The Grouchy Editor

I am of two minds whenever Rick Santorum’s daughter, Elizabeth, stands beside the candidate on a stage.  Part of me thinks, “Awww — how sweet.  She looks like a nice girl, and she’s supporting her father.”  The other part of me thinks, “My eyes! My eyes! God, someone hand me the remote before I go blind!”

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Now that Dennis Kucinich’s congressional career is over, the 65-year-old Democrat will have more time to spend with his granddaughter, 34-year-old Elizabeth.  They’ll be able to share olive sandwiches while grandpa helps Elizabeth with her homework.

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Entertainment Weekly dedicates this week’s cover to design director Amid Capeci, who recently died after a battle with cancer.  The cover depicts Mad Men’s Don Draper — smoking a cigarette. 

No comment.

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There are three good reasons to watch Saturday Night Live:  Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader (above), and the “Weekend Update.”  Everything else suffers from lousy writing and a subpar cast.

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Remember the ad that Hillary Clinton used during her presidential campaign — “It’s 3 a.m. … who do you want answering the phone?”  This is Newt Gingrich dozing off last week during a speech by Defense Secretary Leon Panetta.  Evidently, it might be a bad idea to call Newt at 3 a.m., or 3 p.m., or 10 a.m., or 10 p.m., or ….

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This is why the cameramen for CBS’ Survivor love their jobs:

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I was watching Wheel of Fortune and I decided that we’ll be lucky if aliens from another world never see this show.  If I was Mork from Ork and sat down to watch this crap, I would conclude that Earthlings are certifiably insane.

Wheel has a host who makes idiotic chit-chat with strangers and repeats things like “R, S, T, L, N, E” and “Would you like to buy a vowel?”  Then there is his co-host, who smiles vapidly and turns letters on a board.  Both of them, compared to their fellow Earthlings, are fabulously wealthy.  Meanwhile, ordinary Earthlings who are lucky enough to be on the show fawn over their hosts and jump up and down, squealing like castrated hogs whenever their names are called.

If you were Mork from Ork, would you want to make contact with these Earthlings?  I don’t believe so.  I believe you’d consider blowing up the planet.

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Oscar Musings

Emcee Billy Crystal:  hokey, corny, boring

Angelina Jolie’s Leg:  more weird than sexy

Biggest Oscar Crime:  snubbing the final Harry Potter film (and the entire series, actually)

Saddest Attention Grabs:  a tie between Sacha Baron Cohen’s lame “accident” with Ryan Seacrest, and poor, pathetic Sean Young’s post-ceremony arrest

OK, so no one will see The Artist, and television ratings plummet when films like it win Best Picture.  I still think that’s better than awarding the top Oscar to populist junk like Titanic.

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I don’t say this often, but I couldn’t agree more with two of the panelists on Fox’s The Five.  Bob Beckel and Greg Gutfeld on Monday went after the idiots in Rocklin, California, who are considering a ban on smoking in citizens’ … own yards!  Beckel and Gutfeld also belittled the “studies” we see regarding the alleged dangers of second-hand smoke, labeling them a sham.  It’s this kind of enlightened commentary that keeps me tuned to Fox — at least occasionally.

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Sometimes it’s hard to pick sides.  I don’t much care for Sandra Fluke, the law student who comes off as an entitled whiner seeking government freebies.  I don’t much care for Rush Limbaugh who is, as we all know, a big fat idiot.  And I suspect that President Obama’s phone call to Fluke was a political ploy designed to appeal to female voters.

Everyone just needs to stop having sex, and then this issue will go away.

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Cable News Irony of the Week:

MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow explained, for Limbaugh’s benefit, how birth control works.  Wait … Rachel Maddow knows about birth control?

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Asshole of the Week:  Judge Mark Martin

Pennsylvania Judge Mark Martin has no interest in the Constitution or free speech.

Martin, displaying an appalling lack of knowledge about his own country and its laws, dismissed an assault case against an Islamic idiot who attacked a man dressed up as “Muhammad zombie” for a Halloween parade.  “I think our forefathers intended to use the First Amendment so we can speak with our mind, not to piss off other people and cultures — which is what you did,” Martin told the man who was attacked.

So, according to this judicial font of wisdom, the next time you “piss off” someone with your words, he or she will be fully justified in assaulting you.

Martin has pissed off me and many others, so I assume we can now assault him with impunity — as long as the resulting case winds up in this fool’s own court.

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Some wiseass couldn’t resist commenting when news broke about the death of Monkee Davy Jones:

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Watching Bill O’Reilly struggle on Saturday Night Live, I was reminded of how much we 1) take professional actors and comics for granted, and 2) should discourage other people — politicians, athletes, and journalists, mostly — from accepting “acting” roles, no matter how small the part.

O’Reilly was stiff and self-conscious on SNL (above, hiding behind an elbow).  But I don’t think anyone will ever surpass Brett Favre’s wooden performance in There’s Something About Mary (below).

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Oscar Predictions:

Unlike last year, I haven’t seen a lot of this year’s nominees.  That’s my excuse if the following picks are wrong.  Nevertheless, this is what I gather from Hollywood scuttlebutt:

Best Picture, Director, and Actor will all go to The Artist.  Actress — Viola Davis.  Supporting Actor — Christopher Plummer.  Supporting Actress — Octavia Spencer.

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Survivor’s new season began last week, and that’s no longer a big deal.  But I don’t think that this venerable time-waster of a show gets enough credit (or blame) for its influence on the television landscape.  Yeah, yeah, I know that MTV’s The Real World was the first American “reality series.”  But nobody watched The Real World.  And yes, American Idol dominated ratings for the past decade.  But Idol is really nothing new; it’s just an update of old variety shows like Star Search.

But 12 years ago, wow.  Survivor’s first season finale attracted a whopping 58 million viewers.  The show was on the cover of Time magazine.  Richard Hatch (above) was a household name.  So hats off to you, Survivor.

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The Grouch was bored and so he created a blog featuring his odd short stories.  If you’d like to read these twisted tales, drop him a line at grouch@grouchyeditor.com. 

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Quote of the Week:

Reporter to Clint Eastwood:  “Mr. Eastwood, who’s your favorite president of all time?”

Eastwood:  “You mean in our lifetime?”

Geez, Clint, not all of us have been around since the 18th century.

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Who is Jeremy Lin?  According to the editor of Entertainment Weekly, “The mass affection for Lin — a Taiwanese-American national treasure — says something good about us.”

Who is Jeremy Lin?  He’s a rich basketball pro who played well for a couple of weeks.  His New York team is below average and has a losing record.  Lin is not likely the second coming of Michael Jordan.

But if you are looking for evidence of an East Coast bias in the news media, look no further than these clowns proclaiming to the rest of us that a slightly above-average basketball player who just happens to play in New York is someone’s idea of a “national treasure.”

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This Finnish dude who was caught staring at Princess Mary of Denmark, or part of Princess Mary — can we really blame him?  I’d never heard of this woman, but now we have Google and so here is a royal picture of royal Mary at the beach:

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 Finally, some well-deserved recognition.

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Liberal Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer, above, was robbed at knifepoint last week while on vacation in the Caribbean.  It put me in mind of the adage that a conservative is a former liberal who’s been mugged.  Could this incident spell trouble for the liberals?

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Cable news conspired to ruin my Valentine’s Day by endlessly replaying clips of Newt Gingrich being wink-wink coy about his plans for the special day with his beloved Callista.  “All I can promise you is that I believe she will be quite happy tomorrow night,” Newt said at a fundraiser.  “But I’m not going to get into — no more details!” 

Thank you, cable news, for the mental image.

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I see way too many commercials.  I’m sure that you do, too.  The vast majority of these ads suck eggs, but once in awhile I’m surprised by a good one, like GEICO’s ad in which an older guy hires three middle-school girls to nag him about his eating habits. 

But then the commercial runs again.  And again.  And again and again and again and again ….  I don’t like it anymore.

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Why all the glorification of Whitney Houston?  From what I can tell, she was a drunk, a druggie, and a promiscuous party animal who wasted her talent.  And she was a role model for American girls?

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Andrea Mitchell is rapidly becoming my go-to-gal for comic relief on cable news.  Mitchell amuses me with her Pollyanna reactions to current events.  Last week, Andrea was “shocked” by revelations about infamous horn-dog JFK’s sexual proclivities.  This week, Christian conservative Foster Friess told Mitchell, “You know, back in my days, they used Bayer aspirin for contraception.  The gals put it between their knees, and it wasn’t that costly.”

Replied my favorite comedienne:  “Excuse me.  I’m just trying to catch my breath from that, Mr. Friess, frankly.  Let’s change the subject.”

Good stuff.  I guess it shouldn’t be surprising that Andrea has such a great sense of humor.  After all, she is married to that well-known joker, Alan Greenspan.

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Season two of Downton Abbey is concluding, which is sad news for some of us.  Jessica Brown-Findlay, who plays prim-and-proper Lady Sybil, has had enough of prim and proper.  Says Jessica about the difference between Sybil and her character (below) in the new film, Albatross:  “I don’t mind giving everyone a shock.  I have to admit it gives me a thrill to be able to deliver someone who is such a contrast.”  Can’t argue with that.

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In the third quarter of Sunday’s Super Bowl, NBC’s Al Michaels brushed back a tear (presumably) and informed viewers that the Patriots wanted to win the big game for team owners the Kraft family.  It was a touching moment.  Never mind New England fans; the Pats wanted to win for their multi-millionaire owners.

Earlier, New England quarterback Tom Brady had this to say about Myra Hiatt Kraft, who recently died:  “She is a woman who has been smiling down on us over the course of this season.”

I guess Mrs. Kraft decided not to smile down on the Pats during the Super Bowl and instead switched channels to Downton Abbey.  Meanwhile, Brady’s genteel wife, the supermodel Gisele Bundchen, wasn’t smiling either.  Gisele did urge fucking fans to fucking pray for the fucking Patriots.

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Speaking of Downton Abbey, is it possible that the series is already jumping the shark?  Plot developments in the show’s second season have been worrisome.  One episode threatened to turn into a World War I version of Glee, with cast members gathered round a piano and breaking into song.  And there were not one, but two tear-jerking bedside vigils for wounded soldiers.

When Saturday Night Live decides it’s time to lampoon your show, which it did to Downton last week, it could signal the beginning of the end.

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MSNBC’s Andrea Mitchell was “shocked” by revelations about JFK’s salacious, teen-intern-banging ways.  Shocked?  Where has Mitchell been for the past, oh, 50 years? 

But I do feel bad for Andrea’s co-worker, Chris Matthews, who must have lost one of the thrills on his leg when, once again, his presidential idol was exposed as a creepy pervert.

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No surprise that viewers are abandoning network television.  Judging by the abysmal pilots, NBC’s Smash (above) and ABC’s The River (below) are both crap.

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Whenever the curtain falls on some Tinsel Town legend, headlines lament the end of Hollywood’s golden age.  This was the case when Liz Taylor died, and again last week when some other acting coot — I forget who — bit the dust.  But these declarations about the end of Hollywood golden-agers must come as a surprise to still-breathing icons like Kirk Douglas (95), Olivia de Havilland (95), Mickey Rooney (91), and Joan Fontaine (94) — among others.

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Quote of the Week:

“What happens when a film becomes this huge, massive hit and you’re all starting to think you may win an Oscar?”

— CNN’s Piers Morgan, above, to the cast of The Artist when the stars appeared on his show.  The Artist, which has been in theaters for months, recently crawled past the $20 million mark at the box office — a mere pittance by Hollywood standards.

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An FBI report on Steve Jobs includes some dirt about the much-admired genius, stemming from the 1970s when Jobs was “experimenting with marijuana and LSD.”  I guess that when you are a big shot, you don’t “do drugs” or even “take drugs.”  No, you “experiment” with drugs, as if Jobs got high while clad in a white lab coat and taking notes in a university classroom.

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Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta has been in the news.  Why, when I see Panetta, am I reminded of the late, great Ed Wynn?

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I was thumbing through Entertainment Weekly when a picture on page 32 caught my eye.  “Hmmm,” I thought, “I wonder why this photo of pop star Rihanna catches my eye.”  Rihanna looked fetching in fishnet stockings as she performed on stage, but then a lot of celebrities have nice-looking legs — even some female celebrities.  So why was I struck by this particular picture?  Somehow, it seemed familiar.

I did some detective work.  And this is what I found in my recent issues of Entertainment Weekly:

Nov. 25:  three pictures of Rihanna in a sexy bikini-thingy and fishnet stockings, featured in the “Must List.”  On page 68, Rihanna in shorts and fishnet stockings.

Dec. 16:  picture of Rihanna in a leotard and fishnet stockings

Dec. 23:  Rihanna in the bikini-thingy and fishnets again.  And again on page 120.

Jan. 27:  Rihanna in fishnets

Feb. 3:  Rihanna in fishnets

Someone at Entertainment Weekly really, really likes Rihanna.  Or fishnet stockings.

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They say that fashion trends begin in Europe.  I’m still waiting for this “topless women protestors” look to catch on over here.

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The Super Bowl is tomorrow.  For the first time in my adult life, I am seriously considering skipping it.  I might just watch the latest episode of Downton Abbey, instead … aw, who am I kidding?

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Someone at Urban Financial Group thought it was a good idea to have actor Robert Wagner sell “security” to Americans while standing beside a large body of water.  No comment.

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The Oscars are an annual joke — but an entertaining joke.  Every year, through sheer luck, the academy manages to nominate some worthy contenders.  But mostly it’s a popularity contest worth watching only to giggle at celebrities who are dressed up, nervous, and wearing pasted-on smiles.

Can you tell that I am bitter that Melancholia was shut out of the nominations?

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CNN’s Erin Burnett has a tendency to speak first, think later.  This can be irritating to watch, but at times it’s refreshing, as when Burnett told lawyer Marc Bern that his attempt to rake in $450 million in punitive damages for six passengers on the ill-fated Carnival cruise ship is “obscene,” and the kind of lawsuit that calls for tort reform.

Burnett was right.  I’m sorry that you fell off a ship and had to be rescued, but that should not entitle you to live like Bill Gates for the rest of your life.

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It was a downer to witness the media devour one of its own — CNN’s John King — after Newt Gingrich used King to deflect attention from his own political problems during last week’s Republican debate.  King asked a relevant question (about Gingrich’s former marriage) on a topic that was in the headlines.  Blowhard Newt then feigned “outrage” at King’s temerity.  Worse, the media, including King’s colleagues at CNN, then smelled blood and ratings and failed to defend him.

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I’m guessing that this ad will not be used as a recruiting tool by America’s creative writing classes:

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Such a pretty girl.  I wonder who she is.

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Golden Globes Musings

Host Ricky Gervais was too tame.  He lied when he said he would continue last year’s hilarious smackdown of Hollywood’s snobbish elite.

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Johnny Depp’s fake voice is grating.  I don’t recall him having that affected accent back in his Private Resort days.

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Jodie Foster was a good sport during Gervais’s Beaver jokes.  Too many actors take themselves way too seriously.  For proof of that, just listen to almost any actor’s commentary on DVD extras.

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Asshole of the Week:  Michael Roizen

Dr. Michael Roizen of the Cleveland Clinic, speaking on CNN:  “The thing that we can do most to improve job competitiveness, to lower the budget deficit, is to ban smoking among state workers or ban smoking — not hire — federal workers who smoke.  That single thing would do the most to make America more competitive for jobs.”

What an obnoxious prick.  Ban smoking and you’ll lose millions of tax dollars, Roizen.  And since when is some doctor in Cleveland the go-to-guy for economic policy?  If you are so concerned about “competitiveness,” then you’d better also promote job discrimination against people who drink, and people who are fat.  Of course if you do that, in no time at all you won’t have anyone left to hire.

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Jon Huntsman “suspends” his candidacy.  Herman Cain “suspends” his candidacy.  Rick Perry “suspends” his candidacy.  The suspends is killing me.  This is why people hate politicians.  They refuse to use plain English, even when they simply quit.

But it was a great week in politics, watching all of those Republicans implode.  It was especially gratifying to watch Mitt Romney squirm as he tried  to tell ordinary Americans why they should vote for Richie Rich.

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We keep hearing about “saving the women and children” on that capsized cruise ship in Italy.  Are we back in 1912, talking about the Titanic?  Save the children, sure, but why the women?  Does equality of the sexes only apply when it works in the woman’s favor?

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Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton announced that, as part of his efforts to encourage diversity in the workplace, surgeons have successfully completed the first head-of-state transplant. Dayton’s head will share executive decision-making with this Asian man’s head.

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The Huffington Post on Friday forgot to add captions to these pictures, so we took the liberty.

                  Before                                             After

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Lake Superior State University came up with a list of words and terms that it believes should be banished from the English language.  Nice list, but I would add two more:

“Indie Darling” — I was reading Entertainment Weekly and, on page 12, I noticed an item about “Indie-rock darling Carrie Brownstein.”  In the same issue on page 80, there was a piece about “indie-cinema darling” Parker Posey.  So I did what anyone with too much time on his hands would do, I Googled “indie darling” and another annoying term that pops up everywhere, “(fill-in-the-blank) porn.”

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“Imagine if you flicked on your television and found that the government had cancelled American Idol, 30 Rock, The Office, and Dancing with the Stars.” — CNN’s Fareed Zakaria, commenting on government censorship in China.  Next time, Fareed, could you please pick shows that don’t deserve to be censored?

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Until this week, I’d never heard of CNN correspondent Alison Kosik.  But on Wednesday I listened as this (presumably) highly paid TV reporter told unemployed Americans that temp jobs are “not that bad.”  Then I read that in October Kosik had mocked the Occupy Wall Street folk.  And I see that she advocates the use of job-killing self-checkout lanes in grocery stores.  So now I know more about Alison Kosik.  She is a jerk.

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Runaway:  I love this film.  It’s nine minutes of goofy greatness.  Watch it by clicking here, and thank me later.

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Stephen Colbert is “running for president.”  Ha ha.  This guy has never struck me as funny.  He is a one-joke act, and I tire of that act after about 15 seconds.  Colbert gets a lot of media attention because of his proximity to Jon Stewart and because he jokes about politics.  But that don’t make him funny, do it?

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I’ve been wondering whatever became of the male stars of Dawson’s Creek.  Turns out that Joshua Jackson, who played Pacey Witter, has been getting up to all sorts of mischief in Latin America.  Just in case you weren’t a Dawson fan, here are a few pictures of Joshua, Hollywood-style (top row), and Joshua, Peruvian-style (bottom row).

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For some unfathomable reason, there are people interested in the fact that Beyoncé and her husband, Jay-Z, are new parents.  Their baby girl is named Blue, but I’ve been unable to discover her surname.  In fact, I’ve been unable to discover her parents’ surnames.  So I guess I will just call them the blacks and Blue.

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Please forgive today’s abbreviated edition of the “Weekly Review.”  Grouchy has been a bit preoccupied of late.  During a recent excursion in cyberspace, he happened upon what might be — hold on — the girl of his dreams.

She’s a lovely lass:  a dog-loving beauty queen, whiling away her days in the Florida sunshine and, no doubt, captivating every man that she meets.

The Grouch does not yet know the name of this vision of loveliness (her initials, she teases, are C.A.), but he did manage to grab a screen capture or two of her, and he feels certain that once you gaze upon her sweet visage you will agree with him:  She is every man’s fantasy girl.

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