The Grouchy Editor

How to Build the Perfect Candidate:

 

 

Hillary’s brain; Bernie’s heart; Donald’s balls; Marco’s boots — voila!

 

*****

 

Why is it that we so often hear Bernie Sanders described as “an old white man,” but we never hear Hillary Clinton described as “an old white woman”? Sanders is, after all, just six years senior to Clinton.

 

*****

 

 

“Frey helped the Eagles soar, one of the world’s best-selling bands, with 150 million albums, before the Eagles broke up in 1980.” – Scott Pelley on Monday’s news.

 

Pretty impressive. Especially when you consider the Beatles only had 12 studio albums.

 

*****

 

From The Huffington Post:

 

 

Doesn’t the subject of the second story solve the problem presented in the first story?

 

*****

 

So now they are saying that Putin might be a pedophile. I’ve suspected that for years, ever since this bizarre photo surfaced:

 

 

I suppose I should stop publishing this picture. Now I’ll have to hire a food taster.

 

*****

 

I live in the frozen tundra, so I felt the need to make my own contribution to the “ice pants” craze currently sweeping the Midwest. Just one catch: My pants aren’t frozen; they always look like this.

 

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© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

The Curse of the Kicker’s Toe

 

“God, I think, sometimes decides, ‘I think this team should win today.’ I don’t know why he’s picking on the Vikings, but he did.” – Hall of Fame quarterback Fran Tarkenton on Minnesota’s most recent debacle, a 10-9 playoff loss to Seattle

“The good people of Minnesota are in pain this morning. That is nothing compared to the pain of Blair Walsh.” — Sports Illustrated writer Peter King on Walsh’s game-losing 27-yard field goal miss

 

Tarkenton is right and King is wrong. You can talk all day about the Curse of the Bambino or the Curse of the Billy Goat, but no one is more accursed than the Vikings fan, who endures what might be called the Curse of the Kicker’s Toe.

Blair Walsh was born and raised in Florida. Until he was signed by the team, he had no particular interest in the Minnesota Vikings. He was not in Metropolitan Stadium in 1975 (as your humble scribe was) to witness the infamous “Hail Mary” pass that defeated Tarkenton and his Viking teammates. Nor was Walsh in the stadium in January, 1999, when kicker Gary Anderson missed a 39-yard field goal (below) that would have sent Minnesota to the Super Bowl. The list of soul-crushing big-game losses goes on and on.

 

 

Blair Walsh can take his lucrative contract money and console himself on some beach in Tahiti. Blair Walsh might be unhappy today, but he has not experienced decades of gridiron failure. The Vikings fan, on the other hand, has the remainder of the frigid Minnesota winter to contemplate what might have happened to so offend the football gods.

In my opinion, the Curse of the Kicker’s Toe began on that cold December day in 1975 in Metropolitan Stadium, when Minnesota battled Dallas. After the contested Hail Mary pass, an enraged Vikings fan tossed a whiskey bottle at referee Armen Terzian, knocking him out cold. After the game, Tarkenton learned that his father had died of a heart attack while watching the game on television. Just before that bit of bad news, and just after the big loss, the famous quarterback shook hands with a drunken teenager he encountered in the stadium parking lot, an ominous event that I believe triggered the Curse of the Kicker’s Toe.

I believe this because I was that drunken teenager, and as I shook Tarkenton’s hand, I could see a haunted look in his eyes: the curse had begun.

 

*****

 

 

“I applaud your intellectual honesty.” – Andrea Tantaros, pictured above and below, to a fellow Mensa member on Outnumbered, the Fox show that I always turn to for intellectual discourse.

 

 

*****

 

I see there are calls for the mayor of Chicago and the governor of Michigan to resign. When most of us get caught misbehaving, we get fired from our jobs or go to jail. But when you attain a certain level of power and influence, you rarely go to jail and you never get fired. You are asked to “resign,” as if you simply got tired of your job and decided to look for something better.

 

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

Final thoughts on Making a Murderer

 

This docuseries is making all of us look bad: Wisconsin’s legal system looks inept at best, corrupt at worst. Netflix and its lesbian filmmakers look bad for peddling such a one-sided documentary. Steven Avery looks guilty as sin. Millions of viewers look foolish for rushing to judgment. The media looks … well, we all know how the media looks.

 

*****

 

And this is why critics have a point when they say celebrities should keep their traps shut when it comes to controversial issues:

 

 

 

*****

 

I have yet to see the new Star Wars movie, but I am told that Oprah makes a memorable cameo appearance.

 

 

*****

 

Our little city in the Midwest plays host tomorrow to what could be the coldest NFL playoff game in history. They say the temperature at game time could be below zero. They say that this deep freeze, which we Minnesotans endure yearly, “builds character.” But what sort of “character” is that – the sort that enjoys being tied to a bed and tortured with whips and chains?

 

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

A funny thing happened while I was binge-watching Making a Murderer, Netflix’s ballyhooed docuseries about Steven Avery, the Wisconsin man who was convicted of sexual assault, exonerated 18 years later by DNA evidence, only to be convicted a second time, this time for a murder. After being sucked in by eight (of ten) engrossing episodes about Avery and the evidently corrupt Wisconsin legal system, I decided to take a break from my marathon viewing to do a little outside research.

And just like that, I went from disbelief and outright anger over Avery’s raw deal to, if not support of Wisconsin law enforcement, at least some benefit of the doubt.

Yes, the unsophisticated cops and prosecutors in the Badger State still seemed like the “bad guys”: tainting evidence, misleading the public, and twisting facts in their single-minded determination to nail the pugnacious Avery, not once but twice. But I began to feel like the producers of Making a Murderer were also tainting evidence, misleading the public, and twisting facts in their single-minded determination to absolve Avery and his co-defendant, 16-year-old Brendan Dassey.

The biggest problem I had, and still have, is with the murder that occurred in 2005.  If Avery and Dassey didn’t do it, then who did, and why?

Part of what makes this series so fascinating is the long, strange saga of Avery and his legal adversaries (filmmakers Laura Ricciardi and Moira Demos spent ten years making this docuseries). In 1985, Avery was convicted for the sexual assault of a female jogger. In 2003, DNA evidence proved conclusively that he was innocent of that crime. Just two years after his release from an 18-year stay in prison, he was again accused, this time of the murder of a free-lance photographer who was last seen taking pictures on his property.

Avery seemed a likely suspect, but Ricciardi and Demos make it abundantly clear that Manitowoc County officials had strong motivation to see the ex-convict behind bars again, in part because he was suing the county for millions over his wrongful imprisonment. Time and again, Ricciardi and Demos expose cops and prosecutors behaving either unethically, or illegally, in their zeal to nail Avery.

But again, who killed 25-year-old Teresa Halbach, the photographer who disappeared after visiting the Avery family scrapyard? There are no clear answers. Avery’s own lawyers seem unsure of his guilt or innocence. I went from initially feeling pity for Avery to wondering if he was just a wily ex-convict, gaming everyone in his orbit — including the filmmakers.

I did some reading (here and here, for starters), and it appears that Ricciardi and Demos might well be guilty of the same sin they pin so vividly on Wisconsin officials: bending the facts to suit a predetermined result. In Making a Murderer, Wisconsin cops and prosecutors appear crooked or incompetent, but we only hear from them in the courtroom or at press conferences, often looking shifty-eyed and with ominous music playing in the background. Avery family members, on the other hand, are interviewed extensively, appearing teary-eyed and with mournful music on the soundtrack. Avery defense attorneys are presented as crusading heroes; lead prosecutor Ken Kratz is presented as an arrogant pervert. Clearly, Kratz and other Wisconsin officials behaved atrociously – but does that necessarily mean they got the wrong guy?

As a civics lesson – and as a deterrent to ever, ever getting swept into the criminal justice system – Making a Murderer is must-see television. It will fill you with righteous indignation. If you like to find out the truth, it will also frustrate you.

 

Grades

Entertainment Value:  A

Civics Class Value:  A

Journalism Class Value:  C- 

 

 

 Steven Avery – railroaded country boy, or Wisconsin’s latest Jeffrey Dahmer?

 

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

Bah Humbugs

 

I’m tired of television news’s obsession with everything that goes “viral” on the Internet. Just because the Web is an unfiltered cesspool of bullshit and bad taste, must TV follow suit?

Steve Harvey’s screw-up at the Miss Universe pageant was mildly amusing, but it “went viral,” and so was broadcast endlessly on every television newscast from coast to coast. News directors, please get a grip.

 

*****

 

 

Aside from airing great movies, the best thing about TCM is that it’s a refuge from the onslaught of commercials we get on every other basic-cable channel. TCM’s new “wine club” spots look an awful lot like commercials to me. Go ahead, TCM, ruin a good thing.

 

*****

 

 

“I think a lot of people are feeling that, right now, like this is the conversation that we’re having in America, about who wants to lead the free world?” — reporter Christina Bellantoni lamenting the level to which the Trump-driven political debate has sunk.

Bellantoni was referencing Hillary Clinton’s now-famous bathroom break and Donald Trump’s subsequent rude comments, but it could be worse. We could be discussing our prime minister having sex with a pig’s head.

 

*****

 

Jennifer Lawrence is opening a new movie about the inventor of the Miracle Mop. I understand that sex sells, but I still don’t feel that this poster is appropriate:

 

 

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

“I am telling you, this movie is stupid.” – Neil Cavuto, decrying the ridiculous hype over Star Wars.

 

It’s not often that I agree with the pig man, but Cavuto’s right. It would be nice if the media would stop indulging the millions of arrested-development fans of this silly series.

 

*****

 

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.                          Rick Moranis                                                          Enrique Marquez

 

I can’t be the only one who saw pictures of alleged terrorism conspirator Enrique Marquez, above right, and thought that the feds had arrested Rick Moranis, above left.

 

*****

 

 

Why is it that our biggest warmongers are so often spineless little twerps like Greg Gutfeld? Gutfeld, one of the shrillest of Fox voices, is forever demanding troops on the ground, or more bombing, or whatever. Meanwhile, the diminutive dimwit looks as if he’d have trouble defending himself against a puff of wind.

 

*****

 

Here’s a picture and headline leading in to a Huffington Post story about that harmless little activity, the consumption of alcohol. Smiling, attractive young people relaxing on a picture-perfect day …

 

 

Can you imagine the same lead-in to a story about smokers and smoking?

 

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

Bad Mouthing, Bad Manners, and Bad Hair

 

Pictured above is former FBI profiler James R. Fitzgerald, whose hair fascinates me.

Fitzgerald was Erin Burnett’s guest on Tuesday, discussing the San Bernardino killer couple, but I didn’t register anything he said. I was much too distracted by that hair.

 

*****

 

All branches of the military open to women? Sounds good. Now let’s make sure that all women also register for the draft.

 

*****

 

 

“Listening is always your best friend.” – Chris Cuomo, above, crowing about his interview skills with Donald Trump.

I listened to that interview, and I stopped counting after Cuomo had interrupted Trump 10 times in the first 8 minutes.

 

*****

 

 

“I mean, this guy is such a total pussy, it’s stunning.” – Retired Lt. Col. Ralph Peters, above, voicing his displeasure with Obama on Fox News.

Coming from a guy who speaks with a castrato voice, I’d say that Peters probably knows whereof he speaks.

 

*****

 

 

Good call on The Martian, Golden Globes, because as I watched the movie I was constantly either chuckling at the jokes or humming along to the catchy tunes.

 

*****

 

And finally, I visited James R. Fitzgerald’s Web site because I wanted to see more pictures of his hair:

 

 

 

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

I’m only 15 years late to the party, but I finally watched the first season of Larry David’s Curb Your Enthusiasm, and the show is an absolute delight.

It’s a sitcom that your grumpy, Fox-watching, conservative uncle might enjoy. It’s about rich people problems – in other words, not really problems at all – but cantankerous, foot-in-mouth Larry sells every episode. It made me laugh out loud, and sitcoms do not make me laugh out loud.

 

**

 

More TV tidbits:

The Netflix import River is a pretty good cop drama. Stellan Skarsgard plays a detective in London who sees dead people, but don’t let that scare you off. Skarsgard is one talented actor who seems to get better with age.

 

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Aziz Ansari’s Master of None on Netflix reminds me of Inside Amy Schumer. Both shows are clever and topical, but they tend to wallow in political correctness and can be preachy. And yes, I realize that summation makes me sound like your grumpy, Fox-watching, conservative uncle.

 

Don’t know about you, but I’ve had it with vampires and zombies. On the other hand, I have not yet OD’d on demons. If you haven’t seen Ash vs. Evil Dead on Starz, you’re missing a terrifically entertaining trio of demon hunters in Dana DeLorenzo, Bruce Campbell, and Ray Santiago (left to right below).

 

 

*****

 

The copycat media falls in love with certain words and just won’t let go. For example, news events are no longer ongoing or developing, they are “fluid.” This week we got a new term of media endearment: “hybrid.”

 

*****

 

Philanthropist John Studzinski gave a speech about Talitha Kum, a network of nuns who dress like prostitutes and infiltrate brothels to rescue victims of sex trafficking:

 

 

But can we trust a story about sex with a dude named Studzinski and nuns called Talitha Kum? And should the sisters, who trust no one, trust the Trust Women Conference?

 

*****

 

The Huffington Post is still looking for a few good proofreaders:

 

 

Incidentally, the Netflix-distributed Beasts of No Nation is generating Oscar buzz, but I’m not a big fan of the movie. The problem is that the protagonist is played by a very young actor who, I’m afraid, wasn’t up to the task of carrying an entire film.

 

*****

 

 

“We have to go out with the mind-set that it’s a dogfight.” – Vikings running back Adrian Peterson, above, explaining how to win games.

 

Bet he wouldn’t say that if Michael Vick was his quarterback.

 

© 2010-2026 grouchyeditor.com (text only)

 

 

“When did we become a nation of anti-uncle bigots?” – Andy Levy on Fox’s Red Eye

 

Levy has a point. Why is it that we want to avoid our “crazy uncle” at Thanksgiving dinner? Why are children warned to stay away from “creepy uncle”? Are there no crazed, opinionated aunts out there? No sinister grandparents?

 

 

Uncle Fester 

 

*****

 

Talking Turkey

 

When Turkey shot down a Russian fighter jet, Fox’s Neil Cavuto turned to Lt. Gen. David Deptula for analysis:

 

Cavuto:  “I’m surprised this kind of thing didn’t happen sooner. Aren’t you?”

Deptula:  “Well, it’s not, it’s certainly a possibility, a probability, it happened, so, I don’t know if I’m surprised it hasn’t already happened, but the fact of the matter is, it did happen, and it’s very unfortunate.”

 

I don’t know about you, but I feel I have a much better grasp of the situation now.

 

*****

 

Jodi Arias defense attorney Kirk Nurmi has written a book in which he describes the heartfelt devotion he held for his client. An excerpt:

 

 

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