The Grouchy Editor

TV Update:

When the “good guys” on your show are all criminals, you have to go deep with your “bad guys,” and good lord, the villains on Netflix’s Ozark are truly a bad lot.

With its nice-family-gone-wrong plot, Ozark would like to be the new Breaking Bad. It’s not that good, but it is eminently watchable, thanks in no small part to this rogues’ gallery of evil:

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                                       Bad                                         Worse                                   Worst

Ozark has crooked politicians; but the lawyers are worse. There is a dangerous Mexican drug cartel; but the local farmers are worse. And the FBI? Don’t even ask.

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American Horror Story:  I’ve only seen the first episode of “Apocalypse,” but I’m thinking this show has probably jumped the shark. Series creator Ryan Murphy is busy doing other things, other projects. The only sign that he’s still around is the show’s continued emphasis on male ass.

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The Purge: Two episodes in, it’s not as god-awful as I expected. Of course, that could change.

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Lost in Translation?

This is the synopsis for a 2015 Russian series on Netflix:

“As four Russian friends grow up in the early ‘60s, life, love and the curse of success threaten to derail their dreams.”

Sounds like a Cold War version of Dawson’s Creek, or some similar tug-at-your-heartstrings dramedy. But perhaps not.

Here is the poster:

OK … unless this is actually the Russky version of Porky’s, you might want to change that title.

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Good thing I buy cheap tennis shoes, so I don’t have to worry about boycotting Nike and its “sacrificing” spokesman.

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Meanwhile, in Montana, apparently there is a raging Senate battle between Sgt. Carter and … Sgt. Carter (below).

For you youngsters who don’t recall Sgt. Carter, this is Sgt. Carter:

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Quote of the Week

“Tonight, we ain’t losers no more.” – Philadelphia Eagles fan Kevin Hart

Tell that to the National Council of Teachers of English.

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“Unlike baseball … football does not wimp out at the first drop of rain. Football forges ahead through downpours and snowstorms.” – Camille Paglia

Thursday night’s NFL opener was delayed by bad weather.  When did the NFL start delaying games because of rain?

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Speaking of Camille Paglia, I would love to see her and Fran Lebowitz go at it – in a debate, that is.

Get your minds out of the gutter.

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Lots of clowns, pea-brains, and Chicken Littles in Washington D.C., but I’m hard-pressed to name one who combines all three character traits better than this guy:

Unless, of course, he’s some sort of evil genius and is simply toying with all of us ….

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Last week we waxed eloquent about the wondrous escapism of YouTube conspiracy videos.

But if you’re seeking some other form of addictive time-wasting, check out Crazy Days and Nights.

It’s the wondrous escapism of Hollywood gossip, in the guise of a guessing game.

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Quote of the Week

“Bringing up the FBI and the Justice Department rattles a lot of feathers.” – Jedediah Bila mixing her metaphors – or something – on The Five.

These pictures of Bila rattled my feather. Ruffled it, too:

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If we’re all watching fake news anyway, why not watch fake news that’s entertaining? That’s why I spent the night watching fake news on YouTube — primarily conspiracy videos.

Google, Twitter and Facebook work hard to censor political views they don’t like, but they have no problem showcasing videos and articles about fake moon landings, or unshaven Stanley Kubrick’s recent return to the Overlook Hotel (below).

These videos are fun. I began with the fake moon landings, which led me to Stanley Kubrick’s Eyes Wide Shut (in which Stanley filmed Tom Cruise’s then-wife Nicole Kidman, pictured below, in the buff), which led me to a video called “Pedophiles Rule the World,” which led me to Anthony Bourdain’s suspicious suicide in France, which led me to … you get the picture.

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These videos kept me up all night. And I didn’t even get to UFOs or the Kennedy assassination.

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Surely someone, somewhere, is busy updating “Bette Davis Eyes” to address this important question:

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If you’re going to borrow from classic high-school comedies, you might as well borrow from the best – movies like Mean Girls, Can’t Buy Me Love, and 16 Candles.

The makers of Netflix’s To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (above) understand this, and that’s why, despite the fact that I hardly fit the film’s target demographic, it never gagged me with a spoon.

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When they try to be funny, the Big Brother houseguests usually fall flat. But every so often, CBS cameras capture a gem of an exchange, like this one:

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OK, OK. Congressional candidates don’t have “running mates.” We know that, but that would spoil the joke.

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The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences message to Hollywood with its new “best popular film” Oscar category:

“Your movie sucks, but it did make a lot of money from the Deplorables, and we like that, so here’s a little naked man for you.”

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So let’s see … isn’t that “cultural appropriation” times three?

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I don’t care what your politics are, funny is funny, and this “interview” with former sheriff Joe Arpaio is pretty damn funny.

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Reporters!

“What an asshole!”

– Fox’s Dana Perino on live TV, decrying some knucklehead who brought an alligator into a convenience store.

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“We reached out to [CBS honcho Leslie] Moonves and CBS for comment, but did not hear back.”

 – CBS reporter Anna Werner, essentially saying: “I reached out to myself for comment, but did not hear back.”

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“They aren’t being nice to me, and I don’t like it!”

– CNN’s Jim Acosta whining about anti-CNN, pro-Trump crowds.

OK, he didn’t really say that — we think.

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Seems to Me …

Seems to me the best part of the Trump-Cohen secret tape recording is the fact that National Enquirer publisher David Pecker is referenced, and so media outlets are once again free to say or write “Pecker.”

If you are not sure who David Pecker is, Google his name. Go ahead, you know you want to.

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Lots of happy faces on Fox News about the economic-growth report.

But my wallet hasn’t gotten any bigger.

Seems to me that TV pundits ought to contain their glee until someone other than fat cats gets a fatter wallet.

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Russian “collision”? Seems to me if you’re constantly battling “dumb blonde” accusations, you ought to proofread your Tweets.

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“She is young.” – Marie Harf excusing media darling Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s (above right) embarrassing stumble over a question about Israel.

OK. Well.

If you’re going to excuse Ocasio-Cortez for her “youth and inexperience,” I think you’ve got to pardon Trump for his “senior moment” in Helsinki.

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Movies these days suck.

We forget that in Hollywood’s golden age, 1971-72, audiences were treated to gems like these:

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Baby blimps and bald spots: politics!

“Well, we’re a real network, too”

– CNN’s Jim Acosta, above, whining about Donald Trump at a British press conference and proving that Acosta, too, should have a giant baby balloon.

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Does Peter Strzok’s bald spot have a Twitter page? I think it should.

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If I didn’t know better, I’d suspect that the girls on Big Brother actually want us to see their titties.

Below, houseguest Kaitlyn Herman displays her modesty:

Below, houseguest Haleigh Broucher plays peek-a-boob with the CBS camera.

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