The Grouchy Editor

 

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Battle of the Sexists

 

Just when it looks as if the presidential campaign can’t possibly get any more juvenile … the nation must now prepare itself for what looks to be an epic battle between Hillary and Donald. In other words, boys against girls.

According to her detractors, Hillary wants to help everyone except white males. According to his detractors, Donald mostly wants to, uh, help attractive females. Toss in Melania, Monica, Megyn, and Bill, and this election should be the most fun any of us have had since we gave each other cooties in kindergarten.

(In the picture above, that’s Trump on the left, obviously. Not sure if the girl is Clinton or Fox anchor Megyn Kelly.)

 

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The so-called golden age of television seems to be in a creative lull – at least in terms of one-hour dramas and miniseries produced in the U.S.A. There are a few pretty good new shows (Billions, The People v. O. J. Simpson, et al), but nothing I’d call “must-see TV.”

Thank goodness for the British, at least this week, for giving us two dramatic treats: And Then There Were None on Lifetime (I know, I know – Lifetime? I can’t believe it either), and the second season of Happy Valley on Netflix. The former is my second-favorite adaptation of the classic Agatha Christie mystery. Lifetime’s British import (pictures above and at bottom) is gloomy, moody, and more faithful to the original novel, but I still give a slight edge to the 1945 movie, which is completely different in tone (light and fun), but oh-so-entertaining.

As for Happy Valley, I binge-watched all six episodes in one day, mostly for one reason: Sarah Lancashire (pictured below) absolutely rules as crime-fighting grandmother Catherine Cawood, a Yorkshire copper whose beat comprises a valley community that is anything but happy. Yes, I said “crime-fighting grandmother,” which in this case is nowhere near as precious as it sounds. We are not talking about Miss Marple. Click here to read my review of the first season.

 

 

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Sure is a relief that America put all of its racial problems behind it in the 1960s … isn’t it?

 

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Instead of shutting down Trump rallies, I suggest we shut down this kind of thing:

 

 

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I don’t suppose Obama’s good news has anything to do with the current crop of idiots hoping to move into the White House.

 

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Trump can be very humble about his good qualities. After all, he admits that Lincoln might be more presidential, and that the Bible might be better than Trump: The Art of the Deal. But as this wacky article from The Daily Beast demonstrates, no one is more entertaining than Trump when he pops up in your dreams.

 

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Louis C.K.’s courageous stand

 

A summary of the comedian’s political advice to his followers this week:

 

Trump is Hitler, but I don’t want to lose any conservative fans, so I recommend that you vote for that bold and fresh Republican voice, John Kasich.

 

Then again, I can’t really blame Louis for speaking out. This is easily the craziest presidential election process that I’ve ever witnessed, and I’ve voted in all of them since 1976. But geez … John Kasich?

 

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Like everyone else in America, I was moved to tears when much-maligned Leo DiCaprio was finally recognized by his peers with an Oscar for his role in The Revenant.

What made Leo’s acceptance speech so memorable was the moment we were all pining for: Leo’s sage advice to the little people to do not as he does, but as he says, and to strive hard to combat global warming.

OK, that’s a bit unfair. We understand, Leo, that you give a lot of time, energy, and bucks to promote the cause. But don’t you think it also might help if you set a better example in your personal life?

 

 

 

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Downton Abbey ends tomorrow, and it seems to be going out not with a bang, but with a whimper — probably because it’s one of those series that overstayed its welcome by a season or two. Nevertheless, I’m sorry to see the old gang go.

Pictured above is either the cast of Downton Abbey, or a diverse gathering from one of Donald Trump’s rallies.

 

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Since penis size was the highlight of the most recent Republican debate, I believe I speak for the entire country when I say that we are all looking forward to Hillary and Donald debating the merits of her fat ass versus his big dick.

 

 

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Physical Appearance Week!

 

He sweats a lot. He pissed in his pants. She’s too fat. He’s got huge ears.

 

This is why we haven’t been contacted by visitors from other planets. They know that the first thing we’ll do is judge their appearance. God knows I would never do such a thing. I’m just here to help. Here are some helpful suggestions:

 

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Donald Trump needs to stay away from the tanning booth. Or the spray can, or whatever the hell it is that he uses. He’s beginning to resemble “Tan Mom.”

 

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                                  Black Sails                                          Vikings

 

The heroes on shows like Black Sails and Vikings:  I’m pretty sure that real Vikings and real pirates did not look like this. These dudes must be replaced, because they look like male models from the year 2016.

 

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Cheryl Tiegs caught hell for criticizing a fat girl who modeled for Sports Illustrated. Tiegs was right. The fat model is unhealthy, unsightly, and a bad role model. I might change my mind if the fat defenders would come out in support of smokers, but they don’t, so the hell with them. They are unhappy because society won’t embrace their desire to pig out on ice cream.

Below, Sports Illustrated “plus-size” model Ashley Graham strikes a cheeky pose … or perhaps not.

 

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I don’t understand the fuss over Donald Trump’s misspellings on Twitter. Trump did, after all, inform us that he loves the “poorly educated.”

 

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A Tribute to Ben Carszzzzzzzzzzzzzz …

 

 

Apologies to Donald Trump, but with knife fights, a trip to Florida to get fresh-laundered clothes, and a botched entrance at the Republican debate, sleepy-eyed Ben Carson gets our vote for “Entertaining Candidate of the Year.”

 

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The villainous Martin Shkreli reminded me of someone, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. And then it came to me:

 

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Not sure why this dumb video amuses me so much, but it does.

 

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The Good News:  Craig Ferguson is back with a new panel show on History channel.

The Bad News:  The show is only on once a week. For just 30 minutes per episode. That’s not enough Craig Ferguson.

 

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This week, I learned the significance of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out). People kept posting about “Bernie Sandwiches” and “Puppy Monkey Baby,” and I had no idea what they were going on about.

Now I know, and since I don’t know how to channel my feelings about the Puppy Monkey Baby, I’ll just make you look at this:

 

 

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Paramount Taps Charlotte Rampling for Title Role

in ‘Rosa Parks Story’

 

 

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TV Updates

 

There are now more than 400 scripted shows on television — and most of them seem to be premiering this month. And so, in a desperate attempt to keep up, here are my brief impressions, good and not-so-good, about a slew of the (mostly) new shows bombarding us:

 

The Circus (Showtime) –    B

What’s Good: Its behind-the-scenes format gives us a view of the presidential candidates that we don’t normally get. We climb in the campaign bus with Ted Cruz, and have dinner with Bernie Sanders.

What’s Not So Good: The Circus strives to be timely, but we live in an age when cable news breaks stories 24 hours a day, so that even a show that airs just days after it’s filmed, like this one, can feel like old news.

 

Baskets (FX) –   C+

What’s Good: The female supporting cast, especially Louie Anderson and Martha Kelly. Yes, Louie Anderson.

What’s Not So Good: It wants badly to be different from the typical sitcom, which is fine, but there is a reason that most shows have protagonists we like and stories that engage us.

 

 

Angie Tribeca (TBS) –   B-

What’s Good: If you liked The Naked Gun, Scary Movie, Airplane! and other spoofs of movie/TV genres, then you will probably like this cop-show satire. Also, star Rashida Jones has great gams (above).

What’s Not So Good: It’s not what you’d call original.

 

I’m Your Girlfriend (HBO) –   B

What’s Good: Whitney Cummings reminds me of Bill Maher. Both are known as stand-up comics, but neither of them really makes me laugh. They do, however, make me think.

What’s Not So Good: Cummings chastises the male of the species for becoming too crude and vulgar … and then bends over and sticks her ass in the audience’s face.

 

Saturday Night Live (NBC) –   B

What’s Good: The up-and-down quality of the writing has been, lately, more up than down.

What’s Not So Good: The guest hosts. Usually.

 

 

Billions (Showtime) –   B+

What’s Good: Sharp dialogue and great antagonists in Damian Lewis and Paul Giamatti (above).

What’s Not So Good: Everyone is rich. There are times when you want all of them to go to jail.

 

London Spy (BBC America) –   B

What’s Good: There’s just something about British spy dramas. Even when what’s happening on screen is patently absurd, the tone and actors can convince you that what you’re watching is very serious, indeed.

What’s Not So Good: If you can’t handle gay sex scenes, you might want to skip the first episode.

 

Chelsea Does (Netflix) –   B

What’s Good: Chelsea Handler deserves credit for tackling important issues like race and the institution of marriage.

What’s Not So Good: Handler herself can be grating, and it isn’t all that endearing to watch her and her celebrity friends sip wine and pass judgment on problems that don’t particularly affect them.

 

American Crime (ABC) –   A-

What’s Good: My initial impression was, “This can’t be any good. It’s a broadcast-network drama that resembles an ABC Afterschool Special.” My initial impression was wrong. This might be the best hour-long drama on television.

What’s Not So Good: Apparently, it’s in ratings purgatory. That’s the real crime.

 

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From Entertainment Weekly’s review of Dirty Grandpa:

 

“You’ll get to see Efron’s butt a lot, if that’s what you came for; it’s real, and it’s spectacular.”

 

From an anonymous commenter:

 

 

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How to Build the Perfect Candidate:

 

 

Hillary’s brain; Bernie’s heart; Donald’s balls; Marco’s boots — voila!

 

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Why is it that we so often hear Bernie Sanders described as “an old white man,” but we never hear Hillary Clinton described as “an old white woman”? Sanders is, after all, just six years senior to Clinton.

 

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“Frey helped the Eagles soar, one of the world’s best-selling bands, with 150 million albums, before the Eagles broke up in 1980.” – Scott Pelley on Monday’s news.

 

Pretty impressive. Especially when you consider the Beatles only had 12 studio albums.

 

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From The Huffington Post:

 

 

Doesn’t the subject of the second story solve the problem presented in the first story?

 

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So now they are saying that Putin might be a pedophile. I’ve suspected that for years, ever since this bizarre photo surfaced:

 

 

I suppose I should stop publishing this picture. Now I’ll have to hire a food taster.

 

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I live in the frozen tundra, so I felt the need to make my own contribution to the “ice pants” craze currently sweeping the Midwest. Just one catch: My pants aren’t frozen; they always look like this.

 

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The Curse of the Kicker’s Toe

 

“God, I think, sometimes decides, ‘I think this team should win today.’ I don’t know why he’s picking on the Vikings, but he did.” – Hall of Fame quarterback Fran Tarkenton on Minnesota’s most recent debacle, a 10-9 playoff loss to Seattle

“The good people of Minnesota are in pain this morning. That is nothing compared to the pain of Blair Walsh.” — Sports Illustrated writer Peter King on Walsh’s game-losing 27-yard field goal miss

 

Tarkenton is right and King is wrong. You can talk all day about the Curse of the Bambino or the Curse of the Billy Goat, but no one is more accursed than the Vikings fan, who endures what might be called the Curse of the Kicker’s Toe.

Blair Walsh was born and raised in Florida. Until he was signed by the team, he had no particular interest in the Minnesota Vikings. He was not in Metropolitan Stadium in 1975 (as your humble scribe was) to witness the infamous “Hail Mary” pass that defeated Tarkenton and his Viking teammates. Nor was Walsh in the stadium in January, 1999, when kicker Gary Anderson missed a 39-yard field goal (below) that would have sent Minnesota to the Super Bowl. The list of soul-crushing big-game losses goes on and on.

 

 

Blair Walsh can take his lucrative contract money and console himself on some beach in Tahiti. Blair Walsh might be unhappy today, but he has not experienced decades of gridiron failure. The Vikings fan, on the other hand, has the remainder of the frigid Minnesota winter to contemplate what might have happened to so offend the football gods.

In my opinion, the Curse of the Kicker’s Toe began on that cold December day in 1975 in Metropolitan Stadium, when Minnesota battled Dallas. After the contested Hail Mary pass, an enraged Vikings fan tossed a whiskey bottle at referee Armen Terzian, knocking him out cold. After the game, Tarkenton learned that his father had died of a heart attack while watching the game on television. Just before that bit of bad news, and just after the big loss, the famous quarterback shook hands with a drunken teenager he encountered in the stadium parking lot, an ominous event that I believe triggered the Curse of the Kicker’s Toe.

I believe this because I was that drunken teenager, and as I shook Tarkenton’s hand, I could see a haunted look in his eyes: the curse had begun.

 

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“I applaud your intellectual honesty.” – Andrea Tantaros, pictured above and below, to a fellow Mensa member on Outnumbered, the Fox show that I always turn to for intellectual discourse.

 

 

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I see there are calls for the mayor of Chicago and the governor of Michigan to resign. When most of us get caught misbehaving, we get fired from our jobs or go to jail. But when you attain a certain level of power and influence, you rarely go to jail and you never get fired. You are asked to “resign,” as if you simply got tired of your job and decided to look for something better.

 

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