The Grouchy Editor

Politics!

I look at the picture above and I hear: “Just hand me the damn crown already so I can stop mingling with the riffraff. Let the little people eat pork chops on a stick!”

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“I have said I am open to exploring ways to looking at people that are deliberately coming here for purposes of having a child.” – Marco Rubio, above, discussing “anchor babies” on Bill O’Reilly’s show.

“Open to exploring ways” – with bold, principled proposals like that, is it any wonder that voters are flocking to the guy who wants to build a fence?

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I was channel surfing during The Donald’s Alabama speech, but I had to stop watching MSNBC’s coverage, which kept interrupting Trump mid-speech whenever Poindexter, above, disagreed with something Trump said. I guess MSNBC wanted us to watch Trump’s speech (ratings), but not listen to what he had to say (blasphemy).

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If I hear Trump describe Bush (resting above) as “low energy” one more time, I’m going to start picturing Bush this way:

Or this way:

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TV Update

I’ve only seen the premiere episode, but Amazon’s romantic comedy Catastrophe (above) was anything but. I might have to subscribe to Amazon Instant Video just to watch the rest of this series and also because …

It might be time to dump Netflix.

Netflix’s Wet Hot American Summer (above) has a 91 percent “fresh” rating from the nation’s TV critics on Rotten Tomatoes. Having suffered through three episodes of this lame, juvenile series, I’ve lost all respect for 91 percent of the nation’s TV critics — and for Netflix.

Rectify just concluded its third season on SundanceTV. Rectify gets abysmal ratings. No one watches it. But if there is one show I’d recommend to a hungry binge-watcher, it’s Rectify.

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When I was a kid, I was hooked on Creepy magazine, which featured the most morbid-looking adults imaginable. Below, four Creepy characters and one NFL quarterback. Can you spot Tom Brady?

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LOL!

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I thought MAD magazine stopped being funny decades ago – or when I finally grew up, whichever came first – but this new cover is awesome.

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Normally, I can’t watch MSNBC’s Chris Matthews without holding an umbrella, due to the voluminous spittle he ejects, but I thought Matthews did a great job summing up Donald Trump’s appeal at the end of his Tuesday show (41-minute mark).

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Gee, I wonder how The Huffington Post really feels about Trump?

And gosh, I wonder how The Donald really feels about the pundits?

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Thought I would check out Bing’s language translator:

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Every father’s nightmare: Your little girl grows up and wants to play football, like Arizona coach Jen Welter, number 47 above … and then some hulking defensive end sees the opportunity to vise-squeeze her ass.

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I’m sorry, Jimmy, but your crying jag over this was downright embarrassing.

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Let me say a few negative things about the soon-to-depart Jon Stewart. I’m Negative Nancy not because I disagree with Stewart’s politics (mostly, I agree with him), but because I’ve never found him especially amusing, and I think his influence, though substantial, is mostly confined to the Beltway.

In 2004, I knew next to nothing about Stewart, and so I bought his book, Naked Pictures of Famous People. Here are excerpts from my review: “Unlike contemporaries Dennis Miller and Bill Maher, Stewart’s brand of humor just doesn’t seem to translate well to the printed page. The humor all too often falls flat … the essays … seem more like childish temper tantrums than genuine displays of wit.”

Presumably, Stewart wrote his own book. Presumably, he has a team of writers at Comedy Central. Even so, The Daily Show has never had impressive ratings. Politicians and media types dig it because politicians and media types enjoy watching themselves on TV – even if what they hear is negative.

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I’m confused — is this something that we should be alarmed about?

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Want to work for Fox News? Follow Jedediah Bila’s example and put pictures like these on your application.

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Fox News bimbo Julie Banderas (below) ran a video clip of ducks crossing a busy freeway in “Mindianapolis.” I guess the story was supposed to be cute, but let me tell you, as a resident of Mindianapolis, I can testify that these ducks, much like Donald (Duck, not Trump), are often ill-tempered, nasty little buggers. If I’d been on that freeway, I might have been tempted to make duck soup.

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If Rosie O’Donnell pokes holes in Donald Trump’s presidential balloon, would that be considered fat shaming?

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Three weeks ago I complained about the lack of skin on this year’s Big Brother. Looks as though some of the houseguests heard me:

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The Huffington Post has decided that Donald Trump’s presidential campaign is not real, and so it will cover Trump’s exploits in its entertainment section, rather than in its politics section. Makes sense to me, given that The Huffington Post is not really a news site, but rather an entertainment site.

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Whenever I find myself watching baseball, I think about sex so that I can take my mind off the game.

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“Immigration Reform” – What the hell does that even mean? Some people seem to think it means “amnesty,” while others seem to think it means “build a fence.”

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Fox News sent Geraldo Rivera into a dark, dank, secret criminal’s lair in Mexico, but Geraldo failed to find anything of much interest. Kind of like 1986, when Geraldo entered a dark, dank, secret criminal’s lair (Al Capone’s vault, below) and failed to find anything of much interest.

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Taking a page from Ben Affleck and his holier-than-thou reaction to his PBS screw-up, pop star Ariana Grande got busted for misbehaving and then responded to Internet outrage by lecturing her fans about obesity:

“As an advocate for healthy eating, food is very important to me and I sometimes get upset by how freely we as Americans eat and consume things without giving any thought to the consequences that it has on our health and society.” – Grande’s “apology”

OK, but what about the health of the poor schmuck who bought and then ate the donuts contaminated with your germs and dried saliva?

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I’m trying to imagine the uproar from feminists if the roles were reversed in the annoying UnitedHealthcare commercial pictured above. The woman talks to her hapless husband as if he were a small child with learning disabilities.

Simple-Minded Husband:  “I took the trash out.”

Condescending Wife:  “I know, and thank you so much for that.”

Condescending Wife:  “You do your pushups today?”

Simple-Minded Husband:  “No, I watched cartoons instead.”

Just kidding on that last response.  But I’m surprised she doesn’t ask him if he remembered to wipe after going number two.

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I can’t wait to read the truly life-affirming autobiography by Fox’s Gretchen Carlson, who overcame the twin horrors of losing a job once and growing up chubby. Take that, Holocaust survivors who write books!

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Donald Trump might be an egocentric blowhard, but I’m beginning to agree with him: We need to build a fence.

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I’ve been watching MTV’s new series, Scream. Yes, I said I’ve been watching MTV’s new series, Scream. And lord help me, I’m kind of digging it. So sue me.

There are lots of great shows these days with vexing moral dilemmas and topical, complex themes. With this piece of mindless fluff, you get a break from all of that, and who doesn’t need a break from all of that?

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TV Updates

Mr. Robot (USA Network)

An intriguing new series from, of all places, USA Network. Through two episodes, this tale of a hoodie-clad tech genius who gets drawn into the mysterious world of corporate hacking is timely and compelling. But that geek, as played by Rami Malek, is so depressive, so gloomy … will viewers be willing to enter his downbeat world, week after week? Is Elliot’s cynical attitude a rational reaction to the corruption around him, or is he just another whiny Millennial? Also, Robot is the kind of show that could turn disappointingly dumb, given its conspiracy-theory plot. But so far, so good.   Grade:  B+

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Orange Is the New Black (Netflix)

Now in its third season, Orange consistently tackles social issues we don’t normally see on TV, yet continues to stay entertaining. One downside is that protagonist Piper Chapman (Taylor Schilling), the focus of the series when it premiered two years ago, has devolved into the show’s least interesting character.   Grade:  A-

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Big Brother (CBS)

Two weeks into the show, and none of the houseguests have gotten naked for the CBS cameras. Don’t they understand that’s the main reason we tune in?  Grade:  Can’t say, because the report card was last seen floating in the hot tub

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Deutschland 83 (SundanceTV)

The premise is a bit iffy – East German commie kid goes undercover in West Germany, transforming overnight from awkward momma’s boy to James Bond – but it’s fast-paced and less dour than, say, the similarly themed The Americans on FX.  And unlike the party poopers on Big Brother, the blondes in this show aren’t overly modest (below).  Grade:  B+

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Three Grouch Gripes:

1)  Obama had a pretty good week.  Too bad he couldn’t leave well enough alone when he decided to blurt out an off-key, fingernails-on-the-blackboard rendition of “Amazing Grace.”

2)  Gay marriage?  As far as I’m concerned, it just allows for more discrimination against … single Americans. Government needs to get out of the marriage business, period.

3)  Big Brother is off and running on CBS and, as usual, self-esteem is not an issue for any of the narcissistic houseguests.

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I’m beginning to wonder if Netflix has lost its Midas touch. It’s been a long time since it premiered a series like House of Cards or Orange Is the New Black. Lately, the streaming service is cranking out mediocrities like Marco Polo, Grace and Frankie, Between, and Sense8. And spare me any praise for Daredevil. It’s another comic-book show, and the glut of comic-book shows and movies is nauseating.

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Funny But Cruel:

— Reader reaction to Mindy Kaling’s revelation that, contrary to what they usually say, Hollywood stars actually enjoy filming sex scenes.

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“Comic” Bit That Needs To Go:

Jimmy Fallon’s “slow jam,” which is moronic and annoying. Politicians, like pro athletes, are rarely funny when they try to be funny. They are only funny when it’s unintentional.

Phrase That Needs To Go:

“Right out of a movie.” – CNN’s Poppy Harlow resorting to journalism’s favorite cliché while reporting on the dramatic escape of two New York prison inmates.

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The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant was another rousing success. We are trying to track down contestant Rip van Dinkle, far right in the picture at the top of this page, to ask him what it was like to wake up Sunday morning and see pictures of his penis on The Village Voice, Gothamist, and Time Out New York.

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