in a series of bizarre, indignant interviews in which he tries too hard to toughen up his Boy Scout image.

This is all very sad to watch.  It looks like the once-proud network is going down, which will leave us news junkies with only those howling jackals at Fox and MSNBC.  Larry King and his false teeth must clatter at the thought.

*****

You Don’t Miss It Until It’s Gone

Speaking of sad tidings … it looks like Blockbuster is biting the dust.  Yes, the late fees were outrageous, and yes, they failed to stock the right movies, and yes, they bulldozed a lot of mom-and-pop video stores.  But who among us won’t get a little misty-eyed if and when the chain disappears?  I, for one, will never forget the teenage, acne-ridden clerk who would examine my video at checkout and then loudly announce to everyone within earshot, “Bubble Headed Beach Babes will be due back on Tuesday, sir!”

*****

I know, it’s disrespectful and in poor taste to make light of the passing of a fellow human being, but dammit … this has to be the funniest headline of the week:

Segway company owner James ‘Jimi’ Heselden dies in England after riding a Segway off cliff

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