The Grouchy Editor

I guess this video of a train running smack-dab through the middle of a crowded market in Bangkok has been around for awhile on YouTube, but I just discovered it.  You should too.  For a sampler (there are numerous videos), click here.

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Mel Gibson’s new Jodie Foster-directed movie The Beaver premieres next week.  I have not, of course, seen the movie, but I did not let that stop me from posting a review on Rotten Tomatoes.  The response from scores of “tomato heads” was lively. Click here to read my “review” and their comments.

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I complain about American women who gush over anything and everything the Brits call “royal.”  The British monarchy and everything surrounding it belong in a museum.  However … every fall, American women are subjected to a (mostly) male ritual called the National Football League, which, if I’m objective about it, which I have a hard time being, also belongs in some museum.  So this upcoming wedding?  Knock yourself out, ladies.

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I rarely fly, so I am finding this whole air-traffic-controller flap quite entertaining.  I am also amused by screaming babies, delayed flights, and lost luggage.  LOL!

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Here is a picture of some chick and her butt.  I don’t know who she is, and I simply don’t care.

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Quote of the Week Number 1:  “I’m not sticking with people who are homophobic, anti-women, you know, moral values while you’re diddling your secretary, while you’re giving a speech on moral values.  Come on, get off of it.” — former Sen. Alan Simpson. 

Quote of the Week Number 2:  “That’s all you need.” — Walter Breuning, at age 114 the world’s oldest man until he died Thursday, stating his belief that people should get by on just two meals a day.

Quote of the Week Number 3:  “These aren’t special people.” — comedian Jerry Seinfeld dissing British royals and the circus atmosphere of the upcoming nuptials. 

Quote of the Week Number 4:  “Life is just a game.  When we get too serious about it, we fail.” — tweet from Kirstie Alley, who has never been a struggling single mother with two part-time jobs.

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Gold Diggers of the Week, Part 1:  An appeals court ruled that Tyler and Cameron Winklevoss cannot undo their 2008 settlement with Mark Zuckerberg, which gave the twin brothers a $20 million cash payment and part-ownership of Facebook.

CNN legal analyst Sunny Hostin gushed to Brooke Baldwin — twice — that the court ruling was too bad because the Winklevoss boys are so “cute.”  To this humble reporter, the twins look more Herman Munster than cute.

Gold Diggers of the Week, Part 2:  Jenn Sterger, who decided her silence about Brett Favre and Penisgate had gone on long enough.  Who will show this former Playboy model the money?

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Whiner of the Week:  Justin Bieber tweeting about pesky photographers during a layover in Israel:  “You would think paparazzi would have some respect in holy places.  All I wanted was the chance to walk where Jesus did here in Israel.”

Justin might have been distraught after news broke that tween sensation Rebecca Black’s “Friday” reached 100 million views on YouTube.

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Asshole of the Week:  Republican Paul Ryan.  Just because.

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Headline of the Week:

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Poor Housing Choice of the Week:  Trailers.  God must really, really hate trailers.

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I had to laugh at Southwest Airlines and the passengers aboard a Boeing 737 last week when a hole suddenly opened in the roof of the cabin.  The passengers, although unhurt, were terrified.  Good.  That makes me smile.  Why am I so tickled?

Because it turns out that in the old days, safety inspectors could detect “micro-cracks” in the fuselage by the appearance of nicotine stains around the cracks.  When airlines banned smoking, the stains disappeared, making the job of inspectors that much more difficult.

Gasped an incredulous Megyn Kelly on Fox News, “In a way, we were safer when people were smoking on the airplanes?” Replied a news correspondent: “In a way, we were.”

Said blogger Emile Husson on Over the Horizon: “It makes you wonder how many times second-hand smoke has saved the lives of airline passengers.”

Amen.

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Apparently, most people are more concerned about the looming NFL lockout.  At least we have our priorities in order.

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I generally admire MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow, but if she wants to expand her ratings, she needs to spend less time catering to her base with pet projects like gays in the military, The Defense of Marriage Act, and other issues that, really, affect just a miniscule percent of the population.

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Good riddance, Katie Couric.  The anchor role, for better or worse, demands a certain gravitas, not this perky “look at me, mom!” cheerleader persona that Couric projects.  And in case you consider that a sexist slam at female anchors, I believe that Diane Sawyer has the right stuff over at ABC.

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Eva Longoria on David Letterman’s show:  Wow.  Now that is a sexist comment.

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This picture of Jack Nicholson in The Shining has nothing to do with anything.  We just like it.

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10 Things I Hate About Dhue.  And Drew.  And Cutesy-Cutesy Coo.

1)   Two little critics, sitting in a tree …  This is from an Associated Press review of The Kennedys:  “A cautionary note to those who may have feared (or hoped) this docudrama would engage in Kennedy-bashing:  The Kennedys is a flattering, even affectionate portrayal.”

This is from Entertainment Weekly, reviewing the same miniseries:  “It’s a cobbled-together, mean-spirited piece of work that can’t help alienating viewers, whether you venerate the Kennedys or dislike them.”

2)   Trendy, cloying new word that needs to go away  —  “ginormous”

3)   On the Whole, I’d Rather Be in Philadelphia.  I don’t understand the fuss over Colombian soccer fans who brought a corpse to a recent match.  This kind of thing is old hat.  Hollywood legend has it that Errol Flynn came home one night to find the body of the recently deceased John Barrymore propped in a living room chair, apparently ready to play cards.  And then there is Fox News, which regularly showcases a cadaver named Charles Krauthammer.

4)  Bank bullshit.  My nominee for soul-sucking, unfunny commercials of the week:  the hideous spots for Ally Bank that try to convince us that people “love” their banks.  Sure we do.  And I am in lust with my social security card.

5)   Told ya so.  Entertainment Weekly asked if voters for Best Actress might have thought twice about choosing Natalie Portman, had they been aware of her minimal dancing in Black Swan.  Said one Academy member, “It would have mattered a lot.”

6)  Refreshing celebrity quote of the week:  “I feel guilty about everything.  I carry lots of guilt.” — Rod Stewart

7)   Dhue-dah, Drew-dah.  There was more preaching on Joy Behar’s show, this time by fill-in host Laurie Dhue (above), who felt compelled to inform viewers not once, not twice, but at least four times that she is a recovering, “high-functioning” alcoholic.  Dhue then offered her expert medical analysis of Charlie Sheen, much to the nodding approval of her guest, the egotistical Drew Pinsky.  Dhue and Drew both work for CNN, which is owned by Time Warner, which is being sued by Sheen.  Conflict of interest, anyone?

8)   Grrrrr.  Anderson Cooper doesn’t seem to know the difference between gravitas and grouchiness.  I can’t watch him for more than five minutes without feeling like grandma is lecturing me about my personal hygiene.

9)   Let’s ship him overseas.  The Donald told Bill O’Reilly that there are too many government regulations.  A mere ten minutes after that, Donald informed us that he has personally witnessed many business honchos doctoring financial documents.  God forbid we keep an eye on those crooks, right Donald?

10)   Grumpy Old Man.  O’Reilly has been relentlessly hammering General Electric for not paying taxes.  He’d have more credibility on this issue if he didn’t harbor such a grudge against NBC — a GE company.

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You know you’re pussy-whipped when this is how you spend your vacation.

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Yes I know, it’s not polite to speak ill of the dead, especially so soon after the dearly departed drops.  But this glorification of Elizabeth Taylor has gotten out of hand.  On Joy Behar’s show, the consensus was that Dame Liz will be remembered as “The Last Great Movie Star,” and as one of the world’s foremost humanitarians.

Problem is, Taylor could also be recalled as a notorious drunk and home wrecker.

“She was a good egg.  She was a real person, very down to earth,” said Angela Lansbury of the jet-setting, jewelry-loving, husband-collecting Liz.  Well, she did marry Larry Fortensky — that was certainly down to earth.

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I don’t know which is worse, watching the news on TV and being filled with impotent rage at all the bullshit, or just tuning everything out in favor of American Idol.

The self-help gurus all tell us the same thing:  Get involved in your community!  Easier said than done.  But isn’t this news about GE all too typical?

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Kirstie Alley vs. George Lopez:  At last, the celebrity feud we’ve all been waiting for.

After Lopez apologized for making fat jokes about Alley’s appearance on Dancing with the Stars, the corpulent chorine replied with this tweet: 

Let me get this straight.  Alley signs up to be on a show in which appearances are everything, and then gets huffy when a comedian points out (truthfully) that she looks fat?

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Entertainment Weekly’s story about German auteur Uwe Boll’s latest straight-to-video monstrosity, Blubberella, is the funniest thing I’ve read in months.  No, I am not referring to fat jokes.  I am referring to the hilarious anecdotes and quotes concerning the oddball Boll.  Boll, director of such garbage as BloodRayne and House of the Dead, is evidently battling The Room’s Tommy Wiseau for the title, “Ed Wood of the 21st Century.”

Boll, as Hitler, appears in Blubberella

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Moron of the Week Adrian Peterson, above, griped about the players’ relationship with NFL owners:  “It’s modern-day slavery, you know?  People kind of laugh at that, but there are people working at regular jobs who get treated the same way, too.”

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I’ve been watching a lot of television.  I have noticed that two kinds of commercials tend to dominate on cable-news channels:  erectile dysfunction remedies for men, and weight-loss pitches for women.  You don’t suppose the two issues are related?

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Thanks to these candid shots of bride-to-be Kate Middleton that are flying around the Internet, I am beginning to understand what His Toothiness, Prince William, sees in her.

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I, for one, am ecstatic that Aflac canned comedian Gilbert Gottfried.  No more annoying, unfunny duck quacks.

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When a tsunami hit Japan the other night, Fox News went to its ace reporter on the scene, Courtney Friel, who just happened to be staying with family in Waikiki.  In a stunning display of courageous journalism, Friel, pictured below in happier times, informed viewers that she and her relatives would be moving to higher ground, lest the tsunami get them.

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The difference between the far left and the far right?

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Quote of the Week:  “The little grouchy man that you see on-camera is not what you see off-camera.” — Randy Moss, apparently alluding to Yours Truly.

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These headlines showed up on the same day.  Can’t a baby get some respect?

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And so it has come to this for the nation’s downtrodden smokers.  Geraldo Rivera’s guest was porn star Kacey Jordan (above), one of Charlie Sheen’s infamous squeezes.  Sexy Kacey expressed her disgust over … the secondhand smoke in Sheen’s house.

Yes, even porn stars consider smokers beneath contempt.

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Speaking of Charlie Sheen … he has been getting hammered ferociously by certain segments of the media, most notably CNN’s Showbiz Tonight and the magazine Entertainment Weekly.  Showbiz Tonight bubble-headed anchors Brooke Anderson and A.J. Hammer (above) and EW’s snotty writers seem to be taking Sheen’s shenanigans personally.  I wonder why.

Sheen recently announced that he will sue Warner Brothers for breach of contract over his firing from the sitcom Two and a Half Men.  In addition to Warner Brothers, can you guess what else parent company Time Warner owns?  You guessed it:  Showbiz Tonight and Entertainment Weekly.

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Alan Simpson Quote of the Week:

“I think, you know, grandchildren now don’t write a thank-you for the Christmas presents.  They’re walking on their pants with their cap on backwards, listening to Enema Man and Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dogg, and they don’t like ’em!”

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Post-Oscar Ruminations

The King’s Speech and The Social Network both purport to be “true stories.” Evidently, those claims are unadulterated bullshit.  According to an essay by Christopher Hitchens, the real King George VI was a man who sought to appease Adolf Hitler.  The Social Network has a very different agenda:  It demonizes wunderkind Mark Zuckerberg, who, judging from what I’ve seen of him in interviews, is actually quite genial.

Oscar voters, presented with the option of voting for one of two truth-spinning biopics, opted for the one that made them feel better.

• I won’t bitch (much) about The King’s Speech’s Best Picture award, because it is an entertaining, well-made film.
• I will complain about Natalie Portman’s Best Actress triumph.  Portman apologists point out that she learned ballet for Black Swan.  Big deal.  Charlie Sheen learned how to throw a baseball for Major League.  That kind of thing is simply part of an actor’s job description.  Besides, Portman acknowledged that a stunt double was used for some of her shots.  She did, however, perform her own masturbation scene — quite admirably.
• James Franco and Anne Hathaway hosted a dull and predictable ceremony, but I blame lackluster writing more than the hosts.  Ricky Gervais couldn’t salvage some of those lame one-liners.
• The hoopla about the Oscars reaching out to a younger demographic?  Something must have gone terribly wrong, because the biggest laughs came courtesy of 94-year-old Kirk Douglas and 73-year-old screenwriter David Seidler.
• Biggest Oscar snubs:  The Ghost Writer, Blue Valentine, and David Fincher’s direction of The Social Network.

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Reasons To Hate Charlie Sheen:

1)  If you’re female, because he allegedly beats women.  2)  If you’re in the media and host a show like CNN’s Showbiz Tonight, because Sheen eliminates the middle man (you) by going straight to the public, which means we don’t really need your show.  3)  If you are an arrogant, preening egotist named Dr. Drew Pinsky, because Sheen called you a “clown” on national TV.  4)  If you are CBS … well, I’m not sure about CBS.

Reasons To Love Charlie Sheen:

1)  He might be crazy, but he is refreshingly honest — I think.  2)  He’s a big star, but he’s still managed to paint himself as “the little guy” battling faceless corporate honchos at CBS.  3)  He is quotable.  Two of my favorites:  “Just got invited to do the Nancy Grace show … I’d rather go on a long road trip with Chuck Lorre in a ’75 Pacer.”  “I will cut your head off, put it in a box and send it to your mom!”

Sheen could well be in the middle of meltdown, but a lot of what he says rings true  — to men, if not women.

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I’m beginning to believe the nutcases — maybe the world really will end in 2012.  Wars and threats of war in Egypt, Libya, Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, North Korea.  Natural disasters in New Zealand, Australia, and Haiti.  All of this chaos is covered by social media, including Twitter.  Could it be that the world will end not with a bang or a whimper, but with a tweet?

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I’m afraid the world has passed by poor Bill O’Reilly.  The Fox News figurehead was discussing the upcoming Oscars, and Bill said he hadn’t seen any of the “crazy movies” up for awards.  Bill said that he used to be a big movie fan.  On the other hand, Bill never misses an opportunity to mention The Andy Griffith Show or Leave It to Beaver in his quizzes and pop-culture references.

But there are signs that Bill is trying to modernize his pop-culture worldview:  This week, he interviewed that up-and-coming Hollywood stud, Ernest Borgnine.

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I’m still waiting for the angry backlash over Beyoncé, Mariah Carey, Usher, and other A-List American celebrities who pocketed millions by performing for the Gaddafi family in recent years.  Isn’t Gaddafi supposed to be, like, “the enemy”?  And oh, yes, let’s not overlook the American stars who enjoyed hanging out at Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi’s decadent parties.  Apparently, we only have room for Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan in our cultural doghouse.

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Anyone who’s seen the jaw-dropping 2010 documentary Videocracy isn’t surprised by the scandalous turmoil surrounding Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi.  And anyone who’s read the true-crime book The Monster of Florence won’t be shocked by the madness on display in the Italian justice system.

Italy, sad to say, seems to be completely insane.

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Free speech in America is alive and … not so well.  Not if you’re legendary reporter Helen Thomas, and not if you’re journalist Nir Rosen, who foolishly tweeted bad things about CBS’s Lara Logan.

Thomas had the temerity to criticize Israel — and was promptly forced into retirement by Hearst Newspapers.  As for Rosen, his timing was awful.  You do not tweet negative comments about a woman who just days earlier was sexually assaulted.  If Logan’s politics are war-mongerish, as Rosen asserts, he has every right to denounce them.  Just not right now.

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This hullabaloo over a girl wrestler in Iowa is annoying.  Cassy Herkelman is in the news because she’s wrestling boys, has advanced to the state tournament, and won by forfeiture when a boy declined to wrestle her.  The boy was in a no-win situation:  If he wrestled Herkelman and won, the refrain would be, “You beat a girl — big deal!”  If he wrestled her and lost, “I can’t believe you lost to a girl!”

Meanwhile, Herkelman rides the feminist wave to glory.  But this isn’t about equality; it’s about an attitude that says girls can’t have just anything, they can have everything.

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