The Grouchy Editor

Tom Petty asked Michele Bachmann to stop using his song, “American Girl,” on the campaign trail.  Petty also requested that George Bush stop using Petty music during a Bush campaign.  Must be a tough job for whoever selects Republican campaign music, because unless you are into country, most popular music is created by liberals.

*****

A hidden camera caught Chris Hansen cheating on his wife.  Good.  I’m all for busting child molesters, but to me Hansen’s To Catch a Predator reeks of illegal entrapment.

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I’m tired of Kim Kardashian and her worthless family.  I mention Her Assness because as I write this, she and her dumb-jock boyfriend are just a few miles from me, attending a baseball game at Target Field, and I think I just heard thunder.  If I am wrong about that and the sound is instead Kim experiencing flatulence, then these could be the last words I ever type.

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Dickipedia — an amusing site.  It seems to be an equal-opportunity abuser.

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The anti-smoker police are at it again, using their Big Brother bully pulpit to place revolting pictures on cigarette packages.  Fine.  I think I have a small but potentially effective way to fight back.

First, I recommend that all smokers purchase a good old-fashioned cigarette case, like the iPod model pictured above.  Second, every time you empty out one of these new, anti-constitutional packages (free speech, anyone?), leave it somewhere very public, such as on a library shelf, a restaurant table, or a park bench. 

My hunch is that if enough mothers realize that little Johnny and Susie are being exposed to the repulsive illustrations on empty packages, they will react the same way they would if the object in question was a discarded Playboy magazine — with anger.  Quite possibly, these furious mothers will make the politicians back down.

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Roger Ebert caught hell for his possibly insensitive, definitely ill-timed Twitter post about the death of Jackass star Ryan Dunn.  I thought that Ebert caved to public pressure, and so I called him out on his blog.  Much to my surprise, the Big Man actually replied to my lecture:

*****

Summertime television used to suck.  Not anymore.  The second season of Louie premiered the other night.  It was just a so-so episode, but if last year was any indication, there should be more flashes of comic brilliance on this FX series.  The second season of The Big C premieres Monday on Showtime.  Laura Linney, as a soccer mom with cancer, is a sight to behold in this comedy-drama.  And on July 13 the final year of Rescue Me kicks off, also on FX.  Last year was a sub-par season for this once-great Denis Leary series.  Let’s hope it goes out with a bang.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Beer Goggles For Her

I have mixed feelings about Gollum-like Hugh Hefner and his trophy babes.  On the one hand, every guy likes to think that he can snare a young hottie — even when he’s decrepit and wearing Depends, like Hef.  On the other hand, is there any better example of the term “gold digger” than these girls who move in with him (and eventually scram, like “runaway bride” Crystal Harris, above right)?

Beer Goggles For Him

If you were as rich, powerful, and famous as Arnold Schwarzenegger, and presumably had your pick of the litter, would you pursue carnal knowledge with housemaid Mildred Baena?  Some media blowhard, I forget who, has a theory that makes sense:  Men crave variety, and so even if you’ve enjoyed a lifetime of gorgeous women throwing themselves at you, sooner or later you want something, uh, “different.”

*****

This video of the Dalai Lama and an Australian reporter is hilarious.  If you haven’t seen it yet, click here.

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Weiner has finally been eaten, so why is David Vitter still in Congress?

Multimillionaire Mitt Romney thinks unemployment is funny.  His party, led by Wisconsin’s Paul Ryan, wants me to shrug off 30 years of payroll taxes and then watch passively as the Republicans eliminate Medicare.  Meanwhile, Romney, Ryan, and the other Rs demand more tax cuts for the rich.  God help all of us.

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I see London, I see France ….

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Weinergate Throws Beltway for a Loop

Lots of people are having fun watching Anthony Weiner squirm.  I enjoy watching other politicians and media types squirm as they are forced to comment on the scandal.

Fox’s Bill O’Reilly has been visibly uncomfortable talking about Weinergate.  People might recall that, in 2004, Bill was on the no-fun end of a $60 million sexual harassment lawsuit.  His former producer, Andrea Mackris, claimed that Fox’s arbiter of good taste engaged in explicit phone fantasies with her.  According to published reports, O’Reilly wound up paying millions to Mackris.  And this guy sits in judgment of Weiner?

**

Women on cable talk shows are discussing “emotional abuse” as a legal issue. Be careful what you wish for, ladies, because once emotional abuse becomes as prevalent in the courtrooms as physical abuse, I’m guessing that there could be just as many women in our penitentiaries as men.  Possibly more.

Media talking heads keep using that tired phrase, “What was he (Weiner, above with wife Huma Abedin) thinking?”  We all know what he was thinking.  The real question should go to the talking heads:  Are you really that stupid, or do you just believe that your audience is that stupid?

MSNBC’s Chris Matthews was as uncomfortable as O’Reilly in discussing Weinergate.  Flustered and stammering as he read excerpts from Weiner’s sexting, Matthews was unintentionally hilarious.  “I guess it’s sex talk,” he surmised, looking around for corroboration.

**

New Michele Bachmann aide Ed Rollins created quite a stir when he accused Sarah Palin of being “not serious” politically, but I prefer this quote from Minnesota GOP strategist Sarah Janacek:  “Maybe there is only room for one articulate, good-looking conservative broad in the race.”  Good looking?  OK.  Articulate?  Well ….

The Wimp Factor:  When politicians are advised to toughen up their images, it usually backfires.  They just come off as fake (more so than usual, that is).  Al Gore suffered from the “wimp” problem, even after he famously kissed Tipper.  John Kerry had the problem, even though he is a war vet.  And Tim Pawlenty has it now.  O’Reilly and Donald Trump have been advising Tiny Tim to get more aggressive, but if he takes their advice, he’ll just come off as a phony.

*****

Reese Witherspoon, speaking at the MTV Movie Awards, was correct when she told American lasses, “It’s totally possible to be a good girl.”  But then she added, “And if you took naked pictures of yourself on your cell phone, you hide your face, people!  Hide your face!”  Gosh, Reese, most women don’t have access to Hollywood makeup artists to gussy up their nude shots, like you did in this scene from 1998’s Twilight.

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Life’s Little Irritants

We all hate commercials, but there is one species of advertising that is especially insidious:  the jingle commercial.

I can easily tune out most TV ads.  Some familiar pitch will show up on the screen, and I’ll go back to reading my newspaper.  But ignoring the jingle commercial is next to impossible.  You can be out in the garage, or enjoying a constitutional in the john, and suddenly the hair-raising strains of Neil Patrick Harris crooning “like an angel” for Xfinity will set your ears on fire.  You might be outside mowing the lawn when the gag-inducing “Nationwide is on your side” will drift out the window and infuse you with a desire to disassemble the blades from your mower and use them to slit your own throat.

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Showtime had a free preview, so I tuned in.  With a few exceptions, including The Big C, Showtime has the same problem today that it had 20 years ago, back when I was a subscriber:  Crappy programs.  There are simply way, way too many straight-to-video-caliber movies.

*****

I’m sorry, but American audiences are like trained seals.  Why on earth do we feel compelled to applaud:  1) the chorus-line kick; 2) people who reach old age; and 3) couples who have been married a long time?

The Rockettes’ high kick doesn’t look particularly challenging.  For all you know, that old geezer you’re applauding could be a lifelong child molester.  The married couple might have endured 50 miserable years together.  But like those trained seals, give us our cue and we’ll applaud.

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Funny guys who strike me as funny only when I channel my inner 12-year-old — and sometimes not even then:  Zach Galifianakis, Adam Sandler, Will Ferrell, Tim Allen, and most of the cast of Saturday Night Live.

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Life’s Little Joys

If you blog long enough, eventually some sort-of-celebrity will leave you a visitor comment.  I have had two such comments at the “Weekly Review,” one of them complimentary, and the other … not so much.  But thank you, Liz Sklar (above left) and Debi Sue Voorhees (above right).

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I don’t know.  I think police might have screwed up when they arrested this guy.  Seriously, does he look like the type who would shoot at an airplane?

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Institutional Fails

The Press

Years ago, a tabloid published a picture of Arnold Schwarzenegger groping an obviously underage Asian girl.  The future governor of California was standing behind the girl, grinning as he reached around her and fondled her breasts with his two gigantic paws. The girl’s eyes said, “I can’t believe he’s doing this.”

Yesterday, I did a Web search for the picture but couldn’t find it, which seemed odd because it was on the Internet in the past.  What’s even stranger is the absolute failure of the press to cover Arnold’s decades-long sexual shenanigans.  The L.A. Times did publish an expose in 2003.  There was also an article in Premiere in 2001.  Somehow, most of this stuff has vanished from the public eye.

The Court System

Lindsay Lohan gets sentenced to two weeks of house arrest.  Poor thing.  Next time I get arrested, I want to be sentenced to a stay in a palatial estate, too.  No wonder so many people have no respect for our criminal justice system.

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Things I managed to (mostly) avoid this week:  Oprah, American Idol, the Casey Anthony trial.

But it’s hard to overlook the pictures of accused child-killer Anthony that are circulating on the Web, so here’s another look.

*****

This, uh, “guy” has been making the talk-show rounds, promoting his/her book, Transition.  I didn’t quite know what to expect from the former daughter of Sonny and Cher, but now I do:  Chaz Bono (pictured here with girlfriend Jennifer Elia) seems to be one of the most well-adjusted, affable, funny, and intelligent blokes you might ever have the pleasure of meeting.

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THE END OF

THE WORLD 

The world ends today, so don’t feel obligated to read this post.  Have a beer, instead — if you have time.

I had a feeling something like this was going to happen because the other night I watched an obscure 1960s movie called Twisted Nerve, and in it Hayley Mills sees a man’s penis in the woods.  The moment I saw that scene, I knew the world must be ending.  I mean … Pollyanna?

*****

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Crazy Chicks Edition

“Yes, it improved the way I look, but this surgery was necessary for medical reasons.” — role model Bristol Palin, 20, explaining the plastic surgery that gave her a new face.  Right, Bristol.  Your surgery had nothing to do with your new career as a reality TV star.  Did you learn how to lie from your mother?

*****

The older I get, the less crazy that Shirley MacLaine seems to me.  Shirley is now promoting her new book, I’m Over All That, but I’m going to read the book that initially crowned her Queen of the Flakes back in the ’80s, Out on a Limb.  Reincarnation?  UFOs?  Hey, you got any better ideas?

*****

Correction:  It appears we committed a grievous error in the March 13 edition of the “Weekly Review.”  Apparently we misidentified Kate Middleton’s royal rump.  It now appears that the bikinied bottom we reproduced belongs to Middleton’s wild-and-crazy sister Pippa.  We apologize to Kate’s arse, and to Pippa’s arse, which is rising in popularity now that it has its own Twitter account:

*****

Hilary Swank is a movie star who, let’s face it, is not blessed with movie-star looks.  But L.A. radio host Kim Masters was a bit harsh when she told Swank, “[Meryl Streep] is not a pretty girl, and you’re not either.”  Swank took the insult in good humor.  Good on Swank, bad on Masters.

*****

Media Bullshit of the Week:  David Letterman (age 64), Chris Matthews (age 65) and other TV knuckleheads have been calling the late Osama bin Laden “old.”  Bin Laden was born in 1957.  It is scientifically, socially, and journalistically not possible for anyone born in 1957 to be “old.”

Now get off my lawn.

*****

Is there anyone more physically repulsive than the American politician?  Someone, I forget who, once said that the average politico is an egotist too homely to go into acting, so he (or she) pursues public service instead.  Anything for attention.

What makes the politician even more repellent is his vanity — these guys, cringe-inducing as they are, actually believe that they are attractive.  This is made possible because they have power.  People will overlook a pile of feces in the street if there’s money buried beneath it.

I am ranting about this because I just watched a politician named “Dutch” Ruppersberger on the news, and I didn’t hear a thing he was saying because I was too distracted by the ridiculous toupee on his ancient pate.  Is no one in this guy’s inner circle courageous enough to tell him he’s making an ass of himself?

To me, the hands-down winner of any Ugly on a Stick competition has to be Newt Gingrich:  fat, smarmy, scrunch-faced, slit-eyed and with an attitude that says, “Tom Cruise, eat your heart out!”  Would the nation ever recover from a president this ugly?

*****

We can’t conclude this week’s “Review” on such an ugly note, so let’s forget about politicians and instead remember Yvette Vickers, the Playboy Playmate who, sadly, was discovered dead and mummified in her California home last week.  Here is Yvette back in her 1950s Playboy glory days:

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Cheers & Jeers

Cheers to South Park — Your season-opening spoof of Steve Jobs and The Human Centipede was pure genius.

Jeers to Catholics — You are telling the world that John Paul II, a sick puppy who presided over years of pedophile cover-ups, is worthy of sainthood?

Cheers to “high” gas prices — They aren’t really that high (ask Europeans).  Americans are whining because it costs too much to fill up their SUVs, trucks and minivans — vehicles they don’t “need,” but selfishly “want.”

Jeers to Beyoncé — She debuts “God Bless the USA” on Piers Morgan’s show.  Gosh, is she really all that patriotic?  Or could this be image rehab after word leaked about her million-dollar show for Gaddafi?

Cheers to the blowback on Donald Trump — This pompous ass, who owes everything he’s got to a rich daddy, proves he can dish it out but wilts like a pansy when anyone pushes back.

Jeers to gay marriage — This is all about money, folks.  Gays want the same tax breaks and other advantages that hetero couples enjoy.  So do I.  But until the gay community stands up for singles — straight and gay — I have no reason to support their push for a bigger piece of the economic pie.

Cheers to The Dirty Dozen — Women who scratch their heads over that scene in Sleepless in Seattle — you know, when Tom Hanks and that other guy wax nostalgic about The Dirty Dozen — might have a clue now, thanks to the bin Laden raid.

Jeers to Charles Schwab commercials, especially the one featuring that “vineyard” jerk.  Angry white men whining like two-year-olds — just stop it.

Jeers to me, an angry white man whining like a two-year-old. 

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

The British Are Coming — Again!

I have mixed feelings about the Brits.  Nobody, and I mean nobody, gave the world better theater (Shakespeare), music (The Beatles), movies (Hitchcock), and literature (too many to mention).  But the sun has set on the empire, and the English seem to be having difficulty coping with that fact.   For example:

The Royal Wedding

I got up early on Friday to take in the pomp and circumstance.  It was worth it.  I felt like I was watching a movie — Excalibur comes to mind.  Westminster Abbey was breathtaking — and normally I use that adjective only before nouns like “female” and “buttocks.”  The music was dramatic, there was genuine tension in the air (would Prince Harry hit on Kate’s cute sister?), and it was great fun to see ancient poops like Queen Elizabeth, Prince Philip, and of course Elton John.

But the wedding was also an enormous joke.  As Jerry Seinfeld would say, this was England putting on a show, trying to convince the rest of us that these royal idiots somehow still matter.  They do not — unless you are some 18-year-old royal guardsman who foolishly called Kate “a stupid stuck-up cow” and a “posh bitch” on the Internet.

Making matters worse was CNN’s bonehead-in-chief Piers Morgan, who declared that the nuptials of His Toothiness and his Bovine Bride signaled that “the monarchy is back!”

As an American, I really shouldn’t care about any of this.  Problem is, the British were sending a message to little girls everywhere , including American girls, that it is the wedding — not the marriage — that matters most.

Harry Potter

I finally got around to watching part one of the final Harry Potter movie, and it was as sluggish and dull as I had feared.  The blame for this must go to director David Yates who, as a critic for Eclipse magazine points out, “completely sucked the magic out of this franchise.”  Since Yates took over with Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, the series has turned into a very handsome but empty experience.

The King’s Speech

It seems that a lot of folks are falling for movie-studio bullshit that this film is based “on a true story.”  That’s a load of hogwarts.  The stuttering part is accurate, but the deification of King George as played by Colin Firth is a crock of crumpets.  If you need proof, it can be found in this essay that Christopher Hitchens penned for Slate.

*****

I’ve said it before:  There is only one current comic strip that qualifies as truly funny — Tony Carrillo’s brilliant F Minus.

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