The Grouchy Editor

Penthouse North (aka Blindsided)

 

 

 

Jug Face

 

 

 

Chop

 

Lance is a former drug addict trying to get his act together.  Problem is, he’s offended someone, and that someone has a bone to pick with Lance — quite literally, as it turns out, and Lance’s life soon becomes a nightmare of blackmail, torture, and missing fingers.  For awhile, when Lance is toyed with by a stranger who refuses to tell him what he’s done wrong, Chop is delicious black comedy, and actors Will Keenan and Timothy Muskatell are amusing duelists.  But then director Trent Haaga decides to cater to the gore-lovers in our midst, and the film devolves into a live-action Itchy & Scratchy Show.  Release:  2011  Grade:  C+

 

*****

 

House of Tolerance

.      

 

A visual feast — and not just because of the female flesh on display.  The bordello sets, art direction, and leisurely pace capture a bygone world (1899-1900) that’s both seductive and soulless, as director Bertrand Bonello concentrates on the cloistered, dead-end lives of a dozen high-class Parisian prostitutes and their indentured servitude to wealthy clients.  The photography is gorgeous and the actors are top-notch, but the movie itself, like transactions in a fancy brothel, is a bit cold.  Release:  2011  Grade:  B+

 

*****

 

Cottage Country

.       

 

Must be tough living next door to the country that is home to Hollywood, the world’s premiere manufacturer of motion pictures.  That might give the film industry in your own country an inferiority complex.  I don’t know how else to explain Canada, which cranks out the most peculiar movies.  Cottage Country is a black comedy — in theory — about an engaged couple caught up in grisly murders at a rustic lakeside retreat, but its mix of yuks and yuck is a herky-jerky mess.  Release:  2013  Grade:  C-

 

*****

 

Sister

.      

 

Sister is one of those slice-of-life dramas that rise or fall depending on how much emotion you invest in the main characters.  In this case, we watch as a family of two — 12-year-old Simon and twentysomething Louise — struggle to get by in the shadow of a posh Swiss mountain resort, Simon by stealing from rich guests and Louise by, well, not much.  I cared about the two of them, a bit, but not enough to compensate for the film’s slow stretches and a fairly predictable plot.  Release:  2012  Grade:  B- 

 

*****

 

Deep Water

.        

 

In 1968, while competing in a sailing race around the globe, a mild-mannered businessman named Donald Crowhurst encountered problems with his boat.  Buckling to intense personal and professional pressures, and with no hope of winning the race, for a time Crowhurst managed to excite a breathless British press (and the world) by posting false progress reports.  Today, Crowhurst is a historical footnote, but this documentary about an English everyman who bit off more than he could chew, with tragic results, is both sad and thought-provoking.  Release:   2006  Grade:  B+

 

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You’re Next

.       

 

Anyone who subscribes to a movie-streaming service like Netflix can tell you this:  There is no shortage of low-budget horror flicks.  To stand apart, a good chiller must either offer something new (The Blair Witch Project) or excel at generating suspense (anything from director James Wan).  You’re Next, yet another home-invasion story, does neither.  It has decent production values and competent acting, but like too many films in this genre, it substitutes gore for genuine fear and dishes up characters who do unbelievably stupid things.  Release:  2013  Grade:  C- 

 

*****

 

Prisoners

.       

 

I am imagining a pre-production meeting for Prisoners.  Suit A:  “Excellent story.  Two daughters go missing and we then explore the grief of their families.”  Suit B:  “Sure, but that’s not enough.  Audiences expect thrills, so let’s toss in a convoluted serial-kidnapper angle.  And we need some snakes in the movie.”  Suit C:  “Sounds good, but young people want blood and guts, so let’s include some graphic torture scenes.”  And so we got Prisoners, a good-looking, well-acted production that’s too clever by half and too long by about 30 minutes.  Snakes?  My eyes are still rolling.  Release:  2013  Grade:  B

 

*****

 

Insidious:  Chapter 2

.      

 

I’ve praised director James Wan (see above), but I’m going to stop doing that because after watching this tepid sequel to Wan’s creepy Insidious, it’s clear that he’s lost his mojo.  Uninspired and clichéd (pianos play themselves; battery-powered toys turn themselves on), Insidious: Chapter 2 finds the Lambert family once again beset by evil spirits — and Wan recycling scare tactics from better chillers, including his own.  Release:  2013  Grade:  C

 

*****

 

North Face

.       

 

I have no idea how much of this fact-based German film about an ill-fated mountain-climbing expedition involves stunt work, or how much of it is special effects, but the result is hair-raising — especially if you have a fear of heights.  A subplot about Austrian-German loyalty to Hitler in 1936 is distracting, but once the characters begin climbing the mountain … damn.  Release:  2008  Grade:  B+

 

*****

 

The Bling Ring

.       

 

“The Bling Ring,” in case you’ve forgotten, was a band of young Californians who gained notoriety for burglarizing the homes of Hollywood’s rich and famous, including Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan.  Sofia Coppola’s film is curiously flat yet watchable.  We observe these vapid young people as they observe (and burgle) their celebrity role models — and none of us learn a thing of value.  Release:  2013  Grade:  B-

 

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Robot & Frank 

.       

 

Sometimes silly but always engaging, Robot & Frank is a showcase for 74-year-old Frank Langella.  Langella plays a grumpy, unreformed burglar whose adult son comes up with an antidote for dad’s failing memory:  a caregiver robot.  The movie is ostensibly science fiction, but its theme is human memory — and the loss of it.  What makes Robot stumble is its desire to add thrills to the mix, including a lame heist sequence.  Release:  2012  Grade:  B

 

*****

 

The Conjuring

.       

 

One day, someone will give director James Wan a quality script and he might produce a horror classic.  Wan, who gave us Insidious and now this film, is a master at staging and framing shots for maximum shock value — the first half of Conjuring boasts some of the scariest scenes I’ve watched in ages.  Unfortunately, once a pair of demonologists (Vera Farmiga and Patrick Wilson) show up to clear a family’s house of evil spirits, the screenplay devolves into clumsy dialogue and rip-offs of better films like The Exorcist and Poltergeist.  Still … those first 45 minutes are chilling.  Release:  2013  Grade:  B+

 

*****

 

Oldboy

.       

 

A man wakes up in a hotel room with no clue how he got there and no idea that he will be imprisoned there for the next 15 years — and that’s just the beginning of his ordeal.  Korean director Park Chan-wook’s trippy revenge-mystery doesn’t always make sense, and it’s a tad too long, but it’s hard to take your eyes off the screen.  And a twist near the end is a real whopper.  Release:  2003  Grade:  B+

 

*****

 

Absentia

.       

 

Straight-to-video horror movies often share similar traits:  a few scary scenes; a good performance or two; and last but not least, a goofy script that sabotages much of what is positive about the film.  So it is with Absentia, in which residents of a Los Angeles neighborhood keep vanishing into a … oh, never mind.  But there are some chills here, and lead actress Katie Parker is appealing.  Release:  2011  Grade:  B-

 

*****

 

Everything or Nothing

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I suppose I expected something different from a documentary about the making of the James Bond movies, like more girls, gadgets, and guns.  Instead, Everything focuses on behind-the-scenes drama, in particular the clashing egos of producers Harry Saltzman and Cubby Broccoli and Bond creator Ian Fleming.  It’s an interesting tale, just not as entertaining as the films themselves.  One noticeable absentee from the roster of interviewees:  Sean Connery.  Release:  2012  Grade:  B

 

*****

 

The Silence

.       

 

A young girl is raped and murdered in a field, the killer is not found, and 23 years later — to the day — another girl goes missing at the same spot.  The Silence is unusual in that it concentrates as much on the victims’ families as on the crime.  The result is a compelling drama from Germany, but also a thriller that’s a bit short on thrills.  Release:  2010  Grade:  B

 

*****

 

Grabbers

.       

 

In Bride of the Monster, there is an infamous scene in which poor, aging Bela Lugosi tussles with a rubber octopus.  There’s a similar scene in Grabbers, but with a difference:  This time, we are supposed to laugh.  This Irish horror-comedy about an island village besieged by monsters is an affectionate nod to silly B-movies past, but aside from a hilarious turn by Ruth Bradley as a drunken cop, the laughs are sporadic.  The real grabber here is the breathtaking Irish scenery.  Release:  2012  Grade:  B

 

*****

 

Talhotblond

.       

 

You’ve probably heard of “catfishing,” the pernicious practice of conning people by using fake Internet profiles.  Filmmaker Nev Schulman has made a career chronicling the phenomenon, beginning with his 2010 movie Catfish and continuing with an MTV series.  But this movie, similar in theme to Catfish, predates Schulman’s documentary and, for my money, is the better film because the stakes, murder, are much higher.  The final twist is a stunner.  Release:  2009  Grade:  B+

 

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Trick ‘r Treat

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At first, I thought this horror-comedy was an undisciplined mess.  But then a funny thing happened on my way to the graveyard:  I realized I had the wrong attitude.  I expected the story to make sense.  Big mistake.  You have to view it as a filmed nightmare, in which your sleeping brain jumps from one horrific scenario to the next – it’s a vampire dream … a serial-killer dream … a space alien dream.  Trick is a surrealistic treat.  Most impressive:  writer-director Michael Dougherty’s colorful, stylish visuals.  Release:   2007   Grade:   B+

 

*****

 

Evocateur: The Morton Downey Jr. Movie

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Here’s a cautionary tale about what can happen when you obsessively compete with Daddy.  Downey, the son of a famed singer, was our original trash-talk TV host, a chain-smoking, foul-mouthed precursor to Limbaugh, Beck, et al – not to mention Jerry Springer.  But Downey’s fall was as fast and dramatic as his late ‘80s rise, and the whole saga is well documented in this film.  Release:  2013   Grade:  B+

 

*****

 

Maniac

.       

 

Elijah Wood again miscast, this time in a gory, unpleasant serial-killer remake.  Wood might be fine as a hobbit, but as a romantic leading man (The Oxford Murders) or a “terrifying” psycho (this film) … not so much.  The diminutive, child-like actor is simply too physically unthreatening – although he does have creepy eyes.  On the other hand, 50-year-old Jan Broberg proves that it’s never too late to bare a shapely ass for the camera.  Release:   2012   Grade:   C

 

*****

 

Olympus Has Fallen

.       

 

It’s Die Hard at the White House, but what was once a fresh concept — ballsy good guy vs. dozens of bad guys in a sealed-off setting, in this case Gerard Butler battling North Koreans in the president’s house — has gone stale.  Butler lacks Bruce Willis’s charm, the villain lacks Alan Rickman’s wit, and the whole film has a been-there-done-that feeling.  There are, however, lots of explosions — if that’s what floats your boat.  Release:   2013   Grade:   C

 

*****

 

Dirty Wars

.       

 

Journalist Jeremy Scahill looks into U.S. covert activity overseas, and the picture he paints isn’t pretty.  Scahill’s interviews with victims of collateral damage caused by military strikes – in particular by the Joint Special Operations Command (JSOC), the group responsible for killing bin Laden – are disturbing.  What taints this otherwise compelling documentary is the one-sidedness of the reporting:  Government response is either scant or missing in action.  Release:   2013   Grade:  B

 

*****

 

TWA Flight 800

.       

 

Evidence that conspiracy nuts might not always be nuts – and that our government has few compunctions about lying to us.  The documentary makes a strong case that Flight 800 was deliberately shot down on July 17, 1996 – scores of eyewitnesses describe missiles honing in on the plane – but it’s also a frustrating film in that no theories are proposed about the “why” of the catastrophe.  Do the filmmakers suspect terrorism, or perhaps a military mistake?  The movie also gets bogged down in technical jargon about melting nitrates, burning fuselages and other baffling terminology.  Release:   2013   Grade:  B

 

*****

 

The Purge

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An upper-middle-class family holes up in its gated community on “Purge Night,” an annual 12-hour window in which the government sanctions all crime – including murder.  Yes, it has a message about class warfare, and another message about violence in America, but it also has some genuinely tense invasion scenes.  Release:   2013   Grade:   B+

 

*****

 

Flight

.       

 

If your quarterback wins big games, would you care that he also has six illegitimate kids?  Flight is a smart film that asks a similar question:  How should we feel about our heroes when they are also deeply flawed?  Denzel Washington plays a pilot who pulls off a life-saving crash landing – but who also flies high in more ways than one.  The story is realistic and thought-provoking, yet Washington’s pilot is so self-assured, even cocky, that’s it’s difficult to much care about his fate.  Release:   2012   Grade:   B+

 

*****

 

We Steal Secrets: The Story of WikiLeaks

.       

 

Filmmaker Alex Gibney’s take on WikiLeaks, the online group devoted to uncovering secrets that powerful people would prefer you not know, and on Julian Assange, the weaselly Aussie who founded the organization, is riveting stuff.  The documentary touches on Assange’s legal battles – personal and professional – but mostly poses this question:  Where do you stand on freedom of the press vis-à-vis national security?  Judging from our government’s track record of lies and obfuscation, I’m going to side with the weaselly Aussie.  Release:   2013   Grade:   A-

 

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I Spit on Your Grave 2

.        

 

This is why Web sites like “Mr. Skin” exist.  If you have no desire to suffer through the ridiculous plot and unpleasant gore of a film like this, but you do think star Jemma Dallender is a hottie, “Mr. Skin” has screen grabs for you.  Dallender spends much of Spit 2 in the nude, playing a model who is raped, whisked to Bulgaria (don’t ask), and assaulted again before she escapes to exact revenge.  The most shocking thing here is the presence of actor Joe Absolom, who plays such a sweet guy on the British series Doc Martin.  His agent must have put his balls in a vise.  Release:   2013   Grade:   D-

 

*****

 

Movie 43

.       

 

I’m not convinced it was entirely a coincidence that, just two months after the release of Movie 43, esteemed film critic Roger Ebert was in his grave.  A lot of Hollywood A-List talent appears in this comic disaster, which relies almost exclusively on scatological “humor.”  There might be some 10-year-olds who enjoy this but, if so, I weep for America’s future.  Release:   2013   Grade:   F

 

*****

 

The Call

.       

 

Teen girl is abducted at the mall and stuffed into the trunk of a car, where her only link to the outside world is a cell-phone connection with 911 operator Halle Berry.  It’s realistic, pulse-pounding stuff – until the final half hour when, for reasons known only to the filmmakers, the plot goes all Silence of the Lambs on us.  Release:   2013    Grade:   B-

 

*****

 

Oblivion

.       

 

The problem with Oblivion, essentially a video game for the big screen, is that in between its glitzy CGI and action scenes we must endure:  a) flat characters, and b) a pretentious story that steals ideas from much better sci-fi films.  That’s the bad news.  The good news?  If you’ve just purchased a new high-def TV, it sure does look pretty.  Release:   2013   Grade:   B

 

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                           The Collection

  

 

I’m tempted to slap The Collection with an “F” for its bare-bones plot and ridiculously excessive gore.  However … if you are into splatter flicks — I generally am not — this sequel to The Collector is better than most of its gore-horror brethren thanks to a decent budget and some slick, fast-paced direction.  Release:  2012  Grade:  B-

 

                                         *****

 

               All the Boys Love Mandy Lane

 

 

The camera certainly loves Amber Heard, who plays one of six teens who (yawn) encounter trouble at an isolated ranch.  Director Jonathan Levine also seems to love stilted dialogue, “scares” that don’t scare, and a twist that any horror-film fan can see coming from a mile away.  This mediocrity was filmed in 2006 but sat on a shelf for seven years, awaiting distribution.  Too bad it’s not still sitting there.  Release:  2013  Grade:  D+

 

                                         *****

 

                             World War Z

 

 

Here’s proof that you can have an astronomical budget and Brad Pitt for a leading man … and still produce just another silly zombie movie.  Brad plays a perfect family man (of course) who saves the world (naturally) while fighting off hordes of the undead.  The zombies are not particularly original, but they do look cool in some overhead CGI shots.  Release:  2013  Grade:  C-

 

                                         *****

 

                              End of Watch

 

 

If you’re not a big fan of police, End of Watch could change your mind — at least for a couple of hours, thanks to the chemistry between Jake Gyllenhaal and Michael Pena as two patrolmen in South Central L.A.  There isn’t a great deal of story, but it’s refreshing to watch a crime drama in which the cops are neither bad to the bone nor avenging super studs.  Release:  2012  Grade:  B+

 

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                                    Evil Dead

 

 

Fede Alvarez’s remake of the 1981 classic lacks the black humor of the original, yet it’s never boring.  Alvarez knows how to stage a scary (and gory) scene, but his film is undermined by the usual bane of young-people-in-peril movies:  a script that has our heroes constantly doing and saying unbelievably stupid things.  Release:  2013  Grade:  B-

 

*****

 

                                       Session 9

 

 

At a creepy, abandoned mental hospital in Massachusetts, the asbestos-laden walls are slowly being peeled away — but so is the sanity of one of five workmen hired to do the job.  Session 9 is a rarity, an intelligent chiller for viewers who believe that the real horrors in life aren’t found in cabins in the woods, but in the human brain.  Release:  2001  Grade:  B+

 

*****

 

                                           Thor

 

 

It’s a bit empty-headed and relies on glitzy special effects, but Thor is also armed with good old-fashioned storytelling and plenty of charm.  And yet … by thunder, am I the only one wondering why the esteemed Kenneth Branagh is now directing comic-book movies?  Release:  2011  Grade:  B

 

*****

 

                                          Starlet

 

 

A young porn actress befriends a grumpy old lady (85-year-old Besedka Johnson, in her first and only film before her death earlier this year), and a sweet and funny relationship ensues.  I must be getting old, because at the midpoint of this surprisingly good twist on Harold and Maude, there is a brief but explicit sex scene — and I thought it destroyed the mood.  You heard that right:  I am complaining about a sex scene.  But not enough to turn me off to this unpredictable, touching little drama.  Release:  2012  Grade:  B+

 

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The Host

     

 

Maybe it’s a case of cultural bias on my part, but I thought The Host, South Korean director Bong Joon-ho’s homage to 1950s monster-from-hell B movies, was a strange brew of slapstick comedy and serious, environmental commentary.  But I also thought that the story, in which a polluted river gives birth to an ill-tempered beast, was non-stop entertaining.  Release:  2006  Grade:  B+

 

*****

 

After Porn Ends

     

 

Here are three things to know about being a former porn star:  1) You don’t want to be one; 2) if you are one, it’s better to be a male ex-porn star than a female ex-porn star — but not a whole lot better; 3) you probably guessed this, but most of these actors lead unhappy lives after they leave the sex business.  Bryce Wagoner’s fair-minded documentary, in which he interviews adult stars past and present, is fascinating if depressing viewing.  I did have one quibble:  There is no mention of the porn kings who get rich exploiting these people.  Release:  2010  Grade:  B+

 

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Sinister

    

 

There is a scene early in Sinister that had me on the edge of my seat.  Fred Thompson, playing a crusty sheriff, approaches family man Ethan Hawke with some unsolicited advice.  Uh-oh, I thought, here it comes:  Fred is going to pitch an AAG reverse mortgage to poor Ethan.  But I was mistaken.  Nothing that nerve-rattling happens in this clichéd dud of a horror flick.  It’s just Ethan, baseball bat in hand, prowling the dark halls of his haunted house, and a sound technician blasting noise at the audience whenever something supposedly scary occurs.  Release:  2012  Grade:  D+

 

*****

 

Mama

  

 

Director Andres Muschietti has a real knack for creepy/scary visuals, which somewhat offsets Mama’s silly premise, dumb plot, and none-too-believable behavior by its characters.  Jessica Chastain, as a musician battling the titular creature for control of two little girls, provides evidence that two Oscar nominations are no guarantee of landing other great roles.  Release:  2013   Grade:  B-

 

*****

 

Penumbra

  

 

Marga (Cristina Brondo) is the kind of career woman you love to hate.  She gets ahead by trampling co-workers, sleeping with married men, and steamrolling anyone who doesn’t serve her needs.  We spend two-thirds of Penumbra getting to know busty, bitchy Marga, but Twilight Zone-like omens all point to an unhappy (for Marga), yet satisfying (for us) climax.  Just proves that you can’t always trust omens, because Penumbra, until its final act a sleek and suspenseful puzzle, fizzles out at the end, wrapping up with gore-spattered silliness.  Release:   2011   Grade:  C

 

*****

 

Frazetta:  Painting with Fire

   

 

Say the name “Frazetta” at a comic-book convention, and you’ll likely turn heads.  Mention the name anywhere else, and you’ll probably draw a blank stare.  That’s a shame because Frank Frazetta, illustrator-artist extraordinaire, deserves a better legacy.  His bane was that he worked primarily in the world of fantasy, churning out striking covers for everything from horror-comics to Hollywood movie posters.  Frazetta chronicles his colorful life from Brooklyn boyhood to retirement in Pennsylvania, but it’s also a film one can enjoy with the mute button on, simply soaking in a procession of startlingly original warriors, princesses, and demons as they march across the screen.  Release:  2003  Grade:  B

 

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Sun Don’t Shine

 

 

On-the-lam movies can be fun — but only if you care about the people on the lam.  In Sun Don’t Shine, Kate Lyn Sheil and Kentucker Audley play young lovers sweating it out in Florida because there’s something in the trunk of their car, but a decomposing body isn’t what made me nauseous.  That would be Sheil, who, as the clingy, whiny, emotionally stunted female half of this not-so-dynamic duo, gives one of the most annoying performances of the year.  Release:  2012  Grade:  D

 

*****

 

Swimming Pool

 

 

Until it goes off the deep end, Swimming Pool is a sleek erotic thriller about the murderous results when an uptight British novelist finds herself sharing a summer house with her boss’s promiscuous young daughter.  Charlotte Rampling, as the repressed writer, and Ludivine Sagnier, as her wild-and-crazy opposite, regard each other like the proverbial cat and canary — but which is which?  It’s smooth and sexy, but the final scenes are either deliciously ambiguous or a groan-inducing cheat.  You decide.  Release:  2003  Grade:  B

 

*****

 

Sightseers

 

 

A nerdy British couple (as part of their holiday, they schedule a stop at a pencil museum) decides to enliven their road trip with road kill — literally.  If the concept of dull tourists as serial killers is clever enough to sustain you for 90 minutes, then knock yourself out, mate, but for me the plot and characters failed to live up to that amusing premise.  Release:  2013  Grade:  C

 

*****

 

Wasted on the Young

 

 

A familiar tale — high school bullies, the rich and popular kids, make life hellish for other students — is told with originality and flair by Australian filmmaker Ben C. Lucas.  It’s not an uplifting story, but Lucas’s decision to leave adults out of the film works well, immersing the viewer in a nightmarish, but riveting, teenage society.  Release:  2010  Grade:  B

 

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