The Grouchy Editor

 

 

 

The New York Post busted Hollywood stars who didn’t get the e-mail about California’s drought.

Lesson: You can’t fine big shots and expect them to change their behavior. You can’t fine Tom Brady and expect him to stop cheating. You can’t fine Barbra Streisand and expect her to stop watering. And you can’t fine Big Business when it screws the consumer. Fines are chump change to them. You have to try something else, like suspensions, shaming, or jail.

 

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Speaking of non-forthcoming celebrities, George Clooney showed up to help David Letterman celebrate his last week on CBS. Disappointingly, newlywed George did not share with us what it’s like to have amal sex.

 

 

 

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

I Don’t Know What The Hell These Shows Are:

 

When I was 10 years old, NBC canceled The Man from U.N.C.L.E. This so upset me that I wrote a letter to the network, pleading with The Powers That Be (T.P.T.B.) to reconsider and resurrect my favorite playboy spies, Napoleon Solo and Illya Kuryakin. NBC, bless its heart, actually wrote back to me. Sadly, their message was basically, “tough luck, kid.”

Times have changed. The networks announced a slew of cancellations this week and … yawn. Either I haven’t watched these shows, or I have and they suck.

 

I Don’t Know Who The Hell These People Are:

 

I check in with TMZ periodically because it’s my job to keep up with celebrity gossip. Somebody has to do it. But … these people are celebrities? Second-rate rappers and reality-TV stars?

Times have changed. Either that or I’m just too damn old and need a nap … yawn.

 

*****

 

“Make no mistake.”

 

– Politicians, please stop saying this. Hillary used this expression last week. I’ve heard Obama use it, and I’ve heard Republicans use it. Stop it. It reminds everyone of Bush, who used to say it all the time. You don’t want to remind people of Bush.

 

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Well, this happened:

 

 

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© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

Scratch That – The Week (Not) in Review

 

Sometimes we write entries for this page and then events conspire to make what we’ve written a load of crap. So we have to scratch those entries. For example …

 

What we wrote:

I’m warming to Inside Amy Schumer, which is the TV-show equivalent of someone farting in an elevator:  vulgar and juvenile, but also very funny.

 

Scratch that:

I just watched the most recent episode of Inside Amy Schumer, and although it wasn’t overly vulgar, it also wasn’t very funny.

 

 

What we wrote:

This Orioles-White Sox game without fans was no big deal to the Minnesota Twins, who often play in empty stadiums.

 

Scratch that:

We wrote that on Wednesday.  Since then, every Tom, Dick and Harry with an Internet connection has cracked the same joke about whatever lame team they happen to follow.

 

 

 

What we wrote:

Once upon a time, journalists at least pretended to be objective about the powerful people they cover, rather than tweet like giggly schoolgirls at a One Direction concert.

 

Uh, no need to scratch this one.

 

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Quote of the Week:

 

“He literally flew to Belgium to find wood for our kitchen, and he flew to Fiji once to get fabric. Like, he’ll fly all over the world just to find the best furniture, fabrics, architects. He’s really, really into it.”

— Kim Kardashian telling Jimmy Kimmel about her husband’s house-decorating obsession.  Nice to know that, on top of their other contributions to society, Kim and Kanye are being careful to leave a small carbon footprint.

 

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Pearls of Twitter Wisdom:

 

 

 

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Funny lady Kristen Wiig, 40, walks buck naked through a crowded casino (above) in her new film, Welcome to Me. Could be a good career move by Kristen. When funny lady Mary Steenburgen walked buck naked through a crowded bar (below) in Melvin and Howard, she won an Oscar.

 

 

On the other hand, when funny lady Sarah Silverman, 40, took a buck naked shower (below right) in Take This Waltz …. no Oscars. Just a lot of horny males.

 

 

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

Please don’t burden me with facts.  I prefer to pillory people on the basis of first impressions and preconceived notions.  Because, you know, sometimes first impressions and preconceived notions are spot-on.  Therefore …

 

Dr. Oz – GUILTY!

 

 

Nobody’s stifling your “free speech,” you charlatan. They’re simply calling you out as a quack. Plus, you remind me of another egotistical loudmouth, Quentin Tarantino.

 

 

Ben Affleck – GUILTY!

 

 

You could have simply apologized for using your “star power” to intimidate PBS into censoring its show, but instead you took to Facebook to lecture the rest of us about race relations in America. So clueless. So arrogant.

 

 

PBS – GUILTY!

 

 

If you hope to preserve a shred of credibility … heads must roll.

 

 

Cops – GUILTY!

 

 

Too many thugs, too many Barney Fifes.

 

 

Oprah – GUILTY!

 

 

Stop foisting clowns like Mehmet Oz and Phil McGraw on the public.

 

 

Britt McHenry – GUILTY!

 

 

Used to be a pretty face and a college degree were all a girl needed to succeed.  Wait … they do still work at Fox News.

 

 

Liberals’ Mansions – GUILTY!

 

 

I can’t take Earth Day seriously until Al Gore and Michael Moore move out of their energy-gobbling mansions.

 

 

Double Standards – GUILTY!

 

 

Hope you don’t plan on getting a sex change, ’cause they might change their minds and throw you into the clinker.

 

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The most shocking revelation from ABC’s Bruce Jenner interview? It wasn’t Jenner’s transgender announcement, nor was it his confession that he’s a Republican. No, the real mind-blower was that, after living for years with those awful Kardashian women, Jenner still wants to be female.

 

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

I’m not sure that life in prison will be an effective punishment for convicted killer Aaron Hernandez. After all, he’s a jock who’s spent much of his adult life showering with other men. Won’t prison just be more of the same?

 

*****

 

 

Quote of the Week:

 

“The captain said that we’re turning around. And then he re-announced, ‘Don’t panic,’ which made everyone panic.”

— Alaska Airlines passenger Lexi Graf, above, describing the mood in the cabin after a baggage handler who fell asleep in the plane’s cargo hold woke up and began calling for help.

 

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From Monday’s Huffington Post:

 

 

Also from Monday’s Huffington Post:

 

 

Perhaps it should be open season on lazy headline writers.

 

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

TV Update:

 

I’m only halfway through its 12-episode first season, but I am digging Fortitude on Pivot.

I said, “Fortitude on Pivot.” Fortitude:  the name of the series.  Pivot: the name of the channel it’s on. You’re welcome.

It’s television of the weird, what we might have gotten if David Lynch had directed The Thing. It’s odd, but it’s also atmospheric as hell, set at an isolated island-community in the middle of the Arctic Ocean, situated at the foot of an ominous glacier that never stops moaning and groaning.

 

**

 

Don’t know how much longer I can keep watching Outlander, which is morphing into Fifty Shades of Grey (Kilts):

 

 

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Question on Red Eye:  “Joanne, how do you like your weenies?”

Joanne’s answer:  “Small.”

 

 

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Pop Quiz:

 

In the pictures below, which is the character “Romero” from Escape from New York, and which is legendary actress Lucille Ball?

 

          

 

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

 

How to Move to America and Win Over Americans:

 

Wander through an L.A. neighborhood with a CBS camera crew in tow, knock on doors until you find a willing participant, and then film your entire show from … Tommy’s house.  Jeff Goldblum and Beck show up, and then you all play hide-and-seek in the messy house.  Oh, and also bring along a big snake.

 

 

 

 

How to Move to America and Immediately Piss Off Two-Thirds of Your Audience:

 

 

 

 

Like most people, I hadn’t heard of Trevor Noah (below) when Comedy Central tagged him to host The Daily Show.  So I watched his stand-up routine on Netflix.  The guy is whip-smart and provocative.  That’s a good thing.  He’s also a professional comic who doesn’t know how to use Twitter. That’s a bad thing.

As for Noah’s fellow comics who leaped to his defense when all hell broke loose over his tweets (above), including Patton Oswalt and Jim Norton … they can dish it, but apparently they can’t take it.  Aren’t stand-up comedians supposed to have thick skin?

 

 

 

 

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From The Huffington Post:

 

 

Oh yeah, if that doesn’t get her to change her mind, nothing will.

 

 

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© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I don’t understand what it is about late-night comics that compels them, once they get a new show or time slot, to celebrate by baring their butts.  Jimmy Fallon gets The Tonight Show and treats the world to a picture of his ass.  Jimmy Kimmel gets an earlier time slot and accompanies the big news with a peek at his plumber’s butt.   And now this from James Corden:

 

 

As for Corden’s debut on CBS, critics are describing the British host as “adorable,” “cute,” and “pleasant.”  Teddy bears are adorable, cute, and pleasant.  They are also what you give to children to put them to sleep at night – not sure that’s the effect CBS is going for.

 

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I keep watching great short series that become mediocre long series.  Showrunners take a tight, compelling drama and water it down, pad it out, and reduce A-quality shows to B-quality shows.  Latest examples: The Fall and Bloodline (above), both on Netflix.  If you’ve told the tale in five or six or eight episodes, just end it, please.

 

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

 

“Did you know Richard Gere’s middle name is Tiffany?” – a character on the sitcom Schitt’s Creek

 

I didn’t know that, but apparently it’s true.  Poor Richard Gere.   As if that whole hamster … er, gerbil thing wasn’t enough.

 

 

 

 

By the way, Schitt’s Creek is actually a pretty good show — if you can find it.

 

 

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I understand why Brooke was excited and took to Twitter.  It must be an exhilarating feeling for a CNN anchor to actually have an audience.

 

 

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In light of Benjamin Netanyahu’s big win in Israel, we wanted to reserve some space in “The Weekly Review,” just in case we thought of something nice to say about him:

 

 

 

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In light of Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz’s courageous stand against racism by forcing his company’s low-wage employees to dig out their sociology degrees and engage grumpy customers in race-related conversations, we also wanted to reserve some space, just in case we thought of something nice to say about him:

 

 

 

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

 

TV Update

 

 

Shows I like  …  kind of,  sort of,  just a little bit: 

 

Bates Motel, The Last Man on Earth

 

 

My interest is waning:

 

House of Cards.   It’s still a good show, but the Evil Underwoods factor is beginning to wear a bit thin.

 

 

Good show, but I am not in the target audience:

 

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.  Star Ellie Kemper is amusing, but I don’t find jokes about expensive shoes particularly funny – yet I realize that a lot of people do.  Kimmy seems aimed at the folks who keep up with Kardashians, consume whatever’s on E!, and subscribe to Star magazine.

 

I’m hooked: 

 

Better Call Saul.  It might not be Breaking Bad, but then again, what is?

 

*****

 

         

 

“And did you know she was my former babysitter?” – Gretchen Carlson, referring to Michele Bachmann.  That might explain a thing or two.  The Grouch, who is from Minnesota, wonders why all of these right-wing crazy women seem to come from Minnesota.

 

**

 

“These are sick, sick people, indeed, destroying these historic artifacts in these ancient cities some 3,000 years old.” – Wolf Blitzer, referring to ISIS trashing museums and precious art.  Silly me.  At first,  I thought Wolf was referring to the American idiots who carved their initials into the Roman Coliseum.

 

**

 

“Bacon and guns – like a dream come true for me.” – Kimberly Guilfoyle on The Five.  That’s pretty much all you need to know about Kimberly Guilfoyle.

 

*****

 

From The Huffington Post:

 

 

From The Huffington Post, one hour later:

 

 

I prefer the first headline, don’t you?

 

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)