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14Apr

The Arrival (1996)

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One critic described 1996’s The Arrival as an update of the 1950s science-fiction B-movie, and I think that’s an apt comparison. What elevates The Arrival above the likes of Killers from Space and Devil Girl from Mars, however, is Charlie Sheen.

Paunchy, bearded, and bespectacled, Sheen in this film is no macho Arnold, Sylvester, or Jean-Claude; he is more like the poor man’s Cary Grant. Sheen’s “Zane Zaminsky,” a radio astronomer who stumbles upon an intergalactic plot by aliens, is forever befuddled, belittled, and beset by co-workers, authorities and, well, by life in general. But Zaminsky has charm and – as the real-life Sheen has discovered – a little bit of charisma can take you a long way.

The Arrival is a frenetic action flick with a story that begins promisingly but eventually sinks into plot holes and head-scratching hokum as Zaminsky tries to expose an alien scheme to “terraform” Earth. The technologically advanced aliens –they can morph into human form and communicate light-years in a matter of seconds – for some odd reason seem to favor 18th-century methods for exterminating their human foes. Why laser a threat when you can plant scorpions in her bed? Why vaporize Zaminsky when you can concoct a Rube Goldberg-like assassination using bathtubs and collapsing hotel floors?

All of this is claptrap, but it matters not because it’s so much fun watching Sheen as he bumbles, stumbles and freaks out over the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune that are thrown in his direction. It’s a “winning” formula for Charlie, if not the movie itself. Grade: B-

Director: David Twohy Cast: Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Crouse, Richard Schiff, Ron Silver, Teri Polo, Tony T. Johnson, Phyllis Applegate Release: 1996

Watch the Trailer (click here)

12Apr

I Forgive You, AMC

Posted in Books, Movies, TV & Web, TV | 2 Comments

I am finally ready to kiss and make up with AMC. We dissolved our relationship about ten years ago – mostly due to AMC’s unfaithfulness – but the network has done a lot of growing up, and I dislike holding a grudge. But first, some history:

In the 1980s and 1990s – long before TCM was even a twinkle in Ted Turner’s eye – American Movie Classics was a cinephile’s delight, an oasis of uncut, unedited, commercial-free movies from Hollywood’s “golden age.” On no other channel could you find 1944’s The Uninvited, blessedly free of interruptions for vitamin sales, or Ilsa’s dramatic parting from Rick, sans “a brief pause for a word from our sponsor.” I was in love with AMC.

And then in 2002 AMC did the unthinkable, dumping its subscriber-based format and leaping into the ad-fueled TV cesspool. At first, like a suspicious lipstick stain on its collar, just a few commercials appeared on AMC. But then there were more, and more, and more ….

AMC began airing what it called “classics” from the 1990s and 2000s. All of them were hacked to pieces and censored for content. In other words, AMC was feeding us the same ad-driven drivel that we got on every other channel. This was a betrayal of film buffs, an unforgivable sin. I had to leave AMC.

So when the cable channel’s Mad Men began to generate buzz several years ago, I ignored it. I was pouting, playing hard-to-get. I did watch the first season of Breaking Bad and, grudgingly, I had to admit it was a pretty good show. But now, with the recent additions of Rubicon (already cancelled; but hey, relationship recovery always has a few bumps), The Walking Dead, and The Killing … all is, at long last, forgiven. Give us a kiss, AMC.

Rubicon: This was an intelligent, well-acted puzzler about analysts at a CIA-like think tank. The short-lived series eschewed car chases, shoot-‘em-ups, and sex. So need I explain why it tanked in the ratings? It’s too bad, though, because James Badge Dale was an intriguing leading man, and the supporting cast – especially Michael Cristofer as the sputtering, truculent head of the think tank – was superb. But there were too many scenes set around a table in a conference room, and not much comic relief. Who wants to be reminded of work? Grade: B+

The Walking Dead: Of AMC’s new series, this one is the least mainstream and the most likely to be sustained by a “cult” following. I mean, it’s a show about zombies, for crying out loud. And yet, often it isn’t about the crumbling cadavers. Blood, gore and ghoulish gallopers are mostly in the background, an ominous ambience to the real drama, which is about a group of bickering, bantering, all-too-human survivors. Grade: B

The Killing: The jury is still out on this most-recent AMC series, but I like what I’ve seen in the first three episodes. Seattle, of all places, has never seemed so atmospheric, bringing to mind 1940s film noir as cops Mireille Enos and Joel Kinnaman try to solve the murder of a teenage girl. As with Rubicon and The Walking Dead, this series draws you in because – imagine it! – someone at AMC must really believe in the network’s slogan: “story matters.” Grade: B+

08Apr

The Protocols of the Elders of Zion

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A notorious outline for Jewish world domination, Protocols is generally dismissed as a fraud. Scholars say that Jewish plotters, as implied by these “minutes,” did not secretly meet in the late 19th century, and that this book’s text was cobbled together from earlier material dreamed up by some anonymous instigator. I don’t know that it matters whether the meeting was a complete fabrication. What matters is that the ideas expressed in Protocols influenced everyone from Henry Ford to Adolf Hitler to Bobby Fischer – and those ideas continue to attract certain factions today.

The components of this preachy, vague publication (specifics are rarely mentioned) are well known: Gentiles are sheep, an inferior people destined for manipulation and governance by the “chosen people.” Jews will use their control of global finance, the press, and political puppets to sow discord and eventually rule the world. You know, like what Hitler tried to do.

07Apr

Swept Away (1974)

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On the surface (and in the water), Italian director Lina Wertmuller’s Swept Away seems a rather traditional, comic battle of the sexes. The African Queen with subtitles, perhaps, or The War of the Roses with prettier scenery.

But Wertmuller’s 1974 film has some radical takes on some old ideas: Does “no” always mean “no” when it comes to sex? Is feminism a desirable progression for humanity – or does it upset the “natural” scheme of things? Does capitalism rock – or does it knock down the little guy, creating an undeserving, privileged upper class?

Rafaella (Mariangela Melato) is a wealthy industrialist’s wife enjoying a Mediterranean yacht expedition with friends when a mishap maroons her on a desolate island with Gennarino (Giancarlo Giannini), a left-leaning, lower-class deckhand.

Rafaella, who makes no secret of her political views, could be described as 1) a beacon of feminism, a go-getter with little sympathy for anyone lacking her ambition and drive, or 2) a pampered bitch. Gennarino, who must (grudgingly) cater to Rafaella’s every whim, could be described as 1) a victim of an unfair social system, a hard-working “man of the people,” or 2) a male chauvinist pig.

When this political odd couple is stranded on an island, hilarity ensues – but not for long. Swept Away takes on a darker, more serious tone when the two castaways find their roles reversed, with newly liberated Gennarino more than happy to turn class warfare on its head. The deckhand quickly turns to physical intimidation – including sexual assault – in his attempts to induce Rafaella’s submission.

At this point, political correctness tells us that we should clearly side with the woman, right? Not so fast – because as I’ve said, Wertmuller (who also wrote the script) has some unorthodox views of the situation.

In the end, the real battle is between realism and romanticism. I’ll let you guess which character turns out to be the romantic, and which the realist. Grade: A-

Director: Lina Wertmuller Cast: Giancarlo Giannini, Mariangela Melato, Riccardo Salvino, Isa Danieli, Aldo Puglisi Release: 1974

Watch a Clip (click here)

04Apr

Insidious

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James Wan’s haunted-house movie Insidious will put you on the edge of your seat. In fact, if you are like me the film will send you rocketing from your chair and crashing into the theater ceiling like a test pilot who’s accidentally pushed the ejection button. That’s the good news.

The bad news is that, in addition to a skull fracture, you will likely acquire punctured ear drums, a ringing headache, and attention deficit disorder due to the DEAFENING sound effects Wan employs in conjunction with most of his “boo!” scenes.

Insidious, which insidiously apes the plot of Poltergeist, promises to deliver scares and it does, and that’s a simple rule of scary movies that so many of them, inexplicably, seem to forget. Entertainment Weekly critic Owen Gleiberman is correct when he says, “Insidious … has some of the most shivery and indelible images I’ve seen in any horror film in decades.”

But it’s a shame that I can’t honestly tell you whether my Flying Wallenda impersonations were due to Wan’s skilled filmmaking or to those shattering decibel levels. At what point does a film cross the line from artful manipulation to physical assault?

The plot concerns a young couple (Patrick Wilson and Rose Byrne) with three kids, one of whom mysteriously lapses into a coma. When things that go bump in the night begin to plague the family, mom and dad pack everyone up and move to a new house. But the freakish phenomena move with them.

Like most good horror flicks, Insidious is a director’s movie. The actors are only required to look alternately worried and terrified. The script might or might not get in the way of the fun. Insidious screenwriter Leigh Whannell, to my way of thinking, attempts to explain things better left unexplained. I mean, isn’t it frightening enough to learn that ghosts actually exist and are out to get you, without bringing in the obligatory “expert” (Lin Shaye channeling ghosts, a la Zelda Rubinstein in Poltergeist) to explain their cockamamie motivations? Grade: B

Director: James Wan Cast: Patrick Wilson, Rose Byrne, Ty Simpkins, Andrew Astor, Lin Shaye, Barbara Hershey, Leigh Whannell, Angus Sampson Release: 2011

Watch Trailers and Clips (click here)

02Apr

Happy Endings

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by Jim Norton

Norton’s autobiographical essays belong in the “This Will Appeal Almost Exclusively to Emotionally Stunted Young Males” genre, right beside hormone-driven nonsense like Grant Stoddard’s Working Stiff and Tucker Max’s I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell.

What raises Happy Endings a notch above those other books is the fact that Norton (unlike Max) is an experienced writer and (unlike Stoddard) also a professional comedian. He trots out the same type of raunchy anecdotes – extremely reliant on bodily apertures, gases, and fluids – but he knows how to turn a phrase for maximum comic effect. A lot of this stuff is funny, but oh, man, those off-color stories …. Bathroom humor is like the exclamation point: It’s effective when used judiciously, but grows tiresome when overdone. And Norton uses it relentlessly in Happy Endings.

28Mar

The Evolution of Bruno Littlemore

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by Benjamin Hale

The Evolution of Bruno Littlemore is narrated by a talking chimpanzee. “Bruno” is not a very pleasant ape. He has learned a lot of big words, and he loves to parade them. Although he’s a regular-sized chimp and he’s plagued by insecurities, his ego is the size of King Kong and he feels superior to most primates – including humans. Especially humans. Does that sound like the kind of “hero” with whom you want to spend 576 pages? At first, I didn’t think I wanted to, but I’m glad I hung in there with Bruno, because this book is an absolute knockout. Hale, who is all of 27 years old (the bastard!), has written a debut novel that practically screams out, “Literature is not dead!”

Bruno is not without flaws. There are times when the reader’s suspension of disbelief is sorely tested; this is, after all, a talking chimpanzee we’re asked to accept. But the book works on so many levels: unforgettable characters, penetrating insights about human nature; comedy and tragedy. Mostly, it’s the irascible, disturbing Bruno himself that will stay with you – whether you want him to or not.

28Mar

Kaboom

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“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.” – Woody Allen

Someone must have mentioned Allen’s quote to “Smith,” the sexually confused hero of the science-fiction/sex romp Kaboom, a movie as screwed up as its young protagonist.

Kaboom is what I’m calling a mumbo-jumbo movie, with equal parts claptrap and hogwash. It chronicles the sexual misadventures of Smith as all manner of inexplicable, spooky things keep happening to him. A mumbo-jumbo movie deserves a mumbo-jumbo review, so here you go:

Mumbo: Watching this film is a bit like watching soft-core pornography: The filmmakers realized that some sort of story was needed to fill in the gaps between sex scenes, so they tossed in every element from old episodes of The X-Files – murderous cults, voodoo, the paranormal, and … oh yes, the end of the world.

Jumbo: Lots of skin on display here. If you are a “boob man,” you will be happy. If you are a “butt man,” you will be disappointed (see my low grade). If you are gay or female, you might be pleased. But everyone will, or should, barf at what passes for a plot.

Mumbo: The direction is very ambitious, what with having to put on film things like hallucinations, dreams, and the Earth blowing up. Too bad the special effects budget was nowhere near as ambitious.

Jumbo: The young women in this movie are all condescending, world-weary, and sarcastic. The young men are all childlike, stupid, or childlike and stupid. Sound familiar? Yes, indeed: It’s yet another Judd Apatow movie.

Mumbo Jumbo: There were two quotes in the film that I liked: Stella – “It’s a well-known fact that dreams are just your brains taking a dump at the end of the day. They don’t mean anything.”

And: Smith – “You had something better to do?” Stella – “Uh, sucking a fart out of a dead seagull’s ass?”

There is also a scene in which a dumb, blond surfer dude attempts to fellate himself. I guess he discovered a way to top Woody Allen, tripling his chances for a Saturday-night date. Grade: D+

Director: Gregg Araki Cast: Thomas Dekker, Haley Bennett, Juno Temple, James Duval, Andy Fischer-Price, Nicole LaLiberte, Kelly Lynch, Roxane Mesquida, Christine Nguyen, Chris Zylka Release: 2011

Watch Trailers (click here)

25Mar

Dogtooth

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Weird can be good. As in some David Lynch movies. Or when Lars von Trier goes on an angry rampage. Or when David Cronenberg films … whatever the hell it is that David Cronenberg films.

But weird can also be frustrating. As in, “I don’t understand this story, and it doesn’t seem as though the director does, either.” Greek filmmaker Giorgos Lanthimos might grasp the meaning of his quirky drama Dogtooth quite well, but its lack of plot and back story make it the kind of film you might enjoy once, but probably not twice.

Here’s what we do learn in Lanthimos’ story: An unorthodox (to put it mildly) family of five lives in an isolated yet comfortable home. Father rules with an iron fist, mother enables father, and the three kids – two teenage girls and their brother – are not allowed contact with the outside world – ever. Mom and dad “home-school” the kids, keeping them in line by feeding them an endless supply of elaborate fantasies, buttressed by the harsh reality that father does not spare the rod.

I suppose this dysfunctional clan is meant as an allegory of the modern family, or as a commentary on some warped aspect of Greek society, but it doesn’t really matter because all we really care about is this: What manner of weirdness will we witness next from these odd, odd people?

There is a certain perverse enjoyment in watching them. How will they celebrate the parents’ anniversary? When the sisters begin sexual relations with each other, how long before their brother joins in? Who is easier to train, the family dog or the kids? Dogtooth is never dull.

Lanthimos has said he didn’t want to overly explain things to the audience with this movie. That’s fine, but was there anything to explain? Grade: B-

Director: Giorgos Lanthimos Cast: Christos Stergioglou, Michele Valley, Aggeliki Papoulia, Mary Tsoni, Hristos Passalis, Anna Kalaitzidou, Alexander Voulgaris Release: 2009

Watch Trailers (click here)

21Mar

The Resident

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The Resident calls itself a thriller, but you have to wonder just whom it intends to thrill. Certainly not fans of whodunits, since the screenplay reveals who done it early on. And it assuredly will not give kicks to gore hounds; aside from some hospital operating-room shots, there’s very little in the way of blood and guts.

I suppose “Young Women Living Alone” could be the target audience, although there’s nothing in The Resident that any girl who’s watched more than 15 minutes of the Lifetime channel hasn’t already seen.

No, my guess is that The Resident was green-lit in order to thrill the film’s producers, who might have been on set to witness two-time Oscar-winner Hilary Swank’s nude bathroom scene – not to mention her frequent scampers clad only in undies. I say this because The Resident is so similar to the 1982 Morgan Fairchild potboiler, The Seduction.

According to a “reputable source” (Celebrity Sleuth; hey, I’m just reporting here), Fairchild was not happy with The Seduction’s money men. After filming, Fairchild sued the film’s producer for $12.5 million for “insisting he be permitted to be present during the filming of all [her] nude scenes.”

In that film, sexy Morgan is spied on, peeped at, and creeped out by a seemingly nice young man, who turns out to be not so nice. In The Resident, there is a really nice guy (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) who turns out to be the anti-Prince Charming and who, like his predecessor in The Seduction, peeps a lot, sweats a lot, and creeps us out.

The Resident is not a terrible movie, just one that you’ve seen countless times before. Watching it is a bit like taking a beat-up Ford to the carwash: It gets the job done and you get what you pay for, but you are 10 bucks poorer and still stuck with the same old car. Grade: C

Director: Antti Jokinen Cast: Hilary Swank, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Lee Pace, Christopher Lee, Aunjanue Ellis, Sean Rosales, Deborah Martinez Release: 2011

Watch Trailers & Clips (click here)