The Grouchy Editor

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Yes I know, it’s not polite to speak ill of the dead, especially so soon after the dearly departed drops.  But this glorification of Elizabeth Taylor has gotten out of hand.  On Joy Behar’s show, the consensus was that Dame Liz will be remembered as “The Last Great Movie Star,” and as one of the world’s foremost humanitarians.

Problem is, Taylor could also be recalled as a notorious drunk and home wrecker.

“She was a good egg.  She was a real person, very down to earth,” said Angela Lansbury of the jet-setting, jewelry-loving, husband-collecting Liz.  Well, she did marry Larry Fortensky — that was certainly down to earth.

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I don’t know which is worse, watching the news on TV and being filled with impotent rage at all the bullshit, or just tuning everything out in favor of American Idol.

The self-help gurus all tell us the same thing:  Get involved in your community!  Easier said than done.  But isn’t this news about GE all too typical?

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Kirstie Alley vs. George Lopez:  At last, the celebrity feud we’ve all been waiting for.

After Lopez apologized for making fat jokes about Alley’s appearance on Dancing with the Stars, the corpulent chorine replied with this tweet: 

Let me get this straight.  Alley signs up to be on a show in which appearances are everything, and then gets huffy when a comedian points out (truthfully) that she looks fat?

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Entertainment Weekly’s story about German auteur Uwe Boll’s latest straight-to-video monstrosity, Blubberella, is the funniest thing I’ve read in months.  No, I am not referring to fat jokes.  I am referring to the hilarious anecdotes and quotes concerning the oddball Boll.  Boll, director of such garbage as BloodRayne and House of the Dead, is evidently battling The Room’s Tommy Wiseau for the title, “Ed Wood of the 21st Century.”

Boll, as Hitler, appears in Blubberella

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Moron of the Week Adrian Peterson, above, griped about the players’ relationship with NFL owners:  “It’s modern-day slavery, you know?  People kind of laugh at that, but there are people working at regular jobs who get treated the same way, too.”

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I’ve been watching a lot of television.  I have noticed that two kinds of commercials tend to dominate on cable-news channels:  erectile dysfunction remedies for men, and weight-loss pitches for women.  You don’t suppose the two issues are related?

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Thanks to these candid shots of bride-to-be Kate Middleton that are flying around the Internet, I am beginning to understand what His Toothiness, Prince William, sees in her.

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I, for one, am ecstatic that Aflac canned comedian Gilbert Gottfried.  No more annoying, unfunny duck quacks.

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When a tsunami hit Japan the other night, Fox News went to its ace reporter on the scene, Courtney Friel, who just happened to be staying with family in Waikiki.  In a stunning display of courageous journalism, Friel, pictured below in happier times, informed viewers that she and her relatives would be moving to higher ground, lest the tsunami get them.

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The difference between the far left and the far right?

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Quote of the Week:  “The little grouchy man that you see on-camera is not what you see off-camera.” — Randy Moss, apparently alluding to Yours Truly.

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These headlines showed up on the same day.  Can’t a baby get some respect?

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And so it has come to this for the nation’s downtrodden smokers.  Geraldo Rivera’s guest was porn star Kacey Jordan (above), one of Charlie Sheen’s infamous squeezes.  Sexy Kacey expressed her disgust over … the secondhand smoke in Sheen’s house.

Yes, even porn stars consider smokers beneath contempt.

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Speaking of Charlie Sheen … he has been getting hammered ferociously by certain segments of the media, most notably CNN’s Showbiz Tonight and the magazine Entertainment Weekly.  Showbiz Tonight bubble-headed anchors Brooke Anderson and A.J. Hammer (above) and EW’s snotty writers seem to be taking Sheen’s shenanigans personally.  I wonder why.

Sheen recently announced that he will sue Warner Brothers for breach of contract over his firing from the sitcom Two and a Half Men.  In addition to Warner Brothers, can you guess what else parent company Time Warner owns?  You guessed it:  Showbiz Tonight and Entertainment Weekly.

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Alan Simpson Quote of the Week:

“I think, you know, grandchildren now don’t write a thank-you for the Christmas presents.  They’re walking on their pants with their cap on backwards, listening to Enema Man and Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dogg, and they don’t like ’em!”

© 2010-2025 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

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Post-Oscar Ruminations

The King’s Speech and The Social Network both purport to be “true stories.” Evidently, those claims are unadulterated bullshit.  According to an essay by Christopher Hitchens, the real King George VI was a man who sought to appease Adolf Hitler.  The Social Network has a very different agenda:  It demonizes wunderkind Mark Zuckerberg, who, judging from what I’ve seen of him in interviews, is actually quite genial.

Oscar voters, presented with the option of voting for one of two truth-spinning biopics, opted for the one that made them feel better.

• I won’t bitch (much) about The King’s Speech’s Best Picture award, because it is an entertaining, well-made film.
• I will complain about Natalie Portman’s Best Actress triumph.  Portman apologists point out that she learned ballet for Black Swan.  Big deal.  Charlie Sheen learned how to throw a baseball for Major League.  That kind of thing is simply part of an actor’s job description.  Besides, Portman acknowledged that a stunt double was used for some of her shots.  She did, however, perform her own masturbation scene — quite admirably.
• James Franco and Anne Hathaway hosted a dull and predictable ceremony, but I blame lackluster writing more than the hosts.  Ricky Gervais couldn’t salvage some of those lame one-liners.
• The hoopla about the Oscars reaching out to a younger demographic?  Something must have gone terribly wrong, because the biggest laughs came courtesy of 94-year-old Kirk Douglas and 73-year-old screenwriter David Seidler.
• Biggest Oscar snubs:  The Ghost Writer, Blue Valentine, and David Fincher’s direction of The Social Network.

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Reasons To Hate Charlie Sheen:

1)  If you’re female, because he allegedly beats women.  2)  If you’re in the media and host a show like CNN’s Showbiz Tonight, because Sheen eliminates the middle man (you) by going straight to the public, which means we don’t really need your show.  3)  If you are an arrogant, preening egotist named Dr. Drew Pinsky, because Sheen called you a “clown” on national TV.  4)  If you are CBS … well, I’m not sure about CBS.

Reasons To Love Charlie Sheen:

1)  He might be crazy, but he is refreshingly honest — I think.  2)  He’s a big star, but he’s still managed to paint himself as “the little guy” battling faceless corporate honchos at CBS.  3)  He is quotable.  Two of my favorites:  “Just got invited to do the Nancy Grace show … I’d rather go on a long road trip with Chuck Lorre in a ’75 Pacer.”  “I will cut your head off, put it in a box and send it to your mom!”

Sheen could well be in the middle of meltdown, but a lot of what he says rings true  — to men, if not women.

© 2010-2025 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

I’m beginning to believe the nutcases — maybe the world really will end in 2012.  Wars and threats of war in Egypt, Libya, Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, North Korea.  Natural disasters in New Zealand, Australia, and Haiti.  All of this chaos is covered by social media, including Twitter.  Could it be that the world will end not with a bang or a whimper, but with a tweet?

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I’m afraid the world has passed by poor Bill O’Reilly.  The Fox News figurehead was discussing the upcoming Oscars, and Bill said he hadn’t seen any of the “crazy movies” up for awards.  Bill said that he used to be a big movie fan.  On the other hand, Bill never misses an opportunity to mention The Andy Griffith Show or Leave It to Beaver in his quizzes and pop-culture references.

But there are signs that Bill is trying to modernize his pop-culture worldview:  This week, he interviewed that up-and-coming Hollywood stud, Ernest Borgnine.

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I’m still waiting for the angry backlash over Beyoncé, Mariah Carey, Usher, and other A-List American celebrities who pocketed millions by performing for the Gaddafi family in recent years.  Isn’t Gaddafi supposed to be, like, “the enemy”?  And oh, yes, let’s not overlook the American stars who enjoyed hanging out at Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi’s decadent parties.  Apparently, we only have room for Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan in our cultural doghouse.

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Anyone who’s seen the jaw-dropping 2010 documentary Videocracy isn’t surprised by the scandalous turmoil surrounding Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi.  And anyone who’s read the true-crime book The Monster of Florence won’t be shocked by the madness on display in the Italian justice system.

Italy, sad to say, seems to be completely insane.

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Free speech in America is alive and … not so well.  Not if you’re legendary reporter Helen Thomas, and not if you’re journalist Nir Rosen, who foolishly tweeted bad things about CBS’s Lara Logan.

Thomas had the temerity to criticize Israel — and was promptly forced into retirement by Hearst Newspapers.  As for Rosen, his timing was awful.  You do not tweet negative comments about a woman who just days earlier was sexually assaulted.  If Logan’s politics are war-mongerish, as Rosen asserts, he has every right to denounce them.  Just not right now.

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This hullabaloo over a girl wrestler in Iowa is annoying.  Cassy Herkelman is in the news because she’s wrestling boys, has advanced to the state tournament, and won by forfeiture when a boy declined to wrestle her.  The boy was in a no-win situation:  If he wrestled Herkelman and won, the refrain would be, “You beat a girl — big deal!”  If he wrestled her and lost, “I can’t believe you lost to a girl!”

Meanwhile, Herkelman rides the feminist wave to glory.  But this isn’t about equality; it’s about an attitude that says girls can’t have just anything, they can have everything.

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Cheers & Jeers

Cheers to the people of Egypt, and Jeers to world leaders — presidents, prime ministers, chairmen, and dictators alike — who were demanding a “peaceful and orderly transition.”  What happened in Egypt was the realization of those leaders’ worst fear:  If the people can revolt in Egypt, they can revolt anywhere.  And that’s a frightening prospect to anyone in power.

Jeers to pampered movie stars Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Aniston, who seem to believe that the media (and fans) exist only to fawn over them.  Sorry, ladies, but sometimes your poop stinks, and when it does the press will cover that, as well.

Cheers to former Sen. Alan Simpson, who in an interview with CNN’s Candy Crowley managed to use the terms “310 million tits” and “green weenie.”

Jeers to the whining babies who missed the Super Bowl because a Texas fire department hadn’t time to inspect their stadium seats.  The reason that only the rich can afford to attend the Super Bowl is because jerks like you are willing to overpay for your seats. 

© 2010-2025 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

An Unwarranted Attack on Kristen Stewart’s Ass

Poor Kristen Stewart.  It’s not enough that she has legions of detractors because of her role in the Twilight franchise.  No, now she has jihadists to worry about.  Earlier today, I noticed that Kristen’s bare derriere was popping up all over the Internet.  Apparently, she parades her pooper in the movie Welcome to the Rileys.  In the interests of cinematic research, I Googled Kristen’s gluteus maximus and found several sites – purportedly presided over by “jihadists” – in which Kristen and her bubbly buttocks are the objects of much scorn.  For example:

“Kristen Stewart’s ass is flat and flabby from a sedentary Western lifestyle where women are not even made to harvest figs, so the only way Kristen Stewart is going to get a respectable behind is with a good old-fashioned Allah-sanctioned squats and lunges routine.

“As a typical Hollywood harlot we know Kristen will continue to prostitute her nude body on film whenever she gets the chance.  Let us hope she shows the same dedication into whipping her body into something that is aesthetically pleasing, or we will be continually underwhelmed with scenes like the one above.” – From celebjihad.com

Now, I have been guilty of criticizing Ms. Stewart in the past, but I think it’s unfair to pummel her posterior like this.  I think she has a ravishing rear, an ample ass anyone would be proud of.  Above is a picture of Kristen’s tappable tush.  Don’t you agree with me?

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Some years ago a book called All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten was published.  Judging from news footage of the burning streets of Cairo, the conflict over there seems to be about something we all learned in kindergarten:  It’s the “haves” versus the “have nots.”

Egyptians are simply saying “enough is enough.”  The problem, more or less, is the same everywhere else, including the United States.  So when Obama decries violent demonstrations in Egypt, he does not have the moral high ground — not when he’s given the OK to millionaire tax breaks.  The Washington Post reports that in Egypt, a major grievance is the fact that “money and power have become hopelessly entrenched in the hands of the few.”

As an aside to all of this, how on Earth did the media, once again, get caught so flat-footed by this story?

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Weekly Rant:  This lisping jerk Prentiss and his annoying son in “Passages Malibu” commercials are driving me to homicidal distraction.  Take that worthless fruit of your loins and move to Egypt, where they will know what to do with both of you.

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I used to admire Dennis Kucinich.  But now, with his threat of a frivolous lawsuit over an olive-pit sandwich, he is exposed as just another privileged jerk.  Please join the “Passages Malibu” father and son and move to Egypt.

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Relationship guru Steve Harvey’s ex-wife is spilling the beans about Harvey’s cheating ways.  Hey ladies, you know which kind of guy is least likely to cheat on you?  It’s the guy who has little or no opportunity to cheat, because he is not rich and he is not famous.  In other words, he is the guy who is least like Steve Harvey.

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                      Good Brit                                               Bad Brit

Ricky Gervais was a brilliant host at the Golden Globes.  The best jokes have an edge, and Ricky socked it to some big shots, including Johnny Depp, Angelina Jolie, and Robert Downey, Jr.  Proof of Gervais’ success came in the form of Entertainment Weekly,  in which Hollywood kiss-butt Mark Harris whined that the comedian was “unprecedentedly nasty.”  Harris wouldn’t recognize comic genius if it kicked him in the balls — because he hasn’t any.

As I feared, Piers Morgan is off to a rocky start with his new show on CNN.  Morgan’s “interview” of Oprah Winfrey was an embarrassing display of sycophantic fawning, blubbering, and journalistic Jell-O.  We learned that Oprah is all about love and giving back to the little people.  We also learned about the depths of Morgan’s insecurities.  Morgan’s interviews later in the week, with Howard Stern and then Gervais, were a bit better, but only because the guests were more interesting than Winfrey.

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I’m not sure how to broach this subject without coming off as a homophobe, but as long as I’m trashing Entertainment Weekly …  EW should really consider changing its name to The Advocate.  Not a week passes without the magazine gushing about the gay-centric TV series Glee, and EW’s gay-centric slant is apparent in most of its celebrity profiles.  The mag reached critical mass this week with a cover story about gay teens on TV, and yet one more spread about its beloved Glee.  I fully expect next week’s issue to arrive in the mail with a bouquet of roses.

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It’s too soon to know the complete story behind Keith Olbermann’s departure from MSNBC, but if it was a matter of Olbermann versus The Suits, I will always, always side against The Suits.  And if Comcast had anything to do with this, then screw Comcast.  And if this blog mysteriously vanishes, it’s because my Internet provider is Comcast.

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Roger Ebert’s new show is misleading us, because  Ebert himself is conspicuously absent.  The first episode reminded me of Alfred Hitchcock Presents — if you tuned in expecting Hitch to direct, you would be disappointed.

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