The Grouchy Editor

 

Bernie Madoff’s pants are in the news, but I’m thinking of buying an “I Love Bernie!” t-shirt because Madoff seems to be the only person in recent memory who was able to stick it to the rich the way the rich continue to stick it to the rest of us.

 

*****

 

 

Mila Kunis caught hell for stating the obvious:  Fat people just need to try harder if they want to lose weight.  When will celebrities learn that it never pays to speak the truth?

 

*****

 

 

Michele Bachmann defenders are outraged that she was asked about being a “submissive wife” at the Republican debate.  Hey, she started it.  Besides, Bachmann’s reply, in which she equated the word “respect” with “submission,” was classic bullshit.

 

*****

 

 

Liberals beware, because Fox News is tapping into a cultural niche that’s traditionally belonged to you:  televised humor.  I am referring to Red Eye’s Greg Gutfeld, who is suddenly everywhere.

But this guy, who can be quite amusing — for the uninitiated, think of him as a poor man’s Bill Maher —  drops the funny business to spew demented conservative crap in nightly “Greg-alogues.” Oh, and Louis C.K., I love your FX series, but did you really have to provide a platform for Gutfeld on your show?  At least you misspelled his name in the credits.

 

*****

 

 

Good job, Jon Stewart, exposing Megyn Kelly’s hypocrisy.  Kelly, who recently returned to Fox after taking maternity leave, believes that government benefits are out of control — unless they happen to benefit her.

 

*****

 

 

“Endless Pools”?  Oh, please.  There is nothing endless about them; they are glorified bathtubs.

 

*****

 

Headline of the Week:

 

 

© 2010-2025 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

Craig Ferguson took his show to Paris last week, and the result was brilliant television.  Ferguson is at his best with just-plain folk, and his tours of French landmarks mixed with man-on-the-boulevard interviews were refreshing.

And whoever decided to send along cute-as-a-button Kristen Bell as Craig’s sidekick deserves a promotion.  What a great team they make.  And what a shame that Ferguson, Bell, and skeletal robot Geoff have to return to the CBS studio.

 

 

Dancing at the Moulin Rouge, sliding across the floor of Versailles, chatting up the owner of Shakespeare and Company, dining with French actor Jean Reno, “dropping” expensive wine, and cutting gourmet cheese — entertaining stuff, all of it.  And educational!

 

         

 

 

*****

 

 

Sarah Rocha had a bone to pick.  Sarah who?

Sarah is a reader of Entertainment Weekly who was unhappy with a recent EW story about Daniel Craig, the film star who suffered the indignity of a media blitz for his crappy new movie, Cowboys and Aliens.  When EW’s interviewer was brazen enough to ask Craig how he felt about promoting his films, Craig growled, “I can’t do the tits-and-teeth stuff.  I’m not hardwired to do that.  I can’t sell.”

When asked about his wedding to actress Rachel Weisz, Craig snapped, “This question answers itself. …  No disrespect, but if you think it through, that’s the reason we’ve said fuck all on that subject.  Because it was private.”  When the journalist foolishly persisted, inquiring about Craig’s wedding ring, the sullen star barked, “You just see a line in the sand and want to fucking step over it.”

Sarah Rocha sent a letter to the EW editor:  “I’m sick of actors who act like jerks during interviews when personal questions come up, like Daniel Craig. … Boo-frickin’-hoo, famous people.”

 

*****

 

 

They are going to eliminate more post offices.  Makes sense to me, since e-mail has all but obliterated snail mail.  What does not make sense to me is all the sniping about the good ol’ U.S. Postal Service.

I’ve been around a long time now, both sending and receiving thousands of letters and packages, and in all my years I can recall one time — one time! — when something I mailed apparently got lost (in Puerto Rico).  As far as I’m concerned, the U.S. Postal Service has done an amazing job, so quit yer bitchin’, people!

 

*****

 

 

About the time Obama was elected president, I heard that he was reading Doris Kearns Goodwin’s book, Team of Rivals, which is about Lincoln’s admirable ability to play well with others in Washington.

I’m afraid that Obama took the book’s message too much to heart.  Some rivals will never be on your team.  Obama might be wise to head the advice of a guy who played on another team, baseball legend Leo Durocher, who famously told us:  “Nice guys finish last.”

 

© 2010-2025 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

While Web sites like The Huffington Post trumpet stories about celebrity brown-noser Piers Morgan’s possible involvement in Britain’s phone-hacking scandal, CNN seems to be hoping the issue will simply fade away.  Morgan himself pretends the scandal is beneath him, blithely booking Hollywood has-beens on his interview show, ignoring the gathering storm.

 

*****

 

 

Comedian George Lopez told Morgan that all of television’s late-night hosts dislike Jay Leno.  I suppose ratings-king Leno would chalk that up to professional envy, but I don’t like him, either.  My distaste for Leno stems from the book The Late Shift, in which he is depicted as so insecure that he hid in a closet to eavesdrop on NBC executives discussing his future at the network.

Leno is a rich, smirking phony who seems most interested in expensive cars, stealing jokes, and belittling the average Joe (and Mary).  Of course, I could be wrong.

 

*****

 

 

I understand that entrepreneurs are what make America tick, but geez, I am unhappy with companies like EZ Moves.  By creating gizmos that help women move furniture (above), open pickle jars, etc., these companies are making the male of the species irrelevant.  So stop it!

 

*****

 

 

 

People who aren’t hooked on reality shows like CBS’s Big Brother (above) don’t realize how obsessed — or crazed — some of the fans are.  Every tinkle and tooth-brushing is documented on the Internet.

Yesterday, I read this analysis of Big Brother houseguests (also known as “hamsters”), some of whom were forced to eat slop for a week:  “Tonight a lot of talk about farts.  Seems the slop causes major gas issues in the hamsters’ bellies, so the house really stinks.” 

Did someone say that reality shows aren’t real?

 

*****

 

Dog videos on YouTube can get old, but not this one, which might be the King of All Dog Videos.

 

*****

 

Tea-Baggers?  Yeah, like I’m going to place my trust in a group of people foolish enough to name themselves after men swallowing balls.

                                             

© 2010-2025 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Ugly Politicians Edition

 

But first …

Idiot of the Week:  Dr. Sanjay Gupta

 

This clown masquerading as a journalist doesn’t know whereof he speaks when it comes to headaches.  Reporting on Michele Bachmann’s migraines, Gupta told the world that migraine headaches can be “easily treated,” and then doled out bogus information about the duration and causes of these killer headaches.

Speaking as someone who suffered from migraines for ten years, let me assure Gupta that they are definitely not “easily treated.”  Nothing works — at least not for cluster migraines, the variety I was lucky enough to have.

Idiot of the Week Runner-Up:  Some clueless joker named Dr. Marc Siegel, who echoed Gupta’s bullshit:  “Migraines are very easily treatable,” Siegel said, causing me to almost suffer a relapse.

 

*****

 

 

Politicians are movie-star wannabes who are just too damn ugly for Hollywood.  They have movie-star egos but are not photogenic.  So these cosmetically challenged egotists go into politics, where the rest of us have no choice but to keep an eye on them, lest they destroy the nation. 

Only in the political world could pasty-faced, chubby Bill Clinton be described as sexy.  Only in politics could scrawny, hook-nosed Caroline Kennedy (and her mother, Jacqueline) be hailed as “glamorous.”  Michelle Obama is anointed “the new Jackie Kennedy,” but our First Lady is horse-faced and has hips as wide as Kenya.  Our charismatic current president has ears like Alfred E. Neuman’s.

As for Republicans, just two words:  Newt Gingrich.  The GOP beauty bar is so low that geeky-looking Paul Ryan is considered a “stud.”  Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann are “babes.”  Yeah, move over Angelina and Megan, these middle-aged mothers want to use your mirror.

Herewith, a gallery of hideous politicians:

 

 

Al Franken:  The picture speaks for itself.

 

 

 

The glamorous Kennedys:  Hard to say which picture is sexier, Caroline bathing in blue (see above), or mom Jackie in the buff (below).

 

 

             

 

MILF Sarah Palin.

 

 

Chris Christie will beat you up … if only he could run fast enough to catch you.

 

 

Expensive gifts from Tiffany’s?  Nah, Newt’s wife was obviously attracted to his rugged good looks.

 

 

Mitch McConnell, making John Boehner’s eyes water.

 

 

Above, Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie in an outtake from The Tourist?  Perhaps not.

 

 

Carla Bruni needn’t feel threatened.

 

 

Donald Trump:  No comment.

 

 

Henry Waxman, above, wants to ban my cigarettes.  I want to ban Henry Waxman.

 

 

Well … maybe someone Photoshopped this one.  Or maybe she is having a migraine.

 

*****

 

 

Now we know of (another) reason why rich old farts get trophy wives.  Geezers like Rupert Murdoch are too feeble to defend themselves, but their much-younger wives can sometimes throw a nasty hook.  Or was this incident staged to throw sympathy at scandal-ridden Murdoch?

 

 

 

*****

 

 

Norwegians — even their terrorists are good-looking.

 

*****

 

This column by the New York Times’s Frank Bruni is a great piece of social observation.

 

*****

 

                                               

© 2010-2025 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

     

 

Say it ain’t so!  Bad news for fans of Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum books:  Debbie Reynolds has been cast to play Grandma Mazur in the film version of One for the Money, the first novel in the series.

Nothing against Reynolds, but I’ve always pictured Grandma Mazur as a spindly, geriatric dynamo, much like “Granny” in the old Playboy cartoons (above).  Reynolds (below) looks like a well-fed, glamorous movie star — because that’s what she is.

Also, the former Mrs. Eddie Fisher annoys me.  She spends too much time on talk shows either upstaging daughter Carrie Fisher or denigrating her deceased ex, Eddie.  Not classy.

 

 

*****

 

I love Netflix.  It was great to get unlimited DVDs and streaming video for ten bucks a month.  But man … a sixty percent price increase?  That reeks of a company thinking, “We dominate the market, so we can squeeze the hell out of our customers.”

 

*****

 

 

Fox News carries on its tradition of “fair and balanced” programming by pitting one lonely liberal (Bob Beckel) against four conservatives on the new talk show, The Five.

Fox used to do this on Hannity & Colmes, booking conservative guests so that they and Hannity could gang up on Colmes.  Apparently even one liberal was one too many for that show, which eventually dumped Colmes.

I hate to admit it, but The Five’s hook-nosed Andrea Tantaros is sexy, in a bitchy, chubby-thighed sort of way.  Tantaros instills an urge in me to buy duct tape, handcuffs, and a paddle — just for play, mind you.  Co-host Greg Gutfeld is funnier on his other Fox show, Red Eye, than he is on The Five, where he comes off as a narcissistic little turd.  Bush press secretary Dana Perino does her best heartless mannequin/Stepford wife impersonation, and the fifth guy on the panel … who is he?

If The Five catches on, it will be thanks to the opposites-detract interplay of Beckel and Gutfeld.  That and the gams of whichever female is seated in the “legs chair.”

 

 

*****

 

Speaking of “fair and balanced,” Fox News has been all over the Rupert Murdoch scandal, hasn’t it?  (You too, Piers Morgan.)

 

*****

 

Just when you thought the news was all bad, something comes along to make Butt Men rejoice:

 

 

© 2010-2025 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

I didn’t pay much attention to the Casey Anthony trial until this past week, but holy hot-tubs, this courtroom drama is making the O.J. Simpson trial look like a routine episode of Judge Judy.  It’s going to make one helluva book and movie.

Winners and Losers:

No winners.  Not even Casey.  O.J. managed to avoid the wrath of an angry public after his acquittal, so Anthony should, too.  But what kind of life will she lead?  I predict one of two futures for her:  a one-way ticket to a foreign country, or more infamy in the world of porn.

 

 

Losers:  Cable’s HLN.  What an embarrassment of unprofessional, whining babies.  When the Not Guilty verdict was announced, HLN’s assortment of anchors, lawyers, and other fools reacted as if they’d been kneed in the collective crotch.  These TV “experts” did not sit on the jury, yet five minutes before the verdict they felt qualified to assure the nation that Anthony would be found guilty.  Five minutes after the verdict they assured the nation that they could explain exactly what had gone wrong.

 

   

 

Worst Offenders:  HLN’s Mike Galanos, Jane Velez-Mitchell, and Nancy (dis)Grace.  Honorable Mention goes to Fox resident egomaniac Bill O’Reilly who, after admitting to paying scant attention to the trial, stated unequivocally that he knew what really went down, and that the jury was composed of fools.

 

   

 

This is what I learned from the trial:

• Lee Anthony is the only normal member of the Anthony family; Lee Anthony sexually assaulted his sister
• Cindy Anthony committed perjury to save her daughter; Cindy Anthony was an emotionally abusive shrew to Casey
• George Anthony is a lying adulterer; George Anthony is a man of principle who was falsely accused
• Jose Baez was a grandstanding buffoon; Jose Baez pulled off a brilliant defense
• Caylee Anthony was murdered by her mother; Caylee Anthony was the victim of a tragic accident
• Judge Perry was blatantly pro-prosecution; Judge Perry ran an efficient trial under difficult circumstances

And finally, no one knows who fathered Caylee Anthony.  Is it any wonder that the jury found reasonable doubt?

 

 

             

 

*****

 

          

 

Thank goodness we have another kind of “reality TV,” the kind that actually makes sense.  I am referring, of course, to the new season of CBS’s Big Brother.  There is much suspense to be found in the fake backyard of the BB set:  What will happen if the houseguests run out of cigarettes?  Who will be the next houseguest “accidentally” caught undressing by the CBS cameras?

 

 

© 2010-2025 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

Tom Petty asked Michele Bachmann to stop using his song, “American Girl,” on the campaign trail.  Petty also requested that George Bush stop using Petty music during a Bush campaign.  Must be a tough job for whoever selects Republican campaign music, because unless you are into country, most popular music is created by liberals.

 

*****

 

 

A hidden camera caught Chris Hansen cheating on his wife.  Good.  I’m all for busting child molesters, but to me Hansen’s To Catch a Predator reeks of illegal entrapment.

 

*****

 

 

I’m tired of Kim Kardashian and her worthless family.  I mention Her Assness because as I write this, she and her dumb-jock boyfriend are just a few miles from me, attending a baseball game at Target Field, and I think I just heard thunder.  If I am wrong about that and the sound is instead Kim experiencing flatulence, then these could be the last words I ever type.

 

   

 

      

 

 

*****

 

Dickipedia — an amusing site.  It seems to be an equal-opportunity abuser.

 

 

© 2010-2025 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

The anti-smoker police are at it again, using their Big Brother bully pulpit to place revolting pictures on cigarette packages.  Fine.  I think I have a small but potentially effective way to fight back.

First, I recommend that all smokers purchase a good old-fashioned cigarette case, like the iPod model pictured above.  Second, every time you empty out one of these new, anti-constitutional packages (free speech, anyone?), leave it somewhere very public, such as on a library shelf, a restaurant table, or a park bench. 

My hunch is that if enough mothers realize that little Johnny and Susie are being exposed to the repulsive illustrations on empty packages, they will react the same way they would if the object in question was a discarded Playboy magazine — with anger.  Quite possibly, these furious mothers will make the politicians back down.

 

*****

 

 

Roger Ebert caught hell for his possibly insensitive, definitely ill-timed Twitter post about the death of Jackass star Ryan Dunn.  I thought that Ebert caved to public pressure, and so I called him out on his blog.  Much to my surprise, the Big Man actually replied to my lecture:

 

 

*****

 

 

Summertime television used to suck.  Not anymore.  The second season of Louie premiered the other night.  It was just a so-so episode, but if last year was any indication, there should be more flashes of comic brilliance on this FX series.  The second season of The Big C premieres Monday on Showtime.  Laura Linney, as a soccer mom with cancer, is a sight to behold in this comedy-drama.  And on July 13 the final year of Rescue Me kicks off, also on FX.  Last year was a sub-par season for this once-great Denis Leary series.  Let’s hope it goes out with a bang.

 

 

 

© 2010-2025 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

      

 

Beer Goggles For Her

I have mixed feelings about Gollum-like Hugh Hefner and his trophy babes.  On the one hand, every guy likes to think that he can snare a young hottie — even when he’s decrepit and wearing Depends, like Hef.  On the other hand, is there any better example of the term “gold digger” than these girls who move in with him (and eventually scram, like “runaway bride” Crystal Harris, above right)?

 

 

Beer Goggles For Him

If you were as rich, powerful, and famous as Arnold Schwarzenegger, and presumably had your pick of the litter, would you pursue carnal knowledge with housemaid Mildred Baena?  Some media blowhard, I forget who, has a theory that makes sense:  Men crave variety, and so even if you’ve enjoyed a lifetime of gorgeous women throwing themselves at you, sooner or later you want something, uh, “different.”

 

*****

 

 

This video of the Dalai Lama and an Australian reporter is hilarious.  If you haven’t seen it yet, click here.

 

*****

 

     

 

Weiner has finally been eaten, so why is David Vitter still in Congress?

Multimillionaire Mitt Romney thinks unemployment is funny.  His party, led by Wisconsin’s Paul Ryan, wants me to shrug off 30 years of payroll taxes and then watch passively as the Republicans eliminate Medicare.  Meanwhile, Romney, Ryan, and the other Rs demand more tax cuts for the rich.  God help all of us.

 

*****

 

 

I see London, I see France ….

 

© 2010-2025 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

Weinergate Throws Beltway for a Loop

Lots of people are having fun watching Anthony Weiner squirm.  I enjoy watching other politicians and media types squirm as they are forced to comment on the scandal.

 

 

Fox’s Bill O’Reilly has been visibly uncomfortable talking about Weinergate.  People might recall that, in 2004, Bill was on the no-fun end of a $60 million sexual harassment lawsuit.  His former producer, Andrea Mackris, claimed that Fox’s arbiter of good taste engaged in explicit phone fantasies with her.  According to published reports, O’Reilly wound up paying millions to Mackris.  And this guy sits in judgment of Weiner?

 

**

 

Women on cable talk shows are discussing “emotional abuse” as a legal issue. Be careful what you wish for, ladies, because once emotional abuse becomes as prevalent in the courtrooms as physical abuse, I’m guessing that there could be just as many women in our penitentiaries as men.  Possibly more.

 

 

Media talking heads keep using that tired phrase, “What was he (Weiner, above with wife Huma Abedin) thinking?”  We all know what he was thinking.  The real question should go to the talking heads:  Are you really that stupid, or do you just believe that your audience is that stupid?

 

 

MSNBC’s Chris Matthews was as uncomfortable as O’Reilly in discussing Weinergate.  Flustered and stammering as he read excerpts from Weiner’s sexting, Matthews was unintentionally hilarious.  “I guess it’s sex talk,” he surmised, looking around for corroboration.

 

**

 

 

New Michele Bachmann aide Ed Rollins created quite a stir when he accused Sarah Palin of being “not serious” politically, but I prefer this quote from Minnesota GOP strategist Sarah Janacek:  “Maybe there is only room for one articulate, good-looking conservative broad in the race.”  Good looking?  OK.  Articulate?  Well ….

 

 

The Wimp Factor:  When politicians are advised to toughen up their images, it usually backfires.  They just come off as fake (more so than usual, that is).  Al Gore suffered from the “wimp” problem, even after he famously kissed Tipper.  John Kerry had the problem, even though he is a war vet.  And Tim Pawlenty has it now.  O’Reilly and Donald Trump have been advising Tiny Tim to get more aggressive, but if he takes their advice, he’ll just come off as a phony.

 

*****

 

Reese Witherspoon, speaking at the MTV Movie Awards, was correct when she told American lasses, “It’s totally possible to be a good girl.”  But then she added, “And if you took naked pictures of yourself on your cell phone, you hide your face, people!  Hide your face!”  Gosh, Reese, most women don’t have access to Hollywood makeup artists to gussy up their nude shots, like you did in this scene from 1998’s Twilight.

 

 

© 2010-2025 grouchyeditor.com (text only)